about to die from stress

weesophz

Well-Known Member
Joined
21 September 2011
Messages
2,536
Location
West o' Scotland.
www.facebook.com
i seriously dont know what to do anymore :( having a horse and sharers and being at college and working has been the most difficult 6 months ever.

I have 2 sharers for fox, one ive had for 5 years whos great and had to go down to sharing one day a week as shes at vet school now (brill since fox is the clumsiest guy). So I had to get another sharer as I am at college 4 days a week and work shifts. Had my new sharer since summer, had a lot of bumps along the way as shes quite soft and fox sometimes took advantage, hes the first horse she's shared. but she loves him and has worked through her issues and they seem to be coming on a lot better now!

my problem is this. New sharer is constantly on holiday and its making life a bit hectic. and tonight she has text me saying she is now struggling for money to pay for fox. she has had 2 holidays since taking fox on and just informed me she is also going to be away the entire month of april, the time i have exams and cant afford to give up my study time. I just feel really frustrated because I make a lot of sacrifices (as we all do as owners/loaners/sharers!) when it comes to holidays, or buying myself things or nights out so fox can be fed and shod and everything else. We agreed on terms before she took him on (payment, how many days she would do him, length of share etc) and I explained to her that it is really hard going through winter but she seemed keen anyway. I really like my sharer and i appreciate how great a help she has been with fox since i went back into education but im constantly feeling like she might turn around any moment and say she doesnt want him anymore. Ive asked my other sharer if she can take on any more days but she really cant.

what do i do? I know the obvious choice is to probably look for a new sharer, but the thought of being messed around again and the struggle of actually finding one at this time of year is making me tear my hair out. I cant and wont sell fox its simply not an option, and the idea of putting him out on full loan worries me due to his past. I did put the feelers out for a loaner but everyone that messaged me wanted to move him and i cant risk him going somewhere dodgy.


its not the first time ive been in this predicament, so thanks for any help guys.
 

Pearlsasinger

Up in the clouds
Joined
20 February 2009
Messages
44,733
Location
W. Yorks
Visit site
Unfortunately, sharers won't have the same feeling of responsibility towards your horse that you do. Whilst I can see that not being able to rely on the 2nd sharer is difficult for you, the horse is your responsibility ultimately and you should really have taken into account that you might need to pay someone to do him for you when you started your studies. I can only suggest that you look for a 3rd sharer and wish you luck!




I think as an alternative, in your psoition, I might consider finding grass livery and turning him away at least until the better weather. Perhaps you and the 1st sharer could take repsonsibility between you for checking on him, without having to do much else, while you are so busy
 
Last edited:

Ella19

Well-Known Member
Joined
25 May 2010
Messages
2,320
Location
Surrey
Visit site
Advertise for another sharer, no reason he can't have three for now if need be and it would help you time wise. Then you've not lost the flakey one but should she choose to go you're still covered.
 

weesophz

Well-Known Member
Joined
21 September 2011
Messages
2,536
Location
West o' Scotland.
www.facebook.com
Unfortunately, sharers won't have the same feeling of responsibility towards your horse that you do. Whilst I can see that not being able to rely on the 2nd sharer is difficult for you, the horse is your responsibility ultimately and you should really have taken into account that you might need to pay someone to do him for you when you started your studies. I can only suggest that you look for a 3rd sharer and wish you luck!




I think as an alternative, in your psoition, I might consider finding grass livery and turning him away at least until the better weather. Perhaps you and the 1st sharer could take repsonsibility between you for checking on him, without having to do much else, while you are so busy

i know i know he is ultimately mine its just frustrating when we agreed on terms and i have so much on my plate just now :( fox wouldnt do well on grass livery as hes a tb nightmare to keep condition on and feels the cold like a big wuss! its inevitable that i'll have to find another sharer i suppose!

Advertise for another sharer, no reason he can't have three for now if need be and it would help you time wise. Then you've not lost the flakey one but should she choose to go you're still covered.

yeah thats probably the best idea. just feel a bit bad for fox people coming and going all the time, and what other people on the yard might say..
 

