Advice please ?

[chocolategirl]

As others have said, kick this b***h to the kerb! How bloody nasty can people be?!? I’m all for there being 2 sides to every story, however, even if she has cause, she’s choosing to remain on your yard, no doubt very cheaply? while all the time stabbing you in the back! This is your home, and it should be a happy place This will not improve, trust me, this ship has sailed, get rid and move on. This is my advice anyway ?‍ Good luck finding someone new to have fun with ?

 

[meleeka]

As the others have said.
BUT if you really do want to try and salvage some form of friendship (others please bear in mind friends tell the truth and OP asked the livery what the problem was with the next door livery) then be equally honest. Say your main reason for having a livery was to have someone to hack out with a few times a week and that from your viewpoint until recent months it had been working well. But that this has been happening significantly less and that it is no longer a situation that works for you. Obviously the ideal would have been that you were also included with the other clique but as it appears that this can’t be as x has such a problem (I’d be tempted to actually say that x is immature or still in the mean girl phase - don’t know what the reasons given were ie if you prefer steady hack and they prefer faster). Suggest your livery gives some thought to it and let’s you know.
Her actions will let you know whether to give her notice or not.

I agree with this. Tell her it’s not really working for you and let her have a think about it. She may well decide to leave anyway then you don’t have to be the bad guy, or she’ll be a bit more considerate in future.

 

[MidChristmasCrisis]

I must say it’s not been a smart move by your livery to actually list the reasons the woman next door won’t include you...a smarter person would ve said nothing and made sure she rode with you sometimes and the other one sometimes..thereby having the best of both worlds.
I echo the sentiments above and when you advertise for a new livery I hope you find a kinder one.

 

[Rosa666]

Ask yourself if your positions were transposed and your ‘friend’ was the YO could you have done to her what she has done to you?

I would be loyal to the person who’s yard I’m on! She’s seen me in tears over this but it hasn’t changed :-( the neighbour takes her in her box to some amazing places so I get why she likes being friendly with them. There’s no space at the neighbours or I’m certain my livery would move

 

[indie1282]

I would be loyal to the person who’s yard I’m on! She’s seen me in tears over this but it hasn’t changed :-( the neighbour takes her in her box to some amazing places so I get why she likes being friendly with them. There’s no space at the neighbours or I’m certain my livery would move

I would definitely give her notice if she has upset you to tears. Its not up to you to provide a convenient yard so she can go off on jollys with the neighbour!

 

[Rosa666]

I think the livery has handled this very poorly. Even cruelly, as someone has said above.

Are any of the reasons for ‘not liking’ you about the kind of work you do with your horse? I can understand not wanting to ride with someone because they only want to potter, and I want to canter and jump or vice versa, but if she just doesn’t have all that much in common with you, I cannot understand why they couldn’t just grow up, let you join them and get over themselves.

It’s a hack, not an invitation to dinner.

No we both love going out for canters and popping over jumps so it’s not that. My place is bigger then the neighbours and when I first got it the neighbour came round and asked if she could rent a couple of fields and ménage but I said no as I just got it and wanted to take my time settling in and working out what I wanted to do etc. I never knew this was an issue but it was one of the main things on the list. The second thing was I let them bring their horses round to get shod at mine as there was an access problem at theirs. But their horse played up and they borrowed my leadrope and the horse broke it. They never thanked me for letting them come round or acknowledge they broke my leadrope which I thought was rude so I told my livery I prob wouldnt be up for that again. They then asked again and then the livery had to tell them they weren’t welcome so that didn’t go down well. The nail in the coffin was when we went into lockdown in the beginning and we weren’t allowed to meet up with others. I asked my livery if she would be ok holding off hacking out with other yards until the government changed the restrictions. It was only literally a few weeks as the government Then said u could meet Up with one person from a diff household so she could hack out then with neighbour! I got deleted from Facebook after then. So it’s not to do with my riding just unfortunate events :-(

 

[Rumtytum]

I would be loyal to the person who’s yard I’m on! She’s seen me in tears over this but it hasn’t changed :-( the neighbour takes her in her box to some amazing places so I get why she likes being friendly with them. There’s no space at the neighbours or I’m certain my livery would move

I’m sure you are right she would drop you like a hot brick if she had the chance to move. That works in your favour, makes it easier to give her notice ?!

