Feeling like I'm on a capitalist treadmill

[Deltofe2493]

Me & OH are living with parents and saving for a property and we are on track due to have a deposit together by end of the year.

I have found my self super broody recently. Once we have the home then I am thinking we can think about starting a family of our own.

Why do I always feel like I am on a hamster wheel working for the next stage? Just under a year ago I was aiming to be on the salary I am now, and now I am looking for ways to achieve my next pay grade. I've bought a horse last year which is something I've dreamed of since I was 12, but now I am looking into pregnancy and next stages of life. Is this normal??? Why can I not just chill out for a few months at least?? I'm the same with the horse, once I've done one comp I'm always like ok when's the next what else can we do etc I stress myself out.

Anyway, my questions are how have others in this situation:

a) manage their time with a newborn.

b) manage finances. My livery is £600 per month, then intermittent maintenance costs i.e. full set of shoes, dentist, back etc

c) dealt with not riding/gentle riding for 9 months?

d) thoughts on sharers.. so hard to trust they will take the correct care, and also find someone who will be long term

My annual salary is 32k per year and he on 35, but statutory maternity pay works out around £600 per month which just about covers livery costs! Me & OH both work in pub / bar at weekends but I would not get SMP from this pub job. He takes in an additional £1200 per month. I would need to ask HR dept. for their mat leave policy but I think it is 6 weeks full pay then the rest on stat.

I would feel terrible for OH to fund my oversized dog for 6 months whilst on mat. leave, on top of that he would have to cover the mortgage, bills etc and I know this is something he and I would have to sit down and properly discuss when we are truly ready, but has anyone else's OH been kind enough to cover for them? Or do you save a bit knowing you will be off for a few months? Looking at options I'd be tempted to go back to my full time job asap just to earn the money.

People are saying if you wait to afford children you will never have them, and you make it work... thoughts and advice please!

 

[Lady Jane]

I would give the babies a mis but that's just me......

 

[stangs]

If you're serious about wanting a child, I'd start looking for a sharer already. That way, by the time you have to stop riding, you'll have found someone reliable.

 

[CanteringCarrot]

I'm sort of the same way because I am a planner. However, I don't feel kids are a must, especially nowadays, so I may very well skip that part, but that's a personal decision. I've felt broody from time to time, but it wears off.

I think this hamster wheel is somewhat just reality for those that don't have big savings, family money, very high paying jobs, or other types of financial cushions. It's getting expensive out there! Horses are also a luxury and kids (in my view) are optional. So they're expenses that we choose to take on. You can only lay out some plans and hope all goes according to. If it's something you really want, like kids, you'll find a way to make it work.

Maybe you'll get to the point where you can chill out a bit, maybe not. Some of us are very goal oriented and waiting for the next step. However, don't do things because you feel as though you have to check this box or complete this life phase/task. Do it because you truly want to, not because society or whoever else wants you to.

Some are able to manage their time with a newborn, but we all have different circumstances. If your horse is the type that would be cool with being turned away, then it'll likely deal with being turned away/gently ridden and/or worked for 9 months (or more, or less). If you're lucky you can find a good sharer, there are bad ones and good ones, it might be worth a try since it sounds like if you find a good one, it'll ease a few burdens for you.

I think the balance between you and your OH is personal. You have to sit down and really dicuss it together. It doesn't matter what someone else's OH does or doesn't do. This is your relationship, your OH, dynamics can be different and you shouldn't have expectations that just don't suit. I've seen some partners get the unfair (IMO) burden because things weren't truthfully discussed or they didn't speak up to keep the other one happy, and it's fine until it's not.

 

[Slightlyconfused]

Friend had a horse mat leave savings acc to save up a years livery.

She manages to do horses, she has two, every.day twice a day with options to call on us if she needs it.

Was back riding after 8 weeks c section.

 

[Deltofe2493]

I'm sort of the same way because I am a planner. However, I don't feel kids are a must, especially nowadays, so I may very well skip that part, but that's a personal decision. I've felt broody from time to time, but it wears off.

