Ended the Share - Am I a horrible person???

UnaB

UnaB

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Some of you may well remember that a couple of months ago i somewhat reluctantly took on a share for my wonderful pony Charlie. I had put the ad up about 8 months ago when i was on a livery yard, unemployed due to redundancy and in need of some help financially with the horses. Anyway, in April i moved my horses back to the rented fields i was in last year (had moved them to the livery yard whilst the field was refenced) which is about £100 a month cheaper, and i got a new job in May so financially i am much better off. When i moved them back i'd taken all the ads down for Charlie... Or so i thought!! I must have missed one!! Cos a young girl emailed me and she seemed really nice and was very very keen to come and ride Charlie so i relented lol! She got on well with him so i thought we'd give it a try!

Anyway... She has been a wonderful sharer, really looked after him well, but if im honest, its been more hassle than its worth :( I have one saddle between the two horses, and sharer doesnt drive as she's only 16 so if i wanted the saddle (which i'd allowed her to take as i have no tack room as its literally just 3 fields i rent!!) i had to ring/text her, find out when she wasnt riding and go around to pick it up then take it all back after i'd ridden. It felt a bit awkward to do it, and was a pain in the a$$ as i couldnt just do as i'd always done and decide randomly i wanted to go for a hack and off I'd go! I had to plan it about a day in advance... So, i ended up only riding my horse once in the 2 months (i think!) share, which is not what i had planned!! It felt like i was the sharer, not the owner lol!! My own fault, but i couldnt see a better way of doing it as sharer couldnt get to mine to pick the tack up!!

There was also a situation last week involving the cows on my fields that i posted about. Thankfully everything turned out ok, but on hearing more information about what happened in the following days, it is very clear that things could have turned out much differently, and the sharer or her mum who was there that day could have been very, very seriously injured. I think my set up now, especially have a young, unpredictable horse (mine) in the field with the one she was sharing was just not a good situation and i thought it was best to end the share sooner rather than later to avoid her getting too attached to the horse. I had doubts right from the start as to whether it would be do-able, and in hindsight i should have gone with my gut and not even let her come and try him. I rang her saturday to end the share and she didnt seem very happy, went sunday to pick the tack up and i had to deal with her mum as she wouldnt come to speak to me :( Her mum also told me that during the incident with the cows she had had some very unpleasant words with the farmer i rent the fields from, which i hadnt known about before. But, given how hard it is to get grazing around here, that would have pushed me to ending the share anyway as i couldnt afford to lose my fields over it and from what she said it was a very, very heated argument and it would have caused a lot of friction between them and the field owner. Her mum was convinced that was why i'd ended the share (despite me not having known anything about it!!) so i assume it was very bad..

Anyway, now i feel awful cos the girl is apparently gutted and spent all day sunday in bed crying according to her mum. But i do still feel that i made the right decision, no matter how unpleasant it was. And im finally able to ride when i want again, so in a completely selfish way, im happier...

What do you guys think? Have i been really mean to the poor young girl?? I do feel evil and felt really terrible when her mum was going on to me about how awful it was for her daughter and how gutted she was about it. She really is a very good sharer but i think it was just completely the wrong situation, and i know ive learned that its not do-able as things are. Hopefully she will have appreciated and enjoyed the couple of months riding she got out of it though when she cheers up a bit!!! I have also offered to provide any references/recommendation if needed for a future share or loan which i think is fair..
 
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You havent been mean at all - this is YOUR horse! The reasons you have described, i.e. not convenient, field situation, poss arguments with the farmer are things you have to deal with, and your sharer does not.

I was heartbroken when Mandy, who I shared for 8 months, went to a new home, but much as I dont want to admit, I did come to terms with it! :o Mandy is now in a lovely home, and I am happy for her.

Sorry for the long reply, but in short, the sharer will get over it. I did, so can she!

xxTG
 
she needs to get over it. the point of sharing is that it isnt THEIR horse, its YOURS. Also, although I realise you didnt know this at the time, being rude to your YO is NOT on.

Also, the saddle situation was totally unacceptable. Her mum should have been dropping it back over to you.

Dont worry, she sounds a little spoilt. xxxx
 
if you feel really bad, how about sending her a nice letter saying how well she looked after horse etc and your original reasons for ending the arrangement (perhaps not mention the farmer incident) you could take letter round with a little gift, box chocs etc, she is after all only a kid and that may help her feel better. ok call me a softy!!!!!!!but thats what i would do.:D:D
 
Its really hard isn't it. We had a pony that we loaned to someone last year. It was kept at our yard on DIY, but it didn't work out. We felt like we had taken on another child rather than lost having to care for one pony, so eventually we gave them a month's notice (the pony was not being looked after properly, despite several attempts to tell them). I told them about a yard that would suit them for part livery, and offered to help them find a pony to buy. They stormed off that day with their noses in the air calling us for being awful to their child. They bought a pony themselves without any help (which turned out to be a complete nightmare) and kept it at the yard I'd suggested, where the owner complained to me about all the things I'd been fed up about (ie leaving pony without water, or with forks in stable..) They have never spoken to me since. I thought I did a lot for them while they were with us - lifts to PC, free lessons (I'm an instructor), yet they never said thanks!

