Does anyone have a male and female cat that gets along?

[AShetlandBitMeOnce]

We got a 'bonded pair' from a rescue back in Feb this year, they could not be rehomed apart so the rescue said - one is a big male, fat and hairy and just a typical boy, the other is a very slight and slim, female. Ted (boy) is a really lovely cat, but he just picks on Shirley (female), she cannot lay anywhere and relax, as soon as either of us aren't in the room he jumps on top of her and bites her. It's not full aggression, he doesn't break skin, but he's just a bit of a bully basically. I am wondering if it's inherent that boys and girls just don't get along? They may have come from the same place, but a bonded pair they are not.

They are both neutered, it's not pin down sexual behaviour as it's not 'on top' specifically or biting and holding, it's more how you would see boys play. He leaves her alone to eat, they will happily eat together and he doesn't even look at hers to try and steal it, same with treats. We have tried shooting him/near him with a small water pistol as soon as he fixates on her, but as we both work full time we therefore can't be consistent with it, and actually it's not done a jot to deter him; neither has loads of play with toys, or the plug ins you can get.

I think potentially he's bored, and he's too rough to play with her, and the disturbing her is because he wants what she has and is bored enough to try and take it rather than go in his favourite spots. We have had builders in for the last 4 months (that the cats love, not scared one bit) and the house has changed a lot with loads going on to get into and explore, so they're definitely stimulated plenty day to day, both have access to outside and to toys and smells, neighbours have cats always in our garden and he will let any old tom cat or female cat wander in the house and eat his food/sleep on the bed so not territorial or a bully to any other cat.

It's getting to the point that we may have to look to rehome him, which would be heartbreaking, as he is a really sweet velcro cat in every other way.

 

[whirlwind]

No help as our boy and girl pair (same as yours, big black boy cat and tiny little girl cat) love each other! We had them as feral kittens and they’re super friendly now but still love each other best

 

[AShetlandBitMeOnce]

No help as our boy and girl pair (same as yours, big black boy cat and tiny little girl cat) love each other! We had them as feral kittens and they’re super friendly now but still love each other best View attachment 148747View attachment 148749View attachment 148748

That’s very sweet! I’d die of shock if ours did that.. I’m wondering if the rescue had us on and they weren’t a pair at all, albeit they look similar.

 

[coblets]

Why don't you just separate them in different parts of the house so she has at least a few hours daily somewhere where he has no access?

 

[AShetlandBitMeOnce]

Why don't you just separate them in different parts of the house so she has at least a few hours daily somewhere where he has no access?

Unfortunately we can’t, we have an open plan house entirely, we could shut her upstairs or vice versa but then they wouldn’t be able to get outside if needed.

She does go in the shed as we opened the window enough for her to get in but not him, but now it’s hammering it down and a bit colder she’s not so keen to go in there. She also goes on top of the wardrobe, but it’s just upsetting to think that she’s constantly living unable to relax where she wants to as he finds her and is mean to her, it’s potentially another 20 years of having to live avoiding the cat she lives with.

 

[mini-eventer]

I have a girl we've had for 17years, we have a boy we've had 14 years she still hates him.

Stray boy comes along she loves him and he also gets on with our other boy. So much so she is calmer around him too although shes still not keen.

Obviously the stray had to stay he's bought harmony to the home. No idea why she doesn't like our older boy.

Cats are funny creatures

 

[ihatework]

My two utterly adore each other. Completely different characters but they are like brother and sister. They sleep curled up together. Play chase. Have the odd minor scrap. He generally dominates the food, she doesn’t care and goes out hunting. When push comes to shove I think she is ultimately the boss!

 

[honetpot]

I have three cats two females and a male, all unrelated and different ages. The oldest female is aloof but likes company, she worries if they are gone for long, somtimes they younger two can disappear for days, but doesn't like them in her space.
The middle one is a male, and he is besotted with the younger female, they lick and cuddle like young lovers, but I think they only spend time together in the house. When they fight it tends to be short spats, he is far larger than her but she is a bit meaner.
I think if you are worried I would feed her and put her in a cage at night, make it really comfy , and cover it. She must see your house as home or else she would not come back. Over they years we have had a few cats, we normally get them in pairs, and if one is not happy they move on to the neighbours, one used to sleep in neighbours conservatory, cats are never yours really. One was a very starved stray I found around are farm sheds, who was happy living in our house with another male, and then he realised next door he was king, so he moved there, and when we moved away they asked if they could keep him.