I think this hamster wheel is somewhat just reality for those that don't have big savings, family money, very high paying jobs, or other types of financial cushions. It's getting expensive out there! Horses are also a luxury and kids (in my view) are optional. So they're expenses that we choose to take on. You can only lay out some plans and hope all goes according to. If it's something you really want, like kids, you'll find a way to make it work.

Maybe you'll get to the point where you can chill out a bit, maybe not. Some of us are very goal oriented and waiting for the next step. However, don't do things because you feel as though you have to check this box or complete this life phase/task. Do it because you truly want to, not because society or whoever else wants you to.

Some are able to manage their time with a newborn, but we all have different circumstances. If your horse is the type that would be cool with being turned away, then it'll likely deal with being turned away/gently ridden and/or worked for 9 months (or more, or less). If you're lucky you can find a good sharer, there are bad ones and good ones, it might be worth a try since it sounds like if you find a good one, it'll ease a few burdens for you.

I think the balance between you and your OH is personal. You have to sit down and really dicuss it together. It doesn't matter what someone else's OH does or doesn't do. This is your relationship, your OH, dynamics can be different and you shouldn't have expectations that just don't suit. I've seen some partners get the unfair (IMO) burden because things weren't truthfully discussed or they didn't speak up to keep the other one happy, and it's fine until it's not.

Like anything, I was wondering how I'd ever manage a horse and working in London then all of a sudden I was made redundant, moved out of London and found a job closer to home with better pay! Everything does happen for a reason.

A sharer would be a sensible option I just don't know if I would be jel that they get to play ponies whilst I am bumbling about all hormonal and crazy lol but they are my own personal mental ssues. Probably an indication I am not ready. Lol.

Finance wise, that would be the bit I am concerned about, it's fine until it's not. We're a way off yet anyway but I don't know many people who have the luxury of horses and children. A lot of horsey and career minded people I know either have kids mid-later 30s or not at all, why I posed the question.

STRESS!!

 

[Kaylum]

Babies are not cheap. Nappies, milk, extra gas/electric for washing machine and dryer and thats just the beginning.

 

[CanteringCarrot]

Like anything, I was wondering how I'd ever manage a horse and working in London then all of a sudden I was made redundant, moved out of London and found a job closer to home with better pay! Everything does happen for a reason.

A sharer would be a sensible option I just don't know if I would be jel that they get to play ponies whilst I am bumbling about all hormonal and crazy lol but they are my own personal mental ssues. Probably an indication I am not ready. Lol.

Finance wise, that would be the bit I am concerned about, it's fine until it's not. We're a way off yet anyway but I don't know many people who have the luxury of horses and children. A lot of horsey and career minded people I know either have kids mid-later 30s or not at all.

STRESS!!

I do think the everything happens for a reason notion is true and can help settle us a bit when it doesn't go according to our exact plan. You never know, like in you example, it ended up better than planned.

You might also be so wrapped up in the baby because of those new mum hormones and might not have the energy to be jealous. At the end of the day it's still your horse, you'll be sharing, but with the right person, it could be really convenient for you.

I think there are a fair amount on here that have horses and children, so they're evidence that it works for them somehow. Maybe not works as you might picture it, but it works nonetheless. I'm sure some will chime in since we have a good bit of newer mums on here. I know it would be a struggle for us due to hours worked, type of jobs, and purely hours in the day. However, not everyone has our schedules so my experience would be different from the next person.

 

[AShetlandBitMeOnce]

I am not saying this from a remotely judgemental point of view, it's just a journey I found myself on in the not too distant past; I think you need to research some books/podcasts or maybe try counselling/therapy etc to try and train yourself to find happiness with what you currently have - it may sound insignificant but it's a serious liberating thing. It doesn't always have to be a race to the next thing, if you live in the future you'll miss the now. And on the other note, one of the most valuable things my OH has ever taught me is to only have 2 main focuses/projects on at a time, otherwise it's too much.I was always overloading my plate and then panicking that i couldn't cope (I was also diagnosed end of last year with ADHD, which is likely to be related). Eg: I'd to find a new job, study & pass an ACCA exam, save for a house, compete the horse, save for a tattoo and so on and so forth, just pick two - achieve those and then consider the next thing you would like to aim for.

