Advice please ?

[Rosa666]

Hi, I am lucky to rent my own small yard and a year ago I decided to get a livery as I wanted someone to hack out with and do fun things with. I met the most perfect lady and we’ve had a year of fun. I thought I had found a friend for life. She is very confident and has made friends with the yard next door and they have started going for hacks, fun days out etc. I’m not really invited and if I am invited I feel like an unwanted tag along. I thought I was imagining it, but I got the confidence up to ask my livery if there is a problem as she also hasn’t been out hacking with me for a month now. There’s always a reason she can’t go. She admitted the lady next door she is friends with doesn’t really like me and won’t invite me out on hacks, she listed reasons why she doesn’t like me. And to be honest I’m not very thick skinned so it has hurt me :-( I feel like I’m at school again and the mean girls don’t want me in their group. I’ve been hacking out on my own but I miss hacking out with my friend and having some fun canters :-( I dont know what to do. I’ve tried to resolve the issue with the yard next door but she isn’t interested and I feel like for my own self preservation I need to move on from that. But where does this leave me? My livery seems like she is taking a step back from me and it’s making me really sad as we used to be really good friends And have lots of fun on our hacks. I’m not from this area so I don’t know a lot of horsey people in this area. I’m just a bit down about it all. I’m just not sure where this leaves me as I’d like to go out and have fun at the beach/sponsored rides etc but it’s not something u do on your own, plus my horse isn’t that brave so she wouldn’t enjoy it on her own x

 

[Patterdale]

That’s awful! You poor thing!!
It’s nothing to do with not being thick skinned - having someone stand there and list the reasons someone else doesn’t like you is just plain cruel. Says far more about them than it does about you.

You need to get your brave pants on and give her notice. This won’t improve. Just say it’s not working out. Short term discomfort for longer term benefit.
Then you can find someone else who isn’t a total ****.

So sorry for you, that sounds awful.

 

[Rosa666]

That’s awful! You poor thing!!
It’s nothing to do with not being thick skinned - having someone stand there and list the reasons someone else doesn’t like you is just plain cruel. Says far more about them than it does about you.

You need to get your brave pants on and give her notice. This won’t improve. Just say it’s not working out. Short term discomfort for longer term benefit.
Then you can find someone else who isn’t a total ****.

So sorry for you, that sounds awful.

thanks for the advice, I was hoping to be able to salvage my friendship With the livery :-( I think I’ll give it a month and see if it improves and if not then maybe have a serious think about what to do . Xx

 

[Gingerwitch]

Hi, I am lucky to rent my own small yard and a year ago I decided to get a livery as I wanted someone to hack out with and do fun things with. I met the most perfect lady and we’ve had a year of fun. I thought I had found a friend for life. She is very confident and has made friends with the yard next door and they have started going for hacks, fun days out etc. I’m not really invited and if I am invited I feel like an unwanted tag along. I thought I was imagining it, but I got the confidence up to ask my livery if there is a problem as she also hasn’t been out hacking with me for a month now. There’s always a reason she can’t go. She admitted the lady next door she is friends with doesn’t really like me and won’t invite me out on hacks, she listed reasons why she doesn’t like me. And to be honest I’m not very thick skinned so it has hurt me :-( I feel like I’m at school again and the mean girls don’t want me in their group. I’ve been hacking out on my own but I miss hacking out with my friend and having some fun canters :-( I dont know what to do. I’ve tried to resolve the issue with the yard next door but she isn’t interested and I feel like for my own self preservation I need to move on from that. But where does this leave me? My livery seems like she is taking a step back from me and it’s making me really sad as we used to be really good friends And have lots of fun on our hacks. I’m not from this area so I don’t know a lot of horsey people in this area. I’m just a bit down about it all. I’m just not sure where this leaves me as I’d like to go out and have fun at the beach/sponsored rides etc but it’s not something u do on your own, plus my horse isn’t that brave so she wouldn’t enjoy it on her own x

What Patterdale said with buckets and spades. Write out her notice and advertise the space today. Not your fault if as is seen first by Mrs snotty pants and Mrs I can be a thought less pig.

