Dilemma, dont know what to do?

flaxen

flaxen

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Im currently just over 30wks pregnant and am just starting maternity leave. I have a 16mth old colt and a 6yr old unbroken companion.

I have just recently had to have my colts dam put to sleep due to severe bone spavin ( unresponsive to treatment) and was having to think about making a decision for her as she was in a lot of pain which was causing her to be extra stressed and coupled with a skin condition meant winter was going to be extra tough on her as she cant come into contact with wet mud so her turnout in winter consists of a turnout pen with a shallow layer of bark in it. Unfortunately while the 3 of them ( all turned out in a herd) were playing and hoolying about in the field we think she slipped and dislocated the hock which had the worst spavin in it (also tore collateral ligament in same hock in summer) and along with my vet made the decision to end her suffering, you couldnt box rest this mare. She was also my riding horse until she became too lame.

I wasnt thinking about getting another riding horse until february time which by then I will be completly back on my feet and more than ready to be back in the saddle for my chill out time, I have continued to potter about on my friends mare so far ( oh doesnt know, he hates horses!)

My dilemma is a friend rang me about a horse she saw in adtrader that she thought would be perfect for me. I did pluck up the courage to ring about him, and he seems perfect only 10yr old but been there, seen it and done it and he is pretty cheap too. He does crib bite without a collar on but its not really a concern as the top strand of our fencing is wire due to having cattle and he would always wear a collar anyway.

I dont know what to do, my dad ( who knows how important my horses are to me and keep my chilled and sane) said if I dont go and see him I will probably regret it as I may not find another like him and he is literally 5 miles away and I think he may buy him for me or contribute.

I know its a 3rd one to look after but the horses live at home and there was 3 of them up to a few weeks ago, there isnt really anyone I can talk to at home as oh is a farmer and horses are apparantly a waste of time and money, even though he has his dvds as a hobby and smokes and has umpteen 4x4 that he does up for off roading. I also do all the accounts for the farm and the green waste recycling business, plus the night time lambing for free so dont think the small amount of hay that they eat is a big deal.

I would take a friend with me to see him and sit on him before I decide to get on or not.

What would you guys do? Any opinions greatly appreciated, thanks.
 
Well you've done a good job on me ! Go and see it - find out what it is like if left for a while ? if he is as safe as houses then it will be an ideal partnership for when you get back on after the baby x
 
Is the baby your first child? Do not underestimate the impact of having a baby and small child. You have 2 horses and a friends one to ride,surely thats enough for now? Dont over stretch yourself. There will always be another horse later.
 
Different people cope differently so I can only tell you my experience. My daughter is 5 months old and I am finding it very difficult to ride. I have a fantastic groom who can bring in, groom and tack up for me and I still only ride maybe 4 times a week a quick half hour each time. Hacking is out of the question as it takes too long. During the pregnancy I was too big, too tired and too nauseous to do anything with the horses in the 2nd and 3rd trimester, although other people cope better. Now that the baby is here I am finding that breast feeding takes a lot of time and on days when the baby is wingey everything else has to take second place.

Long answer short: no I would not look at a new horse at this stage. Appart from anything else at 30wks you probably won't be able to try him out properly and if you do get him you won't be able to do much with him for a while.
 
Is this your first baby? If it is, don't underestimate how much time and effort you're going to spend looking after him/her when he/she arrives!

I don't have kids but I have several friends who have recently had children and every single one of them has said how much harder it is than they thought it was going to be. And it sounds like you also already have a lot of other responsibilities on your farm.

Another "perfect" horse will come along so why not take this opportunity to enjoy your existing two horses and devote your energies to motherhood and think about buying another rideable horse when you're actually ready to start riding again?
 
flaxen said:
Im currently just over 30wks pregnant and am just starting maternity leave.
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I can see why you'll be excited abt the time-off now but as a sharer I've seen SO MANY adverts for ppl's horses they don't have time/energy/inclination for after their baby arrives I'd recommend caution.

flaxen said:
He does crib bite without a collar on but its not really a concern as the top strand of our fencing is wire due to having cattle and he would always wear a collar anyway.
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This is kind of sad. The collar just prevents the horse doing a repetitive (sterotypical) behaviour that relieves stress (or possibly pain... cd be unclers/teeth/similar causing this) it doesn't stop the horse being stressed/in pain. If he'd be turned out 24/7 at your place with company he is happy with it may improve but you may need to investigate ulcers/whatever too. And possibly you're about to be rather busy with nappy-rash etc ;-)
 
I too would wait. Again, if it's your 1st baby, then wait till he or she arrives and see how you feel then. The love you feel will probably outweigh your desire for another horse as you will be wanting to spend time with baby.
If it is your 2nd, then don't think that 2 are just as easy as one. And if it is your third or more, then I'll shut up, as by now you will know what you are letting yourself in for :D
There will be other ideal horses, however good luck with whatever you decide :)
 
I'm another one in the no camp. You've so much about to happen in your life, get back on your feet properly, then decide.