Nothing wrong with figuring out a 5 year plan but maybe (other than the house fund) save an 'emegency fund' then this can be used for whatever you decide the next step will be. Eg: house renovations, baby, a horsebox or whatever.

 

[Leandy]

It is just growing up I'm afraid! Adulting! Small babies and horses do not mix well in my experience, especially if you are the ambitious competitive type. Having a baby may or may not come quickly so no need to do anything until you are firmly pregnant. If and when that happens, personnally I kept riding and competing until this wasn't possible. Thereafter, if I were you, I would either turn the horse away at grass until able to pick it up again, or sell. I would not consider a sharer myself.

 

[Leandy]

To all those saying kids aren't a must. I would have said that myself once and did not consider myself in the least maternal. The thought of giving up horses for babies horrified me. But we went on to have them and I'm so glad we did. They bring another dimension to life, and an excuse to relive the pony years again! And they will hopefully bring help and companionship in older age.

 

[Gloi]

Anybody thinking about having children has not given enough thought to the upcoming collapse of the climate and ecosystem and likely society, sorry.

 

[MotherOfChickens]

You are on a capitalist treadmill, as are most of us.

I think the horse has to go. Lots of us had to have a break from horses to get on with normal life-I didnt have my own horse until I was 35, I had nothing to do with horses between 28-35 as was in uni (BSc, PhD) and others I know have dropped horses for kids.

Sell the horse, have the kid, get a share yourself eventually.

 

[teapot]

MLooking at options I'd be tempted to go back to my full time job asap just to earn the money.

You might want to budget in childcare costs, it is not cheap.

 

[Deltofe2493]

I am not saying this from a remotely judgemental point of view, it's just a journey I found myself on in the not too distant past; I think you need to research some books/podcasts or maybe try counselling/therapy etc to try and train yourself to find happiness with what you currently have - it may sound insignificant but it's a serious liberating thing. It doesn't always have to be a race to the next thing, if you live in the future you'll miss the now. And on the other note, one of the most valuable things my OH has ever taught me is to only have 2 main focuses/projects on at a time, otherwise it's too much.I was always overloading my plate and then panicking that i couldn't cope (I was also diagnosed end of last year with ADHD, which is likely to be related). Eg: I'd to find a new job, study & pass an ACCA exam, save for a house, compete the horse, save for a tattoo and so on and so forth, just pick two - achieve those and then consider the next thing you would like to aim for.

Nothing wrong with figuring out a 5 year plan but maybe (other than the house fund) save an 'emegency fund' then this can be used for whatever you decide the next step will be. Eg: house renovations, baby, a horsebox or whatever.

Such good advice! I do get overwhelmed with plans etc and then end up spreading my self too thin and not fully focusing. Will focus on horsey and saving for house then see what happens from there. And like you say, a seperate pot for 'emergency' funds.

I think I'll know I've made it in life when I am able to afford a horse box!

 

[Spotherisk]

£600 pm for livery! I’m pretty sure that diy near me is still around £30 pw.

 

[Deltofe2493]

It is just growing up I'm afraid! Adulting! Small babies and horses do not mix well in my experience, especially if you are the ambitious competitive type. Having a baby may or may not come quickly so no need to do anything until you are firmly pregnant. If and when that happens, personnally I kept riding and competing until this wasn't possible. Thereafter, if I were you, I would either turn the horse away at grass until able to pick it up again, or sell. I would not consider a sharer myself.

In an ideal world, any potential children would need to fit into my life, not me theirs, so keeping horsey and turning her away for a bit and bring her back in when I'm ready sounds perfect. It's just the expense that comes with it.

