Admitting you've made a mistake... and selling up?

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Breez

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I'm just looking for some reassurance/bouncing ideas, here. Following on from a thread I posted last month, I lost my horse of a lifetime this year. I went out and bought myself a youngster shortly afterwards, complete opposite breed/type, because I needed something to keep me busy. It seemed a good idea at the time, but obviously my head was a bit clouded from what had happened. I've always been a heavy/hairy kinda person, and I went out and bought thin-skinned/fine. Unbroken.

Don't get me wrong, I've backed and broken before (usually chunkies), and this guy hasn't really put a foot wrong. He soaks it up like a sponge. However, I'm starting to feel slightly uncomfortable in that it's out of my comfort zone, and that the "get on and go for a hack" is going to be a long way off, which is the one thing I really seem to need right now. Perhaps I'm coming back to reality, finally. I don't know.

There's nothing wrong with my current boy at all, I just don't feel like we're clicking. And I feel like I should've waited, and bought something that was ready to go when I was. As it is, I have a very expensive (albeit very pretty) field ornament. With the growing up he has to do, that's likely to be the case well into next year, and I the issue of finances still hanging over my head.

I'm aware I'm waffling. To strangers. Over the internet. But I need someone to talk to - would it make me a terrible person to sell up after 3mths? I still miss my last boy, I'm sure I always will. Perhaps something more like him (I know it wouldn't replace him) would have been a better fit.

Someone give me a slap. Please. lol.
 
There is nothing wrong in saying I brought my horse in the wrong frame of mind, and hes not right for me, I am not getting what I want out and selling him on.

I think the most amazing thing is, that you have done that and STILL done a super job bringing him on.

I would personally put up adverts, and carry on bringing him on. It will take the pressure off you that you have to make it work, if it keeps being wrong, will hopefully find him the right home where it is right, and who knows, as you get closer to your goal of hacking out, you may find that he is what you want and deep down you knew it x
 
Only you can decide whether to sell him on. From what you have said, he is perfectly nice with no issues, so someone else will make a nice job of him. He won't mind that.

You may find it helps to try looking at your situation without concentrating on the regret and guilt (very unhelpful as emotions). Whether or not you did the right thing buying him, you are where you are. So concentrate on how you currently feel about the horse and what you want now and in the future, and try to make a decision based on those feelings only. I don't think buying a horse more like your old horse would make you miss him less or cope with the switch from him to something else, although you may be happier back with a chunky if that is your preference.

If you feel you want to carry on with him, is there something else you could borrow in the short term to have the occasional plod and let off some steam?
 
As some reassurance, I have recently done exactly what you are talking about.

I lost my boy of twenty years a year ago this month (can't believe it is that long already). Two months after his death (and having had a share in a horse for a bit that didn't really work as I have always had my own) I went out and bought the horse that I had wanted ten years ago (sparky 6yo horrendously green Anglo Arab). He too never did anything too horrendous (except for freaking out at a show and breaking my Dad's arm) and seemed willing enough to learn as well as being a hell of a character. But I didn't realise what an impact losing a horse that I had grown with and trusted with my life would do to my confidence, and my new boy just proceeded to batter it further as I just didn't trust him.

I persevered for 8 months with him, but things were just getting progressively worse and I couldn't see us moving forward. It broke my heart to admit that he had to go to someone who had more time and experience to bring out the best in him, and even made me physically sick. But now that it is all over and I have a lovely (far more level headed) ISH in his place, who I popped over a cross pole the first time I rode him (something I would never dream of doing on my previous boy), I feel like a ton weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I no longer spend every waking (and sleeping) hour fretting about the situation.

You will make the right decision in the end, whatever it may be, but it's ok, you can give your heart all the time it needs to agree with your head.

Best of luck x
 
smanf said:
As some reassurance, I have recently done exactly what you are talking about.

You will make the right decision in the end, whatever it may be, but it's ok, you can give your heart all the time it needs to agree with your head.

Best of luck x
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Ditto this!

3.5 yrs ago after a 10yr break from horses I bought Alfie, a 4yr old 14hh appaloosa. He seemed quiet but was green and much less forward than the games pony I'd had before. My teen years and early twenties revolved around my sharp little welsh games pony, and having backed and brought him on when I was 14yrs old I thought I could ride away a backed but green appy. The problem was, he was so very different to the horse I grew up with. He was by no means sharp, but he did cause me grief elsewhere. Firstly it turned out he was riggy, having been used at stud before being gelded aged 4. Then he had bad manners on the ground and would drag me in from the field in winter. We fixed the rigginess, taught him some manners and all was well - He would have a go at anything I asked, but I just never really clicked with him. Where I used to dote on my pony and could trust him with my life, this one almost felt like he belonged to someone else - I just didn't have that bond and it made me anxious.

