Ahem...lady area (downstairs hair!) and riding........

Birker2020

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It's the same as when people write asking what to do next about their sick horse when what they really want, but can't bring themselves to say it, is to give themselves "permission" to put the horse down.

Are you only reading her first post? Because she's been back several times giving more information about the relationship, she clearly wants to talk about it.
Well people are different, I would never want permission given from a bunch of strangers to put my horse down, the decision is mine and my vets.

I don't really think she wants to discuss it but now has literally no option as the subject has practically been forced on her.

Lets ask her shall we. OP do you mind everyone discussing your relationship and pointing out that your o/h may be controlling and therefore not suitable for you?
Or do you wish that people hadn't gone off on a tangent and you only came to discuss one thing which is the title of your post?
 
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PapaverFollis

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The initial posts regarding the relationship were simply pointing out that it is not actually necessary to make yourself sore and uncomfortable for the sake of a man's (immature in many people's views) aesthetic whims... it is amazing to me how many women seem to forget this and it always bears pointing out. The further posts about the relationship came after the OP revealed that the whims might be a "deal breaker". The OP then volunteered even more information that brought up a whole load more red flags around this man. People are responding to what the OP has contributed to the thread.
 

Pearlsasinger

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The initial posts regarding the relationship were simply pointing out that it is not actually necessary to make yourself sore and uncomfortable for the sake of a man's (immature in many people's views) aesthetic whims... it is amazing to me how many women seem to forget this and it always bears pointing out. The further posts about the relationship came after the OP revealed that the whims might be a "deal breaker". The OP then volunteered even more information that brought up a whole load more red flags around this man. People are responding to what the OP has contributed to the thread.


I would say potentially worse than 'immature' on the man's part tbh. It would seem that he cannot cope, on several levels, with a mature partner.
 

CanteringCarrot

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If the OP doesn't like or doesn't want anyone commenting on her relationship, then she wouldn't have divulged further details or could just say, "hey, let's keep this about the lady garden, please."

I also don't know why people get offended when a discussion develops and feel a need to speak for the OP. Sometimes I feel like people are looking for something to be offended about...but now we have people looking to be offended about something on behalf of someone else (who might not even be offended)? Okayyyy.

As per the usual, the advice on here can be worth exactly what you paid for it ;) take it or leave it.
 

Sossigpoker

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As a fellow female I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't at least try to get another woman (or a man !) to examine their relationship. Before it's too late. Not all manipulative relationships escalate into violence, but i would at least want to person to realise that this is where the relationship could be heading.
At the very least , the man in this is emotionally abusive and I'd always encourage anyone to value themselves more and not believe that this is ok.

Don't forget that these posts come up in Google searches and someone else might come across a post like this and it might be the wake up call they need.
 

Roxylola

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The key thing quoted above imo "all I want to do is enjoy my riding again"
The OP has tried what her man likes, its not working for her in regard to other aspects of her life, its a small thing, he could agree a compromise - mower set to a longer cut for example, or its a deal breaker. If you can't enjoy something you want to do because your partner can't compromise then why should you compromise either.
For those who've commented to ask "well does he take all his hair off too" that's not relevant at all - if he does or doesn't hes doing it for him not for the OP.
 
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Hi all,

Thank you for all your comments. I am happy that people respond as they see fit, whether that be with my original problem or with additional thoughts. I didn't realise I had quite a problem but have realised this may be a bigger issue than I originally thought. You'd cringe if you heard some other things he says to me. :( You have sort of opened my eyes. What I do with the information now, I just don't know.
 

poiuytrewq

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Hi all,

Thank you for all your comments. I am happy that people respond as they see fit, whether that be with my original problem or with additional thoughts. I didn't realise I had quite a problem but have realised this may be a bigger issue than I originally thought. You'd cringe if you heard some other things he says to me. :( You have sort of opened my eyes. What I do with the information now, I just don't know.
You evaluate your happiness and how you feel.
I could say stuff about my OH that would make people think I’m some kind of idiot for hanging around with such an arsehole 😂
Truth is no ones relationship is 100% perfect and we only know that snippet of info. We don’t know how great he may be in other ways.
 

