Crit my add please.....

moneypit1

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Ok, this is NOT a valid ad so i am taking out pics and contact details. This is a genuine request for feedback. what do you think?

Beautiful 16hh ISH Chestnut Mare. 15 yrs. Sire: Embla Statesman (RID), Dam: Foretop (TB). Delphi is an extremely well bred mare who has bred two beautiful Foals in the last 5 years due to owners ill health. Since coming back into work a year ago in her loan home she has proved herself a willing and enjoyable partner taking everything in her stride. She has attended fun rides, show jumped up to 3ft competently, being in the top three consistently. She also came 4th in her first ODE last month. She never says No and is an uncomplicated, forward going ride but can be strong at times so not ideally suited to a novice rider.

Delphi is excellent in traffic, to load and travel and equally as good for the farrier. She is fully vaccinated, wormed to date, micro chipped, passported etc. She has no vices and is a very genuine, loving friend who is very low mileage.

Sadly due to unforseen circumstances Delphi is now looking for a new home. She would suit a teenager coming off ponies and wanting a good all round competition horse or a home where she would be used as she has so much to offer. Her movement is straight and correct and she will suit a pure dressage home equally as well as a show jumping or eventing one. Heaps of photo's on request, good trial facilities, open to vetting. No dealers please. £2500 or ono (good home more important than price).
 
I like it but I think if you are aiming to sell her as a ridden pony then perhaps shuffle it around so the breeding bit comes last otherwise I would browse the ad read the first paragraph and assume you were selling her as a brood mare regardless of ridden photos or not!
 
Ok, this is NOT a valid ad so i am taking out pics and contact details. This is a genuine request for feedback. what do you think?

Beautiful 16hh ISH Chestnut Mare. 15 yrs. Sire: Embla Statesman (RID), Dam: Foretop (TB). Delphi is an extremely well bred mare who has bred two beautiful Foals in the last 5 years. Due to her owners ill health she has been out on loan for a year a year where she has proved herself a willing and enjoyable partner taking everything in her stride. She has attended fun rides, show jumped up to 3ft competently, being in the top three consistently. She also came 4th in her first ODE last month. She never says No and is an uncomplicated, forward going ride more suited to an experienced rider as she can take a hold

Delphi is excellent in traffic, to load and travel and equally as good for the farrier. She is fully vaccinated, wormed to date, micro chipped, passported etc. She has no vices and is a very genuine, loving friend who is very low mileage.

Sadly due to unforseen circumstances Delphi is now looking for a new home. She would suit a teenager coming off ponies and wanting a good all round competition horse or a home where she would be used as she has so much to offer. Her movement is straight and correct and she will suit a pure dressage home equally as well as a show jumping or eventing one. Heaps of photo's on request, good trial facilities, open to vetting. No dealers please. £2500 or ono (good home more important than price).

One or two minor alterations that I feel read better. I moved the owner's illness bit as to the reason for sale.
 
Ok, this is NOT a valid ad so i am taking out pics and contact details. This is a genuine request for feedback. what do you think?

Beautiful 16hh ISH Chestnut Mare. 15 yrs. Sire: Embla Statesman (RID), Dam: Foretop (TB). Delphi is an extremely well bred mare who has bred two beautiful Foals in the last 5 years. Due to her owners ill health she has been out on loan for a year a year where she has proved herself a willing and enjoyable partner taking everything in her stride. She has attended fun rides, show jumped up to 3ft competently, being in the top three consistently. She also came 4th in her first ODE last month. She never says No and is an uncomplicated, forward going ride more suited to an experienced rider as she can take a hold

Delphi is excellent in traffic, to load and travel and equally as good for the farrier. She is fully vaccinated, wormed to date, micro chipped, passported etc. She has no vices and is a very genuine, loving friend who has very low mileage.

Sadly due to unforseen circumstances Delphi is now looking for a new home. She would suit a teenager coming off ponies and wanting a good all round competition horse or a home where she would be used as she has so much to offer. Her movement is straight and correct and she will suit a pure dressage home equally as well as a show jumping or eventing one. Heaps of photo's on request, good trial facilities, open to vetting. No dealers please. £2500 or ono (good home more important than price).

One or two minor alterations that I feel read better. I moved the owner's illness bit as to the reason for sale.
 
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