Feival

Well-Known Member
Joined
3 June 2013
Messages
2,595
Visit site
A sharer is exactly that a sharer! She can do what she wants, he is your responsibility not hers. If she loaned him it would be different. Sorry to be harsh but if you cant afford him and don't have time, your going to have to either loan him out full time, or sell, if it was just time then I would suggest putting him on livery. Sorry.
 

weesophz

Well-Known Member
Joined
21 September 2011
Messages
2,536
Location
West o' Scotland.
www.facebook.com
A sharer is exactly that a sharer! She can do what she wants, he is your responsibility not hers. If she loaned him it would be different. Sorry to be harsh but if you cant afford him and don't have time, your going to have to either loan him out full time, or sell, if it was just time then I would suggest putting him on livery. Sorry.

dont be sorry haha. its not the money thats an issue, its just the fact shes saying to me shes struggling with money yet has gone 3 holidays since she took him on. i know that its probs crap of me to say just feel like when we agreed terms its violating them a bit. it said in his AD we needed someone due to studies and shes been away through one lot of exams and will be away during mine aswell now. its probably down the fact my other sharer has had him so long and i keep comparing them, i know its not fair but she knew what she was signing up for!
 

muddygreymare

Well-Known Member
Joined
10 January 2011
Messages
3,383
Location
Rainy Cumbria!
Visit site
I have been having sharer issues too and I totally agree with whoever said that the sharer has a different set of priorities to you - your first concern is your horse and you put him first, your sharer obviously has him a little lower down their list of important things. I had the same with my sharer who kept letting me down at short notice and thought it was okay because I was there to bring in if really necessary on her days which wasn't the point because she was meant to be helping me out, not the other way round.
I guess what I'm trying to say is have a frank chat with your second sharer and say that you could do with her committing to your horse and sticking to it and if that's not gonna work then find someone new who knows that you need them to be reliable as much as possible over your exam period so that you and your horse can get through it with the least stress to both of you. Good luck with sorting out your horse and your studies :)
 

Cinnamontoast

Fais pas chier!
Joined
6 July 2010
Messages
35,366
Visit site
Get another sharer, dump the unreliable one, it would do my head in. Alternatively, find him a temporary loan home. I know how hard this is, I'm forever debating what to do with mine.
 

atropa

Well-Known Member
Joined
26 September 2012
Messages
1,277
Visit site
That sucks..when I was a sharer I treated horse as my own on my days and would never dream of letting my owner down. She's clearly not fulfilling her end of the bargain. Yes at the end of the day as owner the buck stops with you but as you say, the terms were specified at the start of the share.
Pm me details OP, you're in my neck of the woods and I might be able to help you find a reliable, pre-proven sharer or could even perhaps help out myself.
 

Pedantic

Well-Known Member
Joined
3 November 2007
Messages
7,545
Location
Derbyshire
Visit site
How does anyone come to a decision that they can share a horse, and then keep going off on holiday, especially for a whole month, then whine they are struggling for money, maybe a little less of the holidays if your short of cash, horse's aren't hanging in a wardrobe to be took out and played with when it's convenient, then put away again to go off jollying on hols, again, this person doesn't sound much of a sharer to start with.




All replies are fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead are purely coincidental.
 

Lambkins

Well-Known Member
Joined
17 January 2013
Messages
564
Location
Herts
Visit site
Talk to this sharer.. And make things clearer.. Her days are x x and x .. If she can't do these days ( ill , on holiday etc) then she needs to pay for the horse to be covered by the yard . You should have made a contact really.. But that's done now . If she doesn't want to agree .. Then sadly you will have to find a replacement. There are good sharers out there .. But be realistic.. If I was in your position would rather someone pay £5 a day for the share and have them pay extra to cover the horse if they are away etc .. Then them pay £10 a day for the share and come and go as they wish . ( if that makes sense)
 

Tapir

Well-Known Member
Joined
4 June 2004
Messages
571
Visit site
the holidays might have been booked before she took on the share or her partner might want to go on holidays & it's quite hard to deny your other half a holiday because you want to spend time & money on someone else's horse.

Having to have two or more sharers in order to have the time & money for your horse doesn't sit very well with me. What if both of your sharers gave up suddenly? You could end up with serious problems. I'd be looking for either a loan home or full grass livery for him if I were you.
 

Damnation

Well-Known Member
Joined
25 February 2008
Messages
9,663
Location
North Cumbria
Visit site
Full livery and a new sharer.

There are pleanty of people out there who can't afford to buy or own a horse full time who would kill to be in your 2nd sharer's shoes.
 

CBFan

Well-Known Member
Joined
28 April 2006
Messages
5,071
Location
somewhere in the uk
Visit site
I think some are judging OP too harshly... many people have 2 or more sharers and it works perfectly well and we all have times in our lives when we need a little help.

IMO the 2nd sharer sounds rather flaky and like she's having her cake and eating it. I would look around for a 3rd sharer and maybe demote 2nd sharer to 'occasional rider', explaining to her that you really require more commitment, which you thought you had made clear at the outset, due to your educational commitments.