I could never sell, she is my pride and joy and in the short space of time I have had her we have achieved so much. To me when you buy a pet you have them for life. I would never consider selling a dog or cat so I understand the decision I have made to buy her, similar commitment/costs to having a child.

Judging by comments and advice, will probably wait a couple more years until we have more saved and/or spare income per month to start children.

 

[Deltofe2493]

£600 pm for livery! I’m pretty sure that diy near me is still around £30 pw.

she's on part liv. I guess there would be the option to go on DIY if needs must!

 

[Rusky]

Me & OH are living with parents and saving for a property and we are on track due to have a deposit together by end of the year.

I have found my self super broody recently. Once we have the home then I am thinking we can think about starting a family of our own.

Why do I always feel like I am on a hamster wheel working for the next stage? Just under a year ago I was aiming to be on the salary I am now, and now I am looking for ways to achieve my next pay grade. I've bought a horse last year which is something I've dreamed of since I was 12, but now I am looking into pregnancy and next stages of life. Is this normal??? Why can I not just chill out for a few months at least?? I'm the same with the horse, once I've done one comp I'm always like ok when's the next what else can we do etc I stress myself out.

Anyway, my questions are how have others in this situation:

a) manage their time with a newborn.

b) manage finances. My livery is £600 per month, then intermittent maintenance costs i.e. full set of shoes, dentist, back etc

c) dealt with not riding/gentle riding for 9 months?

d) thoughts on sharers.. so hard to trust they will take the correct care, and also find someone who will be long term

My annual salary is 32k per year and he on 35, but statutory maternity pay works out around £600 per month which just about covers livery costs! Me & OH both work in pub / bar at weekends but I would not get SMP from this pub job. He takes in an additional £1200 per month. I would need to ask HR dept. for their mat leave policy but I think it is 6 weeks full pay then the rest on stat.

I would feel terrible for OH to fund my oversized dog for 6 months whilst on mat. leave, on top of that he would have to cover the mortgage, bills etc and I know this is something he and I would have to sit down and properly discuss when we are truly ready, but has anyone else's OH been kind enough to cover for them? Or do you save a bit knowing you will be off for a few months? Looking at options I'd be tempted to go back to my full time job asap just to earn the money.

People are saying if you wait to afford children you will never have them, and you make it work... thoughts and advice please!
I have know quite a few horse owners wh have had babies and it seems, as if the confidence riding suffers a bit. I don't know what, maybe because of the added responsibility of the child?

Me & OH are living with parents and saving for a property and we are on track due to have a deposit together by end of the year.

I have found my self super broody recently. Once we have the home then I am thinking we can think about starting a family of our own.

Why do I always feel like I am on a hamster wheel working for the next stage? Just under a year ago I was aiming to be on the salary I am now, and now I am looking for ways to achieve my next pay grade. I've bought a horse last year which is something I've dreamed of since I was 12, but now I am looking into pregnancy and next stages of life. Is this normal??? Why can I not just chill out for a few months at least?? I'm the same with the horse, once I've done one comp I'm always like ok when's the next what else can we do etc I stress myself out.

Anyway, my questions are how have others in this situation:

a) manage their time with a newborn.

b) manage finances. My livery is £600 per month, then intermittent maintenance costs i.e. full set of shoes, dentist, back etc

c) dealt with not riding/gentle riding for 9 months?

d) thoughts on sharers.. so hard to trust they will take the correct care, and also find someone who will be long term

My annual salary is 32k per year and he on 35, but statutory maternity pay works out around £600 per month which just about covers livery costs! Me & OH both work in pub / bar at weekends but I would not get SMP from this pub job. He takes in an additional £1200 per month. I would need to ask HR dept. for their mat leave policy but I think it is 6 weeks full pay then the rest on stat.

I would feel terrible for OH to fund my oversized dog for 6 months whilst on mat. leave, on top of that he would have to cover the mortgage, bills etc and I know this is something he and I would have to sit down and properly discuss when we are truly ready, but has anyone else's OH been kind enough to cover for them? Or do you save a bit knowing you will be off for a few months? Looking at options I'd be tempted to go back to my full time job asap just to earn the money.