 

[scats]

How horrid OP, I’d definitely be serving the livery notice. The fact that she listed the reasons the neighbour doesn’t like you shows that she’s listened to it and, it wouldn’t surprise me, joined in. If someone started telling me why they didn’t like a friend of mine, I’d tell them I wasn’t interested in hearing it.

 

[Berpisc]

Hmm, sounds like you were ok while you said yes to things then binned when you didn't. Like the others have said above, give her notice, stay impersonal and move on.

 

[Fred66]

Ok so with more info on the reasons then I would say that it is unlikely that you and your livery are going to get back to how it was at the start. So I would definitely be saying that the current state is no longer working for you. Be blunt, say you need a livery who wants to hack out and if this is no longer her then she needs to start looking elsewhere as you will be looking yourself for a new livery.
Do you have transport ? If not can you afford some ? As joining a local riding club might give you more opportunities to socialise with others.

 

[LadyGascoyne]

No we both love going out for canters and popping over jumps so it’s not that. My place is bigger then the neighbours and when I first got it the neighbour came round and asked if she could rent a couple of fields and ménage but I said no as I just got it and wanted to take my time settling in and working out what I wanted to do etc. I never knew this was an issue but it was one of the main things on the list. The second thing was I let them bring their horses round to get shod at mine as there was an access problem at theirs. But their horse played up and they borrowed my leadrope and the horse broke it. They never thanked me for letting them come round or acknowledge they broke my leadrope which I thought was rude so I told my livery I prob wouldnt be up for that again. They then asked again and then the livery had to tell them they weren’t welcome so that didn’t go down well. The nail in the coffin was when we went into lockdown in the beginning and we weren’t allowed to meet up with others. I asked my livery if she would be ok holding off hacking out with other yards until the government changed the restrictions. It was only literally a few weeks as the government Then said u could meet Up with one person from a diff household so she could hack out then with neighbour! I got deleted from Facebook after then. So it’s not to do with my riding just unfortunate events :-(

They sound awful, Rosa, sorry to be blunt.

Perhaps she could move her horse to the neighbor?

Also, I’m not sure where you are but there are many of us on here who would like to hack out in company. Maybe if you posted something on a regional board, someone local to you might be keen to go out and you wouldn’t need the complication of livery duties etc.

 

[Mrs. Jingle]

I would give her notice right now - why you would want to salvage this one sided and emotionally cruel friendship I do not understand.

Kick her into touch ASAP and advertise for a new livery, but do explain to the new livery you are only sharing your yard and facilities as it would be nice x (couple or so?) times a week to have a hacking buddy. that way there can't be any misunderstanding before new livery decides if it would suit them to take you up on the offer.

Frankly the neighbour sounds toxic, the 'friend' sounds toxic and it was a horrible, unfeeling and nasty thing to do. I am rather blunt and tend to say what I honestly think but that wasn't being honest with you for any genuine benefit to either of you. That was just being damn cruel and and totally like a playground bully amusing herself repeating nasty things that had been said about you and not one sign she stuck up or defended you or your friendship!

 

[shirl62]

What a pair of witches...The betrayal of your livery is unforgivable . She has made it clear with her actions that she is not a 'friend' . I would even try and see if things get better as she has made it clear that she prefers to go out with the bitch from the other yard. Give her notice and let them get on with it. You don't need people who do a character assassination job on you. You deserve better.

 

[Lovemarmite]

Have to agree with what's already been said, give your livery notice, not your problem if they don't have room next door, she has been an awful friend, there are loads of people who would jump at the chance at the type of livery you are offering, I know I would! Hope you manage to get it all resolved with minimal stress

 

[indie1282]

Please tell me you are going to give her notice?

It sounds like the reason the neighbour doesn't like you is down to old fashioned jealously... she wants what you have and because she can't she is being a bitch.

So I wouldn't take it personally or to heart OP. Kick her off and enjoy your lovely yard on your own ?

 

[July dreamer]

Give her notice, you are just being used. I know it's not easy telling someone to leave, I've had to do it, but you are supposed to be enjoying your horse and this situation is just making you miserable.
There must be someone who would love to keep their horse with you and get out and about together, but make it clear from the start that you are looking for someone to hack with.