 

[xDundryx]

Not everyone can like everyone else etc etc that's human nature but you are now not happy at your own yard because of it. It's very school playground-ish. I would give notice explaining that it's not working out with her as a livery (she will most probably move to the other yard anyway) And leave them to it. I think it's important to tell any prospective new liveries that you wish to hack out with them regularly and potentially do 'horse things' together, you can't force a friendship but hopefully you will be a bit happier.

 

[Rosa666]

What Patterdale said with buckets and spades. Write out her notice and advertise the space today. Not your fault if as is seen first by Mrs snotty pants and Mrs I can be a thought less pig.

thanks for your advice xx I think I will give it a month and see if it improves with my livery, really would like to salvage our friendship if I possibly can. X

 

[Archangel]

What Patterdale said. Absolutely.

These two bitches have been talking about you enough for one of them to be able to form a list of your faults. Unbelievable.

Seriously, don't wait a month, give notice now. Don't allow people to treat you like this, it is not how normal people behave.

Your neighbour sounds jealous.

 

[chaps89]

Given that the point of having a livery was to have company and go out and about together, I'd also be handing her her notice.
It may not improve neighbourly relations but it doesn't sound you spent any time with them previously anyway.
I'd try not to make it personal (despite the fact they have made it very personal) and not get drawn into conversation, decision made end of. You can't force friendships which is why I say this.
Make sure you also have a non emotional/not dramatic way of explaining your space to anyone who enquires too. If I were visiting as the potential new livery I'd be a bit worried about what I might be getting involved in if it all sounded a bit hysterical/school playground-ish.

Good luck finding someone new, it's not fun getting caught up in stuff like that, especially when you got on so well originally.

 

[Winters100]

Poor you. It is very difficult dealing with this kind of thing, especially when you are feeling hurt.

If you would like to try to salvage your friendship then by all means give it a month, but be prepared to go down the route advised by Patterdale if it does not improve. I would also be inclined to have an honest conversation with your livery. Explain to her that your main reason for wanting a livery was for someone to hack out with etc, and acknowledge that this might not suit everyone. Just be honest with her that your feelings are hurt, if she is really a friend she will understand this and try to fix things, if not then you have lost nothing by giving her notice. Do not allow her to bully you or back you into a corner in the conversation, your feelings are valid, and most people would be hurt to hear a list of why someone else disliked them. I am afraid that from what you have said the most likely outcome is that you will end up asking her to leave. If she has continued to hack out and keep company with someone who is being nasty about her good friend then she does not sound like the type of person who you want around you.

It might seem daunting to give notice and have to have someone around for a month in these circumstances, but I am pretty sure that later on you will look back and be happy that you did it.

Good luck and keep your chin up!

 

[Auslander]

I'm with everyone else. I don't think there's much point in hanging around waiting for things to change, as she's made it clear by her actions that she wants to be riding buddies with the other person. You took on a livery so you had company and someone to ride with, and this person isn't doing that, so it's a bit pointless having her. I'd just tell her that straight. It's up to her who she rides with, but it's up to you who keeps their horse on your yard

 

[LadyGascoyne]

I think the livery has handled this very poorly. Even cruelly, as someone has said above.

Are any of the reasons for ‘not liking’ you about the kind of work you do with your horse? I can understand not wanting to ride with someone because they only want to potter, and I want to canter and jump or vice versa, but if she just doesn’t have all that much in common with you, I cannot understand why they couldn’t just grow up, let you join them and get over themselves.

It’s a hack, not an invitation to dinner.

 

[Trouper]

I really don't think this "friendship" is salvageable. Nor would I want to patch up something with someone like your livery who is so flaky that she can be so influenced by your neighbour and forget her "duty" to another friend who has welcomed her onto her yard. As she has explained your "failings", I would politely explain why you have therefore to give her notice.
Look for someone else - explain the situation fully to them and start afresh. Good luck.

 

[dogatemysalad]

Goodness, I really feel for you. It is like playground nastiness. Your livery sounds very selfish and cruel. This happens on many yards when a clique will exclude another livery even though they are aware that that person needs company for hacking. I absolutely hate that kind of behaviour.
Be professional, take the emotion out and carry on being pleasant, but give her notice. No one should be made to feel uncomfortable in their own place.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

Why would you wait a month? Nothing is likely to change, this woman has already made her choice, she prefers to hack out with the next door owner, that's fine, it's up to her and tbh they sound like a good match for each other. My advice is to tell her today that your main reason for having a livery was to have someone to ride with, you realise now that she doesn't want to do that, so you are giving her notice, so that you can find someone to use your facilities who does want to ride with you.

