Feeling crappy, hard to title post WWYD?

Mongoose11

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Having a crap time at the minute. To try and give some context to my thoughts...

Feel like I can only focus on a few things in my life at once
Really busy job with long hours in the week and some weekend work
Really need to push on with weight loss before fertility doctor discharges me
Feel like I haven't got time for everything
Dont want to do anything unless it is perfect so sometimes I don't even try

So, I feel like I should be focussing all of my time and energy on trying to get myself into a position where I can have fertility treatment, but I'm not doing it. Even though it is what I want. Why? Surely, at 33 and with four years of infertility behind me I should be making it an absolute priority? It's like I can only really push myself in one or two areas at a time, anything more and I go into melt down and give up on everything (this week has been a perfect example of that).

I don't know what the answer is here, but I am back to feeling like I should do something with Olive. Another sharer perhaps. She dominates my time and my thinking and I think I need other things to come to the fore, I leave for work at 6.45am and I usually get to the yard at about 6pm, by the time I then get home I have work to prep and it's a quick dog walk, cook tea and go to bed. I already have a sharer who does 2 day in the week.

Perhaps I'm kidding myself that I'm too busy and I'm just lazy? I just feel like it's the brain space I need to find not necessarily physical energy...

Something HAS to give, but I don't know how or what.

Anybody? I am sorry for the themed posts from me of late, but I do feel at a bit of a crisis point...
 
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lula

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Really dont know what to say. Sounds like you certainly have too much on your plate at the moment. Would you consider selling or putting your horse on loan for a few months while you work things out in other areas of your life? if your fertility treatment is successful, and i pray for you that it is, add a baby into the mix and you might find it very difficult to have time for a horse anyway.

Sit down, and figure out what it is you really want and prioritise before your give yourself a breakdown.
Be kinder to yourself.

sorry i cant help more.
 

ozpoz

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You sound over stretched,tbh. and it is very hard to prioritize "me" time(even thinking time)in that situation.
You probably don't want to do this, but why not rough her off and chuck her out for a while. It won't do her any harm. : )
You could use that time to re charge and then you'll be in a much better position to realize your goals.
Can you take a holiday yourself? It can be so difficult to decide what is best for you when you are working flat out with no down time.
 
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ArabianGem78

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I feel your pain to a point. Whilst I am single and therefore fertility is most definitely not on my list of priorities, I am working very long hours. Leave home at 7am, home at 8pm at the earliest. I'm also trying to study for an MA. I own two horses and training for endurance isn't exactly doable with 30 min rides....

So I have loaned out my older horse for a while. I miss her dreadfully but she's in an amazing home and I have time to enjoy my mare again. I also decided to put competing to one side for this season. Hopefully, wor will settle down over the winter and we can pick up again next year. Heaven help if I meet an eligible bachelor as I don't know where I can squeeze him in, as it were...

My point I guess is that you have to first of all, give yourself a break! Then figure out what you need to do short-term make things easier and give yourself some breathing space. Things will change at some point: it won't always be this tough!
 

Mongoose11

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Thank you ^^ I should say that as a Deputy Head I am still on my six week hols, but I have worked quite a lot over that time. I gave myself two clear weeks off at the start and have been in most days since so the pressure has been off a little mentally.

It's thrown me today because we went to a Church Fete this morning and I wandered over to hear my Husband talking to an artist (she had a stall there) about whether she could do a wildlife mural in our spare room (nursery to be). He had bought one of her paintings with butterflies/insects and then said to me that perhaps if we decorated the nursery it might spur me on. He has barely spoken a word about it for almost a year and this has thrown me into a spin.

I feel like I should be making my health and future family a priority and I'm not. The horse/work is my priority in terms of time and head space and I'm wondering if I need to get a grip!

I wondered whether to advertise for another sharer and just see what comes my way?

Just realised how ironic this post is. A post about not having enough time, posted on a forum on which I spend plenty of time.... There's my answer!?
 
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zaminda

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I always find I need a goal to motivate myself. As I'm not competing much this year to a variety of factors, I'm finding myself less motivated to ride.
Don't shoot me for this, but are you less motivated o the fertility side because your career is going well?
 

WelshD

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I'm so sorry you feel this way :(

I can't help on the fertility thing but was discharged from a weight control programme because i didnt work at it and have regretted that since - the NHS arent particularly forgiving (which is fair enough!)

