Do I sell?

[Gilly2301]

Iv been ridding all my life so 20+ years but had a break for several years after my first horse died. But back in 2011 I bought a yearling so I could get back into it from scratch. I backed him myself as a 3 year old and he was my happy hacker. He's now turning 5 and has a sharer is brilliant with him and does most of the riding, since having baby I don't have as much free time as I'd like, but that was okay because she looks after him so well. Suddenly Iv lost all my confidence on him, he's not the easiest to ride and likes to have his moments, I havnt lost my confidence on other horses, I rode a friends horse and he felt so amazing, but just with my boy I don't want to get on. He has never done anything terrible but I can't find my balance or courage to go any faster than a walk. My sharer can trot, canter, gallop, jump you name it she can do it. I jusr don't know what's wrong with me. Iv had lesson to help work on my balance and it's fine on other horses, he's being professionally schooled theirs nothing wrong there. It's like we're not clicking. I'm just starting to think that it would be better to sell and find another I can actually ride but I can't bring myself to sell my boy. iv had him since a baby, we've been through so much and he is so loving and genuinely wants to be with you. I had so many plans on what we would do in the future but I don't think there going to happen. I can't bring myself to do it. I keep saying that if give him another year then decided but I would still be in the same boat. My sharer would be heart broken as she loves him to death. My sharer and I are such good friends I don't want to upset her if I sell him, but then again I need something I can ride too. I hope this makes sence to someone, I know only I can make this decision but need some advice

 

[asmp]

Just remember that owning a horse is supposed to be fun and enjoyable and that it costs you the same to keep a horse you like riding as one you don't.

I think many of us lose a bit of confidence when we have children - mainly because, in the back of your mind, you know that someone else now relies on you.

Can't sharer afford to buy him - or take him on full loan if you can afford to buy another?

 

[Shay]

I completely understand your heartache. But this is too expensive a sport to keep going when it isn't working. You asked the question in good faith and deserve an honest answer. Honestly - it depends on your finances. If you can keep him for your sharer or give him to her on full loan then do that and find something for yourself. But if you need to sell him to do that then do so. Find him the best possible home where he will be happy and move on. I know it is hard! Most of us will have gone through something similar - or we will before our riding lives are over. You are not alone. And you are not a "bad Mummy" to him for thinking this. Quite the reverse.

 

[_GG_]

I completely understand your heartache. But this is too expensive a sport to keep going when it isn't working. You asked the question in good faith and deserve an honest answer. Honestly - it depends on your finances. If you can keep him for your sharer or give him to her on full loan then do that and find something for yourself. But if you need to sell him to do that then do so. Find him the best possible home where he will be happy and move on. I know it is hard! Most of us will have gone through something similar - or we will before our riding lives are over. You are not alone. And you are not a "bad Mummy" to him for thinking this. Quite the reverse.

This. There is nothing bad about where you are or what your thoughts are at all. In addition to the above post, dependent on finances, if your sharer could afford to buy him, great. If not, could she afford to loan him? If she can, then it might be an idea for you leave that as it is and look for a share horse for yourself. I would say buy another if you could afford one or even loan another, but you have a sharer for a reason currently...you are pushed for time. This makes me think it may be better for you to find a horse that you take the share of, only having to commit to a few days a week, most owners allow more if you want and it means you get to pick a horse that you can be confident on and enjoy, not overstretch yourself time-wise or financially and also, if it doesn't work out for any reason, you just give notice on the share and find another.

I would ordinarily say to just sell, but it really doesn't sound like you want to and I totally understand that. Not everyone finds it easy to sell a horse they love and it sounds like your horse is more than just a horse...you say you can't bring yourself to sell him, so my words above are aimed at finding a way for you to work around selling and try and make the best of a sad situation.

That said, if the sharer can't take the full loan (she could possibly get a sharer herself to help) or if you can't reach some agreement there, then no matter how upset everyone will be, selling is an option that you have and keeping horses is so expensive and time consuming that you really should be able to enjoy it, not worry about it.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Gilly2301]

Thanks everyone, I feel so torn on what to do. I feel so selfish that im even considering selling because im not enjoying riding him when i know theres so much more to owning a horse than just riding. My sharer isnt in a financial position to buy him and I can afford to buy or loan another without selling him. Im not going to make this decision lightly but I dont want to end up putting it off either. I have started driving him and we love it but its not the same as actually getting on board. I bought him so I could start again and he could be my 'forever horse' and we could experience everything together from day one.

