Feeling down/Choosing the wrong horse.

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FionaM12

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Over two years ago, I got my beloved Mollie horse. :) I had huge problems with her, which I came here for advice about and will always be grateful for the lovely support I got.

I had returned to riding after a nearly 35 year health-enforced gap and had a few lessons, then rode out on a local farmer's horse twice a week. I used to take a four year old 15.2 hh mare and hack out alone for a couple of hours, round the countryside, town and park, happy and confident.

Then I decided that, lovely as that was, I needed my own horse again. :redface3: So more than three decades after I last owned a horse, I set about looking for a quiet, sensible but fun large pony/small horse for a creaky lady in my 50s and my very novice daughter.

Some of you may remember that I ended up with the nervous, quirky, head-shaking but beautiful Mollie. I decided to persevere with her for at least a year. Both myself and my daughter had lessons on her, I found a way of managing her head-shaking, and I investigated her past.

I found out that she'd had a very sad life, including a catastrophic road accident and poll damage, which is almost definitely the cause of her head-shaking and some of her other problems.

At this point, I vowed I'd never allow her to suffer again. Unless I was 100% sure of her fate, she'd stay with me until the end. She's 19. I feel that I promised her that, and I'll keep that promise.

The sad thing is, she's still the wrong horse. :( I really don't enjoy riding much now. I still find her nerve-racking to ride, and I remember wistfully the days when I used to hack out happily on the farmer's big mare. My daughter seems to have given up, and tbh I think she's a little afraid of Mollie. :(

Mollie is happy, and I love her very much. I also love being a horse-owner again and find great satisfaction in seeing her contented and healthy. But I also fantasize about hacking out round the countryside and not feeling on edge the whole time.

If I had my time again I'd do it differently. I know the mistakes I made in choosing Moll and I'd not make them again. But at my age (57) it's not likely I'll get the chance to do it again. I can't afford a second horse or to pay for rides like I used to, I only just afford Moll's keep.

I'm not seeking advice, I don't expect anyone to solve the problem for me. I'm just feeling a little sad that after all those years when I couldn't go near horses, I had a chance again yet don't enjoy riding. :(

Just getting it off my chest really....
 
That's so sad but at least Mollie has a good home.

What have you done to ease her poll problem? My vet does acupuncture, I've seen some real differences made by it, I wonder if that might help.
 
Pearlsasinger said:
That's so sad but at least Mollie has a good home.

What have you done to ease her poll problem? My vet does acupuncture, I've seen some real differences made by it, I wonder if that might help.
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She seems fine as long as she doesn't have to wear a browband, and has a nose net in summer. She's still quite head shy but much better than she was. She's terrified of trailers (the accident was in one) but as we don't go anywhere, that doesn't really matter.

I ride her in a bitless bridle with no browband and a nosenet. It looks a bit odd, but we don't care! :D However some days she's ridiculously nervous, shying at shadows even in the arena she goes in almost every day. I do ride her, but I find it very hard to cope with her shying and leaping about. It's worse on some days than others.
 
That would put me off too!

I found out about 3 years ago that I no longer bounce and am really too old to be falling off, so I bought a horse that I would absolutely have to throw myself off, if I wanted an unscheduled dismount - and then I think I'd get a disapproving glare.

What do you feed Mollie on?
 
She's mostly just on grass in summer and hay/haylage when in and in winter. She has magnesium and brewer's yeast when I can get her to eat it. She has literally a handful of Bailey's Everyday High Fibre mix, just to put her supplements in, and a spoonful of salt. She likes the salt, the magnesium but isn't keen on the brewer's yeast!

I did try her on D & H Safe and Sound as I thought it would be better for her, but she hated it so I gave it away to someone with a less fussy horse! She loves the Baileys and it's only a handful anyway.
 
You have my sympathies as I am in exactly the same boat paying for a field ornament who is perfectly healthy but due to a not great past before I got her caused me to lose my nerve early on with her and although ok on other horses just dont really enjoy riding her, just like you though I do love her and will give her a home for life I just get so fed up and feel like a failure with her. On a more positive note though my friend and I are hopefully going to loan a horse together in the new year as 2 living out is only a bit more than 1 living in so is affordable if sharing the second one.
 
TBH I would take her off everything except the grass for about a month and see if that changes her behaviour. I used to have a mare who couldn't tolerate even the tiniest amount of sugar or cereal, she would be fine and then just get very spooky for no apparent reason. If Mollie has a similar problem you would know within a month of no feed.
 