I felt really overwhelmed a couple of months back but forced myself to get 'energised' and do stuff rather than be lathargic and am back on running my day on automatic mode, sometimes being busy keeps everything in balance and if you stop to dwell on it things fall apart - not very constructive and i'm sure many will disagree with that thinking
 

Yertis

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I don't mean to be rude but do you actually want children for yourself or is it something you feel you should do for your marriage? sometimes if we feel pushed into something it is all too easy to do things that make it harder for that thing to happen, i.e. weight makes it harder to conceive, working long hours means you aren't relaxed so harder to conceive. Think you need to stop the whirlwind of your life and decide what you actually want to do rather what you feel you should do.
 

Mongoose11

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I always find I need a goal to motivate myself. As I'm not competing much this year to a variety of factors, I'm finding myself less motivated to ride.
Don't shoot me for this, but are you less motivated o the fertility side because your career is going well?
Your last point is spot on. I am frightened to be honest, I wonder how having a baby will fit in with my career and the horse and I have an awful feeling that Olive might end up having to go. Something will have to give as I barely have any time as it is. I do think that is a factor behind me subconsciously stalling everything. It's stupid though, I still have a long way to go before having an assisted pregnancy. I think it is madness for me to continue in this way.
 

springtime1331

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I work in education in senior middle management, it's as far as I could go career wise if I want to continue working my horse and fitting in family time. Last year I was seconded to the senior leadership team and I really struggled with fitting everything in. My tuppence would be; what's more important to you - horse or career? If its horses, maybeit's worth stepping down to a lower level position leaving you more time?
 

Mongoose11

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I don't mean to be rude but do you actually want children for yourself or is it something you feel you should do for your marriage? sometimes if we feel pushed into something it is all too easy to do things that make it harder for that thing to happen, i.e. weight makes it harder to conceive, working long hours means you aren't relaxed so harder to conceive. Think you need to stop the whirlwind of your life and decide what you actually want to do rather what you feel you should do.
I've always desperately wanted children. Deep down I just knew I wasn't going to conceive easily, I just knew it. So then why isn't it my absolute priority....? Why aren't I working out every moment of every day to meet the weight targets set for me?

I adore my horse, to the point of obsession, but I am (I think) starting to resent the time, money and brain space. Particularly as it turns out I'm just not a great rider. I just can not bear the thought of selling her and I think I would regret it until the day I die. I don't think it is a realistic option for me emotionally and I almost resent that too. As if I am stuck with her because I love her too much.. Does that make any sense?
 
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zaminda

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If its any consolation, my sister in law now has 3, and a very good job to boot.
Maybe look at losing the weight for you, taking the fertility issues out of the equation.
As for Olive, you may find a suitable loan home locally if you do find yourself starting a family.
Hope you start feeling more settled, its not easy, I often find writing it down, or talking it through with good friends very therapeutic!
 

Landcruiser

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Oh, my word. I do feel your pain. I was a primary school teacher and struggled through a series of early miscarriages, until finally I cracked, and left teaching. A few months later, I fell pregnant again and managed to carry my son to a successful birth (aged 42). I didn't have horses back then, but have two now so know the time commitment there too. I also understand the focus thing...I too can't seem to focus on more than one thing at once, and there is often so much to do I can't seem to start any of it...or I diddle around starting bits of stuff but moving on to the next thing before the first is finished, so nothing really gets properly done. Look at me now, sitting typing, when I have a jobs list a mile long.......I think it's something to do with being overwhelmed.

It sounds to me like fear of failure may be stopping you getting going with the fertility treatment. I'm sure you recognize this too. It seems that your husband probably does too, hence he's not pushed you...but the mural thing is a roundabout (and kindly intended) way of saying he wants to get on with it. As I'm writing, I realise that you are making excuses NOT to make a start - very understandably. Things are going to get a whole lot more difficult once term starts, and it will be easy to get stuck into work and let the fertility/weight issues take a back seat once more. I think you need to talk to your husband about how you both really feel...your fears...your hopes...your difficulties.

In your position, I think I'd consider another sharer, or a loan for your horse. You can't be doing her justice, and she's just one more big thing to worry about right now.

