Are there any English teachers/people willing to give CC? writing awards entry

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FinalFurlong

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Last year i came on the top 6 shortlist for a writing awards based around horse racing, this time around im determined to do better. It will be more difficult as im stepping up an age category but as the prize is pretty good (£500 for winner, £250 runner up plus a days racing in newmarket as well as the winners piece being published in the racing post) I have started drafting early, as last year i typed it in about 15 mins, scan read it then sent it off.

This is what i have so far for the opening paragraph, last year i did a piece about stable staff and how they really are the base of racing so i thought id stick to that but try harder as it is something i really feel passionate about especially working at weekends in a racing yard myself. I have a story line plan, things will twist at the end and i have a 1,900 word limit.

So anyone (teachers or whoever as long as its some constructive crit im not bothered!) who would care to give this a little read anything would be appreciated! Feeling rather nervous at posting this!!

He blew sweet warm air into my face, his graceful ears edged forward. “You’ll be great, you’ll gallop your heart out I know you will” I breathed softly into his ear, patting his broad neck laced with muscle. He was ready for this, I know he was. He felt so easy the morning before, covering the ground in sweeping strides with more class and elegance than before, in a masterly fashion. He was so perfect in work, like a ballerina he moved harmoniously up the gallops, poised, practiced and profoundly statuesque. He was quite simply made for this.

I smiled to myself, feeling warmth inside. I ran a soft, ductile grooming mitt over his lustrous gleaming freshly washed coat. It shone like a deep minted copper coin, the flecks of sunlight from outside dancing over it as if even the world could feel my excitement too. I rubbed white chalk over his socks, the other grooms laughed at me for making such an effort for a £2,000 handicap chase on a drizzly Wednesday afternoon at Folkestone but this could be the start of everything. Even King Kauto ran in a handicap chase once. Bucking his smooth leather roller and vibrant red paddock sheet over him, I led him out into the parade ring.
 
He blew sweet warm air into my face. His graceful ears edged forward. “You’ll be great, you’ll gallop your heart out, I know you will.” I breathed softly into his ear, patting his broad neck laced with muscle. He was ready for this, I know he was. He felt so easy the morning before, covering the ground in sweeping strides with more class and elegance than before, in a masterly fashion. He was so perfect in work. like a ballerina He flowed up the gallops, poised, practiced and profoundly statuesque. He was quite simply made for this.

I smiled to myself, feeling warm inside. I ran a soft, ductile grooming mitt over his lustrous gleaming freshly washed coat. It shone like a newly minted copper coin. the flecks of Sunlight from outside danced over it as if even the world could feel my excitement too. I rubbed white chalk over his socks. The other grooms laughed at me for making such an effort for a £2,000 handicap chase on a drizzly Wednesday afternoon at Folkestone but this could be the start of everything. Even King Kauto ran in a handicap chase once. Bucking his smooth leather roller and vibrant red paddock sheet over him, I led him out into the parade ring.


-----
Made a few changes! Try not to use so many descriptive words. They sorta lose their impact when you cram them in.

Watch that you're not repeating yourself, too. 1.9k isn't very many words and if you repeat yourself, you'll have even less to play with.

(Bold is where I've made changes. Italic is things I think should be removed.)

Hope this helps!
 
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Here's my go (didn't look at the one above as I wanted to do it 'blind' and have only checked spelling, grammar and punctuation, rather than content.

He blew sweet warm air into my face; his graceful ears edged forward. “You’ll be great, you’ll gallop your heart out, I know you will,” I breathed softly into his ear, patting his broad neck laced with muscle. He was ready for this, I know he was. He felt so easy the morning before, covering the ground in sweeping strides with more class and elegance than before, in a masterly fashion. He was so perfect in work, like a ballerina he moved harmoniously up the gallops, poised, practiced and profoundly statuesque. He was quite simply made for this.

