Childless - acceptance?

[cheekywelshie]

Bit of a non horse topic, although I’ve had my boy ( Welshie) 17 years, he’s 24 now. He is my rock but worried I’ll just be lost without him. Tried for kids didn’t happen, now too old. Just wondering for those who wanted them but it didn’t happen how you moved to a path of acceptance - some days I feel fine others not so - looking into adoption but not hundred percent sure …. 2 people at work are going off on mat leave in Jan, I don’t want the inevitable pics flying round Teams so considering setting up a folder for those who want to see them! (Also to protect those I know having fertility issues in the team)

 

[cariadbach10]

I think there are lots of ways to be involved in the lives of children without being a biological mother. So, so many young people in foster care with not enough foster homes out there. It’s honestly heartbreaking- perhaps consider fostering before adoption?

 

[Irish-Only]

I acquired a step son who I love dearly (he’s in his forties now), but for a long time it was tough not having my own. You just have to get on with life, and there are so many ways to be involved with children and bring them joy and fun and that feeling is wonderful. Why not see if there is a local young family who would like to ‘help’ you look after your old pony? An enormous amount of satisfaction to be had there.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

I think there are lots of ways to be involved in the lives of children without being a biological mother. So, so many young people in foster care with not enough foster homes out there. It’s honestly heartbreaking- perhaps consider fostering before adoption?

There is also a lot more support available for foster carers than for adoptive parents, even though the children often exhibit similar behaviours for similar reasons.

 

[sport horse]

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and think what you DO have. Feel happy for those who are lucky enough to have babies and share their happiness - they may even let you borrow ther children and the great news is you can give them back! Many parents would wish to do that! One of our best friends also had fertility problems and when they got pregnamt they tried to avoid telling me to avoid upset. That really hurt that they thought I was that shallow. I have been a part of their family - weddings, births, children riding etc etc. Yes it is very sad to be alone - my husband has died now, but I am surrunded by family and friends of all generations and that is how it has to be. Noone gets everything in life.

 

[Amymay Again]

I couldn't have children. I simply accepted it as one of those things. My life is rich and full.

 

[Sanversera]

Its easy to think about babies and children with rose coloured glasses. I have children now adults and although I love them and the grandkids I wouldn't have given up the horses to have them. Now in older age am even considering moving around 200 miles away to where friends live with great hacking. You certainly don't need kids to be fulfilled.

 

[MuddyMonster]

It can be really difficult.

I think I'm in a similiar situation to you
in that some days I don't notice it and other times, you do feel grief for a life and lifestyle you won't have.

I didn't notice it too deeply in my late twenties but middle 30's it can hit differently (for me). Especially as there is a growing gap between some (not all) of my friends who are mother's and friend's who are not.

I'm do admit to finding people's pregnancy's and new born babies more difficult to be involved in but will help out, go on days out with friends with slightly older children. I don't think it makes me shallow, just a real person with real feelings.

I plan on keep having horse's and dog's to fill some of that gap and you just have to try to be oragmatic - there are definitely some pro's, I sleep better than most of friend's with children and do more of other things.

 

[canteron]

I think Christmas is particularly difficult to be childless - the emphasis is so much on families it really emphasises what you don’t have.
But I guess just make sure you have a full life with other things -and be accepting that everyone has regrets, which will from time to time get to you.

 

[Waxwing]

Hi having been in the same position we did adopt, a child under one who is now a teenager. While we love her it has not always been straightforward to say the least! She is a complicated soul and has a lot of additional needs due to some of her birth mother's prenatal choices and is very different to DH and I (we fully appreciate a birth child might also have been very different to us.).We did consider adopting again when she was younger and I am glad we didn't as looking after a younger child while giving her what she needed would have been very difficult. I had a lot of issues with my mental health last year due to the impact of caring for her; I am an adult she feels safe with so when she is angry she feels able to let me know about it! Family life is a lot easier now she has finished school and is doing something she enjoys but getting her the support she needs remains a challenge. I am not saying do not consider adoption but fully consider the challenges you may face if you do.

 

[LadyGascoyne]

I would be unlikely to be able to have children without serious medical effort. I feel like that’s ‘the universe’ telling me that it’s just not meant to be so have never pushed for it.

I have the fullest life I could possibly imagine and if I were to magically fall pregnant then I would have to sacrifice a lot in order to have the space and time for children. We’d do it, but it isn’t like there is a gap in my life because we don’t.

For me, my work is so fulfilling. It takes so much of my time and emotional capacity but I feel like I am genuinely helping people, and making the world a better place. That carries enormous meaning for me, and that makes my life feel fulfilled.