 

[Rosa666]

Thanks everyone. You’ve given me a lot to think about. I rang my old horse friend today and she’s told me to stop being a pushover so think I know what I have to do xx

 

[Merry neddy man]

Exactly as the H&H forum friends above have said.

 

[maggie62]

Your livery now want's the best of both worlds, a fair weather friend, she has got a better offer from this other stables. Did she think she was doing you a favour telling you what the other stable friend was saying about you ? She must be stupid if she thought you would thank her for telling you. She is now using you...just tell her livery has now ended, you do not owe her any reasons it is your stables to do with as you wish. Once she has gone give yourself some time to decide what you want to do.

 

[IngramsRoughDiamond]

Give notice and find a new livery, what a nasty bitch next door, and what a silly bitch your current livery is.

 

[AdorableAlice]

Your home and yard is your sanctuary, your place to enjoy, be happy and feel relaxed and not judged. Reading your words makes me think you are achieving none of this due to a person whom you invited in to share your world, provided a nice place to keep a horse and most importantly trusted. Very sadly and totally unacceptably, you are being used and manipulated.

No one should be doing this to you and certainly not on your own property. Personally and I am not advocating this ! I would wait for the so called ‘friend’ to go out hacking or competing with her mate from next door, before collecting her kit together and putting it the other side of my locked gate.

 

[[131452]]

how rude of them both!
Horsey people can be so bitchy!
You don't need to be best buddies with someone to offer them to join in on the hack!
I agree with others, your livery isn't really being a friend to you at all so you might as well give her notice . She will likely go next door.
And make it clear for next livery that you are doing the arrangement on the understanding that you can hack out together.

You shouldn't have to be unhappy at your own yard and how cruel of your livery to tell you why this woman doesn't like you! That's totally unnecessary. She could have said that the horse gets lively if there are more than 2 or something.
Whatever those reasons are, I guarantee they are not true. Her opinion of you does not validate you or not as a person.
The fact that this awful behaviour has hurt you actually shows that you are a kinder person than them.


Keep your chin up , give notice and let them crack on with each other.

 

[SOS]

As another poster mentioned does this livery pay you and was it clearly mentioned in the ad that you wanted someone to ride with or did it just work out that way as a bonus?

If the latter I think the livery has been cruel but not completely out of line. And I suspect they see it as it ‘I pay for livery I can hack out with who I like’. That said you’d hope for some kind of loyalty against your name and for them not to be bitchy but it sounds like you asked why next door doesn’t like you and she told you. Not that it’s her actual opinion of you? The ignoring you crying does sound a bit harsh but then again I’m not sure what I’d do if I turned up to a YO in tears, probably ask if they were okay and then if they didn’t need supporting... get on with doing my horse. I’m trying to look at a more positive light and not assume all people are intentionally nasty!

If you don’t need her livery money then ask her to leave as it’s clearly upset you and caused tension with your neighbours - a more long term problem than this livery.

Cite the reason as buying another horse... buy one... and then get a loaner/sharers to do things with. You will have all the control over where and what they do then.

PS: If she’s not paying and the arrangement was to ride with you then yes she’s a horrible person.

 

[Ownedby4horses]

I’m afraid the cold hard truth is that your livery thinks so little of you that she shared the list of things the other woman doesn’t like about you! There is no way that this livery is a friend of yours! If she had been a true friend then she would have nipped the other woman’s list about you in the bud and stopped riding with her and returned to riding with you, yet she’s declared the list, intentionally hurting you. I’m afraid she is playing on your obvious good nature and Manipulating you for her own benefit (I.e she knows that you won’t give her notice as you’re a “gentle character”).

There is absolutely no friendship to repair here, she has never been your friend and I’m sorry if it sounds hurtful but this woman is absolutely no good for you!

Give her her notice immediately and readvertise her stable etc. Stick up for yourself and move on.

You can only be put down by people if you allow them to. I’m probably sounding harsh but that’s because I am so similar to you and I can see what a dreadful situation this is and how hurtful it is to you.

By moving her on, you will regain some self respect and prove to her that you’re not a walk over, as I’m sorry but she is treating you so badly.

Only keep those people in your life that add quality to it.