At the end of the day, you were in a similar situation - its not the child's fault, but its not yours either. You shouldn't have to chase after saddles - her mother ought to have brought it back to you.. The parents are always quick to tell you how upset the kids are, and I do feel sorry for them, however at the end of the day, you are the owner, and you decide.

She needs to find a sharer at a livery yard where there is easier access and storage. They will find something - don't feel bad.x
 
flamehead said:
Dont worry, she sounds a little spoilt. xxxx
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Thats a little on the harsh side IMO. You can state that its not their horse and they understand that, but it doesn't change the fact this girl probably cared for the horse as if it was her own. You can't just turn emotions off. I would have been just as upset if the owner of the pony I shared as a teenager made the decision to end it. I loved that pony as if she was my own, and had a great bond with her. Of course the girl is upset.

To the original poster. I think you've made the right call. It wasn't working for you, and ending it now will have saved pain later on for both of you. The girl will be upset (and consequently her mother worried and protective as you have seen) but she will also get over it in time, as all teenagers do when their ponies are sold. It'll just take a little time.

In the meantime, what you could possible do is write her a letter making sure she knows that it was nothing to do with her standard of riding or care of the pony. At the moment she is probably wondering what she did wrong, and as far as I can tell she was perfect (her Mother fought with the YO not her), so it might be wise to re-assure her of this and reiterate your offer of references. You could also mention that if you hear of anything suitable going you'll let her know.

You're not a horrible person at all. You're just in a sad situation :(
 
Oh bless her - I don't think you're being mean, but I can understand that she must be gutted:(

I would send her a nice message, and offer to keep your eye out for another more suitable horse for her.
 
What, refusing to talk to the owner isn't a bit spoilt? My mum woulda smacked my butt if I'd refused to speak to someone.
 
Sharing is not ownership. When people go for sharing a horse they should understand that all the sharing thing can't last forever. I think her mum should have known better than to let the girl share a pony if she was that sensitive.
 
Thanks for the replies! I was quite upset to hear of the argument with my YO tbh as they are the nicest people, will do anything for anyone, very religious and believe that they should help out anyone who needs it, which is why they let me rent the land for a fraction of what i'd normally expect to pay around here. So, I wouldnt want anyone dealing with my horses to argue with them, no matter what the situation as they do so much for me and always keep an eye on my horses when im not there. I dont know the exact details of the argument as i've only heard one side of it, but i dont want anything to risk me losing my fields.

I know she will get over it, i guess she's just a bit upset. She has just done her GCSEs and has about 2 months off and i know she was planning to be riding Charlie everyday and spending time with him and stuff, so i feel bad about that. But, on the other hand hes an old horse now so he probably would be happier having an easier life again lol

I did send her an email last night to tell her that it wasnt anything to do with her that i'd ended the share and that she had looked after him really well etc etc etc. I've not heard back from her and im not sure i will, but hopefully that will cheer her up a bit. I think she is just young, upset and probably angry with me lol.l
 
splashgirl45 said:
if you feel really bad, how about sending her a nice letter saying how well she looked after horse etc and your original reasons for ending the arrangement (perhaps not mention the farmer incident) you could take letter round with a little gift, box chocs etc, she is after all only a kid and that may help her feel better. ok call me a softy!!!!!!!but thats what i would do.:D:D
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I think thats a really nice idea and if it was me who had lost a share i think i would really apprecite the thought. even if she is a bit spoilt she has just lost a share in a horse that she obviously cared about so is probably feeling very sad.
I think you have done the right thing, you cant sacrifice your riding, and letting her look after the tack etc so you have to run around to get it so that you can ride etc is not ever going to work out long term as it is a lot to ask for you.
Also, its one of the important things that you have to keep in the back of your mind when loaning/shareing is that the person loaning/sharing may have a change in circumstances etc which meant that sharing/loaning is not an option any more so the loan/share may be taken away.
Just like those that loan/share out have to be prepared for their horse to come back from its loan at any time or their sharer to decided to give up their share etc.
Its a bit of an awfull situation for you all. The girl is upset, you feel bad etc. But at the end of the day, you gave it a go, it hasent really worked out and so rather than let it carry on not working out you have done the sensible thing and called it a day before its got out of hand and you have stopped riding completely because of the hassle to get your saddle.