Be very clear with any-one who enquires about the space that part of the deal is that you ride together a minimum number of times but also make sure that you give your livery space to do her own thing sometimes too.

I must admit, I was a bit worried when I read that you thought you had a friend for life in your livery, that sounds a bit needy and I wonder f your livery has felt a bit smothered, she doesn't sound like a nice person anyway, though

 

[Tally05]

Why on earth would you want to salvage your friendship with your livery?? She knows the lady next door doesn't like you and chooses to spend her time with her instead of you. That's not a person you want to be friends with. Even if you salvaged a bit of it anything you tell her about your life etc will be gossiped with the lady next door behind your back. Shes picked a side and it wasnt you. Time to move on and find someone worthy xx

 

[MuffettMischief]

I have to agree with what’s been said above, they have clearly had plenty of conversations about you if she has managed to list your faults! Cow. Hand notice to her and be done with it, this is very unlikely to get any better and you don’t need people like that in your life. She can move in with next door?!

 

[dorsetladette]

I'd give her notice now. If you give her a month and hen give notice of a month that's taking you into September.

the livery clearly doesn't give 2 hoots about your feelings or has no social skills. That is not someone I would consider a friend or someone I could trust. She has clearly spoken to the other woman in order for them to form a list of things to dislike about you.

When you advertise the space make sure you are clear that you are only opening up your yard to share with a like minded person to enjoy your ponies and activities together. Hopefully that will weedle out the idiots or people like me who prefer to be left on their own (for all the reasons stated in your OP).

Yards (big or small) aren't cheap to run and its supposed to be a hobby - hobbies are supposed to be fun!

 

[MissTyc]

Since there's already a list of reasons not to like you, you might as well add "kicking out livery" to the list. It really makes no difference!

As above, when you advertise, I would pitch at slightly below market rate on the provision that you ride together X times per week. If you find someone who enjoys riding with you, then you'll end up doing fun stuff like breach rides, etc ... It sounds like you do/can ride alone, so perhaps twice a week riding together is a good starting point?

I am good friends with some riding buddies, but they are just that - people with whom I like to chat and ride. Unlikely to be lifelong friends ...

 

[oldie48]

How horrible! Just say it's not working for you and give her notice. Be pleasant and professional and as others have said, advertise for someone else. When my daughter went to uni I really missed having someone to hack with and reluctantly agreed to someone sharing my yard but tbh it didn't work out well for other reasons and she moved on. The best arrangement I've had is when I've had a second hackable horse and had someone come to part share with no money or work involved. Sadly preganancy put an end to all three arrangements but they are all still good friends. I hope you sort this out soon, you don't need people like this in your life or on your yard!

 

[J&S]

This is not nice for you, definitely give her notice. There will be a more sympathetic companion out there for you.

 

[Gingerwitch]

You need a teen ! Someone a parent wants to have horses rather than boys and computers. Who would drive you nuts to go to the beach, do clinics, have group lessons and hack. Teens are often underated and have their moments but can be amazing to have around the place. Bit like jack Russell's, if they are occupied and tired they are great.

Just put an advert up on local services, space available soon. May change nasty pants for a wee while but really your way to nice to be reset like this.

 

[Fred66]

As the others have said.
BUT if you really do want to try and salvage some form of friendship (others please bear in mind friends tell the truth and OP asked the livery what the problem was with the next door livery) then be equally honest. Say your main reason for having a livery was to have someone to hack out with a few times a week and that from your viewpoint until recent months it had been working well. But that this has been happening significantly less and that it is no longer a situation that works for you. Obviously the ideal would have been that you were also included with the other clique but as it appears that this can’t be as x has such a problem (I’d be tempted to actually say that x is immature or still in the mean girl phase - don’t know what the reasons given were ie if you prefer steady hack and they prefer faster). Suggest your livery gives some thought to it and let’s you know.
Her actions will let you know whether to give her notice or not.