Now I'd better get off my procrastinating bum and get on with something.
Good luck x
 

jendie

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It sounds as though you are in a very tough place and I'm sorry. I think you are stretched too far and something has to give, maybe getting another sharer for your horse or even letting her go on loan would be part of the solution. Fertility treatment is no walk in the park and you might find you aren't able to give her the time she needs once that gets underway. Put yourself first for a while and , above all, learn to be kind to yourself!! I empathise when you talk about your need to be 'perfect' because I'm exactly the same. If it ain't perfect I'd rather give up on it. It is a ridiculous attitude. When I was studying for my MSc I knew that if I didn't get a distinction I would have 'failed'. Luckily I managed to get the distinction but looking back I realise how stupid I was being and how much I lost because of it, I could have really enjoyed the course if I hadn't put myself under such pressure. It is OK to be OK, you don't need to be perfect. When you are a little less stressed you'll find it a lot easier to lose the weight. Aiming to lose weight when you are so strung out and working such long days would be impossible for anyone.
 

Mongoose11

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It sounds to me like fear of failure may be stopping you getting going with the fertility treatment. I'm sure you recognize this too. It seems that your husband probably does too, hence he's not pushed you...but the mural thing is a roundabout (and kindly intended) way of saying he wants to get on with it. As I'm writing, I realise that you are making excuses NOT to make a start - very understandably. Things are going to get a whole lot more difficult once term starts, and it will be easy to get stuck into work and let the fertility/weight issues take a back seat once more. I think you need to talk to your husband about how you both really feel...your fears...your hopes...your difficulties.

x
Thank you. I hadn't dared to write that down and it's easier coming from someone else. While I'm still too fat for IVF it's an answer, it's what will get me my baby. If I lose the weight and I start the process it may not work and I may never get my baby. I think that is how I feel which is why I keep sabotaging everything.

Which is also why I don't want to give up Olive. I think I might write an advert and see what comes. I have to make having a family a priority.
 
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HBrae2

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When I have too much happening I can't think and go into melt down so I think you're perfectly normal and everything's just getting a bit on top of you.

When I am unwell I need time alone in a peaceful environment to stop everything just going round and round in my head. As you are technically on holiday from work I would strongly suggest that you go somewhere else for a couple of days. Ask the sharer if she can look after your horse an extra day or two and explain to your husband that you love him and just need a couple of days quiet time. Then decide where to go. If your mum is around that's a good choice as mums tend to understand. If not then book somewhere quiet and peaceful in the country / sea side to stay and go for some quiet walks. Things will seem clearer and your heart will tell you what is best for you. I don't want children of my own (I like children, I just can't handle the idea of the stress and responsibility) and there is no shame in changing your mind about a baby. If having a baby is important to you then time quietly on your own can allow you to set yourself realistic and achievable goals regarding your weight. You can also set out everything you find "too much" and ask your husband to help more (like making a healthy tea or doing more house work). You can acheive everything you want in life and you will be happy, just believe in yourself and that everything will be fine. Make sure you have time to yourself and things will be clearer. Good luck and big hugs, and don't apologise, we all feel low sometimes x
 

DabDab

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Oh, I'm sorry you're in a pickle x It certainly does sound like something's got to give... If you don't mind me asking - if/when you had a child, would you go part time at work? I sense that if there wasn't such a question mark over you getting pregnant then you would find it easier to make lifestyle decisions now - because ultimately everything else would come second to having/raising a child I presume...?
 

Mongoose11

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Oh, I'm sorry you're in a pickle x It certainly does sound like something's got to give... If you don't mind me asking - if/when you had a child, would you go part time at work? I sense that if there wasn't such a question mark over you getting pregnant then you would find it easier to make lifestyle decisions now - because ultimately everything else would come second to having/raising a child I presume...?
Everything else would come second. No, I wouldn't be able to go part time even though I would love to. My husband would have my dream job of being at home with the little one :)
 

Polos Mum

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Working out what really makes you happy is actually very difficult - many many people don't know what truely makes them happy and you may need quite a bit of time and space to work it out.

You can have horses and kids but you do need a huge amount of support to do it and it's not easy. Equally one of the great things about our sport is that you can keep doing it until your retired and after! Look at that guy in the olympics at 70 I seem to recall!

There is a time limit on children but not on horses, yours will be fine on loan or taking a year out on grass livery so if you want children make an active choice to put horses to one side for a short while rather than feel constantly guilty you're not doing enough with her.
 