She will get over it in time and its a really nice thing to do to offer to provide references.
Also the choccies/letter may be a nice touch just to help soften the blow.
 
When I read your prior posts about the saddle sharing I thought that it couldnt really work well but werent you buying another saddle for your young horse? If you bought the saddle then that problem is no longer a problem. With the cow problem that is just a happening that wasnt their fault either and I would think the mum was worried about the horses. It would be normal for who ever was in charge of the horses at the time to raise concerns over the cows creating a nuisance. At the end of the day the horses belong to you and if you are doing to ride them and do all the work for them then that is up to you. I feel sorry for the young girl as she sounds like she really cared for your other horse and I imagine the ending of the share as abruptly as you did it would have upset her.
 
I am planning to buy a new saddle for my youngster, but its not something im going to be able to afford for a few months as i have some debts to pay off from having financial troubles from being unemployed, not a huge amount but imi not on a brilliant salary now so it will take a few months to be in the position to pay out for a saddle and also as the saddle im currently using is a very good fit, it is not a huge priority for me.

I dont think any of it is their fault, i hope my post didnt come across like that as it wasnt my intention at all. What i was trying to say is that the set up i have for my horses at the moment is very different to what i had when i was advertising for a sharer and it is not really suitable for what they wanted and having the cows there is bad enough normally, but with my youngster having a very bad fear of cows and her subsequent panic when one was herded through her field (which i cant blame her for!!) could have left someone injured or killed had she got loose and bolted and run into someone. It just isnt worth the risk to me, and i do admit that it is my fault and i shouldnt have gone ahead with the share when i had concerns originally. But, I can only apologise to the sharer (and i did, via her mum) and hope that when she gets over it she will appreciate the time she did have riding.
 
The share just wasn't working for you, the horse's owner. Yes, it's very sad for the girl, but I'm sure if she's anything like I was, she will spend the next weeks searching everywhere for another share, one that suits her and the horse's owner.

You were in an impossible position, just thru having a kind nature. sm x
 
jaypeebee said:
I feel sorry for the young girl as she sounds like she really cared for your other horse and I imagine the ending of the share as abruptly as you did it would have upset her.
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I just re-read your post and i dont really understand the criticism at the end there. Yes, i ended it abruptly, but what else was i supposed to do in that situation?? It would have been silly to give her a week/2week/month notice as the whole reason for ending it is cos i didnt feel it was suitable for her to be there...!

I didnt feel bad for that specifically before, but now i do!lol Possibly i did handle it wrong, but im not sure what else i could have done to end it less abruptly?


ETA: I've looked after my horses by my self for the last 10+ years and have continued to look after them during the share, i would never leave their care up to someone else as they are my horses and my responsibility, so having to look after them myself is not an issue, as theres no change there lol!! The girl was literally riding and grooming, not "caring" for the horse as such :)
 
Its not a criticism. The horses belong to you and you can do what you like with them and chose who rides them but that doesnt change that I still feel sorry for the girl having a horse to ride one day and no horse to ride the next day. Dont worry about it she will get over it.
 
jaypeebee said:
Its not a criticism. The horses belong to you and you can do what you like with them and chose who rides them but that doesnt change that I still feel sorry for the girl having a horse to ride one day and no horse to ride the next day. Dont worry about it she will get over it.
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I do too.

So, what do you suggest would have been a better solution?


P.S. Im not a riding school lol!
 
To be honest, yes I think you have been a bit mean to a 16 year old. However you should of probably thought bout that at the very beginning. The saddle situation is far from ideal (does one saddle really fit both?), and if it was affecting your riding time then you have done the right thing. do you know exactly what the arguement with the YO was about?

Im a sharer and would be gutted if they told me I could no longer share the big pink beastie.........

I think a letter would be nice, shes 16, loved your pony (from your other posts), and didnt really do anything wrong .....
 
shysmum said:
The share just wasn't working for you, the horse's owner. Yes, it's very sad for the girl, but I'm sure if she's anything like I was, she will spend the next weeks searching everywhere for another share, one that suits her and the horse's owner.

You were in an impossible position, just thru having a kind nature. sm x
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I am sure she will find another horse as people are always looking for reliable sharers :D Its so easy to get attached to horses and im just gutted that she seemed to get so attached to mine so quickly, I think thats why i feel so bad as i can imagine i'd be heartbroken in her position.
 
lexiedhb said:
To be honest, yes I think you have been a bit mean to a 16 year old. However you should of probably thought bout that at the very beginning. The saddle situation is far from ideal (does one saddle really fit both?), and if it was affecting your riding time then you have done the right thing. do you know exactly what the arguement with the YO was about?

Im a sharer and would be gutted if they told me I could no longer share the big pink beastie.........