How do you detach yourself when selling a horse, never sold one before. I wouldn't even know how much I would sell him for. Ahhhh this is such a horrible decision to make!!

 

[_GG_]

Thanks everyone, I feel so torn on what to do. I feel so selfish that im even considering selling because im not enjoying riding him when i know theres so much more to owning a horse than just riding. My sharer isnt in a financial position to buy him and I can afford to buy or loan another without selling him. Im not going to make this decision lightly but I dont want to end up putting it off either. I have started driving him and we love it but its not the same as actually getting on board. I bought him so I could start again and he could be my 'forever horse' and we could experience everything together from day one.

How do you detach yourself when selling a horse, never sold one before. I wouldn't even know how much I would sell him for. Ahhhh this is such a horrible decision to make!!

You make the decision to sell. Then do nothing for a month. Then make the decision again. If you reach the same decision, you can sell knowing that you're doing what is right for you. If you are not sure in a month, give it a little more time.

The head struggles to cope when things are rushed, so whilst you may have been thinking about this for some time, it seems it's only been a realistic possibility for a short time, so give yourself a little time to get used to the idea and go easy on yourself.

 

[gnubee]

Is it specifically that you have an issue clicking with this horse, or is it that your change in circumstances means it would only take a couple of incidents with an ores to break the trust for you? If there is a chance it is the latter, I would not be too hasty in selling this one.
I'm not sure what you have tried lesson wise, but some things to consider are:
- have you pushed yourself to ride him on all your days over say a month, doing what you are comfortable doing on your own and asking your instructor to help you get up to trot/ canter in lessons? It could be that if you can get over the hump and start having some fun with hi it will come a bit easier.
- have you tried a different instructor who might specifically be able to help with your confidence issues?
- could you try to build up a bank of positive experiences for a bit by working on everything fun you can think of that is within your comfort zone (even if only on walk) and avoiding any triggers that might make him difficult?
- have you tried lunge lessons on him to get your comfort back up again?

If you're sure it's him specifically, there is nothing wrong with accepting that you need something different in a horse and finding you each new partners who suit you better.

 

[Equi]

I would be loaning him to the sharer until he is older. He maybe just needs a confident rider to get him out of the baby woods. He could be a horse of a lifetime in time..

 

[windand rain]

Could be you are struggling to find your balance so feel unsafe As a baby he is likely to far less balancd himself than an older horse ad so more reliant on his rider. My guess would be that it is that that is the problem and the fact you have a small child and added responsibility so even a small wobble becomes a major issue

 

[Shay]

We faced this with my daughter's SJ'er a couple of years ago. We'd had him just over 2 years at the time and had issues with some seriously quirky behaviour which had knocked her confidence. (Plus we were not longer going to continue with BS which is what he had been bought for - and was extremely talented at.) What we decided to do was look for something else first. I doubted my ability to sell him (not least because at the time I was rather scared of him and certainly could not have put a strange rider on him for safety reasons) so we were tentatively planning to put him to a dealer or on sale livery somewhere. We tried horses off and on over the summer - and found a few we did like - but every time we came back and rode the SJ'er again there simply was nothing to compare to him despite his issues. After a few months we knew - we were in fact going to stick with him and change his direction to eventing rather than sell. It made all the difference in how we dealt with him and how we thought about him. But the decision could as easily have gone the other way and we would have been as happy. What the exercise did do was put everything into perspective for us which was very valuable.

It might be worth thinking about as a different approach to making the decision?