3 years later, I'd had several sharers who did allsorts with him, bonded with him, took him out and taught him allsorts. But I was happy to watch my sharers enjoy him rather than getting on and doing it myself. So I knew something was missing and I had that hanging over my head like a cloud the whole time I owned him.

Then; Last december I was gifted a 15.2 standardbred. He was bigger than anything I'd ever owned, paced out on the gallops and in the process scared nine bells out of me, but I bonded with him and fell in love. We worked through his issues, slowly and patiently, and I quickly came to realise that everything I had with the new horse I lacked with the appy. The day this occurred to me, I advertised Alfie for sale. The reason being that I had a horse who made me happy. He isn't perfect by any means, but I do find myself enjoying riding now. With Alfie it felt like a chore, but with my standie it's a hobby again. So, within a week Alfie had gone to a 12yr old girl in a PC home. A month later he was at his first PC rally, and is completely adored.

I know he wasn't the one for me, and it took me 3yrs to admit that. If I hadn't been given the Standie I might never have admitted it, but Alfie's happy, me and my new boy have been working on ridden work, and are going to our first show at the weekend. There was nothing wrong with Alfie once we got past the rig and in hand problems, he just wasn't the right horse for me. When I dropped him off I was worried that he might walk all over her, or miss my others, or be passed around if they didn't get on with him, but he's living the life of Riley and I've quickly realised he's much better off where he is. And I'm much happier with my standie.
 
First of all you dont need a slap but a hug so heres a )) hug((. you are not a terrible person to actually hold your hands up and say i think i may have made a mistake here. sounds like you have done some good work with him but ok he isnt really for you. only you can finally decide but i see nothing wrong in selling him. you can vet as best poss any prospective buyers and give him the best of chances. personally i think you should hold your head high cause not every one will admit thst they may have mafe mistake. keep us posted x x
 
I'm in the middle of the exact same thing. Having to admit that I just don't click with my youngster and I'm going to really take my time next time and make sure I buy the right one for me. I too lost the horse of a life time a few year back but I have never found one I got on with like her. She was very hot and strong but I never once felt unsafe.
I have a buyer for my youngster now and I feel a huge weight has lifted.
 
You haven't made a mistake. You've had a learning experience that's all. Your youngster sounds very nice ... for someone else :smile3: By selling him on you're not only doing what's right for you, but also what's right for him. Take your time to find the right person for him and take time finding a good match for yourself.
 
I have done much the same. I lost my beloved first horse last year and as he was over 20 years old had been planning to buy a youngster for some time but decided it was better to have enough money to look after him as he aged. I have planned on an Arab or another Welsh D for endurance riding, bay, a gelding and ideally capable of already doing a nice dressage test with an established canter. Two weeks after he died I bought a 13.2hh black fell mare!

I like you had a massive reaction from my old boys death and kind of went for an extreme opposite and spent a good six months regretting it and wishing I had waited till the next year and bought what I had planned. New pony couldn't canter in the school and I had some snide comments from others about her as well.

Just over 1 year on I have learnt to value her differences, she comes to call, loads without asking, hacks out or schools in a hurricane without batting an eye and has a funny little turbo trot so can keep up hacking out with much bigger horses. We have done one dressage show and came 6th out of 16, first pleasure ride next week.

It might be that you grow to love your horse, but if not in my view it would be better to sell than to make yours and yours horses life miserable if you are not compatable. I wish you well with what ever choice you make, but it can only be your decision.
 
Sorry, I haven't had chance to get back on here since posting this. Thank you all for your replies... they're very helpful.

elijahasgal said:
I think the most amazing thing is, that you have done that and STILL done a super job bringing him on.

I would personally put up adverts, and carry on bringing him on. It will take the pressure off you that you have to make it work, if it keeps being wrong, will hopefully find him the right home where it is right, and who knows, as you get closer to your goal of hacking out, you may find that he is what you want and deep down you knew it x
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Thank you... that first sentence brought a smile to my face. He's doing fantastically, considering I brought home a hat rack that had done nothing only a few months ago. He's put on around 80kg since being here (still not overweight, there really was that little to him), he's riding confidently at walk and trot both in the school and on tracks, alone and in company, and he's just started very light hacking in company. He takes it all in his stride and he's happier the more work he's doing, he's an absolute star, I just feel like something is wrong. I have a lady interested in him who is possibly coming to see him, but I'm sold on the fact that he's not going anywhere unless I'm happy with the home. He's advertised, but if he's still here come spring, that's fine.