Stop focusing on the fact that you don’t know many other horsey people, that is stopping you making the right decision. There is a lovely honest person out there just waiting for a chance to have a place on your yard, someone who will be a genuine friend to you. You won’t find them until you move this dreadful woman on.

Be strong! We are all behind you!

x

 

[Jellymoon]

maybe look at it from another angle - your neighbour is struggling with limited facilities and you move in to nice yard next door. She asks if she can use the school and maybe rent a bit of extra grazing off you, you said ‘no’. She might think, ’that’s a bit mean, but fair enough, it’s her yard’....then you offer to let her use your yard for the farrier, which doesn’t go well, and you say ‘no’ again, she’s started to think you really don’t like her. In the meantime, she’s getting to know your livery, and is enjoying a nice rant about you, and everyone is getting upset. Then CV happens, and you (quite rightly) say no hacking with other people not on the yard, but they see that as you being mean again, maybe trying to separate them.

i think you need to get rid of this livery, get a new one that you don’t try to be mates with, say ‘no’ to anyone trying to use your facilities (unless you decide you’d like to make some money by hiring it out) and if the new one wants to hack with you, if not, whatever.

 

[Gingerwitch]

maybe look at it from another angle - your neighbour is struggling with limited facilities and you move in to nice yard next door. She asks if she can use the school and maybe rent a bit of extra grazing off you, you said ‘no’. She might think, ’that’s a bit mean, but fair enough, it’s her yard’....then you offer to let her use your yard for the farrier, which doesn’t go well, and you say ‘no’ again, she’s started to think you really don’t like her. In the meantime, she’s getting to know your livery, and is enjoying a nice rant about you, and everyone is getting upset. Then CV happens, and you (quite rightly) say no hacking with other people not on the yard, but they see that as you being mean again, maybe trying to separate them.

i think you need to get rid of this livery, get a new one that you don’t try to be mates with, say ‘no’ to anyone trying to use your facilities (unless you decide you’d like to make some money by hiring it out) and if the new one wants to hack with you, if not, whatever.

Sorry are you something to do with all this, as I have no idea where all the info you posted above came from regarding this post ?

 

[Auslander]

Sorry are you something to do with all this, as I have no idea where all the info you posted above came from regarding this post ?

From the OP's subsequent posts!

 

[Annagain]

It sounds like you might have enough room for an extra livery? If so I'd advertise a space straight away and only give your livery notice when you have someone new coming so you're not on your own too long. If there's an overlap, you'd have room for the extra one for a while.

If you wanted to salvage something (although I'm in the why would you want to camp, I agree she has behaved very badly) could you get another livery but not give her notice? If you're out and about with another person maybe she'll want to be part of it and will be nicer to you or if not, you can both get on better if you both have separate hacking buddies?

 

[Meowy Catkin]

There are definitely people who think that if they ask for something, that they should get it. The idea that someone has the right to say 'no' is an anathema to them. I have come across this with our outdoor school here. They often say 'if you don't ask, you don't get' and then rip you apart... to my face in one case. Of course that saying should mean, 'if you ask, you might get' but they interpret it to mean 'if I ask, you should bleddy well say yes'.

Sorry for the rant, but I expect that all you did wrong was to not bend to her desires. I'd also give the livery notice. You need to be happy and comfortable at your own yard and I also agree that a sharer might be a better way forwards in the future if you decide you still want someone to hack out with.

 

[dorsetladette]

It sounds like you might have enough room for an extra livery? If so I'd advertise a space straight away and only give your livery notice when you have someone new coming so you're not on your own too long. If there's an overlap, you'd have room for the extra one for a while.

If you wanted to salvage something (although I'm in the why would you want to camp, I agree she has behaved very badly) could you get another livery but not give her notice? If you're out and about with another person maybe she'll want to be part of it and will be nicer to you or if not, you can both get on better if you both have separate hacking buddies?

I'm not sure i'd want to bring some else into this situation for them to be potentially influenced against me as well. (the cynic in me)

I'd be tempted to go and have a chat with next door face to face. along the lines of, are we ok? I've heard that you don't like me for X Y & Z reasons. can we have a chat and clear the area, after all we are neighbours and it would probably be better for us to get along.

Neighbour is then on the back foot and will have to validate the things she has said (or not) and maybe you and her can find a way to move forward. It does sound a bit like livery is potentially immature and possibly stirring the pot at bit.