Pearlsasinger said:
TBH I would take her off everything except the grass for about a month and see if that changes her behaviour. I used to have a mare who couldn't tolerate even the tiniest amount of sugar or cereal, she would be fine and then just get very spooky for no apparent reason. If Mollie has a similar problem you would know within a month of no feed.
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I might try that, although it really is a very tiny amount. When I first came on the forum, someone suggested magnesium and I've been giving it since. She gets through less than two sacks of feed a year, my rabbit used to have bigger feeds! ;)
 
I hate to do it to her, but I might give her some time in the starvation paddock. :( She gets fat this time of year and last August did time in the SP with the yard lami pony. Mollie hated being in there and called out constantly for her friends, even though she likes the lami pony, who loves Mollie.

She's ballooned a bit again at the moment, the grass seems very rich. So it might be time for a spell in the slammer again. :(
 
Mine honestly could not cope with even one Polo. We didn't feed her in summer but just the bits and pieces she got from passersby would set her off. Unless the magnesium has made a difference, there probably isn't much point in continuing with it.
 
Hard to know whether the mag made a difference. She calmed down with time and isn't as bad as when I first got her, but I don't know whether that was the mag or not.
 
FionaM12 said:
...
At this point, I vowed I'd never allow her to suffer again. Unless I was 100% sure of her fate, she'd stay with me until the end. She's 19. I feel that I promised her that, and I'll keep that promise.

The sad thing is, she's still the wrong horse. :( I really don't enjoy riding much now. I still find her nerve-racking to ride, and I remember wistfully the days when I used to hack out happily on the farmer's big mare. My daughter seems to have given up, and tbh I think she's a little afraid of Mollie. :(

Mollie is happy, and I love her very much. I also love being a horse-owner again and find great satisfaction in seeing her contented and healthy. But I also fantasize about hacking out round the countryside and not feeling on edge the whole time.

...
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This is what I thought when I read your post (=not meant as advise): I partly understand this thing, which you're not alone about having done, about vowing to keep a horse until it dies. But partly, I'm also thinking that a horse may live for 30 or 40 years! Marriages are also supposed to be for life, but some people change, or recognises/realises that they've made a mistake, and if that happens, it usually ends in a divorce.

You say that she's still the wrong horse, and that you think that your daughter is afraid of her, but you're still planning to keep your horse for possibly 10 or 20 years, does that really sound sensible to you?
I know that it isn't completely the same, but hypothetically, imagine if this post had been written by Jane Doe, and been about a dog instead of a horse. Jane Doe had written that their dog behaved in such a way, that they think that their daughter is afraid of their dog, and the way it is written, it doesn't sound as if they think that the situation will change. What do you think that your response would have been?


Personally, I think that horse/dog/cat/etc.-owners should not only think about what is best for their animal, they should also think about what is best for them.

But to end on a positive note, I really like Pearlsasinger's advise about trying acupuncture. I worry a little about how my replies sounds when I write on HHO about the affect acupuncture has had on four of my late pets, because I feel that I easily could sound like such an acupuncture-believer, that people will expect me to end my reply with Hallelujah or similar :redface3:. But for example, I've seen it change a cat from struggling to jump up on anything in the morning, such as my bed, the lowest shelf in a cat tree etc., had an acupuncture session during the day, and in the evening, she climbed all the way to the top shelf in a floor to ceiling cat tree, and she jumped up anywhere she wanted without problems.
 
Why not advertise Molly on one of those sites like Horses4homes where you can write an honest essay about the horse., and see what response you get, either for sale or loan. Meanwhile , can you continue riding maybe at a riding school once a week so you feel up to trying other horses when you are able to think about owning another.
 
I would keep her off haylage too as I'm sure that's what turned mine nutty when we were at one yard. Although you don't want advice, please remember that owning a horse is supposed to be fun - it's an extremely expensive hobby for it not to be so.
 
I can understand your stance on giving Molly a home for life and that sounds even more important to you given her history, it is so easy for people who are not you to advise selling her, they are not emotionally attached (been there, done that) so feel your pain!

Try the acupuncture, it's worth a shot, but it sounds like you have found a way round the poll problem & it's more about your confidence when she is spooking, what about some kind of therapy for you, hypnotherapy etc.