Roxylola

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Hi all,

Thank you for all your comments. I am happy that people respond as they see fit, whether that be with my original problem or with additional thoughts. I didn't realise I had quite a problem but have realised this may be a bigger issue than I originally thought. You'd cringe if you heard some other things he says to me. :( You have sort of opened my eyes. What I do with the information now, I just don't know.
What would you advise a friend to do?
You know the "other things" he says are unacceptable already as you haven't shared them in an anonymous forum.
This next is for anyone who thinks they might be being bullied or subject to any sort of abusive relationship - by a partner, friend, family member

They won't change.

They may apologise for their behaviour (usually because "you made them angry"). They may tell you things will be different this time. They may offer you a deal - if you do x then I will _____ (insert behaviour that is usually the bear minimum we should be able to expect of a decent human being) - the thing with this is you have to x first and then somehow they'll still welch on their side - I would have but you made me so angry. They may end the relationship, dramatically with much speak of how much you've hurt them, probably with some fabricated or exaggerated version of your behaviour to make you defend yourself "you never loved me like I loved you" when you protest they'll give you just one more chance to "prove" your love.

The reality is They Will Not Change, not really, not in any meaningful way. They will change you, drip by drip slowly they will erode you
 

Annagain

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You evaluate your happiness and how you feel.
I could say stuff about my OH that would make people think I’m some kind of idiot for hanging around with such an arsehole 😂
Truth is no ones relationship is 100% perfect and we only know that snippet of info. We don’t know how great he may be in other ways.
This totally.

While everyone on here has your best interests at heart, we can be quite a forceful bossy persuasive bunch when we gang up pull together :).

It's good that your eyes have been opened but only you know how that fits in with the bigger picture and how you feel about the whole relationship.

Maybe you need to imagine a friend has come to you with the information you have about yourself. What would you advise that friend to do?

I really hope you have someone in real life to talk to. My PM's are always open if not.
 

Kat

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OP in all seriousness do you have friends or family that can help you leave/be available while you have a chat with him?

If you were scared to bring up the pain that being hairless causes you and how it affects your hobby then I'd hazard a guess that a "it's not working" convo won't be any easier for you.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
Now you have recognised that there is a problem please read these links. Read about coercive control, gaslighting and DARVO.

Confide in a friend or relative.

Make a safe plan to leave. You don't have to follow it yet if you aren't ready but knowing that you have a plan will empower you. I don't know about your circumstances but many women are trapped due to finances, setting up some separate savings and checking out what help is available might give you some more options.
 

Pinkvboots

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Everyone is missing the point. The poster asked if people shaved down there.

She didn't ask for relationship advice however well meant.

Its amazing how these posts start off well meaning and then denigrate into a slagging off of a much loved partner, who up to this point had been in a positive and happy relationship.
What go away
 

Pinkvboots

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Well people are different, I would never want permission given from a bunch of strangers to put my horse down, the decision is mine and my vets.

I don't really think she wants to discuss it but now has literally no option as the subject has practically been forced on her.

Lets ask her shall we. OP do you mind everyone discussing your relationship and pointing out that your o/h may be controlling and therefore not suitable for you?
Or do you wish that people hadn't gone off on a tangent and you only came to discuss one thing which is the title of your post?
Why the hell are you bringing this up again go away this has nothing to do with you or the way you treated your poor horse
 

PapaverFollis

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Flyingsolo, do you have family or real life friends you can go to for practical and emotional support?

It may seem like an insurmountable hill to climb but you CAN leave this man if you want to, you are not stuck. You may have to go slowly and carefully, unpick financial things, move important documents and essential items together or even to a safe place in a friend's house with some subtlety. And please go carefully and be ready in case he gets nasty when you tell him. Consider actually being out of there before you tell him.

You may decide not to leave, that is up to you. My advice above is aimed at helping you think about keeping yourself safe if you do decide to. It is best to over-estimate, rather than under-estimate, his potential reaction.