 

[Waxwing]

I would also say that DH and I are very lucky as we have supportive parents who have always been happy to have DD stay for a few days, and she has always been happy to do this, so we have been able to maintain some balance in our lives and pursue our own interests and have time together. My two nieces have ASD and don't like being cared for by anyone other than my brother and sister in law, so their lives are much more restricted than ours. I don't regret adopting and my brother and sister law are fantastic parents to my nieces, but being a parent has been the most challenging thing I have ever done.

 

[maya2008]

I’ve had friends who were adopted as babies and seen children through work who were adopted a little older. The first is kind of a Russian roulette. You hope that having a consistent parent from the beginning on and all the love will make up for the prenatal experience - but you have no idea if it will, or the genetics they carry. The second - I’ve never seen children so grateful to have a parent, but then life so far kicks in and it‘s not an easy road. The ones I knew all made it out the other side, but you have to go into it with a heavy dose of realism and enough money to pay for the therapy etc both you and they will need. The NHS tries, but they only have so much money.

On the flip side, having one’s own children naturally does not at all guarantee an easy ride. Plenty of kids struggle, plenty of parents struggle too, and that’s just how life goes. You combine your genetics with someone else’s and hope…sometimes the result creates a child who will struggle hugely with life, even though they were born to the parents they live with.

I would have adopted if I couldn’t have had my own children. My godfather chose surrogacy, that can be an option also. Whatever works for you is the right thing.

 

[Waxwing]

I would agree about the heavy dose or realism and potential need to pay for additional services and support if you adopt (we have). I still would adopt again; I have experience on both a personal level and on a professional level but there are some things I would have done differently. I accept however most parents would say that!. The difference with adoption is that you have no control over the child's prenatal or early life experiences and potentially no understanding of their genetic inheritance. It is likely my DD's birth mother drank while she was pregnant and I suspect her birth father had undiagnosed ADHD. in my own family there is a genetic predisposition for ASD.

 

[Red-1]

I am childless, by choice, but then choice is brought by life experiences making me not want them. I have fancied short term respite fostering, but after Mr Red died in 2023, I feel that I'm still not strong enough for that level of commitment.

However, I have taken up being an Independent Visitor for the local authority, or 'buddy' as they call them. Once a month, I take my buddy out for a trip. First trip was an arcade, next one is ice skating. Expenses are paid. It has been fun so far (apart from the application form and interview) and I am looking forward to football, the wildlife park and cycling, all of which he has planned for upcoming months.

 

[alibali]

My goodness I suspect you have much to offer children and goodness knows there will be many children out there both with and without loving parents who could benefit from your resource. It doesn't need to be as final and committed as adopting, there's fostering, mentoring, being a scout/brownie leader, helping at youth clubs or just taking a poor but pony mad kid under your wing and giving them experiences they could only dream of. Plus you can keep your freedom to please yourself and have all the extra time you want to play ponies (or anything else that floats your boat)

 

[Jenko109]

We tried for a baby for a while and nothing happened. My Gynaecologist tried to push for us to seek fertility investigations and treatment, but I'm of the belief that if it was meant to be, then it would have happened.

As time went on, we eventually concluded that life would be easier without children anyway, so we stopped trying and I went back on birth control.

I'm quite an anxious person. If the smallest thing happens, it plays on my mind. I'll teeth grind and feel generally on edge. I'm pretty much in control of it and it doesnt affect my day to day life, but if one of my dogs gets poorly or something isnt quite right with my health, then I will spiral. I have accepted that a baby would not be good for me. I cannot even comprehend the anxiety of constantly worrying about a child. I imagine it would be relentless.

Not having a child means I get plenty of sleep, I can have bed days, take holidays. I dont have to socialise with school mums or go to soft play or any of the other hellish bollox. I can just enjoy my life.

I have friends with children who are always so broke, so stressed.

Even one of my friends who is particularly well off, admits she regrets having children. Her life is not her own anymore. She has no peace.

There is so much more to life. Enjoy being you. Life without a child can be just as beautiful, arguably more so.

 

[Velcrobum]

Never wanted children and neither did OH which worked for us especially as during the time period when pregnancy might have happened we were only seeing each other at weekends if neither of us was not on-call (living in different areas of the country). Have never ever regretted our choice however MiL told both of us we were selfish for depriving her of grandchildren!!

 

[Jambarissa]

I never liked kids then hit 30 and thought why not. 3 years later after fertility investigation was told it'd be a miracle. Bought a couple of challenging youngsters then of course fell pregnant.