 

[Pinkvboots]

My sister has 2 indoor cats they are a British Blue female and a seal point male, they get on ok he sometimes chases her but she will often bat him one with her paw and he will leave her then.

But they do sleep happily most of the time his more boisterous and playful so she will take herself away, they have been together since being born.

Could you try maybe getting his attention when he tries to bully her I know you can't do it all the time.

My sisters cats are like dogs really they come to call and like playing with toys but that might be because they don't go out on there own in the garden.

 

[AShetlandBitMeOnce]

My two utterly adore each other. Completely different characters but they are like brother and sister. They sleep curled up together. Play chase. Have the odd minor scrap. He generally dominates the food, she doesn’t care and goes out hunting. When push comes to shove I think she is ultimately the boss!


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Oh they look super sweet!

I have three cats two females and a male, all unrelated and different ages. The oldest female is aloof but likes company, she worries if they are gone for long, somtimes they younger two can disappear for days, but doesn't like them in her space.
The middle one is a male, and he is besotted with the younger female, they lick and cuddle like young lovers, but I think they only spend time together in the house. When they fight it tends to be short spats, he is far larger than her but she is a bit meaner.
I think if you are worried I would feed her and put her in a cage at night, make it really comfy , and cover it. She must see your house as home or else she would not come back. Over they years we have had a few cats, we normally get them in pairs, and if one is not happy they move on to the neighbours, one used to sleep in neighbours conservatory, cats are never yours really. One was a very starved stray I found around are farm sheds, who was happy living in our house with another male, and then he realised next door he was king, so he moved there, and when we moved away they asked if they could keep him.

That's interesting, perhaps a third cat might diffuse somewhat - it would have to be a cat that could play with Ted though, and if we buy a male or a bigger cat then we run the risk of them both bullying the Shirley (small one).. She is absolutely happy in the house, no risk of her going astray I wouldn't say as Ted was even more mean than this in the beginning and she still came back, but I am more just worried that forever looking over her shoulder is a bit of a miserable life.. Our old cats we had for 24 years, and they did have a spat here and there, but they would properly cuddle like the photos above, and groom each other etc. Perhaps I am being overly sensitive, as if she was really that bothered she would be laying permanently ontop of the wardrobe where Ted can't get to, rather than chilling on the sofa etc.

 

[mini-eventer]

Oh they look super sweet!



That's interesting, perhaps a third cat might diffuse somewhat - it would have to be a cat that could play with Ted though, and if we buy a male or a bigger cat then we run the risk of them both bullying the Shirley (small one).. She is absolutely happy in the house, no risk of her going astray I wouldn't say as Ted was even more mean than this in the beginning and she still came back, but I am more just worried that forever looking over her shoulder is a bit of a miserable life.. Our old cats we had for 24 years, and they did have a spat here and there, but they would properly cuddle like the photos above, and groom each other etc. Perhaps I am being overly sensitive, as if she was really that bothered she would be laying permanently ontop of the wardrobe where Ted can't get to, rather than chilling on the sofa etc.

The solution get another cat

The one my little timid girl likes is a massive rather chubby boy

 

[Clarabel]

Totally irrelevant but each day my deaf cat without warning will come and beat me often drawing blood. But I really thinks she likes me and it's a game.

 

[scats]

My littermates, male and female, got on until they were about 2.
Then the male became very dominant and started randomly attacking the female, jumping on her and tearing her fur out.
It only happens once in a blue moon now, and in fairness she gives as good as she gets back and he often comes out of it bleeding.
We mostly keep them apart unless they are supervised.

 

[Peregrine Falcon]

Tilly cat can be a scaredy cat and Shadow is a devil. He'll lie in wait behind the walls and pounce on her. I think he just wants to play personally but she doesn't. She'll sit and growl at him if he goes near her. I got him as a kitten 3 yrs ago when she was 5/6 and had previously lived with another female. I think it all depends on the animal rather than the sex.