TPO shared some links upthread that may be useful.

You can also tell him to leave depending on your living situation of course but I would definitely recommend having a couple of friends to be with you and who can move in for a time if you do that. Again, for the sake if over-estimating possible outcome, rather than under-estimating.

You can try and work things out with him but from what you say it sounds to me like that's probably not possible and you will end up further entangled, disempowered and unhappy... and leaving will become even harder.

Please take care, and value yourself enough to do what is right for you as if you are someone you are responsible for looking after. X
 

Goldenstar

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FS do do seek the counsel and support of a friend or family member ( personally I think a friend is best ) .
I am sixty I have seen a lot, every woman needs an exit strategy things are not always as they seem ,stuff creeps upon you .
Keep a bit of your heart for yourself from now on and it’s time to think a bit of simple planning to protect yourself ,firstly you need a slush fund even a little helps .
I have a friend for whom a little Keepy back ( as she called it ) saved her in an impossible situation .
I send you all my best wishes and cyber support .
 

Red-1

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Well people are different, I would never want permission given from a bunch of strangers to put my horse down, the decision is mine and my vets.

I don't really think she wants to discuss it but now has literally no option as the subject has practically been forced on her.

Lets ask her shall we. OP do you mind everyone discussing your relationship and pointing out that your o/h may be controlling and therefore not suitable for you?
Or do you wish that people hadn't gone off on a tangent and you only came to discuss one thing which is the title of your post?
Birker, I really think you should step away from the keyboard. I don't believe your message was helpful, I found it passive aggressive, rubbing salt into the wounds. It isn't about you. OP has posed a question, had different points of view, taken them on board, given more information and is using the (very helpful and insightful) information to think over her options. You have come crashing in, criticising veering, highlighting the OP, literally in red as well as figuratively.

OP. I feel for you. I have seen the effect these people who use subtle coercive techniques have, and how they operate. I wish you well in your evaluations. I am glad you have had other points of view. I don't think any of us are surprised to hear that there are other, worse things, that he has said.

I don't believe this man will ever value you, it will always be 'your fault' and you can't win. Then he will likely have a sob story. A crisis.

I hope, at least, that what you will get out of it is a comfy foof when riding, as you may well choose to let it grow back to a tidy lawn as opposed to naked.

It may be that he doesn't mind as much as you think, but if he does then that is your answer. I dread to think what the other comments could have been about.
 

Labaire

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What I do with the information now, I just don't know.
Ask yourself how you'd feel being free of this sort of stress. Then, if you decide you need to go then talk to friends/family and look at the links TPO provided and start planning. Remember, anything is possible with regards to where you want to go and how you want your life to be.
 

Melody Grey

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Hi all,

Thank you for all your comments. I am happy that people respond as they see fit, whether that be with my original problem or with additional thoughts. I didn't realise I had quite a problem but have realised this may be a bigger issue than I originally thought. You'd cringe if you heard some other things he says to me. :( You have sort of opened my eyes. What I do with the information now, I just don't know.
My advice would be to take a good step back and look at things- maybe a few days away if you can? I know this is so much easier said than done.

A few people said this to me years ago when I was in a manipulative relationship. It ended in the barsteward leaving me for pretty superficial reasons, not at all dissimilar to your points discussed here. I had a nervous breakdown.
I can say this, now being in a good place with my life having met someone else and wonderful that this man is not right for you OP. Please try to move on, you deserve so much better xx

*disclaimer: not looking for sympathy in disclosing this, just wanted you to know that I’ve been there and things will get better without this person in your life.
 

PurBee

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If a man will only be with you depending on the style of your toosh, he’s certainly not interested in You as a person.

Everyone gets to decide - want a brief zappy ‘fun’ shallow relationship - or something more meaningful and long-lasting, that definitely goes beyond just physical looks?

Most tend to have to go through the former in younger years to eventually realise and find the latter.
 