Personally, I would want my OH on my side and to discuss it with him, rather than buying it with my dad when he doesn't know. This is someone you're having a child with - shouldn't you be working together! (Sorry - that probably sounds harsher than it should, it all just sounded strange in your post..)
 
wait wait wait I think you may underestimating the upheaval you are about to experience and your OH does sound as though he might not be the most helpful. coping with 3 that you know well is not the same with getting use to a new one and it's often not as straight forward settling a new one as you think.
don't over face yourself.
Thats my advice for what it's worth Good luck with the baby
 
ok, yes she is my first baby and she wasnt asked for or planned and we sure as hell were not trying but that doesnt mean she wont be loved and cared.

I realise that it wont be easy but Im also not prepared to give up my life for a child, why should I? I have been really ill all the way through to the point of only putting 2kg on in weight but have stillmanaged to look after the horses and no they dont have 24hr turnout, they are in at night out during the day, and in if its pissing it down as we have heavy clay soil so it gets wet.

Baby is being bottle fed on formula and plenty of my friends have children and still have their horses and my father in law and my mum are more than happy to look after her so I can go for a ride. Her godmother to be is also happy to take her for a while and has even said she will accompany me if I want to go to a show or fun ride etc and look after her. Im happy for any new horse to have time out when moved to a new home and get used to surroundings, routine etc, and yes some people may think that stopping a horse from cribbing/ wind sucking is cruel but colic is life threatening.

Yes I will love baby but she needs to fit in with our life too, and if that means going out in her pram onto the yard to do the horses then what harm is that, the horses and baby need to get used to each others presence. The horses have already had her pram out on the yard so they can get used to it being there and see it as an everyday occurance now and nothing to be scared of.
 
Firstly, congrats on the baby and I'm really sorry to hear that you've been ill, hope you are doing ok now.

I have a 14 month little girl and another one due end of January (am 38 so biological clock ticking loudly)! I too was determined to have my horses as very much part of my life, but ended up having an emergency c-section, which meant I couldn't get back on a horse for a number of months (have you considered what you would do if this happened to you), or muck out, or do much really.

I also used to take my baby to the yard to muck out, but she used to scream the place down as she hated me not being right there with her (even though I had her in the stable doorway), it meant mucking out an absolute nightmare, and combined with lack of sleep (never underestimate this), I felt crap.

We now have our horses at home and turned out 24/7, but God knows when I'll get to ride again. LOL!

I really would recommend waiting, a baby does turn your world (and your hormones) upside down, give yourself a chance to settle into motherhood and then start to look, there are many good horses out there I promise.
 
I would agree with Cluny, its not just a case of saying 'well the baby can just sit around on the yard'. If your little one hates being in the pram and screams every time you move more than 5 feet away from him/her, its incredibly stressful trying to get all the horsey jobs done.

You may be managing ok now but I found it much much harder doing my horses with a baby in tow than doing them at 8months+ pregnant. I'm not saying you won't manage but I really thought 'how hard can it be' before I had a baby - and then I found out! They'll have to fit into my life is a nice idea but it often just doesn't work out like that.

I have great support from my family, husband but I still only ride once a week at most. And although you won't believe it now, your horses will probably move down to second place in your priorities when baby arrives.

That said, going for a ride is a great way to escape for a bit if you can get a babysitter. If you have a friends horse to ride I would stick with that.
 
I won't say do and I won't say don't: I don't know you and anything IS possible, but at this stage you have no idea how the baby will be once he/she has arrived. If your extra horse won't suffer for being left for a year or two then whatever the case if the horse is right then you'll be fine in the longer term, however you may well find priorities change - I used to ride a motorcycle, it's been in the garage ever since, just don't fancy riding it now. I also didn't do horses with a baby - somehow the ponies arrived with daughter once she was mobile - she used to run out of the gate to greet the local riding school on their daily hack!

However, I will say don't dismiss breastfeeding if you can do it (not everyone can). I was surprised to find it so much easier for me than for my friends who were always faffing with bottles - filling, washing, sterilising, getting milk to right temperature aside from having to hold the bottle for hours at the right angle. With breastfeeding I found feed was always available on tap right temperature, no sterilising no washing up. If my daughter was stressed for any reason or tired and couldn't sleep or whatever we just found a quiet spot to sit and she fed and voila! One happy baby. You can always give bottles to other people for feeding when you're not about.

Leading on from that I also discovered babywearing - with baby in a sling it gives them the security of being with you, with the bonus of two free hands. Much easier to do anything!
 