Toz

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If you don't mind me asking, is your husband currently employed? If yes, is the plan for him to stop working and look after the little one, assuming all goes to plan and everything goes ahead? What if your husband were to carry on working, then you could stop your job, focus on horse for as long as you are able to, look after little one, then maybe when baby is a bit older, or you feel ready, could you get a part time job? I know this would completely muddle your plans, but you would stop work soon and have time to clear your head, and get your dream job of looking after your little one. Just a suggestion, a different perspective on the matter
Good luck in whatever you decide
:)
 

m1stify

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Would it be a good idea to have a few counselling sessions perhaps? I think we are all guilty of pressing the "self destruct" button at some stage in our lives and it might be worth finding out why. Best wishes to you!
 

DabDab

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Everything else would come second. No, I wouldn't be able to go part time even though I would love to. My husband would have my dream job of being at home with the little one :)
Well in that case it sounds like the only thing that you can afford to give up is Olive, unfortunately :(
 

Highlands

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It's start of ...end of term time. Always stressful bring DH must be really stressful. You are in a spiral, busy, stressed, wanting to be pregnant not... Busy worried etc.

Can't help but I feel for you, just remember your job may be important but your life is worth more
 

Mongoose11

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If you don't mind me asking, is your husband currently employed? If yes, is the plan for him to stop working and look after the little one, assuming all goes to plan and everything goes ahead? What if your husband were to carry on working, then you could stop your job, focus on horse for as long as you are able to, look after little one, then maybe when baby is a bit older, or you feel ready, could you get a part time job? I know this would completely muddle your plans, but you would stop work soon and have time to clear your head, and get your dream job of looking after your little one. Just a suggestion, a different perspective on the matter
Good luck in whatever you decide
:)
He is self employed. When we started trying for a baby he was in a job that he hated and we could afford for him to give up and try to build a business of his own. We always knew that as I earned four times what he did it would be him at home with the baby. He has enough work that it pays for our food, fuel, sundries, Olive's livery, but we could absorb it if he stopped working completely. We have 'almost' discussed him going back to work full time and then I end the conversation with a heartbreaking 'well let's leave it, a baby might come along soon'. He quit almost three years ago, we really thought it would be an 'any day now' baby.

It's just not possible for me to give up my job. I think I would be willing to take a step backwards once I have had a baby, but I would never be in a position where I could not work as it's my career that keeps us with out home.

Thank you to everyone who is replying. It is helping me think it through.
 

Cinnamontoast

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Could your husband go back to work for a bit? Not in the job he hated, but maybe in a gym or something? Bet you you'd get pregnant immediately!! You have to take the pressure off, you know stressing over it makes everything worse.

I'd ask your sharer if she wants to go up a few days and don't go up at all if it's her day. Can you use part livery to ease the pressure? I've left mine out for three days now, just went up to fly spray, give treats and check him and his mate over-bliss, no early guilty mornings worrying about him being in/out etc. Would you put Olive on loan at her yard so you could go up sometimes?

Would you be prepared to take a demotion? I frankly couldn't cope with the pressure of deputy, head of fac is quite enough! Are you primary or secondary?
 

Landcruiser

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So being too fat for IVF is a "safe" place.

You are afraid to make that step outside the safe place...it won't be an easy step...but the safe place isn't a comfortable place to be either. The longer you stay, the less comfortable it gets. You want a child. The clock is ticking. You are full of guilt, and there are lots of pressures on you. You know you must make the first step...but you are afraid.

There are internet forums for people who are going through the same sorts of things. When I had my miscarriages, a forum called MML saved my life (Multiple Miscarriage something...I don't even remember the name...my son is nearly 11 now). You need support...a counselor would help you, but have a look around the internet too.

Hugs x
 

Persephone

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Billie, you say you always knew you would not conceive easily. Do you think subconsciously you know IVF could fail, but if you don't actually start the process then the control over destiny is still in your hands?

Once you have lost the weight, got everything else sorted, and got on the programme you can'y really change what happens.

Can you have some counselling to get things ordered in your head? Might be helpful.

Sorry if any of that seems hard, I have tried to make it make sense x
 

pottamus

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Landcruiser has hit the nail on the hear really. Fear of failure is so very hampering, even if you are not aware of it. When you truly want something you will move heaven and earth to get it and be motivated towards it no matter what. I am not saying you do not want it enough but something is stopping you from feeling it deep down and that may be fear of failure.
I know it wont solve all your problems for you, but the following chap talks a lot of sense on motivation and getting going with things that have stalled...worth a read. But I do think you need to chat to your husband too.
www.jamesclear.com
 
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