If you could ride confidently & get over the spooking then although not the horse for you per say but one in which you get something back from in terms of riding.

Good luck
 
You are in a horrible position, it is not going to be easy whatever you do.

It is not very responsible to sell a 19yo with problems that is not an easy ride - the chances of her landing some amazing, forever home are nil.

Can you afford a second horse if she goes to a grass retirement livery? That would be a good option because it is a shame that you are not enjoying rinding. Riding is not supposed to be a chore or scary (at least not on a daily basis!).

Would you consider PTS? I know it sounds harsh but it wouldn't make an enormous amount of difference to the horse herself and you could get yourself the right horse to ride.
 
10 years + with a horse you and your daughter don't enjoy is a long time and a shame for both of you - I suspect you also run the risk of starting to resent her as she's stopping you enjoying a quiet hack on a sunny summers day.

If you could loan her you'd say in control of key decisions and be able to make sure she was properly looked after while freeing you up to ride a share horse or loan yourself ( I wouldn't but a second as you just never know when loan horses come back!)

I also agree with the below although I fully appreciate it's a lot easier said than done!


Booboos said:
Would you consider PTS? I know it sounds harsh but it wouldn't make an enormous amount of difference to the horse herself and you could get yourself the right horse to ride.
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Also consider that if a horse isn't deficient in magnesium then supplementing with it can make horses tense and spooky.
If she were mine I'd feed absolutely no mix/starch, use hay not haylage and stop the magnesium. Possibly just brewer's yeast for gut function which *can* have a relaxing effect.
Your choice of course, but let's face it you have nothing to lose'
FWIW I've managed two tense spook demons like this (Arab and ArabX) and both responded really well'
Good luck with whatever you decide x
 
Hippona said:
Also consider that if a horse isn't deficient in magnesium then supplementing with it can make horses tense and spooky.
If she were mine I'd feed absolutely no mix/starch, use hay not haylage and stop the magnesium. Possibly just brewer's yeast for gut function which *can* have a relaxing effect.
Your choice of course, but let's face it you have nothing to lose'
FWIW I've managed two tense spook demons like this (Arab and ArabX) and both responded really well'
Good luck with whatever you decide x
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My lad did really well on mag to start with, I then took him off it during winter, put him back on spring and he was so spooky and tense , took him off and within days he was chilled again. Also haylage turns him physco. I would cut right back to something like fastfibre maybe soaked with a small amount of apple juice and brewers yest on a starvation paddock and regular work.

I feel for you and been there done that with the unsuitable horse and its never easy, someone told me you spend more money on a difficult horse and have less joy that you do with a good one and I think it's so true.
 
Pearlsasinger said:
Mine honestly could not cope with even one Polo. We didn't feed her in summer but just the bits and pieces she got from passersby would set her off. Unless the magnesium has made a difference, there probably isn't much point in continuing with it.
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the kids first pony could not even have a scoop of supplement as the sugars in the filler used to make her spooky, she had a bald paddock and soaked hay and she is the best pony in the world on that.
no carrots/apples/polos nothing she was a much happier pony without any sugar in her diet-she is now 22yrs (on loan) and the loaners thought i was exaggerating so tried her on a supplement and got the same response-it makes her very unsettled
 
teasle said:
Why not advertise Molly on one of those sites like Horses4homes where you can write an honest essay about the horse., and see what response you get, either for sale or loan. Meanwhile , can you continue riding maybe at a riding school once a week so you feel up to trying other horses when you are able to think about owning another.
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This

I think lots of us have been in a position when we have somehow partnered up with the wrong horse. We all need to remember sometimes that there are lots of good owners out there and, dare I say it, some would be able to ,love and care for our horses as well as we can. Even with her quirks you may well be able to find her another home. Sometimes a new rider can get a completely different tune out of a horse just because they aren't getting on with the baggage and the fear of 'what if'.

I read this message last night and wasn't quite sure how to reply. Honestly, you are now on your own in feeling this way but life is too short to spend it being miserable. I really hope that you find a way through.
 
Perhaps she's picking up on your nervousness and this is creating a viscous circle? Have you thought about getting some lessons on her?
 
Those saying rehome: I know it's possible there's someone out there who would care for her as well or maybe even better than me. However I'd want to be SO sure, and in the current climate, finding someone to take on a 19 year old head-shaker with no particular talent would be hard to say the least. I don't want to risk her ending up packed off to an auction or being passed from pillar to post like she was before. :(

She'd be a wonderful companion as she's gentle and hardy. If a perfect home came up, I'd consider it. But I think advertising would be too much of a risk.