I smiled to myself, feeling warmth inside. I ran a soft, ductile grooming mitt over his lustrous, gleaming, freshly washed coat. It shone like a deep minted copper coin, the flecks of sunlight from outside dancing over it as if even the world could feel my excitement too. I rubbed white chalk over his socks. The other grooms laughed at me for making such an effort for a £2,000 handicap chase on a drizzly Wednesday afternoon at Folkestone, but this could be the start of everything. Even King Kauto ran in a handicap chase once. Bucking his smooth leather roller and vibrant red paddock sheet over him, I led him out into the parade ring.


Sorry the bold doesn't show very well for punctuation - look for a semicolon, about four commas and a full stop! :) Good luck!
 
EKW said:
Is this for the Wills awards? I remember Patrick Mullins winning entry from last year - the National he would rather forget with Donney's Gate.
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yes it is :) his was so moving and so was the person's he drew with, they all where really! So i need to up my game!

Thank you everyone i really appreciate it!
 
I can't quote as on my phone but you have a line ' Bucking his smooth leather roller and vibrant red paddock sheet over him, I led him out into the parade ring.' Surely should be buckling?
 
meandmyself said:
He blew sweet warm airinto my face. His graceful ears edgedforward. “You’ll be great, you’ll gallop yourheart out,I know you will.”I breathed softlyinto his ear, patting his broad neck laced with muscle.He was ready for this, I knowhe was.He felt so easy the morning before, covering the groundin sweeping strides with more class and elegance than before,in a masterly fashion.He was so perfectin work. like a ballerinaHe flowed up the gallops, poised, practiced and profoundly statuesque.He was quite simply madefor this.I smiled to myself, feeling warminside.I ran a soft, ductile grooming mitt over his lustrous gleaming freshlywashed coat.It shone like a newly minted copper coin. the flecks of Sunlight from outside danced overit asif even the world could feel my excitement too.I rubbed white chalk over his socks. The other grooms laughed at mefor making such an effortfor a £2,000 handicap chase on a drizzly Wednesday afternoon at Folkestone but this could be the start of everything. Even King Kauto ranin a handicap chase once. Bucking his smooth leather roller and vibrant red paddock sheet over him,I led him outinto the parade ring. ----- Made a few changes! Try not to use so many descriptive words. They sorta lose theirimpact when you cram themin. Watch that you're not repeating yourself, too. 1.9kisn't very many words andif you repeat yourself, you'll have even less to play with. (Boldis whereI've made changes.Italicis thingsI think should be removed.) Hope thishelps!
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I agree with this, too much descriptionin places.It's like you are using everything you could think of.

''He was ready for this, I know he was.He felt so easy the morning before, covering the ground in sweeping strides with more class and elegance than before,in a masterly fashion.He was so perfect in work, like a ballerina he moved harmoniously up the gallops, poised, practiced and profoundly statuesque.He was quite simply madefor this.''

I would change 'i know he was' to i knew he was.
i wouldn't use 'ballerina' as this is feminine and he is a he.

good luck with it. sounds like a good prize
 
festnuttyfairy said:
I agree with this, too much descriptionin places.It's like you are using everything you could think of.

''He was ready for this, I know he was.He felt so easy the morning before, covering the ground in sweeping strides with more class and elegance than before,in a masterly fashion.He was so perfect in work, like a ballerina he moved harmoniously up the gallops, poised, practiced and profoundly statuesque.He was quite simply madefor this.''

I would change 'i know he was' to i knew he was.
i wouldn't use 'ballerina' as this is feminine and he is a he.

good luck with it. sounds like a good prize
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thanks :)
 
Sorta hijacking this thread. I just took a look, and the entry requirements say:

Residents of the UK and Republic of Ireland aged under 26 at 1 January 2012 (other than employees, in a journalistic capacity, of the national and racing press and previous winners in their category.) Maximum ages in each category are as at 1 January 2012.

I didn't turn 27 until April this year. Does that mean that I can enter? (Sorry, have an awful cold and my brain isn't working right.)
 
My old boss always said, write your piece then halve it! It makes it tighter. So with that in mind I have had a bit of an edit.

I am not sure about the ballerina bit - it reads like ballerinas move harmoniously up the gallops. The bit in green about the coin, again I think you mean the copper is deep and not the minting.

