Can't click with my horse ... HELP!

[HOWEN]

I have ended up with my partner’s ex-racehorse; she has been out of racing for over 5 years and been re-schooled. She a bit scatty by herself hacking and can be strong but nothing serious really. She moves lovely and looks the part but.. I just can’t bond with this mare.

I really just can’t click with her at all and I can’t put my finger on why. Maybe I have lost my confidence with her as she was an arse at the start of the year. But now It’s got to the point I really don’t want to ride or spend anytime with her, (don’t worry she is not neglected she is on fully livery and gets lots of attention off the stable girl) When I try to explain to my partner why I don’t want to spend any time with her or she is acting up, his reply is well she looks fine to me, I thought you are a horsewoman. I feel completely useless and incapable now as a rider, all the fun and enjoyment has been taking out of it. I rode her 15 mins last night and hated every minute. I have a lesson once a week and my instructor says she is a nice horse and I ride her well. But I just don’t feel it with her. I have ridden for 25 years had horses all my life. Never have I felt like this towards a horse. To be honest she is the complete opposite to what I would ever buy myself. I find her too big, and over horsed. Even tho I have 16.3hh before and had no problem with their size.

I put my other horse on loan last year to spend more time with her. He was my pride and joy. I miss, how simple and easy he was to deal with. But the people who have him on loan are lovely and they look after him very well. So it’s not an option to get him back really.

So has any one been in the same boat or have any suggesting?

 

[ThePony]

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time.

How long have you had her? It can take an awful long time to feel a bond, and esp with her being on full livery you get to do much less of the little day to day jobs which help with bonding.

If it isn't a really stupid suggestion, is there any reason this mare can't go out on loan and your boy comes back to you? I'm sure you would develop a bond with her in time, but things like her height aren't going to change!

If not, then to help with bonding can you arrange to do more of her day to day care yourself. Even decide not to ride for a couple of months and take the pressure off? Spend time leading her inhand and taking walks togethe, grazing inhand, grooming, some groundwork exercises (don't have to belong to any particular school of thought!). Basically just time with her, no pressure?

 

[soulfull]

oh hun I do feel for you

You seem to be stuck because you OH can't understand what the problem is. I am guessing that unless you can get him to understand then you really can't do much about it.

Just because the people who are loaning your horse are getting on well doesn't mean you cant or shouldn't have him back if that is what you want, he is your horse!!

Personally I would sell or loan the mare and have my own horse back, it is supposed to be fun and when it isn't we need to do something to make it so

 

[Elsbells]

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time.

How long have you had her? It can take an awful long time to feel a bond, and esp with her being on full livery you get to do much less of the little day to day jobs which help with bonding.

If it isn't a really stupid suggestion, is there any reason this mare can't go out on loan and your boy comes back to you? I'm sure you would develop a bond with her in time, but things like her height aren't going to change!

If not, then to help with bonding can you arrange to do more of her day to day care yourself. Even decide not to ride for a couple of months and take the pressure off? Spend time leading her inhand and taking walks togethe, grazing inhand, grooming, some groundwork exercises (don't have to belong to any particular school of thought!). Basically just time with her, no pressure?

This^^

With mares it is hard, but once you have them in your heart it's forever. Their love doesn't come easily but it's worth it.

Good luck with whatever you do decide as it's got to be right for you

 

[BigRed]

You either click with a horse, or you don't. I don't think it matter how long you try. I have a new horse that I bought in April, she is a bloody nuisance, she rears and she naps and I am working hard to sort out these problems, but I have to say that I love her dearly and we are good friends, even though she is far from straight forward.

Tell your OH you don't want this mare and give your loaners notice and get your old horse back. Life is too short to have a horse you don't like.

 

[hayinamanger]

You either click with a horse, or you don't. I don't think it matter how long you try. I have a new horse that I bought in April, she is a bloody nuisance, she rears and she naps and I am working hard to sort out these problems, but I have to say that I love her dearly and we are good friends, even though she is far from straight forward.

Tell your OH you don't want this mare and give your loaners notice and get your old horse back. Life is too short to have a horse you don't like.

^^^^

This.

 

[Lollii]

With mares it is hard, but once you have them in your heart it's forever. Their love doesn't come easily but it's worth it.

This is so true about mares, I recently bought one and didn't click with her, I even put her back up for sale but within the last few weeks she has really bonded with me and she is amazing, she is not for sale now,

If you can - take your time with her, maybe compete herl, if she does well you will fall for her

 

[Faithkat]

There are some horses that are simply not for you. I had a mare like that - never, ever bonded with her at all and she completely blanked me, I just "wasn't there". I only had her two years and in that time bred a foal from her and she went away to be schooled for 6 months. She went with never a backward glance and although she did produce a lovely foal for me, I've never missed her for a second.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

I'm afraid I would tell your OH, he can sort his own horse out, give the loaners notice and get your own horse back.
Would the loaners like to do a swap?

 

[Victoria25]

Oh no, you poor thing. Like someone else said maybe its because shes on full livery – could you not spend more time with her and doing the simple things?