 

[TotalMadgeness]

I had a similar issue horsewise. At one point I was a reasonably confident rider who could hack out, jump a course, do dressage and Le Trec. After years of mainly loaning I then bought a lovely 11 year old WB who not long after I bought him had an accident where he jumped out of a paddock and flipped over onto his back. He recovered slowly but after I brought him back into work he'd randomly take off when being ridden (not just by me either). I had his back and tack thoroughly checked but there didn't seem to be a physical reason. The spooks were never anything terrible but for me the shock of the accident coupled with the long recovery and the resulting outcomes totally destroyed my confidence. I tried everything to get back on (even valium!) but to no avail. I just couldn't even walk on him without being absolutely and ridiculously terrified. At one point I thought about giving up totally but I was encouraged to go and have some riding lessons at a local school. This was enough to rebuild my confidence to a reasonable level and rediscover my love for riding. I then had the courage to approach a reputable dealer who swapped my horse for an irish cob which they thought matched my ability, age (late forties!) and nerves. It was very sad to lose the old one (and I still feel terribly guilty) but something had to give as I didn't want to give up riding. Luckily the irish cob has been a godsend and despite him being young and green he is manageable and although I still don't quite have the bottle to hack out (or even canter in the school) I try to ride every day possible and each day things slowly improve. I never felt like I bonded with the previous horse but I feel I have with the new one.

To cut a long story short I changed horse and it sounds like that is maybe what you need to do. Maybe there is something about this horse your instincts are telling you 'no' about which is why you're able to ride the other horses fine?

 

[Barnacle]

I think that you should get an instructor in and have a lesson on him with no one else there. Just take it slow but having someone there who is a stranger and who will make you do things *just* outside your comfort zone might make a world of difference. It sounds like you'll be perfectly fine on him once you get into a trot and canter without incident.

I'd also wonder if maybe you're just a little bit scared that if you do more with him you won't be able to handle it as well as your sharer? I might be reading too much into it but a lot of the stress people experience is of a social nature... The fear of not being able to do as much with your own horse is not an unusual source of anxiety... There's nothing wrong with that. But once you admit it, it'll all be easier. He is still your horse and having another person who gets on with him doesn't diminish your relationship. I may be waaaay off target here but I've seen it before and sometimes someone pointing it out is all it takes

 

[Exploding Chestnuts]

I agree with all the above posters advice, I think a ride and drive with what sounds like a bit of ability and no vices will make a decent price, but at the moment I would hang fire. You are puting yourself under pressure and probably need to change things a little so you can be more objective.
If you don't particularly enjoy riding him at the moment, is there something you can do to break the cycle.
Have you considered Le Trec competition, it is a minority sport, but very interesting and goes from grassroots to international standard. To do well you have to have the horse reasonably well schooled but you don't need to be too adventurous, and there are lots of nice venues. there is probably less pressure than any other competition. I would seek out a more advanced instructor, maybe BHSII, have a few lessons concentrating on the Le Trec idea, this will get you out of your current worries, which may fade a bit. You can ask the instructor to ride you horse for a lesson or as part of the lesson and explain your dilemma, perhaps she will help you decide, or even help with the problem. If she likes him she may help prepare him for sale and ride him for potential purchasers.
You could lease him locally if he is good enough, so he is still your horse but you don't have to ride him.
Don't rule out competition driving, someone experienced may be looking for something like this, they are hard to come by.

 

[Exploding Chestnuts]

I have started driving him and we love it but its not the same as actually getting on board. I bought him so I could start again and he could be my 'forever horse' and we could experience everything together from day one.

I think this is part of the problem in a way your expectations were too great, a forever horse tends to appear almost randomly and can't be identified until you have had him for a while, so in a way he has kind of "let you down", which is really not the case of course.
If you and he both love driving, there is no need to do the riding thing ever again, driving together is such a wonderful thing, he can't do it without you and you can't do it without him. Go along to a marathon competition, see the skills of the top drivers, they are handling teams of four fit, fired up horses, it is amazing. You could do more to develop your own skills, hook up with local enthusiasts and do driveouts, OH and baby can come too!

http://www.britishdrivingsociety.co.uk/

http://www.britishcarriagedriving.co.uk/

http://www.ponyandcarriage.co.uk/horse-and-carriage-events-calendar.htm

 

[Gilly2301]

Thanks guys your help and advice have been brilliant. When I first got him as my 'forever horse' I was happy for him to be my happy hacker, but now when iv seen his potential when his sharer rides I want him to go on and do more. I wouldn't say I was jealous of her being able to do al these things with him but frustrated that I cant, if that makes scene and I know that its my confidence on him that gets in the way of that. I think that there is also a fear that his sharer has progressed him so well that if I get on I might hinder his education. I have started trotting on him, just walk trot transitions and over poles, nothing exciting but do try to push myself a little more whether it be an extra 5 mins of riding or a few extra steps in trot.