Hope I don't sound picky, I would like to know what happens next! Could you add a bit of excitement in between putting the rug on and going to the paddock ring, something like "deep breath", "I gave him one last pat" or 'this is it'


He blew sweet warm air into my face and his graceful ears edged forward. “You’ll be great, you’ll gallop your heart out I know you will”. I breathed softly into his ear, patting his broad muscular neck. He is ready for this, I know he is.

He felt so easy the morning before, covering the ground in sweeping strides with more class and elegance than I had felt before. He was so perfect, poised, practiced and profoundly statuesque. He was, quite simply, made for this.

I smiled to myself, feeling warmth inside. I ran a soft mitt over his gleaming coat. It shone like a deep minted copper coin, the flecks of sunlight from outside dancing over it as if even the world could feel my excitement too. I rubbed white chalk over his socks, the other grooms laughed at me for making such an effort for a £2,000 handicap chase on a drizzly Wednesday afternoon at Folkestone but this could be the start of everything. Even King Kauto ran in a handicap chase once. Buckilng his leather roller and bright red paddock sheet over him, I led him out into the parade ring.
 
Oh, FF. Not sure which age group you're in, but the max words isn't 1.9k.

There is no obligation to write anywhere near the maxima of 1,200 words (Under 26 & Under 19 categories) and 800 words (Under 15 category).
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meandmyself said:
Sorta hijacking this thread. I just took a look, and the entry requirements say:

Residents of the UK and Republic of Ireland aged under 26 at 1 January 2012 (other than employees, in a journalistic capacity, of the national and racing press and previous winners in their category.) Maximum ages in each category are as at 1 January 2012.

I didn't turn 27 until April this year. Does that mean that I can enter? (Sorry, have an awful cold and my brain isn't working right.)
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if it helps entries for the next one open 5th jan 2013. My brain is fried ive been doing too much psychology coursework sorry!
 
Rebel Without a Claus said:
My old boss always said, write your piece then halve it! It makes it tighter. So with that in mind I have had a bit of an edit.

I am not sure about the ballerina bit - it reads like ballerinas move harmoniously up the gallops. The bit in green about the coin, again I think you mean the copper is deep and not the minting.

Hope I don't sound picky, I would like to know what happens next! Could you add a bit of excitement in between putting the rug on and going to the paddock ring, something like "deep breath", "I gave him one last pat" or 'this is it'


He blew sweet warm air into my face and his graceful ears edged forward. “You’ll be great, you’ll gallop your heart out I know you will”. I breathed softly into his ear, patting his broad muscular neck. He is ready for this, I know he is.

He felt so easy the morning before, covering the ground in sweeping strides with more class and elegance than I had felt before. He was so perfect, poised, practiced and profoundly statuesque. He was, quite simply, made for this.

I smiled to myself, feeling warmth inside. I ran a soft mitt over his gleaming coat. It shone like a deep minted copper coin, the flecks of sunlight from outside dancing over it as if even the world could feel my excitement too. I rubbed white chalk over his socks, the other grooms laughed at me for making such an effort for a £2,000 handicap chase on a drizzly Wednesday afternoon at Folkestone but this could be the start of everything. Even King Kauto ran in a handicap chase once. Buckilng his leather roller and bright red paddock sheet over him, I led him out into the parade ring.
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i have changed deep minted to newly minted, does that make more sense? thank you you aren't being picky! You can find out what happenes next if i win/get runner up! :D i can always have hope!
 
Ah yes, newly minted is great. Good luck I am looking forward to reading the whole thing - does he win or doesn't he? That is the question... :cool:
 
Rebel Without a Claus said:
Ah yes, newly minted is great. Good luck I am looking forward to reading the whole thing - does he win or doesn't he? That is the question... :cool:
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i do have a catch under my sleeve for it! Judges are mainly looking for originality, just praying everyone else decides to write about frankel or kauto not stable staff!

thank you everyone i have made changed, CC is much appreciated! :D
 
I think I'm too old. :( Boo.

Editminion.com is great for catching things like repeated words and it is free to use.

Good luck FF. :D
 
How exciting!

