Best way to politely turn someone down?

Paint Me Proud

Paint Me Proud

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Had a chance encounter with a lady today and turned out she was looking for a part loan for her daughter and as i am struggling financially with Chico atm I invited her to come visit him this evening.

They arrived and I tacked up etc. Rode Chico in the school, very windy but he was ok.

The daughter got on and rode him in walk for about 15 minutes.

Now the lady and her daughter were lovely and very down to earth etc but I dont feel the daughter was experienced enough (and if i'm perfectly honest she was probably a little too heavy for Chico)

I have agreed for them to come back next week and the daughter will have a lesson with my instructor.

I was upfront and said if my instructor didnt feel the daughter was experienced enough I wouldnt be able to offer them the share. They were happy with this.

HOWEVER....

I already pretty much feel that she isnt suitable and I dont want to offer the share.

Is it mean of me to allow them the trial lesson whilst i know anyway its not going to work?

They were such nice people I really dont want to upset anyone etc.

Help!
 
hun let your instructor make a decision and then kindly explain this - ok if to heavy yep thats no no - if inexperienced can you help there will they have lessons - dont say no yet listen to instructor and go from there- nice people are hard to find and yes if inexperienced would they have lessons with your instructor ? some people are so desperate to learn and listen and those people are the best trust me :)
 
I may be wrong, but have a lot of your doubts arisen after they have left? maybe you remember them to be worse than they are and with the help of an experienced good instructor they could have a good relationship with your horse? perhaps explain you'd prefer them to stick to lessons until she improves to school hack out alone?

Or.. He is YOUR horse and your responsibility and you owe it to him to choose a good match :) Ring them up and explain gently that with very careful consideration you do not feel they are right to part loan your horse. Wish them luck in their search and even offer to keep an ear out for them.

good luck xx
 
Just tell her that on reflection you have decided to postpone the sharing arrangement and you will be in touch when you are ready to share. Then dont get in touch. Easiest and kindest way.
 
I had someone ask me the other day if she could come up and ride my horse a couple of times a week. To cut long story short, she was coming up to where I work for lessons, and then ended up riding one of the full liveries a few times a week, this horse was 15hh, 22 years old and a quiet cob type. He has now moved on and she was gutted, I did feel sorry for her but I said no as she isn't very experienced and my horse who although is 19, still thinks he's 5, is 17.1hh and a bouncy warmblood! If your not happy with something, then upfront and honest is the best way to be I'm affraid! Hope you get it sorted for both sakes!!
 
I think you need to be honest. You don't want to get the daughters hopes up if it is not going to happen.
Do you really want to share him or did it just seem like a good idea at the time?
 
If you feel strongly about it I would get in touch with them and say that on reflection, you don't think it's the right horse for her daughter. It's better to do it sooner than let her get more excited at the prospect of riding him again in a lesson. You don't say how young the daughter is but if she's just a kid she's probably told everyone she knows that she's getting your horse on loan! Tell her you'll keep an eye open for her for something more suitable.

They do sound lovely people but if in your heart of hearts you know they aren't the right one's then it's best to be honest now. Good luck whatever you decide.
 
is it really the daughters ability or are you having doubts about sharing? it's not always easy to share your horse with someone else, i've tried a few times and it failed because i didn't feel in control, now i have someone else and because she is keen to learn and the whole atmosphere is different it is working really well.
Either way, be honest with yourself and with them, they may be disappointed but will appreciate your honesty in the long term:)
 
I had concerns about weight as soon as they came but obviously said nothing (i feel so bad even typing it)

Chico was only backed last year and is still inconsistent on the contact and i am working hard with him.

The daughter is 13 but very tall, she has been riding for 3 years but not proper lessons by the sound of it so she doesnt know about contact, being on the bit etc

I really want to give her the benefit of the doubt so will speak to my instructor about it tomorrow before next weeks lesson.

Thanks for all the wise words :)

p.s. I am sort of looking for a sharer but not actively seeking one if you know what i mean. I have shared in the past with my old mare and even loaned her out so not too worried about sharing
 
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If the rider is too heavy/fat then you have every right to turn them down if you feel they are not right for your horse.

I do feel sorry for some horses when I see the sizes of some of the riders about to bounce around on their backs.

If you arent 100% certain is it fair to allow her to come and have a lesson, to then be told that she isnt what you are looking for? xx
 
If your not sure dont. I wish i had listened to my self when sharing our pony. The girl was a pain and her mother a theif and a liar, it cost me alot and not just in money! The horses are just for us now.
 
main problem is that i dont have their phone number so would have to go into their pet shop to speak to the mum in person.
The same pet shop who I am trying to forge links with for my work (and who today offered me a free animal worth £20)

Lovely lovely people just not suitable sadly
 
Paint Me Proud said:
main problem is that i dont have their phone number so would have to go into their pet shop to speak to the mum in person.
The same pet shop who I am trying to forge links with for my work (and who today offered me a free animal worth £20)

Lovely lovely people just not suitable sadly
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does the petshop have a telephone number - if so call it. If you dont want to tell her that the daughter is too heavy etc, then simply say you have decided to postpone the share a little while longer, and you will be in touch if she is still ready. The forge your links and move on.

