Aversion to riding

[Pink Gorilla]

So I’ve got this weird thing at the minute. I’ve been riding 28yrs, but lost my horse of 21yrs in March. I’ve never thought of myself as an advanced rider as I’ve never competed, but felt I was confident and competent as my old horse was whizzy and quirky and I loved him for it. Also I rode a lot of sharp horses during my equine degree at uni. Anyway a few weeks after my horse died I bought a well bred young warmblood. I quickly realised newly started 4yr olds were a whole other kettle of fish and I felt like a rubbish rider on him, even before he threw me off. Also all the other horses I’ve ridden since losing my old horse I’ve felt rubbish on. I get off feeling frustrated and mad at myself for being so rubbish. Lately I’ve been avoiding all offers to ride. I love horses, I love riding, but I had to admit I over-horsed myself with my youngster and I’ve just very reluctantly sold him to a fab dressage home. But as I said, I also felt rubbish on more novice horses that I rode for friends etc. I’ve since started volunteering on a dressage yard and make excuses to avoid the lady’s offer to ride her lovely intermediate level dressage horse, saying I’m happy to just muck out, or I don’t have my hat etc. I’m not afraid of falling off, I’m afraid of the feeling of failure I feel afterwards. Since my confidence has gone, I’ve noticed my actual riding has also regressed and I ride with less assertion and tend to almost freeze not knowing what to do for the best because I’m second guessing myself. I’m not particularly nervous, but I second guess everything and anything with my riding aids since trying to teach a green as grass youngster, when before I didn’t overthink it. Has anyone else ever been here? I desperately want another horse but can’t face the humiliation of potential sellers seeing what a rubbish rider I am and the subsequent feelings of failure on the way home. Self pity parade I know!!! But seriously considering giving up and spending my budget on lead rein ponies for my little children instead.

 

[Equi]

You are grieving. Its perfectly normal and natural. We all get into a routine of riding our own ole reliable and no other horse will compare (my YO/instructor is dreading my boy being out of action cause he is not replicable) so frankly you need to go back to basics with yourself and pretend you have never ridden before, find a ploddy happy thing to just sit on and enjoy with no pressure about needing to "ride" them so something like a tekking horse for a little plod. Just go slow and learn to love riding again in your own time and eventually you will gain your confidence again and it will all come back. I know my fella is the biggest plod in the world but still has a bit of go in him but he is so sane that even the thought of anything else fears me. He is slowing down now and so my riding ability will go down with him...but i will deal with that when the time comes. Its nothing i havent had to do before..so i know it all works eventually. Just takes time

Im sorry for your loss by the way.

 

[PurBee]

Im sorry to hear about losing your boy. Was he your main riding horse for years?, and so the change to other horses is a bit strange for you and you’re in a way channelling that grief due to loss/change to self failure?

You dont need to answer here if you dont want, im just asking to make more conscious what are oftentimes unconscious reactions to loss and change.

Your obviously willing to try other horses, but due to their unfamiliarity/unpredictability, brings with it a sense of instability, which is entirely natural and common.
And i bet you’re not a rubbish rider at all! Your flair will return, don’t give up, just give yourself time xx

 

[charterline]

Sounds like a trip to a bog standard riding school is what you need

 

[2ndtimearound]

Sorry to hear you are having a confidence wobble, though it’s completely understandable after what you’ve been through. And I’m sorry for your loss.

Why not try a trip to a reasonably local trekking centre with a good reputation? If you find one that does mixed-ability rides (catering from beginners to experienced) (and extra points if it’s somewhere scenic), there would be way less pressure on your perceived riding ability, and both staff and horses are likely to be very forgiving if you have a bit of a moment.

ETA: That would probably be less pressure on you because you wouldn’t be there to be taught, unlike a lesson at a riding school.

 

[dogatemysalad]

I think this happens to everyone who loses their long term partner. Can't remember her name, but a few years ago a top eventer lost her horse of a life time and decided to end her career. I doubt it was because she lost her confidence, she would have ridden many horses, it was because she'd lost her partner who she knew inside out and probably rode with that kind of telepathy that all of us with long term horses understand.
Selling the young horse was a good decision, sadly, it wasn't the right time to start a new journey with a horse that needed so much input.
Don't push yourself, it's early days. It took a bright sunny day and horses clip clopping past my window that made the desire to ride again after losing my old friend overwhelming. Everyone is different, we never understand our grief until we start to come out the other side.
Your decision to avoid riding is only for today. It may be tomorrow, next week, month or year when you change your mind - or decide you want to focus on horse care or something entirely different. Live in the moment and be kind to yourself. I'm so sorry about the loss of your horse.