I would agree - as well as wanting to know what happens (!) I think you're currently throwing too much by way of obvious description and expression in there, it interrupts the flow and can read a little 'try hard' if you know what I mean - meant with love! :)

The best advice I could give would be: 1) make every word - in fact, every syllable -count. Your writing will have more impact that way. So swapping to simpler words of one syllable (try it, it's powerful!) and cutting or changing tack with some of the descriptive bits would probably help.

2) Look for ways other than 'descriptive word ahead of thing' to create colour and images. So instead of "descriptive word + thing", mix it up a bit with other ways to create imagery. If the horse's neck is 'broad and muscular' perhaps rather than factually describing it as such, which makes the rhythm of the prose feel a bit samey, you could just say his neck felt rock solid under your hand. Or perhaps describe the smell of the grass as it's crushed by the hooves, rather than what it looks like. And be prepared to let the reader fill in some of the descriptive information themselves rather than describing everything. They need to know what the story and things in it should 'feel' like, they don't need a full coloured in picture. Think about the books you like to read and the characters in them, then analyse how much of that person has actually been described in a prescriptive way, and how much has the author pulled out relevant characteristics because they help you get a sense of the character's personality, but left things like eye colour, skin tone, hair colour and length, features etc... Give them one or two really evocative images rather than lots of information which insists on their mental image being exactly the same as yours. You can get away with a lot less than you think provided the description you do provide all counts towards what the character / scene should 'feel' like.
Does that make sense? Good luck!
 
philamena said:
How exciting! I would agree - as well as wanting to know what happens (!) I think you're currently throwing too much by way of obvious description and expression in there, it interrupts the flow and can read a little 'try hard' if you know what I mean - meant with love! :) The best advice I could give would be: 1) make every word - in fact, every syllable -count. Your writing will have more impact that way. So swapping to simpler words of one syllable (try it, it's powerful!) and cutting or changing tack with some of the descriptive bits would probably help. 2) Look for ways other than 'descriptive word ahead of thing' to create colour and images. So instead of "descriptive word + thing", mix it up a bit with other ways to create imagery. If the horse's neck is 'broad and muscular' perhaps rather than factually describing it as such, which makes the rhythm of the prose feel a bit samey, you could just say his neck felt rock solid under your hand. Or perhaps describe the smell of the grass as it's crushed by the hooves, rather than what it looks like. And be prepared to let the reader fill in some of the descriptive information themselves rather than describing everything. They need to know what the story and things in it should 'feel' like, they don't need a full coloured in picture. Think about the books you like to read and the characters in them, then analyse how much of that person has actually been described in a prescriptive way, and how much has the author pulled out relevant characteristics because they help you get a sense of the character's personality, but left things like eye colour, skin tone, hair colour and length, features etc... Give them one or two really evocative images rather than lots of information which insists on their mental image being exactly the same as yours. You can get away with a lot less than you think provided the description you do provide all counts towards what the character / scene should 'feel' like. Does that make sense? Good luck!
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How fab is that. that is all the stuff i meant of course :D
 
Hey OP. I'm a student studying English and Creative Writing at University level and have done a lot of beta reading in the past for writers sending off their scripts for print and self publishing.

If you want someone to proofread and go through your short story line by line and make suggestions, I'd be happy to do that for free. I do have a few thoughts about what you've gotten so far (I noticed you grossly overuse adjectives to replace concrete language, and your punctuation for speech needs some work to name two criticisms) but I'd rather do this myself and send you a copy rather than posting it on here for everyone to see :)

If you'd like me to lend a hand, feel free to PM me. If not, try and cut down on those adjectives! The more you use doesn't equal good writing. Readers like to use their imagination too, so there's no need to describe something excessively. So we don't want to see anything like;

The dynamic, powerful, majestic movements of the horse...

^ So redundant!

One adjective is enough, if you even need it at all. Think economy, always.

Also, speech is punctuated as following:

"Yadda yadda," he said.

She replied, "blah blah."

Take a new paragraph if another character begins to talk, or if your character is making a speech and changes subject, just as you'd do with the narrative.

Good luck, hope you snag that prize!
 
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