Can't get over my old horse :(.

Firewell

Firewell

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I'm on holiday in Spain at the moment and I'm meant to be happy but I'm not :( :( :( :(

My late mare passed away on the 3rd of November 09 at 3.30 pm, nearly two years ago and all I can think about is her.

It doesn't help that the September before she died she was poorly and at this exact time in 09 I was also in Spain at this exact place (family holiday home).

It's almost as if I'm waiting for it to happen again as the circumstances are the same but it won't as it's already happened of course.

I keep dreaming of her. In my dreams she's in a field and she's right there but I can't touch her or ride her and it's torture.

I was awake at 2am last night almost choking into my pillow with grief, my OH kept asking what was wrong but I knew he would think me silly if I told him I missed my dead horse who died two years ago so I told him I felt sick.

I keep feeling panicky and keep having anxiety attacks where I have to jump up and leave the room and I feel I can't breath and that I will faint and I'm sure it's connected.

It doesn't help that my mums darling horse who we loved passed away in August this year of the same thing
(colic), we had loads of tests done and a post mortem to see if we are doing anything wrong but he was as healthy as a horse could be.

I can't bear the thought that same thing could happen to my horse now, any day, any time. Or that anyone, my friends or family or me could go any day, any time.

It's literally freaking me out but most of all I miss my beautiful Vayamos, I miss her so so so much.

Bit morbid!! Sorry had to get it out my head as I don't want to not enjoy my holiday.

Other people don't understand as after all it's just a horse it's not a human but she was still my best friend :(.
 
I can still cry my eyes out at the drop of a hat about my old horse who died more than 10 years ago.

I still have dreams where he comes to me, I believe he is telling me is alright now and nothing hurts.

Having another horse helped a huge amount - gave me something to focus on and spoil rotten
 
Losing a horse is a very traumatic thing. I feel the loss of my horses (over the years) more than the loss of my dogs. i don't know why this is. I love my dogs, I really do. But somehow the horses become my life.
 
Oh dear :(

I think most of us go through a stage of fearing our own mortality though, I go through phases of feeling like I could cry if I think about me and the OH and what if one of us got ill etc. :o

I would take this time on holiday though to reflect on the good times you had with her, and be thankful that you are holiday with your OH (and family too?). Can you do something totally different on this holiday to mkae some new good memories for yourself? Plus you are on holiday and not in old rainy stinky england :)

I'm not a huggy person, but hope you can find a way to make things better, maybe tell your OH, he might be able to help you :)
 
Awwwwwwwwwwwwww firewell bless you. Sending big hugs ((((( ))))) I lost my boy He is my profile piccy 3 years ago. I had owned him for 13 years just the other day I was just sobbing and sobbing over him. I miss him so much it aches, but it gets a little easier each year.

Keep your chin up! Pour yourself and red wine with coke and ice!! My fave holidays drink xx
 
Bless your heart, you are certainly not alone in how you feel our horses are a massive part of our lives, I still cry, think about and talk about my old lad every single day my heart still aches so much for him just to have one last cuddle and kiss, but I know he is looking down on me whilst running like mad in the great meadow above.

Although I have the most wonderful boy now (who I hope to buy after my loan period) I found myself the other day out of the blue call him by my old boy's name just like that!! I then burst into tears (I was too having a terrible day from work).

Cry when you feel like it it is only natural to miss our animals not a day will pass that you won't think of her but she is up there with the rest of the great horses, dogs cats etc having a whale of a time with each other :) :) :)
 
I lost benson 18 months ago, and miss him every day. its only natural. The one thing I will say got me to a much better place is talking to a councellor. Its allowed me to acknowledge all of my feelings about benson and the accident we had. I would really reccommend it. Tell your OH how you feel and dont bottle all of those feelings up. Be kind to yourself and your feelings.


Dont cry because she is gone......but smile because she was here.
 
Just to say - I know exactly how you feel. My boy went 4 years ago this coming Dec & the last time I rode him was the summer before. We went jumping & he was amazing. Then the dreaded Lami struck & he couldnt be saved. I bred him & he was with me 24 years - nothing has ever compared & I have never had another since.
 
Another one who knows how you feel. I lost Catembi (in avatar) on 26 Feb 2007 following a 6 month illness, & I can still only talk about him if I'm feeling buoyant. Sometimes I haven't got upset over him for ages, & all of a sudden something sets me off.