I won't pts as long as she's happy and healthy. She's my friend and I love her. :redface3:

As I said, we've had lessons. The instructor moved away, but I'm looking into finding a replacement.

Hippona she won't eat brewer's yeast without feed to hide it in! :D

I feel more cheerful now it's not the wee small hours and the sun's shining. After over 3 decades of believing I'd never be able to go near horses again, having a horse again is a joy. I really shouldn't moan. :)
 
I totally agree = to sell a 19 Y/O who's not a superstar at something is too risky - a loan could work out tho. Be worth maybe passing the word around horsey friends, farriers, vets etc they are the best people to hear of companion homes needed.
If you really enjoy having her in your life why not do some in hand vetran showing or equivalent so you're having fun with her without riding issues?
Glad you feel a bit better
 
Sorry, my story has a happy ending but maybe not the one you'd like to read.

I returned to riding a few years ago after a long break, and shortly afterwards bought my first horse from the riding school I was at (they were dealers too). Very long story short, he was completely unsuitable, within 6 weeks he was on 6 months box rest due to an unrelated field kick and when he came back into work the issues were still there. I'd meanwhile lost all confidence so went on a riding holiday to try and get some back, and ended up bringing a new horse home with me.

I had both (on working livery) for 5 months, but my first horse was in and out of work and it became clear he had too many issues to be ridden, and as he didn't like being kept in and didn't like being out, I decided to have him PTS. I'd owned him for 14 months, ridden him about 20 times, and been bucked off about a dozen times. All in, with vet fees, livery and purchase he cost me about £15k!

The second horse I bought is my horse of a lifetime. I am that person who happily hacks for hours at all paces without a single nerve. I have a horse that so many covet for her saintliness. No, she's never going to win a prize for jumping/dressage/looking flashy, but I want to hack with the odd bit of schooling, and for that she is perfect. She's 15 now and starting to show signs of wear and tear, so in a couple of years I'll get another, but she'll stay with me on grass livery until the end of her days.

Horses are too expensive to not enjoy.

You *can* have what you want in terms of carefree hacking, but sadly not with mollie. Look into retirement/grass livery (it sounds like she's a good doer who would happily live out all year with minimal attention). If not, consider pts if you want to guarantee her future.

Yes, it hurts, and I still cried writing the above about jack, but two years on, I know I absolutely did the right thing, and am so happy with my girl.

xx
 
Is she spooky every time you ride? Can you tell when you first get on if she is going to be silly or not? I have a mare who is naturally very spooky and some days she is worse than others. Sugar does make her worse so she is fed molasses free HiFi and Speedi beet and muzzled when the grass is green and lush. She can't have carrots on a regular basis either.

I have to pick my days/times to ride carefully. I get her in to ride and can usually tell when grooming her if she will be spooky to ride. Her tension is pretty obvious. If she is tense or it's particularly windy I choose not to ride and lunge or just groom instead.

Could you just ride on days when she feels good and if you get on and she feels like she is going to be spooky get off and lunge her instead? If she starts off with the tension you know will result in spookiness and you get off and lunge rather than go hacking she may learn that calm behaviour gets her a nice hack and spooky behaviour results in a bit of hard work on the lunge. Even if she doesn't learn it still may help you get a few nice rides on her.
 
How big is Mollie? If she is over 16hh it might be worth looking at the Equine Blood Bank - if you search on here you will find a number of threads about it, the horses seem to have a good quality of life....just thought I would mention it in case is was a possible option for you.
 
ApacheWarlord said:
Perhaps she's picking up on your nervousness and this is creating a viscous circle? Have you thought about getting some lessons on her?
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not even nervous-ness will make her spooky...just thinking that 'she may spook here'...or 'she looked at that yesterday'... will make her react in some way
when i have someone with a 'blase' attitude get on my mare....she doesnt spook once...plods along and doest care
you put someone on who goes 'oooh thats an odd leaf' or 'thats a noisy sound'..well of course it will be scary then, you'er making it scary!

perhaps your mare picks up on little things like that...she sounds like a sensitive soul
could you find someone with a 'blase' attitude to ride her for you....... perhaps a sharer? obviously vetted closely....but it may just give your mare the confidence she needs
 
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