On the child front it has been HARD, of course I love him but if I'd seen the mental and physical impact on myself and my husband I would not have done it.

Kept the horses but didn't ride for 12 years, so those 2 became pasture ornaments. I've still got one plus two sensible riding horses for myself and the husband but finding any time to ride with a special needs child is hard. And my worry for my sons future is off the scale.

Wasn't intending to make it all about me, just giving the perspective of someone with a child, I think a lot of parents aren't honest.

I'm very sorry you weren't able to have the children you wanted and it must hurt. If you want to be involved with a chikds life there are many ways and I'm sure your energy and time would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Cherisheddust]

I didn't want children, until I did! Then we couldn't and I didn't want to go down the different avenues, because I'm on the other side of the Adoption/Foster story.
Fostered as a baby, then adopted by my Foster family years later (never left their home). There were foster babies at home constantly, with perspective new parents visiting and being interviewed in the 'front room' by Social Workers or Nuns. Frequently babies were sleeping in a carry cot at the bottom of my bed. The stream of babies and toddlers was relentless. My childhood was chaotic and very unsettled due to the position I was placed in. Being told you are the 'chosen one' and very 'lucky' doesn't ring true even as a young child. Not sure they tell adoptive parents to say things like that now.
Do I wish things had turned out differently? Sometimes. Have I come to terms with not having children? Mostly. Your childhood shapes you, no doubt. But I do also feel that you are the person you were always meant to be, on a path if you will. Childhood knocks some corners off, adds a few cracks and damage. But it should never be an excuse to not be the best person you can be. Would children have made my life more full, not so sure. Life really is what you make it. Plus a good dollop of luck and avoidance.

 

[cheekywelshie]

Thanks for sharing your stories in particular interesting to hear from those who had adopted, I found that useful. I think I’d be in a very different place if I had not had multiple miscarriages - in effect it is a form of disenfranchised grief and I am hoping to raise awareness of this - for those who haven’t ended up with their rainbow baby as the stories we tend to hear are the happy endings.

I’ll leave it there but all the best for 2025 x

 

[spider]

I’m

It can be really difficult.

I think I'm in a similiar situation to you
in that some days I don't notice it and other times, you do feel grief for a life and lifestyle you won't have.

I didn't notice it too deeply in my late twenties but middle 30's it can hit differently (for me). Especially as there is a growing gap between some (not all) of my friends who are mother's and friend's who are not.

I'm do admit to finding people's pregnancy's and new born babies more difficult to be involved in but will help out, go on days out with friends with slightly older children. I don't think it makes me shallow, just a real person with real feelings.

I plan on keep having horse's and dog's to fill some of that gap and you just have to try to be oragmatic - there are definitely some pro's, I sleep better than most of friend's with children and do more of other things.

 

[cheekywelshie]

I am childless, by choice, but then choice is brought by life experiences making me not want them. I have fancied short term respite fostering, but after Mr Red died in 2023, I feel that I'm still not strong enough for that level of commitment.

However, I have taken up being an Independent Visitor for the local authority, or 'buddy' as they call them. Once a month, I take my buddy out for a trip. First trip was an arcade, next one is ice skating. Expenses are paid. It has been fun so far (apart from the application form and interview) and I am looking forward to football, the wildlife park and cycling, all of which he has planned for upcoming months.

Sounds interesting, I’ll look into that thanks x

 

[Birker2020]

My birth Mum was 19, my birth dad 21. He offered to marry her but she felt she was too young to settle down so I was put up for adoption at 6 weeks.

I had a fantastic childhood with my adoptive parents, being an only child meant was even more cherished. Never felt the need to find them. Don't know if I have half or full siblings.

I respect my birth mum for putting me up for adoption and I am thankful I had such great adoptive parents who've I've always loved and cherished.

 

[Borderreiver]

Sadly life doesn’t always turn out as we expect it to. I have three children but am now at grandma age which is not at all what I expected. I have two lovely grandchildren from my son who lives quite far away so we don’t see so much of them. Then my daughter wanted family and could not have them. At the same time as her fertility probs my other childless daughter was dying of cancer. So I think we must enjoy life as it is and try not to be too sad about what might have been? Sometimes easier said than done.

 

[wills_91]

I am so sorry for your losses. Baby loss certainly does change your life & I cannot imagine the grief it has brought to you not having the "rainbow" ending.

Would you consider counselling (if you've not already?) a lot of comments on here from childless people are those who are through choice which is entirely different to the situation you've found yourself in, I imagine in this day and age there must be some sort of support groups as well for those who find themselves in be same path as you?

Sending you love & peace