People are saying if you wait to afford children you will never have them, and you make it work... thoughts and advice please!

 

[Prancerpoos]

Honestly, I don’t think you can do both on one ‘ordinary’ salary and that’s what it may come to. Juggling a child and horse and work may well mean you get pushed off the treadmill anyway, it’s not just about the money, it’s the time.

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

The first thing that you need to remember is that a baby is a joint responsibility, so if you are off work on Mat Leave or with pregnancy related illness,which is always a possibility, OH will need to step into support you financially. You will have to have an open and honest conversation with OH about how much he wants to have a child and whether that is enough to want to support your life-style. No-one should expect a new mother to be bringing in as much money as she did before she was pregnant, especially not the new mother herself.

 

[Cortez]

If you think having a horse is expensive, wait until you have children!

 

[dorsetladette]

children grow up very fast. looking back now, I feel I missed out on so much of their child hood trying to earn a living/give them all they wanted. But, while doing that they missed out on me.

If you truly want to be a mum, be prepared to put on hold the other things you want in life, or compromise on those things.

Can horse be turned away for 12 month while you look after tiny baby?
Can horse stay on grass livery (even full grass livery) to reduce cost and loosen/lessen the time and structure needed.
Can you lower your expectations regarding competitions etc.

If your answer is no to any of the above questions you would probably need to sell horse and put ownership on hold until after children.

 

[teddypops]

It is possible to have a baby and a horse, especially if you have a partner! I did it as a single parent although I wasn’t spending £600 on livery! My son also fitted into my life, not the other way round and we did fine. A sharer or maybe a cheaper livery yard would make it more doable. I don’t really get people selling their horses because it’s ok to still have something for yourself. I had a friend who sold her dream horse (fought her ex over it for months and paid a fortune for her) for peanuts because she became pregnant then regretted it for so long because before she knew it her baby was a toddler and at nursery and she would have managed the horse just fine.

 

[Deltofe2493]

children grow up very fast. looking back now, I feel I missed out on so much of their child hood trying to earn a living/give them all they wanted. But, while doing that they missed out on me.

If you truly want to be a mum, be prepared to put on hold the other things you want in life, or compromise on those things.

Can horse be turned away for 12 month while you look after tiny baby?
Can horse stay on grass livery (even full grass livery) to reduce cost and loosen/lessen the time and structure needed.
Can you lower your expectations regarding competitions etc.

If your answer is no to any of the above questions you would probably need to sell horse and put ownership on hold until after children.

She's a very sensitive thoroughbred so wouldn't be good for her to live out. There is a livery yard close by that charges £450 per month full liv so patiently awaiting a space there.

Yes I could turn her away and let go of the comps for a while. It's just a case of affording the maintenance whilst she's a lawnmower.

 

[conniegirl]

It is perfectly possible to have a horse, a career and a baby, I do.

You just have to prioritise, have support from your OH and be realistic.

I saved a lot of money prior to my pregnancy. ideally you want to be in a job where they pay company maternity for a good while but often this is not possible and you have to make do on statutory.
Realistically if you are on statutory you get around £700 a month (it is paid monthly not 4 weekly) plus child benefit. You may even get some tax back depending on how much you paid prior to baby and how far through the year you are. I got about £70 a month back on mine.

During my pregnancy and the first 3 months of my little one being here my pony was turned away on grass livery, this reduced costs. He is now on part livery 3 days a week and assisted DIY the rest of the week. Riding was totally out of the question for me during pregnancy as i had a high risk, delicate pregnancy.
Competing wise i think we may start again when my little one is about 1 year old but i do know other who have done it much sooner.

I got a new job whilst i was on maternity leave and advanced my career enormously. To help this my husband has taken 6 months shared parental leave to look after Ellie.

When his leave ends we will be looking at both doing a compressed week with different days off, grandma will have her for 1 to 2 other days a week and we will pay for nursery on 1 day a week in order to socialise her properly.