Don't completely rule out grass livery though. Most horses - even the poorest of doers absolutely thrive, as most grass livery set ups are such that the horses get adequate hay and shelter on top of the natural grass supply. obviously rugging as necessary... It's often us, the owners that find it the hardest but once you've done it for a while you will appreciate the time saving benefits :)
 

weesophz

Well-Known Member
Joined
21 September 2011
Messages
2,536
Location
West o' Scotland.
www.facebook.com
thanks for replies everyone appreciate all the advice.

ive replied to her saying that i didnt know she was going to away the entire month of april which is difficult as my exams are at the beginning of may which is why we needed another sharer. she had mentioned wanting some sort of deal about payment since she is away so i asked what exactly she had in mind.

to be honest im thinking more about the grass livery option, just not sure how fox would cope especially since the weather is so terrible up here just now! not even aware of any yards that do it but thats probs because ive been in the same place over 10 years..
 

alliwantforchristmas

Well-Known Member
Joined
1 December 2015
Messages
236
Visit site
"... some sort of deal about payment since she is away ..."

crikey - sharer sounds like more work than your horse! I would dump her, find out about good grass livery with appropriate rugs/shelter/hay etc and keep your ear to the ground for a replacement sharer - then get new sharer to sign a contract at the start of the share so you both know exactly what to expect from each other. Spring is around the corner and things will get easier! Could you pay someone to help out with him short term while you get through your exams?
 

Tash88

Well-Known Member
Joined
2 January 2012
Messages
1,782
Visit site
I've had sharers before and to be honest they are often more trouble than they are worth, although I do agree that there are some fantastic sharers out there, they are like gold dust! If money isn't the issue then I would seriously consider putting him on part livery; the sharer would probably be more enthusiastic about just grooming and riding anyway, and if you find a good yard you won't have to constantly be worrying about his care.
 

Sugar_and_Spice

Well-Known Member
Joined
6 June 2012
Messages
5,245
Location
the North
Visit site
Unless you told her that she'd have to pay the yard to cover her days off when she wants them, she's not going to know, is she? As a sharer myself years ago, I'd never have imagined someone would own a horse and literally be totally unavailable to care for it certain days and unable to pay someone else to do so either. I always assumed as sharer that I was simply helping the owner out a little with finances, workload and exercising the horse.

As a sharer I was always happy to continue paying if I was ill or on holiday because I realised I was paying towards the upkeep of the horse and those costs didn't stop just because I wasn't riding. But I'd never have agreed to pay extra to have the horse looked after if I couldn't. I've been on livery yards since my sharing days and seen what happens in that scenario, you end up with the sharers unhorsey mum sent up there to do the horse or sharer turns up with boyfriend or mates rushes everything in 10min flat, shoves horse in stable without even looking at it etc and standards start to slip.

She doesn't sound flakey to me just someone with a life outside horses which as you rightly point out many horse owners don't have (though you're basically trying to have a life outside horses yourself with uni etc). You can't expect the same level of committment from a sharer its unreasonable. The whole point of being a sharer is to avoid the commitment that owning or full loaning brings. I think you're lucky she's seen the winter out TBH if she was flakey she'd have given it up already.

I think you need to prepare yourself for her giving notice at the end of Feb with the things she's saying about affording it. I can't see her wanting to pay for a share over April when she's going to be away the whole month. She's probably hoping you'll tell her she can have April off and start again after. Even if she stays this summer I think its doubtful you'll get another winter out of her.

Things are different as a sharer. As an owner you give up everything else to keep your horse if necessary (well lots do, there's always those who sell as soon as money gets tight). We immerse ourselves in the whole ownership experience which we love and do our best to hang on to, the horse is the last thing to go. But as a sharer its the horse which is the disposable drain on your time and finances, so things get tight and the horse is the first thing to go.
 
Last edited:

Luci07

Well-Known Member
Joined
13 October 2009
Messages
9,382
Location
Dorking
Visit site
As it's her first share, she may simply not have thought it through. I had 2 sharers for my mare previously and the deal was a fixed amount each month regardless of whether they rode. They were both brilliant sharers and I would work around their days..so if one went off when she should be on "her" day, I would make space on my time for her to catch up. Horses costs don't change and my sharers knew that. However, one of them said that paying a full months share for 2 days a week was still considerably cheaper than hiring a horse to hack 3 X a month. Another friend had sharers on a pay as you go sort of option which frequently meant changes and being let down.but when I pointed out that was really her fault as she set up the scenario she saw sense.