She takes refuge in the boys rooms and keeps them company, whilst black cat takes over my side of the bed and attacks my feet when I try to get into it!!

 

[FinnishLapphund]

That’s very sweet! I’d die of shock if ours did that.. I’m wondering if the rescue had us on and they weren’t a pair at all, albeit they look similar.

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Even though her body language doesn't look completely happy with Ted in the last photo, I don't think Shirley looks like she feels bullied by him. At least not when you took the photo. Also, as you said, if Shirley felt that what he does is completely intolerable, and she knows he can't get up on the wardrobe, but she can, then it doesn't make sense that she chooses to continue to sleep on the sofa, where he easily can get to her.

In your shoes, I would get a Feliway Diffuser, and see if that maybe mellows his playing methods a bit.

 

[AShetlandBitMeOnce]

My littermates, male and female, got on until they were about 2.
Then the male became very dominant and started randomly attacking the female, jumping on her and tearing her fur out.
It only happens once in a blue moon now, and in fairness she gives as good as she gets back and he often comes out of it bleeding.
We mostly keep them apart unless they are supervised.

Tilly cat can be a scaredy cat and Shadow is a devil. He'll lie in wait behind the walls and pounce on her. I think he just wants to play personally but she doesn't. She'll sit and growl at him if he goes near her. I got him as a kitten 3 yrs ago when she was 5/6 and had previously lived with another female. I think it all depends on the animal rather than the sex.

She takes refuge in the boys rooms and keeps them company, whilst black cat takes over my side of the bed and attacks my feet when I try to get into it!!

Super interesting that littermates are the same, sounds very similar to these two in both posts! The difference being that Shirley doesn't ever 'say' anything back - she's very meek and quiet despite the above photo. She will throw a singular paw or have a bit of a play and a biff but when he does jump on her she just lets him, if she stood up to him I think he'd stop as he's not that brave.

Even though her body language doesn't look completely happy with Ted in the last photo, I don't think Shirley looks like she feels bullied by him. At least not when you took the photo. Also, as you said, if Shirley felt that what he does is completely intolerable, and she knows he can't get up on the wardrobe, but she can, then it doesn't make sense that she chooses to continue to sleep on the sofa, where he easily can get to her.

In your shoes, I would get a Feliway Diffuser, and see if that maybe mellows his playing methods a bit.

We tried one of those and it didn't do a huge amount - she's certainly not cowering around the house because of him, she's just behaving normally really as far as cats go, but some days he's bad and some days he behaves and I feel sorry for her when he's being a d!ck! I don't know if realistically I could bring myself to rehome him, but YCBM's post about her cat suddenly being 1000% happier when their other cat died plays on my mind and makes me wonder if she's going to spend the next 20 years being quietly miserable - especially as my previous cats which we had for 24 years used to really snuggle and always looked so happy doing it.

 

[Honey08]

My pair can be a bit like that if it’s bad weather and they’re not going out as much. They’re brother and sister. They don’t spend much time together when it’s nice and they’re outside. But everything changes once it gets cold and they become snuggle buddies again.
(They sleep in the utility and she often sleeps up on top of the fridge freezer where he can’t get. She’s more agile than him)

 

[SEL]

My litter mates were OK together (Ben & Geri) but they were abandoned very young - still had blue eyes - so perhaps a different bond. Ben got a lot bigger than Geri but he was quite meek and she wasn't.

Not long after I rescued Missy when I lived in Birmingham (feral very young cat who turned up in my garden) my neighbour got a kitten called Keith. She had a terrier so wanted something feisty and he came from a farm litter. She tried to secure her garden but he was over the fence at 10 weeks and used to play with Missy - it was really cute. But Keith grew into an enormous hunter and Missy never got very big and was finding his play quite rough by the time we moved. I'd still find them asleep together on my sofa when I'd get back from work but she showed no signs of missing him when we moved.

(FYI when I say Keith was a good hunter he could bring down a magpie on the wing. Our rat problem vanished quickly and I caught him stalking the Canadian geese with intent )