When we first got our ex racer he took me by surprise as he just wasn’t a ‘loving’ type of horse, he wouldn’t even look up if you shouted his name, stood perfectly still in the stable never wanting to look at you/interact with you and snarl if you invaded his space… especially as my lifelong arab is such a ‘mummy look at me’ type of horse. Even my partner was asking ‘whats wrong with him – is he deaf?’ haha. He just hadn’t been ‘loved’ that’s all and even things like treats and petting - he’d shy away.

So I took my book up on a regular basis and just sat in the stable with him … I read, I sang … we walk and walk – chatting as we go (ok well it is rather one sided). Even after 3 months, he now comes trotting over when shouted, wickers when he sees me still a bit grumpy at times but he’s a bloke so hey ho … just go back to basics and do fun things with him …

If all that fails, I'd do as pearlsasinger says and tell him to sort her out!!!

 

[Firewell]

I agree give him back to your OH and get your horse back or get another one that suits you more.
I've had mares and they do take longer to bond with and are fabulous when you do however I liked them from the start!
Not every person you meet you expect to click with and be friends with it's the same with horses. Sometimes personalities just don't mesh well.

 

[Wagtail]

I never usually advocate selling or loaning, but in this case I do. As someone else suggested, can you not swap her with your other horse's loaners? You need your own horse back. I think that deep down you resent this mare for taking him away from you and this is blocking any bond you could have with her. She will be all too aware of it too. Find her a nice home where someone will love her. She sounds like a nice sort who deserves to be loved. I can understand your feelings completely. You miss your other horse and she is the reason you no longer have him. You cannot help your feelings even though it is not the mare's fault, and you will not change your feelings no matter how much time you give it.

Do yourself and the mare a favour and part company, but make sure she goes to a loving home. You need to get your old horse back. I know you feel mean to his loaners, but at the end of the day, if they want a horse for life then they need to buy one. Good luck!

 

[ThePony]

You either click with a horse, or you don't. I don't think it matter how long you try. I have a new horse that I bought in April, she is a bloody nuisance, she rears and she naps and I am working hard to sort out these problems, but I have to say that I love her dearly and we are good friends, even though she is far from straight forward.

Tell your OH you don't want this mare and give your loaners notice and get your old horse back. Life is too short to have a horse you don't like.

This (thank goodness!) hasn't been my experience. I have had my mare about 2 1/2 years now. For easily the first 1 - 1 1/2 years I could have sold her without a thought. She had no interest in people at all, you could poo pick in her field, give her a treat, praise her and give her a pat etc and she would take no notice of you at all. She was also a total pig to handle and it was mega hard work to even turn her out or pick her feet out.

Fast forward to owning her for two years and she is such a love! She really is my special girl and always wickers at me, comes to me (and follows me!) around the field, and is an absolute lamb to handle. Now we have clicked and have a better understanding (and respect) of each other our ridden work is also coming on in leaps and bounds. She is shaping up to be my horse of a lifetime.

Don't expect a bond, especially with a mare, to happen quickly at all. It can and will come in time. But (and it is a big but), if there isn't anything you enjoy about her either ridden or on the ground, then it may well be time to call it quits. I kept on with my mare because a) I am far too stubborn for my own good and b) she was wonderfully safe to ride and has helped my fragile confidence enormously.

 

[HOWEN]

Thank you for your comments; I have had her 2 years now. I have tried, ground work, & back to basics. But it’s as she is in a different zone. It’s as if she doesn’t like me at all (I know that sounds stupid) when I go into her stable to ‘bond ’with her she will spin around and put her back end towards me. When I have spoken with OH and he says he can’t see a problem and we won’t be selling her, or if I can’t deal with her just ride his horse and he will ride her. That’s fine, but I just want my own horse that actually likes me that I have a special bond with.
With regards to my horse I am a bit stuck as I really couldn’t break a Kids heart and take him off her. He is on the same yard so can see him whenever I like and honestly I couldn’t find a better loan home for him.

Saying that tho…. After reading your comments it has put it all in perspective (thank you) and I think it’s me not her. I really need a kick up my ass and get on with it. We have 3 horses (1 is on loan) and I have forgotten how lucky I actually am and take it for granted. I have everything at my finger tips and nothing stopping me and maybe I am just making excuses for myself and become lazy and stuck in a rut. Many people would chew there arm off to have just one horse. Thinking about it I think I just haven’t giving her enough time and I expect her just to be like my gelding – get on and go. A few have commented on having her on full livery and maybe this and what Wagtail said I resent her for putting my gelding on loan maybe the underlining problem.

So my action plan is to spend more time with her and take her off full livery as if I am honest with myself having her on full livery is pure laziness and just fits in with my life not hers.
Spend Quality time with her.
Stop being such a spoiled brat, and forgetting what I have.
I have just booked some more lessons this morning to iron out the little issues we have.
And ultimately remember why I love horses, and most people have issues at some point with their horse.