Not a dilemma at all seeing as you know exactly how you're going to feel ove the nex t 10 weeks as you get bigger and bigger and the hormones flood through your body. And especially as you know exactly how you're going to cope once the hormones are really kcking off after the birth when you're a new mum.

And of course everyone is going to bend over backwards to do everything for you so nothing at all changes in your life and the new baby just slots effortlessly into your routine. This is bound to be the case because every single parent that you've asked has said that that is how it has been for them.

If there is any doubt in your mind that the above won't actually happen over the next 3 to 6 months, then I would hang on for a few months before buying a new horse if I were you.

:) Best of luck with the baby - welcome to the wonderful world of parenthood!
 
I did a lot of riding on maternity leave, but my horses were kept at my mums house then, I I swapped the kids for the ponies - she minded the kids I rode. If I had of had my horses elsewhere it would have been impossible, unless I had my horses at home and my mum came over all the time.

You cannot leave a child in pram and ride, it sounds fine in theory, but it never ever worked for me the few occasions I tried. It was a disaster, just did not work.

Babies do not usually fit in with your plans, I worked at home when I had mine and went to uni full time, (with a three week and a 6 week old baby at different times during my degree). I found babies extremely inconsiderate as to your plans:), and there only concern is their plans.

I also have an OH that does not have an interest in horses, and it does not make things easy.

But re the horse, well if it really is the one, then I would certainly consider it, but by the same token, best not to have unrealistic expectations.

By the the way, I have less time now that my kids are teenagers than I did when they were toddlers.
 
I have four children and at one point I had 7 horses. It was exhausting and I felt incredibly guilty as I had no time at all to bring on my youngsters. I dont want to patronise you but you've not reached the hardest part, physically yet... The last ten weeks are where you get much bigger and your back aches and ankles swell.
Don't assume also that you'll have an effortless birth, I've had 3 c sections and they are extremely painful and although I was ok after about 5 weeks before that you can't lift or drive or ride... Not possible. So you may need someone just to do horsey jobs for you.
Finally not one of my babies has ever been the laid back type and any spare moments I had would be spent catching up on washing and sleeping!
I'm not going to tell you whether to get the horse or not, but I'm going to suggest you get a contingency plan sorted for if it all goes belly up :)
 
The most worrying thing about this post for me is the fact that you are having a baby with your husband but are prepared to go behind his back with your dad to (potentially) buy a horse???? Perhaps you need to look at your relationship.......
 
It sounds like you probably have decided and I am sure it will work out for you, but just to give you an idea...

baby woke me uo at 4.40am, fed till 7.00 and then wanted to do things. Horses had to be in because of torrential rain, so at one point I was trying to muck out, the baby was screaming and upsetting the horses, I took her for a walk only to find that part of the post and rail needed repair, while I was trying to sush the baby, repair the fence and muck out the horses, the terrier came back covered in muck and shivering in the rain!

Horses are now out, terrier is clean, I am shattered but the baby is completely awake, has just fed and is ready to play!!!!!!!!! On the plus side, she is the most wonderful baby ever and the light of my life! (you get incredibly gushy and silly about your baby when it arrives!)
 
Flaxen, a baby daughter will be lovely. Congratulations.

She won't always be in a pram you know and will, all too soon, be on the move. Even with the support of others, I think you will struggle to find the time and energy to cope with more horses. Spend this early time with your family - there will be other horses but only one firstborn child!
 
flaxen said:
Yes I will love baby but she needs to fit in with our life too, .
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You sound just like a friend of mine......until she had her daughter!!!!! Your baby hasn't asked to come into this world...and while I agree that it is important you continue to follow your persuits....please don't think that your baby is going to willingly sit quietly in a pram when it suits you.......what happens when she starts to become mobile? Babys are easy while they are little...the fun starts when they start to toddle!!!! Enjoy your little girl...she will need you to be completely focused as a mum. Mine are 13 and 11 and I now have time to enjoy owning a horse again without without worrying about bottles and nappies (mainly because my daughter shares my passion and is there more than me) I say leave this horse, wait til you have your daughter and then see how much time you'll have on your hands!! :)
 
I think it will depend on if you have family who are near and willing to help out, I had two horses when I had my first child but I had my mum who came the yard with me or would go and do stable bits while I went to work and my dad had the baby when it was far to cold or wet:)
My second child I had no horses and relocated so no family close by :( my husband bought me my horse when 2nd child was 5 weeks old I really struggled in both time and money cause I could not do the hours I needed to keep my boy in the way I was used to :(
I ended up selling him :( he went to a really good home and I still get updates on him but I regret getting a horse when baby was so young if I would of been patient I would now be able to get one and have more time and money for a horse
 
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