I think a letter would be nice, shes 16, loved your pony (from your other posts), and didnt really do anything wrong .....
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Yeah, the saddle has been checked by a saddler and is fine on both, made for one and thoroughly checked for the other, though is brown so looks a bit rubbish on the black one lol!!

Like i said, i had concerns from the very beginning (didnt let her come and try him out wiithout much insistance on her behalf!!) and in hindsight it was wrong to go ahead with it, but i had hoped the saddle situation would be easier to get around but it was much more of a hassle than i expected. But, had everything else have gone smoothly i'd have put up with losing out on riding time, but it was the events last week that pushed me to end it as i'd have never forgiven myself if anyone had got hurt and from what i have subsequently been told by sharer and her mum, it came pretty close!!! She did nothing wrong, and i have tried to make sure she knows that so i hope she does, but i cant risk having people getting injured by my horses and its just not worth the risk for me, maybe thats harsh but its just how i feel.

The argument was apparently because sharers mum tried to shut the gate onto the road to make sure Una didnt get out, but YO was trying to get the cow through there so he shouted at her to open it and get out of the way and apparently she shouted back at him. Im sure theres wrong on both sides, and she was only trying to help, but i cant have people yelling at him as i cant lose the fields lol!! But like i said, thats not why i ended the share as i didnt know about that til the day after when i went to pick the tack up and YO hasnt mentioned it to me.
 
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splashgirl45 said:
if you feel really bad, how about sending her a nice letter saying how well she looked after horse etc and your original reasons for ending the arrangement (perhaps not mention the farmer incident) you could take letter round with a little gift, box chocs etc, she is after all only a kid and that may help her feel better. ok call me a softy!!!!!!!but thats what i would do.:D:D
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^^^ this and could she ride Charlie if/when you are on holiday?
 
happyhack said:
^^^ this and could she ride Charlie if/when you are on holiday?
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I dont have holidays unfortunately lol!!

I have said to her mum that if she wants to take him to any local shows just let me know (but she'd have to speak to me to do that lol!!) so maybe she will but im not holding my breath. I have a feeling i wont hear from her again :(
 
Well, if she doesnt contact me i will probably leave it TBH, she cant be that keen to do it if she doesnt speak to me again lol. And im sure she is horse hunting right now so she may well find a new horse to ride very soon so might not want to ride Charlie again anyway :) Im not going to pester as its me that ended the share, not her, and i've made the offer so its up to her.
 
Of course she's gutted, I don't know what I'd do if my share ended!! (I doubt it will...fingers crossed...!) But this doesn't, in any way, make you a horrible person - its your horse at the end of the day, and if things weren't easy for you, it'd be unfair to expect you to keep at it.
The reference thing was a nice idea, and also the local show thing, good for you for offering! The letter is a good suggestion as she is likely to be wondering what went wrong.
But don't worry, it'll get easier for her and from what you've said about her, she is likely to find another horse to share quite easily - hopefully her mum won't start any more arguments! :)
 
Should i do a letter as well, or should i just leave it with the email i sent last night?? It kinda seems a bit weird to send her an email AND a letter lol!

I dont think her mum started the argument, i just dont think she liked the YO raising his voice to her and in the heat of the moment words were exchanged that perhaps wouldnt have been in less stressful situations.

Thanks for the replies though everyone. Some have cheered me up and some have made me think of ways i could deal with it better if im in a similar situation in the future... you never know!!
 
UnaB said:
Should i do a letter as well, or should i just leave it with the email i sent last night?? It kinda seems a bit weird to send her an email AND a letter lol!

I dont think her mum started the argument, i just dont think she liked the YO raising his voice to her and in the heat of the moment words were exchanged that perhaps wouldnt have been in less stressful situations.

Thanks for the replies though everyone. Some have cheered me up and some have made me think of ways i could deal with it better if im in a similar situation in the future... you never know!!
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Still I think I'd have been so embarrassed if my mum had ever shouted at our YO - no sorry the email should be fine, I havent read all posts!! The ball's in her court now, the offers there.
I think you've handled it very well - its not like you've cut her off completely and you've acknowledged that she cared for your horse very well :)
 
Ahh, ok! :D Thank you :) Hopefully she will reply to the email.. She still has the bridle, girth and breastplate/martingale that her mum didnt have so i hope she will...!!!lol But im not convinced.

I did say to her mum that if she doesnt decide to find riding elsewhere and would like to ride Charlie that she is more than welcome to ring me to arrange a day i can be there and stuff so i have tried to keep it on good terms, i made a point of saying that i hope she wont think that she's not to see Charlie again and that she is welcome to ring me if she does want to see him or ride him. I dont think i can do anymore and hopefully that seems fair, i still feel like a b!tch but i have tried to be as accommodating as possible as i know how gutted i'd be in her position.
 
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