Wwooooha there think I have had a major reality check. Thank you all ...oh and wish me luck

 

[Victoria25]

Well if your OH cant see a problem, give her back to him if my OH said that to me, he'd get a quick reality check

 

[canteron]

OP, I love your attitude, its refreshing and inspiring!

If you are going to persevere, would it be an idea to do something completely different with her in a completely different environment?

I have done a couple of 4 day schooling holidays with my horse and its like moving into a different world - and I have met some fabulous people as well. It sounds like you need a few good experiences with the horse when you have really enjoyed her, to get through the less brilliant days we all have!!


(Just re-read this and it sounds a bit like marriage guidance!! But I think in a way owning a mare is a similar relationship??)

Good luck.

 

[pottamus]

I agree with some of the other posters...if it is not working it is not working and life is too short to spend the sort of time, effort and money horses require if you are not getting on and enjoying the experience.
I took ages to bond with my lad as he was awful to deal with in every way possible...tested my strength and patience in every way possible for many many months. Everyone was advising me to get rid and get something easy instead but I loved him to bits and could see that he was trusting me more each day. I put aside the problems and just worked on them because I knew he was not going anywhere other than to stay with me. It was his character, my stubborness and huge love for the little sod that got us through and we are now great pals and have lots of understandings between us.
But I had the 'feelings' for him from the start and they never went...where as you do not sound like you have that with your horse...so may be it is not right for you.?

 

[1973horse]

i know how you feel.i have had my mare just a year and at first we didn't gel,shes a grump doesn't like fuss but i love her to bits and she will be with me to the end, now on the other hand i have a youngster who loves fuss cuddles etc (suffers separation anxiety) BUT there's something missing i cant put my finger on.I would defo think about getting your other horse back at the end or the day 2 years is enough time to gel in my eyes, i hope you find a solution and good luck

 

[Pearlsasinger]

TBH I don't understand how your OH came to have this mare, or to give her to you to ride, or how you came to put your gelding on loan.
Before looking at your relationship with the mare, I wonder if you should look at your relationship with OH - he does sound to be very controlling.

 

[flintfootfilly]

Sounds like a good plan!

I hope you have lots of fun going in with an open mind and trying to find out who she is and who you are, and how you can support each other in the process.

I probably won't be popular for saying this, but I'd ditch the instructor and find one who can understand how you feel, and who can help you to become independent in finding a way to be the person that this horse needs you to be. It's all very well an instructor saying you ride a horse well, but if you feel as down about the mare as you seem to, then I think you could find a more relevant instructor.

Good luck, however you decide to approach things.

Oh, I've had a couple of mares who used to turn their bum on me when I went into the stable. Both had physical issues, undiagnosed at the time, and it was one of the few relatively polite ways they could tell me that they didn't relish being ridden. So it'd be worth thinking whether she only does it with someone who's coming to ride her, or whether she does it with non-riders too. Might give you an insight into why she does it.

Sarah

 

[Tammytoo]

Well, good for you for willing to give her another go. As others have said you're maybe "blaming" her for not being as nice and easy as your gelding was. How about giving her an MOT before you start? Teeth, back, saddle etc thoroughly checked by recommended professionals.

Try DIY or weekend DIY livery for a while and get to know her properly. She may not regard you as her person if someone else is feeding her and mucking out. If the only reason you interact with her is when you are riding her you can see why perhaps you are not her No. 1 favourite! You = work!

Having said that though, it's meant to be fun and if you really can't bond with her then I do think you should claim your gelding back. Perhaps mention to the loaners that you aren't getting on with your mare so they can be prepared for you maybe wanting to take him back.

Good luck whatever you decide.

 

[HOWEN]

TBH I don't understand how your OH came to have this mare, or to give her to you to ride, or how you came to put your gelding on loan.
Before looking at your relationship with the mare, I wonder if you should look at your relationship with OH - he does sound to be very controlling.

She was one of his business company’s race horses; she came out of racing and turned away for a couple of years. Then re-schooled, we then decided to bring her home for myself to ride. I found I didn’t have time to exercise both, so last winter I put my horse on loan to a mother and daughter to help me out. (This is working out very well even though I do miss him, like I said they look after him very well and I couldn’t wish for anyone as nice as them) He doesn’t want to sell her, if so he would of when she came out of racing and it was my decision to have her. The issue here is not the relationship with my partner, but with the mare! I could get another horse or get my gelding back but I am trying to work it out with her even if she may not be my ideal horse to start with.

I have booked a couple of lessons for later on in the week with another instructor who has ridden her before. From what a few of you have said it’s definitely not an over night thing to get a bond with a mare, so I feel a less disheartened. Was thinking of joining a riding club, not to compete just for schooling days? I definitely need to have some good experiences with her. I have also spoken with the loanees of my horse and they are more than happy for me to ride him to get my confidence back.

Tammytoo yes she has had a full MOT and everything is full working order, she is a picture of health. I have also spoken to the stable yard and have put her on part livery. Fingers crossed I will reporting back soon with some positive things!

 

[Elsbells]

Well done Howen and I wish you the best of luck!!