Abacus said:
Only you can decide whether to sell him on. From what you have said, he is perfectly nice with no issues, so someone else will make a nice job of him. He won't mind that.

You may find it helps to try looking at your situation without concentrating on the regret and guilt (very unhelpful as emotions). Whether or not you did the right thing buying him, you are where you are. So concentrate on how you currently feel about the horse and what you want now and in the future, and try to make a decision based on those feelings only. I don't think buying a horse more like your old horse would make you miss him less or cope with the switch from him to something else, although you may be happier back with a chunky if that is your preference.

If you feel you want to carry on with him, is there something else you could borrow in the short term to have the occasional plod and let off some steam?
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I know they're not helpful, they are difficult ones to wipe out completely though. I guess if I knew the home was right and that he'd settle easily, I wouldn't worry. I did buy him though and he is a lovely boy, I owe it to him to make sure he ends up safe and happy. I'm borrowing horses on odd occasions for hacks, a variety of breeds and types. It's highlighting the fact that I miss having a whizzy little cob to do a bit of everything with.

weebarney said:
I'm in the middle of the exact same thing. Having to admit that I just don't click with my youngster and I'm going to really take my time next time and make sure I buy the right one for me. I too lost the horse of a life time a few year back but I have never found one I got on with like her. She was very hot and strong but I never once felt unsafe.
I have a buyer for my youngster now and I feel a huge weight has lifted.
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It's interesting that you say that. My biggest worry is whether it's going to be a weight lifted or a a huge regret. There never seems to be an easy answer for anything, and finding a defining moment seems even more difficult.

I guess advertising doesn't necessarily mean that he's going anywhere, but not advertising guarantees that the right person won't come along. I'm doing well on the rambling at the minute, apologies lol.
 
Its my experiance that the horse that comes after the horse of a lifetime is hard to click with especially if you only have one horse at a time.
It may come in time but there's no issue in passing on a horse you think does not suit who may well go on to be the horse of a lifetime with someone esle.
 
Agree - advertise him and if you find a lovely new owner see how you feel then - I bet it will be a relief. At the risk of mucking someone about if you really can't go through with it this seems the best thing to do.
 
Actually sold my pony of a lifetime as driving him frightened the life out of me. Then I bought a placid gentle cob who did everything I wanted her to,no more, no less. But from day one I couldn't click with her, though she was so good you had to love her. Eventually bit the bullet and sold her to a good home where she is truly appreciated. When I told this story to an older and wiser person she said of course there was nothing wrong with the little cob; she just wasn't Joey. Perhaps that is why you cannot click with this new horse. He's got a hard act to follow. So don't feel bad about not keeping him. You need to be happy with your horse.
 
I find it hard to empathise because I am not at all averse to selling on horses that don't suit. That is either they don't do the job, or I just plain don't like 'em. Horses are sold every day, it's not like marrying somebody (and even that can be changed.....).
 
Goldenstar said:
Its my experiance that the horse that comes after the horse of a lifetime is hard to click with especially if you only have one horse at a time.
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How very true. My lovely games pony was my horse of a lifetime, and when I got my mare at 13 I didn't like her, mostly because she wasn't him.

This forum was extremely supportive when I went through this a couple of months ago. Like Smanf, I had the horse (6yo green Arabian - chestnut to boot) that would have been perfect for bouncy, indestructible, reasonably skilled and totally unafraid 14 year old me. Except now I'm 35 and none of that applies. I sold my chap to a really brilliant home - I felt sick thinking about it, but the moment they decided they wanted him, I felt great! I knew he was going somewhere that would do far more with him than I ever could, and had a text from his new owner last week telling me he was hacking out beautifully - on his own. I wouldn't have thought that would be possible, ever. Had he stayed with me, we would both have been living half a life. When you find the right home OP, you won't feel guilty or distressed at all - you'll be thrilled, knowing he's off to a great future, and you can take credit for that and for doing everything you've done with him. Good luck.
 
I am with Cotez on this one. I have just put my horse up for sale as after 6 mnths, we have just not jelled, and is not suitable for the job I need him to do.