I try so hard to rem the happy times as it seems kind of wrong to cry every time I think of him, almost like a Pavlov's Dogs thing. I don't want Catembi = sad, if you see what I mean.

Someone on here once said that you don't get over it...you only get through it, and I think that's right.

Miss you, Cat. Love you always xxx
 
Oh dear, that's not good to be like that especially at a time when you're supposed to be enjoying yourself and relaxing.

However, from what you are saying I suspect that maybe this is not purely down to the loss of your horse(s) but that they may well be the trigger and what you are focussing on. I think everyone at some time feels like this when you feel upset for no specific reason but then will find yourself a reason (ie a lost horse/person etc etc). I know I have done it but to maybe a milder degree and I will go to bed at night sort of panicking about what if this happened, what if that happened, I couldn't cope etc etc. However, I normally get over this and I actually know that the trigger is often when I have had a few too many drinks the night before or even sometimes 2 nighst before so i sort of put it down to a general kind of come down/mild depressive state.

If you are feeling like this without saying have had alcohol or any sort of stimulant then in all honesty i would seriusly consider taking a trip to the doctor or booking an appointment with a counsellor as it may be you are suffering a bit of a chemical imbalance - ie depression of sorts. It's nothing to be ashamed of but someone maybe could help.
 
Thanks so much everyone.

Being on holiday I have overindulged somewhat food and Alcohol so that probably doesn't help, it's also coming up to that time of the month :o so I don't think that all helps!!

I spoke to my OH about my horse and how I was feeling over lunch as he knew something was up. It sounded a bit silly saying it but he was really nice!

He said that I have to learn how to cope with sad things otherwise when something truly awful happens then I really will fall apart! I admitted that was part of my fear also. He said that everyone feels anxious at times and that's why things like philosophy, religion, meditation ect has been used for 1000's of years by people to cope. He said I have to find my way to make myself happy and comfortable despite sad/worrying things. He then asked me to say 20 things that I was happy for. I feel MUCH better now.

I think it was all getting on top of me remembering back what happened ect but I feel much more pragmatic about it now. A problem shared an all that!!

Thanks
 
What a lovely OH! Some would have thought you were being silly, but he took you seriously and seems to have really helped. Well done him (and you for talking about it).

Edited to return you to your possibly unmarried status! (But perhaps you could marry him? He seems nice!)
 
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BigRed said:
Losing a horse is a very traumatic thing. I feel the loss of my horses (over the years) more than the loss of my dogs. i don't know why this is. I love my dogs, I really do. But somehow the horses become my life.
Click to expand...

I agree with this post totally and the only way that I can explain our feelings and bonds with our horses is that it is a unique relationship which requires 100% trust from horse and rider and if you do not have that your horse would not allow you to hack him out, take him to the show ring, load him in the narrow trailer etc. He would not look after you when faced with things he does not like and he would not trust you to dig him out of situations when he is scared.

The bond between horse and rider is unique and is never replicated else where in life, they are special and should be cherished and we should treat every ride and every moment we spend with them as if it might be our last because you never know when they may be snatched away from you.
 
It's natural. My first horse was put down just over 3 years ago now (and actually technically I didn't own him), and I only had him for a year but we clicked instantly and I still miss him and can still burst into tears if I think about it (as I am trying in vain not to do now!)

So I try, as Catembi said, to only think of him when I'm happy. In fact, my biggest regret is of not taking enough photos of him..random I know, but it sometimes upsets me that I don't remember every little detail or whatnot.

It's not silly, and don't feel like you're being silly for missing her and being upset.
 
Massive (((((((hugs))))))))) As others have said you are not alone in the way you feel. I still cry every single day when I think about Lucy. I lost her in July2010 after a long battle with illness. I lost her while I was away on holiday and the feeling of guilt that I abandond her when she needed me most still haunts me dreadfully. :( I struggle to look at photos of her without crying and I to often dream about her. Dreaming of her is wonderful, the hard part is waking up and remembering she's not here anymore.

But all that said I know I HAVE to carry on. I have two new ponies to look after and a whole host of other animals. If I ever feel I can't go on I think about all that Lucy went through in her life. Especialy those last 8 months while she was ill. She never gave up. Even on her last day my vet said she was as cheeky as ever. So when I get down about missing Lucy I give myself a kick up the backside as me moping around is the last thing Lucy would want.

As they say better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all.

Try to focas on the happy memorys of your horse thats how they would want to be remembered. xx
 
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