Pearlsasinger

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What would you advise a friend to do?
You know the "other things" he says are unacceptable already as you haven't shared them in an anonymous forum.
This next is for anyone who thinks they might be being bullied or subject to any sort of abusive relationship - by a partner, friend, family member

They won't change.

They may apologise for their behaviour (usually because "you made them angry"). They may tell you things will be different this time. They may offer you a deal - if you do x then I will _____ (insert behaviour that is usually the bear minimum we should be able to expect of a decent human being) - the thing with this is you have to x first and then somehow they'll still welch on their side - I would have but you made me so angry. They may end the relationship, dramatically with much speak of how much you've hurt them, probably with some fabricated or exaggerated version of your behaviour to make you defend yourself "you never loved me like I loved you" when you protest they'll give you just one more chance to "prove" your love.

The reality is They Will Not Change, not really, not in any meaningful way. They will change you, drip by drip slowly they will erode you


Exactly, the only behaviour that anyone can change is their own. OP, please look after yourself, whatever you decide to do.
 
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Sossigpoker

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692
OP just came back to say how delighted I am to hear that you are evaluating your relationship!
I've also been in a manipulative relationship , he left me in the end but by that time I had no feeling of self worth and i pretty much had a break down.
I hope you can find the strength and practical means of ending this relationship on your terms- I also sadly agree that people don't change. They may pretend to change on the surface but below the skin their views of them being superior and your role being the one to please them will remain.

Do keep us posted and do reach out for virtual help , even if it just to vent!

I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say that we're all behind you.
 

GreyMane

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If a man will only be with you depending on the style of your toosh, he’s certainly not interested in You as a person.

Everyone gets to decide - want a brief zappy ‘fun’ shallow relationship - or something more meaningful and long-lasting, that definitely goes beyond just physical looks?

Most tend to have to go through the former in younger years to eventually realise and find the latter.
Hmm, don't think "fun" is the word, after what we've been told about him. Surely you can have a short term or casual relationship without being scared of what someone will say. They are living together so it's gone further than that.

OP you may want to look up the characteristics of narcissists, they are very good at using others while making them feel unworthy.

I know someone right now who's quite ill herself, but is wearing herself out providing a taxi service for her ex, a confirmed narcissist and alcoholic who refuses to look after himself in any way and nearly died as a result: she saved his life but he describes her to his other friends as "So stupid". She deserves better, so do you. x
 

OldNag

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Now you have recognised that there is a problem please read these links. Read about coercive control, gaslighting and DARVO.

Confide in a friend or relative.

Make a safe plan to leave. You don't have to follow it yet if you aren't ready but knowing that you have a plan will empower you. I don't know about your circumstances but many women are trapped due to finances, setting up some separate savings and checking out what help is available might give you some more options.
Following on from coercive control etc...

This may or may not be useful for you OP at this point, but can I point out this link in case it's also of help to others in similar situations who might come across this thread. The Freedom Programme explains how abusers operate and helps their victims to understand their experience. There's an online version https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php
 

GrassChop

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The issue is not about judging how women like to present themselves. Not.At.All. I have done Brazilians, landing strips, Hollywoods, etc. And I don’t give a fiddley Pom about how other women keep their vag gardens.

There are two issues here.

One “deal breakers” based on appearance - in particular based on smt so intimate as sexual appearance. This is awful for many reasons. Smacks to me as the beginning of coercive control, which over time can escalate. Might not be of course. But would rankle my spidey senses nonetheless.

The other issue is the possible reason why being hairless is a “dealbreaker”. To be a dealbreaker it must be very very significant for this man. This would lead me to think that he might have issues. Only being attracted to hairless seems indicative of something. The operative word here is only. It does indicate an attraction to pre pubescence. Or perhaps a porn fetish. Either of these, plus the possibility of coerce control would be a deal breaker for me.
Being bald down below is very common these days, or at least in my generation, so the prepubescent or porn star thing is a bit weird to me as a lot of us are completely shaved! I personally like it completely gone because it feels more attractive than pubic hair. Clean shaven is the norm for me and everyone I know mid-twenties and the whole child thing is just weird. (My opinion.)
 
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