He is a super chap, just not for me, but undoubtedly would make somone else very happy, so am keeping fingers crossed that I get some enquiries.

Horses are no different to people - we get on with some more than others. The difference is that with horses money passes hands which makes it a harder decision!

Stick to your guns and sell and good luck with whatever you replace it with x
 
I find it hard to empathise because I am not at all averse to selling on horses that don't suit. That is either they don't do the job, or I just plain don't like 'em. Horses are sold every day, it's not like marrying somebody (and even that can be changed.....).
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Probably a far better attitude to have lol. That's the thing though, I do like him and I know he's a fabulous horse... he's really coming on in leaps and bounds now, which is probably why I feel guilty. I hate selling on even when it makes sense (I still kick myself for rehoming a dog years ago when I had no other option...). I have a couple of people interested so we'll see where it goes, it's typical that over the past couple of weeks he's started coming to call and being pleased to see me :o

I know that it'll be hard to click with any horse after my last one, and I'm not expecting an instant connection. Friends keep telling me I'm glutten for punishment, and I know I shouldn't have bought another unbroken project, really. I think that's what's sinking in. Although he's beautiful, lovely, well tempered, etc, I don't know how well he's going to fulfill purpose at this stage. The breaking doesn't scare me, at all... it's just a very long winded process and funds are limited.

I'm debating going to see a couple of cobs for sale, just to satisfy curiosity. Perhaps seeing what's out there would give me the push I need to know it's the right decision.
 
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Breez said:
Probably a far better attitude to have lol. That's the thing though, I do like him and I know he's a fabulous horse... he's really coming on in leaps and bounds now, which is probably why I feel guilty. I hate selling on even when it makes sense (I still kick myself for rehoming a dog years ago when I had no other option...). I have a couple of people interested so we'll see where it goes, it's typical that over the past couple of weeks he's started coming to call and being pleased to see me :o

I know that it'll be hard to click with any horse after my last one, and I'm not expecting an instant connection. Friends keep telling me I'm glutten for punishment, and I know I shouldn't have bought another unbroken project, really. I think that's what's sinking in. Although he's beautiful, lovely, well tempered, etc, I don't know how well he's going to fulfill purpose at this stage. The breaking doesn't scare me, at all... it's just a very long winded process and funds are limited.

I'm debating going to see a couple of cobs for sale, just to satisfy curiosity. Perhaps seeing what's out there would give me the push I need to know it's the right decision.
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You're probably doing the right thing. But don't do it just because your friends are all saying so. IME a lot of horsey people are risk-averse (in their advice) and prone to 'I told you so's. Sometimes you have to take a risk to get the fabulous horse of your (teenage) dreams, and that might mean an unbroken project. You never know how they are going to turn out at this stage. All you have to go on is whether he might ever fulfill your requirements. If he has to be a cob, and has to be ready sooner, then he probably isn't right for you. If you can tolerate his type, and are prepared to wait, then might he be worth it?

Everyone told me to send back my youngster when I found out I was pregnant, and although I was tempted to take the easy road, I had faith in him (and was a bit too stubborn to let them all be right). He has been a slower project than most but he's now a really sweet, super 6 year old - he proved to be worth persevering.
 
If your still getting on well with your youngster then I would suggest you persevere a little longer just that a lot of people don't like buying horses at the start of winter you might even start to enjoy it. But if you wait till spring it will be an easier sale with hopefully so many good reasons.
 
Do you know anyone with an established horse which you could ride and still work with your youngster? When I was in a similar predicament (well, worse as I wouldn't get of my own!) I had a couple of lessons - which bored me and then had the odd ride on a real plod. Strangely it rekindled something and I've been fine ever since.
 
St.Sibert said:
Do you know anyone with an established horse which you could ride and still work with your youngster? When I was in a similar predicament (well, worse as I wouldn't get of my own!) I had a couple of lessons - which bored me and then had the odd ride on a real plod. Strangely it rekindled something and I've been fine ever since.
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I agree with this. Saying that I bought a five year old Welsh cob nearly six years ago. I had always wanted a Sect D and he is a very handsome horse but I knew pretty quickly that he wasn't the horse for me but due to odd quirks and the fact he had been to a few homes already, even though I bought him from his breeder he had been on many yards, I decided I couldn't put him through another change of home so have kept him. I hardly ride him because he really isn't for me so to be honest if this horse of yours could go to another home where he would be worked and loved then I would sell before you get too attached and feel he is your responsibility to hang onto. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
 
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