 

[Pinkvboots]

What a pair of bitches I would tell her to go perhaps she can get a stable next door with her new best mate, sounds like a bit of jealousy to me you certainly don't need friends like that

 

[smolmaus]

What a pair of bitches I would tell her to go perhaps she can get a stable next door with her new best mate, sounds like a bit of jealousy to me you certainly don't need friends like that

Well, then OP risks looking like the jealous one tbh. Not that it isn't a fair comment.

A nice simple "I was looking for someone to do things with and that's not happening" is clear and simple. No need to add to the mean girls drama.

I feel so bad for you Rosa666, I wouldn't describe myself as thin-skinned at all but YIKES if I got a list of things someone disliked about me? That would be hard for anyone to take. Absolutely prioritise your own feelings here and don't feel bad about it for a second!

You need a teen ! Someone a parent wants to have horses rather than boys and computers. Who would drive you nuts to go to the beach, do clinics, have group lessons and hack. Teens are often underated and have their moments but can be amazing to have around the place. Bit like jack Russell's, if they are occupied and tired they are great.

Or someone like myself who is getting back into riding and is basically re-doing their horsey teenager phase at 30

 

[ester]

See I can see myself doing that, if someone asked me if there was a problem/what the problem was I would think they wanted to know the answer.

However if you're not getting what you need out of having a livery give notice.

 

[southerncomfort]

thanks for the advice, I was hoping to be able to salvage my friendship With the livery :-( I think I’ll give it a month and see if it improves and if not then maybe have a serious think about what to do . Xx

I'm so sorry for you. What a horrible situation to be in.

To be blunt, their isn't a friendship to salvage. A friend would stick up for you, not collude with unkind behaviour of your neighbour. To stand and list all the reasons someone doesn't like you is just cruel.

Don't waste any more time on these two women. Give your livery notice and find someone else.

 

[Rumtytum]

Ask yourself if your positions were transposed and your ‘friend’ was the YO could you have done to her what she has done to you?

 

[Pinkvboots]

Well, then OP risks looking like the jealous one tbh. Not that it isn't a fair comment.

A nice simple "I was looking for someone to do things with and that's not happening" is clear and simple. No need to add to the mean girls drama.

I feel so bad for you Rosa666, I wouldn't describe myself as thin-skinned at all but YIKES if I got a list of things someone disliked about me? That would be hard for anyone to take. Absolutely prioritise your own feelings here and don't feel bad about it for a second!

Or someone like myself who is getting back into riding and is basically re-doing their horsey teenager phase at 30

I wouldn't actually tell her to get a stable with her mate it was just a snidey comment really behaviour breeds behaviour and all that lol!

 

[irishdraft]

I don't think I would be bothering trying to salvage a friendship with someone who could be so unkind it doesn't say much for your year of doing stuff together if she can drop you so callously. As someone who has been in a similar position in as much as i moved to a new area and opened a livery yard and was keen to have like minded people to ride and do things with I can understand that need . However even after having liveries for 10 years I never actually managed to have that person. However I went hunting, joined riding clubs etc and met people that way so although at home I hacked alone I always had things on to go to and socialised with people . So I would suggest you go down that route as opposed to hoping a livery will become your friend .

 

[indie1282]

TBH i dont see any point in trying to salvage your friendship with your livery, she has made is clear that she prefers to ride with the lady next door.

When you advertised for livery, did you state that the reason you was offering it was because you was looking for a livery to hack out with etc? Or did you just start riding out together? Because if i went to a yard for livery and the YO expected me to only ride with them all the time i wouldn't be very happy with that.

Unfortunately you cant really do anything about the lady next door not liking you, i really wouldn't give her another thought. I also read your post that the other lady had a list of things she didn't like rather than your livery saying it?

Regardless your livery is not providing you with what you want so i think your only option is to give notice. You dont need to go in to detail if you dont want to or you can simply say that the whole point of having a livery is to have company to hack out and ride with and you understand that she does not want to ride with you. Therefore you want to advertise for a more suitable livery.

Or you can just say you no longer want to do livery and you are buying another horse so there is no room.

If she is so friendly with the other lady then maybe she will offer her livery at her yard!