The burden cannot all be on you, it has to be a shared burden.

 

[Deltofe2493]

It is possible to have a baby and a horse, especially if you have a partner! I did it as a single parent although I wasn’t spending £600 on livery! My son also fitted into my life, not the other way round and we did fine. A sharer or maybe a cheaper livery yard would make it more doable. I don’t really get people selling their horses because it’s ok to still have something for yourself. I had a friend who sold her dream horse (fought her ex over it for months and paid a fortune for her) for peanuts because she became pregnant then regretted it for so long because before she knew it her baby was a toddler and at nursery and she would have managed the horse just fine.

I am trying to find a cheaper livery option, but where I am they're all through the roof! There is one which is £450 a month which I am patiently waiting on a space for.

This is the exact situation I would hate to be in. and I am so pleased to hear it has worked for you! I am looking for some positivity and possibility.

I understand babies horses houses etc all cost money it's just how you manage it all and i have no bloody idea lol.

 

[Widgeon]

I would feel terrible for OH to fund my oversized dog for 6 months whilst on mat. leave, on top of that he would have to cover the mortgage, bills etc and I know this is something he and I would have to sit down and properly discuss when we are truly ready

I haven't read all the replies, but does your OH want children at some point? If so, then you don't need to feel bad about any of this! If he wants kids he will have to help cover for you while you're otherwise occupied with producing and caring for your (joint) baby. It's not like having a child is just a nice hobby for you. If he wants kids then he has to pull his weight. If he's a decent man he will know this - don't feel bad.

The burden cannot all be on you, it has to be a shared burden.

edited...ok now I have read all the replies, I agree with the people saying this! Don't try to take it all on yourself.

 

[Deltofe2493]

I haven't read all the replies, but does your OH want children at some point? If so, then you don't need to feel bad about any of this! If he wants kids he will have to help cover for you while you're otherwise occupied with producing and caring for your (joint) baby. It's not like having a child is just a nice hobby for you. If he wants kids then he has to pull his weight. If he's a decent man he will know this - don't feel bad.



edited...ok now I have read all the replies, I agree with the people saying this! Don't try to take it all on yourself.

Tbh he wants and has wanted children a lot longer than I have.

Out of interest, with sharers, how much is too much to charge? If you were to divide 600 / 30 it works out about £20 per day, plus then you have the maintenance of shoes because someone riding 3 days a week would have an impact on wear and tear.

When I was sharing on DIY it was £10 per day then half towards shoes and £15 per day where jobs only on my one weekend day. Would you consider £20 a day plus half towards shoes extortion? I mean in my opinion, horses are extortion and if someone is learning the costs, or doesn't want the full costs would be fine. The benefits would be no jobs, yard has small indoor, outdoor incl. full set of jumps and decent hacking.

 

[Littlebear]

In an ideal world, any potential children would need to fit into my life, not me theirs, so keeping horsey and turning her away for a bit and bring her back in when I'm ready sounds perfect. It's just the expense that comes with it.

I could never sell, she is my pride and joy and in the short space of time I have had her we have achieved so much. To me when you buy a pet you have them for life. I would never consider selling a dog or cat so I understand the decision I have made to buy her, similar commitment/costs to having a child.

Judging by comments and advice, will probably wait a couple more years until we have more saved and/or spare income per month to start children.

Whilst you do not realise it now, when you have that baby, s/he will become your absolute life, your number one priority and you will change your life entirely for them. Full time work away from home + baby+ horse doesn't all fit in, I only managed because I swapped to working from home with some flexibility. You cannot prepare for mum guilt either.

Your relationship will need to change to have a joint income/ bills fund if one of you is the primary care giver, rather than you and him separately, you become a family with family funds.

While a sharer is great if you find a good one, what if they let you down, or horse goes lame, it cannot be relied upon entirely although you may be lucky.

Everyone I know would not have mapped things out the same prior to kids as they see it after, you just muddle through and make it all happen and things adjust to work differently.