Hovis_and_SidsMum
Well-Known Member
Dear Man upstairs
I hope you have noted that I have not bothered you this year? Not when you turned up the heating in the spring to the extent I felt like a boiled lobster nor when you turned the heating down so much my womanly bouncey bits nearly froze off. So thus the fact I am forced to write to you now must highlight my desperation.
We need a chat about this wind; this icy cold 100mph wind that you have felt the need to inflict upon us for the last week or so. Any chance that you could pack it in?
My reasons are simple and are as follows:
1. I have curly hair that looks windswept the minute I finish blow drying it with my utterly adequate babyliss hairdryer. I do not need you to lend a helping hand in turning "tousled" into "dragged through a hedge backwards".
2. Whilst I do agree I am of a "heftier" build I still do not have enough ballast to remain upright in the face of gale force gusts. Bending double to walk when your ballast is mainly in your chest area is difficult. As a man i have no doubt you have not experienced this but trust me having big funbags does not mean you are less prone to being blown over.
3. If I had wanted to cavort about the fields chasing random items of horse clothing I would have joined Le Trec. I know I need the exercise but blowing the item away again as soon as I put a hand on it is neither funny nor sporting.
4. I am a mammal therefore I do need to breathe. Blowing so hard that it literally takes my breath away will only result in my untimely demise or one of the poor farmers being forced to give me mouth to mouth. for both my sake and theirs I would prefer this not to happen. Unless Colin Farrell has started famring in Lincolnshire - then I could be forced to reconsider....
5. My horse is large and usually sensible but testing this by sending a gust of wind up his derrier just as i am manouvering him and his fiendishly flightly friend through a lane of electric fencing is not fair. Amusing to you perhaps but it is nearly christmas and I have no desire to spend the holiday period in traction.
6. Whilst the sight of me crying is not one often seen there is no need to exploit this by making my eyes water so much i look like I've been forced to watch the War Horse trailer repeatedly for an hour. Not to mention as I have the eye sight of a myopic barn owl at the best of times, impeding my vision is just down right unsporting.
7. Sweeping up outside Hovis' stable is not a task I relish at the best of times. Sending tumble weeds and the contents of everyone elses stable towards me at 50mph is just taking the pee.
8. Hacking is a past time I enjoy but going out looking like a blind, crying, rudolph the red nosed reindeer is ruining my street cred. Plus trying to control the Destroyer spooking every time a branch blows across the road, being unable to hear anything approaching and as such being made aware as my steed nearly dumps me out of the side door in his haste to escape from three bespectacled bicylists does not make for an enjoyable few hours out. Cut me some slack here please?
In summary whilst the incessant wind is undoubtably drying out the wet land is there any need to have the blowers turned up so high? I look like a red nosed afghan in a tumble dryer whilst hovis has gone past the manly tousled look and now just looks like he's stuck his hoof in an electric socket. Cut a girl some slack please?
After all it is christmas.......
Yours windswept of Lincolnshire
I hope you have noted that I have not bothered you this year? Not when you turned up the heating in the spring to the extent I felt like a boiled lobster nor when you turned the heating down so much my womanly bouncey bits nearly froze off. So thus the fact I am forced to write to you now must highlight my desperation.
We need a chat about this wind; this icy cold 100mph wind that you have felt the need to inflict upon us for the last week or so. Any chance that you could pack it in?
My reasons are simple and are as follows:
1. I have curly hair that looks windswept the minute I finish blow drying it with my utterly adequate babyliss hairdryer. I do not need you to lend a helping hand in turning "tousled" into "dragged through a hedge backwards".
2. Whilst I do agree I am of a "heftier" build I still do not have enough ballast to remain upright in the face of gale force gusts. Bending double to walk when your ballast is mainly in your chest area is difficult. As a man i have no doubt you have not experienced this but trust me having big funbags does not mean you are less prone to being blown over.
3. If I had wanted to cavort about the fields chasing random items of horse clothing I would have joined Le Trec. I know I need the exercise but blowing the item away again as soon as I put a hand on it is neither funny nor sporting.
4. I am a mammal therefore I do need to breathe. Blowing so hard that it literally takes my breath away will only result in my untimely demise or one of the poor farmers being forced to give me mouth to mouth. for both my sake and theirs I would prefer this not to happen. Unless Colin Farrell has started famring in Lincolnshire - then I could be forced to reconsider....
5. My horse is large and usually sensible but testing this by sending a gust of wind up his derrier just as i am manouvering him and his fiendishly flightly friend through a lane of electric fencing is not fair. Amusing to you perhaps but it is nearly christmas and I have no desire to spend the holiday period in traction.
6. Whilst the sight of me crying is not one often seen there is no need to exploit this by making my eyes water so much i look like I've been forced to watch the War Horse trailer repeatedly for an hour. Not to mention as I have the eye sight of a myopic barn owl at the best of times, impeding my vision is just down right unsporting.
7. Sweeping up outside Hovis' stable is not a task I relish at the best of times. Sending tumble weeds and the contents of everyone elses stable towards me at 50mph is just taking the pee.
8. Hacking is a past time I enjoy but going out looking like a blind, crying, rudolph the red nosed reindeer is ruining my street cred. Plus trying to control the Destroyer spooking every time a branch blows across the road, being unable to hear anything approaching and as such being made aware as my steed nearly dumps me out of the side door in his haste to escape from three bespectacled bicylists does not make for an enjoyable few hours out. Cut me some slack here please?
In summary whilst the incessant wind is undoubtably drying out the wet land is there any need to have the blowers turned up so high? I look like a red nosed afghan in a tumble dryer whilst hovis has gone past the manly tousled look and now just looks like he's stuck his hoof in an electric socket. Cut a girl some slack please?
After all it is christmas.......
Yours windswept of Lincolnshire
