Constructive Criticism on Ad please.

[KatB]

What do people think?

" STUNNING SAFE ALLROUNDER/ DRESSAGE HORSE

16.1hh 7yr old ISH gelding, absolutely stunning and never fails to get commented on. He has 3 very smart paces, regularly gaining high dressage marks in eventing and pure dressage, most recently gaining 71% from a listed judge. Scores 8's for his paces, and does a very accurate obedient test.
This lovely horse has won and been placed at RC and PC ODE's with 70% dressage scores, and has also had wins and placings in Trailblazers Showjumping and pure Dressage, gaining 8's for his medium trot work in his first Novice test. He has also competed upto PN eventing, coming 10th in his first PN in 2008.

He is 100% to box, clip, shoe and hack out in any traffic, and is as easy to ride after 1 day off or 4 weeks off! He really is a fantastically easy horse to own.
He has been produced and owned by a young amateur rider for the last 4 years, and is only for sale as he would suit a home where he would be a truly fun, safe, quality allrounder, as he isn't enjoying the pressures of doing purely affiliated eventing as much as his current owner does.

He would definitly climb the ladder in pure dressage as he has a serious amount of presence and is very rideable.
5* home only for this much loved and special horse."

and these pics...

http://s22.photobucket.com/albums/b337/KBonham/?action=view&current=KTonGodfrey12042009078-1.jpg
http://s22.photobucket.com/albums/b337/KBonham/?action=view&current=KTPre-novice260508011.jpg
http://s22.photobucket.com/albums/b337/KBonham/?action=view&current=DSC_0393.jpg

Thoughts please?

 

[AmyMay]

All I can say is what a heartbreaking sale - he is just smashing. I hope he's got a hefty price tag attached to him.


I'm always wary of anything that screams 'stunning' - but maybe that's just me.

 

[Ezme]

Sounds good to me. Would just like to add about box/shoe/clip and maybe a confo shot, stood up on a hard surface.

 

[KatB]

Amymay, thanks, I am certainly not giving him away! He will only go to a fantastic home... I am not desperate for him to go!

Ezme, I have put re. shoeing and clipping?

 

[AmyMay]

[ QUOTE ]
I am not desperate for him to go!

[/ QUOTE ]

Tell me about it.....

 

[251libby]

Good ad, how much are you asking because I am seriously looking for a fun horse to do a bit of (low level) everything with and he looks to tick all of my boxes

 

[Bay_Beasty]

Sounds great! are you aiming him for a PC/RC home, coz I rekon you will get a lot of mum's calling for their children to do PC on him. I would just state whether you think he would be up for that kind of stuff or not, I know you say he is not up to pure eventing but what so you mean by this. is the XC that is putting him off, or is he happy doing Pre Novice, and just won't go Novice?

 

[KatB]

He would be fine doing PC, thats the sort of home I want for him!
Re. the eventing, its not the courses themselves, its the intensity of the work that I need to do with him for my eye and to go up the levels he finds hard. If you put him under pressure when he is doing flatwork he will just rise to it and work harder, but if you put him under pressure with the jumping, he freezes up a bit. He will do all the big stuff XC schooling, is fantastic over grids etc upto about 1.10m as he is very clever and quick thinking, but doesnt like being pushed out of his comfort zone with his jumping with courses etc. Intro height stuff he is in his element with

 

[Cyberchick]

Lovely horse and I like the ad but I dont really 'do' the ads that say 'stunning' but that is a personel opinion.
I think if you are pushing the dressage then you need a better flatwork picture.

 

[Bay_Beasty]

Well sounds to me like you have a cracking horse then. I hope you find him a great home, and he is so good looking too.

 

[KatB]

Agree re. flatwork pic, am a bit short of them as my Dad doesnt really "do" watching dressage and he is my photographer!! Will try and get a better one though

 

[kit279]

I'd be up front in the ad that you want to do higher level eventing and that he is more comfortable at PN level. If you say he doesn't enjoy the pressure of BE, it makes him sound like he blows up (which he doesn't). Would also try and get a better flatwork photo as it doesn't necessarily show his paces off. If he's hunted, say that too. If he's a good horse for a PC kid coming off ponies, then mention it.

 

[Hullabaloo]

Lovely horse!
You've given a good idea of his dressage capabilities which would make me think you want to sell him more as a dressage horse. To appeal as an all-rounder I think it would be helpful to include a bit more detail about what he would be happy doing sj and xc as well.

 

[Bowen4Horses]

[ QUOTE ]
I'd be up front in the ad that you want to do higher level eventing and that he is more comfortable at PN level. If you say he doesn't enjoy the pressure of BE, it makes him sound like he blows up (which he doesn't). Would also try and get a better flatwork photo as it doesn't necessarily show his paces off. If he's hunted, say that too. If he's a good horse for a PC kid coming off ponies, then mention it.