It depends what you want to achieve really xx
 
i personally dont like shares and would never share mine at all.

i hope you work it out - its hard not offending people but getting your own way - good luck xx
 
Personally I would tell them that you have re considered sharing your horse for the time being before she comes again at that age if you ask to come again you will get her hopes up and it will be worse to tell her nu-uh..:rolleyes:

Best of luck whatever you chose! Go with your gut, if you aren't 100% with the people then it is not right, it isn't like sharing a car, the horse will be changed by them to the way they ride, if you've worked hard improving him etc it is silly to risk losing that by being guilt tripped into sharing ;) there are lots of people looking for shares...if you wait im sure the perfect person will come knocking on your door soon!

-Elena:D
 
I would go and see them and explain what yu have on here,about contact etc the horse only having been backed last year.Be truthful and say the daughter is just not experienced enough for such a green horse.Dont say anything about her weight. Appear really sad the girl and the horse arnt suitable for each other and that you have decided against wanting a sharer now anyway. No one should take offence at that.
 
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I would discuss the idea of a sharer with your instructor first, If you have a young horse recently backed it makes good sense to ensure that you have an experienced rider, and I strongly suspect that your instructor will agree with this view. You can then contact the people and say that having discussed the sharing idea with your instructor in some more detail you have come to realise that it is simply not fair of you to ask a 13 year old girl to take on the responsibility of riding a young inexperienced horse. You can add that you would love to see her find something more suitable and you will pass the word around your horsey friends, and let her know if anything comes up, you can say that you are sorry to disapoint them but you would simply never forgive yourself if there was an accident and she got hurt.
 
Sorry - just realised you didn't say the horse was "recently" backed - but it's still in it's early stages of training and makes sense to stick with experienced riders and I think this is a good "neutral" excuse.
 
I am the worst person in the world :(

Went to speak tot he lady today to explain i wasnt going to offer the share, explaining I had had a change of heart over sharing at all (which i have).

Lady goes n to explain that she has possibly fatal health conditions and had promised her daughter she would find her a share horse close enough to their home so if she has any health emergencies she wont be too far away :o

Although i stuck to me guns and i wont be sharing Chico, the guilt i am feeling right now is immense.
 
You've been honest with them so nothing to feel guilty about. At the end of the day, if anything bad were to happen you would be stuck with the cost / blame.

Personally, I would have considered allowing the daughter to have lessons with the instructor and then reassessed the situation.
 
Paint Me Proud said:
I am the worst person in the world :(

Went to speak tot he lady today to explain i wasnt going to offer the share, explaining I had had a change of heart over sharing at all (which i have).

Lady goes n to explain that she has possibly fatal health conditions and had promised her daughter she would find her a share horse close enough to their home so if she has any health emergencies she wont be too far away :o

Although i stuck to me guns and i wont be sharing Chico, the guilt i am feeling right now is immense.
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Tut Tut, I cant stand it when people try to play this trick - Its made to make you feel guilty and sorry for them.

Dont worry she will get over it and find a suitable sharer, but at least you spoke to her face to face. xx
 
Dancing Queen said:
If the rider is too heavy/fat then you have every right to turn them down if you feel they are not right for your horse.

I do feel sorry for some horses when I see the sizes of some of the riders about to bounce around on their backs.

If you arent 100% certain is it fair to allow her to come and have a lesson, to then be told that she isnt what you are looking for? xx
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Agree, the ability thing isn't such a big issue as you could insist that she has regular lessons with your instructor and a month's trial or something, but the weight isse IS a big deal. You do not want to end up forking out for vet bills due to a bad back.

It's a difficult thing to handle. I had to turn down someone who was too heavy for my 17.3hh shire cross! Unbelievable, I know, but it took ages to get her on, and then she was completely unbalanced and the look in my boy's eye was enough for me to tell her then and there that I was sorry but she was not balanced enough and too heavy for him. I must have been very tactful though as we stayed in touch for a few months whilst she searched for a suitable horse to buy as no one would let her share.
 
yes i agree that the inexperienced issue was neither here nor there and i would have been happy to share had that been the only problem.

My main concern was that the mum said the daughter wanted to bring on her jumping and wanted a jumping horse to share. I would not have been happy to let her jump Chico, it would have been a recipe for ruptured tendon.

Still doesnt stop me feeling sad for them as i know they are desperately looking for a share horse. Mum said they have been to view several but all have been naughy horses who just seem to be left stood in a field, and a couple have thrown the daughter off. Their eyes must have lit up when they arrived at my yard! :D
 
its shocking that she would try to manipulate you that way, with regards to her health. That would seal the deal as an absolute, hell no for me! How long before they tried to manipulate you into letting her jump and hack before the girl was ready. Sounds to me like they'd be the type to try and take over.

Good on you for sticking to your guns.
 
fidleyspromise said:
its shocking that she would try to manipulate you that way, with regards to her health. That would seal the deal as an absolute, hell no for me! How long before they tried to manipulate you into letting her jump and hack before the girl was ready. Sounds to me like they'd be the type to try and take over.

Good on you for sticking to your guns.
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Oh no she wasnt trying to emotionally blackmail me. She told me that after i said no and was just explaining why they were quite limited in their search area (we were discussing where to look locally for share adverts)

I have suggested them to a lady on the yard who may be looking for a sharer and has a more suitable horse for them.
 
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