I feel differently if the horse was ill and off work for weeks. I would not expect a sharer to contribute towards that.
 

weesophz

Well-Known Member
Joined
21 September 2011
Messages
2,536
Location
West o' Scotland.
www.facebook.com
I've not asked her to cover the payment at all S&S i asked her what kind of deal shes looking for while shes away haha. I know that shes done great getting us through the winter which i said it just seems to be she disappears at the most crucial times. First sharers exams in january and second sharer was gone all through those, i was happy to pick up the extra days despite not being able to get to the yard as late as 8pm some nights. My problem is that we agreed terms that she would do x days for x amount of time paying x amount but every other week something seems to come up. im not unavailable to help out but she doesnt seem to ask me for it until shes in a dire mess or one of my friends at the yard tells me and i have to ask her if shes been struggling which makes me feel like she thinks im unapproachable which again is nonsense ive told her time and time if she needs any help its not an problem. I was really fair with her when we agreed terms I let her pick what days she wanted to do and all that stuff so i just dont understand why its all falling apart.
 

weesophz

Well-Known Member
Joined
21 September 2011
Messages
2,536
Location
West o' Scotland.
www.facebook.com
As it's her first share, she may simply not have thought it through. I had 2 sharers for my mare previously and the deal was a fixed amount each month regardless of whether they rode. They were both brilliant sharers and I would work around their days..so if one went off when she should be on "her" day, I would make space on my time for her to catch up. Horses costs don't change and my sharers knew that. However, one of them said that paying a full months share for 2 days a week was still considerably cheaper than hiring a horse to hack 3 X a month. Another friend had sharers on a pay as you go sort of option which frequently meant changes and being let down.but when I pointed out that was really her fault as she set up the scenario she saw sense.

I feel differently if the horse was ill and off work for weeks. I would not expect a sharer to contribute towards that.

thats what i usually do if one cant get up we sort between us for cover! and totally, when my first sharer first took fox on he fractured his leg a month into the share, she wanted to keep sharing so i took nothing from her for his recovery period which was 8 months!
 

Luci07

Well-Known Member
Joined
13 October 2009
Messages
9,382
Location
Dorking
Visit site
thats what i usually do if one cant get up we sort between us for cover! and totally, when my first sharer first took fox on he fractured his leg a month into the share, she wanted to keep sharing so i took nothing from her for his recovery period which was 8 months!

So if you have agreed a set price per month, then perhaps you need to need to clear this up and say that the amount is payable even if she chooses not to ride? I understand some posters think that sharers can pick and choose when to ride and pay, but my argument back would by doing that, you could lose out by having to wait for their availability. I did have a new sharer (briefly) and she did try this so I stopped her share. She was messing around on days, late paying and then didn't want to pay at all when off to Australia for 6 weeks.
 

Sugar_and_Spice

Well-Known Member
Joined
6 June 2012
Messages
5,245
Location
the North
Visit site
It's her first share and my guess is it sounded like a good idea at the time and she doesn't want to let you down , which is why she's not telling you about problems until the last minute. The reality is her life doesn't suit even the minor committment of a share horse. She's someone who needs to either stay at a riding school or own a horse on full livery, so she has no responsibility beyond payments and can just turn up when it suits her.
 

weesophz

Well-Known Member
Joined
21 September 2011
Messages
2,536
Location
West o' Scotland.
www.facebook.com
Yeah i think im probs just going to try and find someone else to be honest, i think she kind of knows its not really working as she messaged me asking if i want to get someone else involved. Dont know if she means instead of her or as well as but we'll what happens i suppose
 

Annagain

Well-Known Member
Joined
10 December 2008
Messages
15,506
Visit site
I'm sort of in the same situation. I had a lovely girl who wanted to share my boy, I really liked her and she rode him well but she turned out to be so flakey. I don't want money, just some help with mucking out and bringing in two nights a week and as much riding as they want. She didn't up 3 times when we arranged to meet for me to show her the ropes (one was my fault as I forgot my phone, she texted to ask if we were still meeting and I couldn't get back to her until I'd got home) and she only rode if I texted her to ask her if she wanted to. I texted her and told her I needed someone who could commit to two set days so if she couldn't I'd have to look for someone else. She didn't reply and I've not seen her since. I'm no worse off and at least I know where I stand. It was her first share too, she was only 18 and although she was a nice girl, I think the responsibility overwhelmed her. She only wanted to do it when I was standing next to her.

I would tell her you need someone you can rely on so you have to look for someone else but she's welcome to carry on until you do. She'll either buck her ideas up or run and then you'll have your answer.

In the mean time, could you come to an agreement to share turning out / bringing in with someone in a similar position on your yard to reduce the burden on you a bit? A friend of mine does mornings and I do evenings which really suits both of us and we cover each other's holidays etc.

I wouldn't expect her to pay for yard staff to do him on her days if she can't, but I would expect my flexibility to be reciprocated when I was away.
 
Top