[/ QUOTE ]

i agree with this comment, the ad is ace, he looks amazing, but as a buyer, i'd wonder how he showed his unhappiness at pure eventing... it does imply maybe he plants you on your head, or cries in the corner...?

 

[WeeBrown]

Looks like a good ad but might read better bullet pointed with his successes. Pics are nice, especially the first shot It's a shame he isn't 15.2hh as he sounds like what I'm after - I just want to do low level stuff and hacking. I have a 16hh mare but my confidence outside the school has dropped since she took off with me out hacking over a year ago and I struggled to stop her....I'm wanting something super safe now.

 

[Horsemad12]

I think some of the SJ pics in your sig are better than the one you are going to use. He looks careful on those and I would look for that.

 

[3BayGeldings]

Is the horse on the beach in your signature the same horse as for sale? If so, I think that would be great picture to include in the ad - shows off his allrounderness!

He sounds amazing!

 

[LauraBR]

Godfrey for sale!

He is exactly the type I will be looking for when I am done having babies... what a shame he couldn't have come up a few years later

I have really enjoyed following your progress with him since he was a baby, feel sad that you are parting company! I have no doubt that you will easily find a wonderful home for him, he is absolutely super and he's a real credit to you Kat.

 

[KatB]

Thanks Lzt, thats made me feel very sad. He is a fantastic boy and deserves an amazing home.

 

[Coffee_Bean]

Personally, i would change the SJ pic for the 1st or 3rd in your sig... but other than that great

Hope you find a great home for him

If you do decide to give him away, do let me know

 

[cronkmooar]

Have sent you a PM

 

[mickey]

Oh my goodness - I would die for a horse like this to add to my other coloured, I am only into dressage and showing really.
I would definitely include stunning as he most definitely is - You might want to say reg with CHAPS etc if he is.
I noticed there was nothing about easy to load.
I would love him!!!

 

[diggerbez]

what a shame Kat...he's an adorable looking horse... i think advert looks quite good but to me it screams "this horse naps when you put pressure on over bigger fences". i know this isn't the case but i sold grey in my siggy for similar reasons to you and it would make me very wary- i also think its a bit wordy but DOES show that you love him and will be a sad sale! so its a toss up i guess as to what people's reactions would be. i like the first 2 pics but don't like the flat one at all- would rather see a good confo shot of him- esp as he is coloured so will show how pretty he is...

What i would maybe question (with buyers head on) about your ad i've added in as appropriate....


" STUNNING SAFE ALLROUNDER/ DRESSAGE HORSE

16.1hh 7yr old ISH gelding, absolutely stunning and never fails to get commented on. He has 3 very smart paces, regularly gaining high dressage marks in eventing and pure dressage, most recently gaining 71% from a listed judge. Scores 8's for his paces, and does a very accurate obedient test.
- i'm wondering now if he is flashy and WOW or just correct and accurate? obviously there is a difference and makes a huge difference price wise

This lovely horse has won and been placed at RC and PC ODE's with 70% dressage scores, and has also had wins and placings in Trailblazers Showjumping and pure Dressage, gaining 8's for his medium trot work in his first Novice test. He has also competed upto PN eventing, coming 10th in his first PN in 2008.
- i'd put this as a bullet pointed list- like they do on horsequest

He is 100% to box, clip, shoe and hack out in any traffic, and is as easy to ride after 1 day off or 4 weeks off! He really is a fantastically easy horse to own.
He has been produced and owned by a young amateur rider for the last 4 years, and is only for sale as he would suit a home where he would be a truly fun, safe, quality allrounder, as he isn't enjoying the pressures of doing purely affiliated eventing as much as his current owner does.
- personally (and i know someone above would disagree) i would leave this out for above mentioned reasons! i'd put something like "is only for sale as rider looking to move up the levels eventing. Goddy would suit a competitive RC or PC home"

He would definitly climb the ladder in pure dressage as he has a serious amount of presence and is very rideable.
5* home only for this much loved and special horse."

 

[KatB]

Thanks.... I have emailed to request them to change the wording slightly... I have had 4 enquiries already and he has only been advertised fo about 1.5hrs!!

The reason why I put re. the eventing is because I dont want him going to an eventing home.... so difficult being honest without people being suspicious!!!

 

[diggerbez]

i know...i had exactly the same thing with mine!! i think i just explained it when people actually rang as sounded better over the phone than in the ad...i do hope you sell him soon- its horrid when it gets dragged out...