 

[SussexbytheXmasTree]

Sounds like a trip to a bog standard riding school is what you need

When I had my 8 year old pts because of wobblers and also my mother was ill I started started hacking out at the local riding school. I found it lovely to get back the carefree horse riding feeling. I just hacked no lessons and all the horses were comfortably within my capability. A year later I started my horse owning journey again after a false start by over horsing myself. (We’ve all been there at sometime in our horsey journey!)

 

[tda]

You are grieving. Its perfectly normal and natural. We all get into a routine of riding our own ole reliable and no other horse will compare (my YO/instructor is dreading my boy being out of action cause he is not replicable) so frankly you need to go back to basics with yourself and pretend you have never ridden before, find a ploddy happy thing to just sit on and enjoy with no pressure about needing to "ride" them so something like a tekking horse for a little plod. Just go slow and learn to love riding again in your own time and eventually you will gain your confidence again and it will all come back. I know my fella is the biggest plod in the world but still has a bit of go in him but he is so sane that even the thought of anything else fears me. He is slowing down now and so my riding ability will go down with him...but i will deal with that when the time comes. Its nothing i havent had to do before..so i know it all works eventually. Just takes time

Im sorry for your loss by the way.

This
Take your time x

 

[Pink Gorilla]

Thank you for all the kind responses. I think you’re right I am still grieving. I feel fine talking about him most of the time, but then when I think of my current issue of losing faith in my abilities and then think of him it just makes me cry. It felt like we fit together like two pieces of a puzzle and all other horses are a bad fit. I had one nice ride before lockdown, just before my horse died when once of the school horses at a local riding school that caterers for all abilities took me lovely and forwards into a 90cm jump and it felt great. But all the flat lesssons I’ve had and all othe other horses I’ve jumped since I feel like a beginner. I think I was lucky and hit a brill stride with that guy and he really knew his job. I think the trekking sounds like a great idea. I’ll see if anywhere near me does anything like that. I’ve only really done arena work this year on the flat, so maybe I need to try to stop being perfect all the time and find the fun and carefree side of riding again.

 

[Trouper]

I'm so sorry you lost your special one and, yes, losses like that take time to get over. But I would bet you are not a rubbish rider at all - you are just trying to cope with "different" and that takes time. Many top riders find others' horses difficult to adapt to and some are even passed on to "more suitable" rider combinations. If memory serves me right Carl Hester found Valegro not to his style but with Charlotte.............

Only you know how much time you need to get over your loss before you embark on ownership again. But for the riding - it sounds as if your dressage yard lady has some confidence in you or she would not offer you her intermediate horse!! I would take her into your confidence and explain what has happened and how you feel. She may be able to help you herself - or recommend someone who can. Good old lunge lessons with a good instructor can do wonders to develop both your riding and your confidence. More so, I would suggest, than happy hacking riding school horses where we all default to our own style.

Separate the grief from the riding and deal with them as two separate issues - I am sure you will surprise yourself. Take care.

 

[Not_so_brave_anymore]

I'm much the same at the moment. I spend all my time reminiscing over various horsey highlights, and I feel like there's nothing I want more in the world than to replicate that, but when I actually do ride it all just feels wrong. In my case I think its largely down to not being 19 anymore ?

I did get the lead rein pony for my kids, which is great in some ways (in fact, the only ways it's not great are to do with location/lack of facilities tbh) less risk but also less reward I guess.

I also hack out occasionally with the local riding school, which is zero pressure, and always fun, but I never get that proper riding buzz/high.

 

[Julie Ole Girl]

You sound just like me. I am happy to get on any horse, but my own, my dear 20 year old mare who is great most of the time, I'm so conscious of making her upset and pushing her too far, that she gets upset anyway, and then, I don't want to ride her. Its a personal thing. If you're youngster was at a riding school and you just got on and rode and had no feelings you would probably be fine. Just my theory.....

 

[Pink Gorilla]

Yes I’m definitely trying to recapture those feelings of past experiences pre-children. I’m hoping to make new memories with a new horse though. Yet I can’t seem to enjoy riding any others, but when I was younger i enjoyed riding most horses. Yes I definitely would have found my youngster less pressure if he was someone else's horse. It was such a big responsibility and I didn’t have faith in myself to do him justice, especially when he started trying it on.