Feeling like I'm on a capitalist treadmill

[AntiPuck]

I am not saying this from a remotely judgemental point of view, it's just a journey I found myself on in the not too distant past; I think you need to research some books/podcasts or maybe try counselling/therapy etc to try and train yourself to find happiness with what you currently have - it may sound insignificant but it's a serious liberating thing. It doesn't always have to be a race to the next thing, if you live in the future you'll miss the now. And on the other note, one of the most valuable things my OH has ever taught me is to only have 2 main focuses/projects on at a time, otherwise it's too much.I was always overloading my plate and then panicking that i couldn't cope (I was also diagnosed end of last year with ADHD, which is likely to be related). Eg: I'd to find a new job, study & pass an ACCA exam, save for a house, compete the horse, save for a tattoo and so on and so forth, just pick two - achieve those and then consider the next thing you would like to aim for.

Nothing wrong with figuring out a 5 year plan but maybe (other than the house fund) save an 'emegency fund' then this can be used for whatever you decide the next step will be. Eg: house renovations, baby, a horsebox or whatever.

I couldn't agree more. [And I prefix this post by saying, this may all be irrelevant to OP, but sharing in case it resonates, as it did with me].

The future is promised to absolutely no one, so if you are always living for the next thing, you are in danger of failing to enjoy real life as it is right now (and all you ever actually have is the 'right now'). It's so easy to fall into the trap of, "I'll be happy when X", but as you have seen already, X comes and goes, and you feel the same.

I personally try to take solace in the reality that I will never do all of the things I want to (and in reality, wouldn't it be awful if we did, and there was nothing left!) - it just isn't possible, human minds are too imaginative, and there are too many possibilities at any one time. Better to learn to be content doing fewer things than to always feel like you're on a hamster wheel.

I highly recommend Oliver Burkeman's book on this topic, 'Four Thousand Weeks' (which is the average human lifespan!). It's a real kick up the bum to acknowledge your/our limits, and stop buying into the narratives that tell us that we must always be ticking the next thing off of a list that we didn't even write for ourselves.

 

[Deltofe2493]

Whilst you do not realise it now, when you have that baby, s/he will become your absolute life, your number one priority and you will change your life entirely for them. Full time work away from home + baby+ horse doesn't all fit in, I only managed because I swapped to working from home with some flexibility. You cannot prepare for mum guilt either.

Your relationship will need to change to have a joint income/ bills fund if one of you is the primary care giver, rather than you and him separately, you become a family with family funds.

While a sharer is great if you find a good one, what if they let you down, or horse goes lame, it cannot be relied upon entirely although you may be lucky.

Everyone I know would not have mapped things out the same prior to kids as they see it after, you just muddle through and make it all happen and things adjust to work differently.

I am lucky to work from home in a flexible company, so appreciate this is a huge bonus.

So that's an interesting point.. if horse goes lame do you expect sharer to continue paying? My share horse went lame a couple times but I still paid my monthly fee because if he was my own I couldn't just not pay for him?

 

[AShetlandBitMeOnce]

I highly recommend Oliver Burkeman's book on this topic, 'Four Thousand Weeks' (which is the average human lifespan!). It's a real kick up the bum to acknowledge your/our limits, and stop buying into the narratives that tell us that we must always be ticking the next thing off of a list that we didn't even write for ourselves.

I will check this book out purely out of interest, I love things that open the mind!


If you WFH OP you might benefit from reading the 4 Hour Work Week by Timothy Ferris, it's a pretty easy read and not as cliche as it sounds. James Smith's Not A Diet Book is also another good one, and whilst there is some info in there about eating, it's more about mindset re: planning and work etc, it just raises general awareness in terms of the sunk cost fallacy, comparison is the thief of joy etc etc.

ETA: Just thought of another - The 5am Club. Again, not as literal as it sounds.

 

[Deltofe2493]

Thanks for the self-help book reccommendations, have been looking for some good ones so will defo look these up. I am generally in a positive mindset and I never compare myself to anyone other than... myself.

I always just do the things I want to do which is good to be ambitious and have goals but then at the same time stops me from going out and doing things because of fear of failure and not being as good as the last time? Anyone else??

 

[AShetlandBitMeOnce]

Thanks for the self-help book reccommendations, have been looking for some good ones so will defo look these up. I am generally in a positive mindset and I never compare myself to anyone other than... myself.

I always just do the things I want to do which is good to be ambitious and have goals but then at the same time stops me from going out and doing things because of fear of failure and not being as good as the last time? Anyone else??

Just added another recommendation! And yep, you could have written this about me, that's why your OP resonated with me so much. We sound like two peas in a pod. A lot of the last 12 months for me has been about working on it and I can't tell you how much better I feel - it did include some counselling but mostly books and conversation and podcasts.

 

[Deltofe2493]

Just added another recommendation! And yep, you could have written this about me, that's why your OP resonated with me so much. We sound like two peas in a pod. A lot of the last 12 months for me has been about working on it and I can't tell you how much better I feel - it did include some counselling but mostly books and conversation and podcasts.

I've heard of the 5am club, i swear no matter what I do I can never make it out of bed before 8am!! No matter how many alarms I try lol. Or it will work for a week then I get bored and go back to my old routine. I'm fine once I'm up, it's just the initial getting out of bed.

Podcasts have been interesting recently. There was a certain one about '24 hours in a day' and as tone deaf as it was, for someone who does need a kick up the bum to get up earlier (lasted a week), start going to the gym (we're on week 2) and put a bit more effort into career it was slightly inspirational, and I am very fortunate to have these hours in the day to be able to use them in this way, so currently trying to make the most of these hours whilst they last!

Diary of a CEO Joe Wickes & Jimmy Carr were good ones if you haven't listened already.

 

[Lexi_]

It’s not so much the immediate maternity leave/newborn baby time that you need to worry about IMO, so much as it is the pre-school period. Nursery costs a fortune and my question is can you afford childcare and livery and all your other bills for the pre-school years? I’m a bit shocked by the amount of people I know (online rather than close pals) who don’t seem to have factored this in at all. If you have family to help with it then great, but it’s worth considering the whole 0-5 year period rather than just the mat leave income issue.

I will say that good, reliable sharers do exist. Obviously can’t guarantee that you’ll find one, but they are out there! I took on charge of my share horse and his pal both times that their owner had her 2 kids (both c-sections, so she couldn’t reliably get to the yard for the 5-6 weeks until she’d been signed off to drive again, and she was obviously limited towards the end of her pregnancy).

It’s about having the backup plan if they do leave for whatever reason and you can’t immediately replace them - move to grass livery, pay for a rider etc?

 

[daydreamer]

Tbh he wants and has wanted children a lot longer than I have.

Out of interest, with sharers, how much is too much to charge? If you were to divide 600 / 30 it works out about £20 per day, plus then you have the maintenance of shoes because someone riding 3 days a week would have an impact on wear and tear.

When I was sharing on DIY it was £10 per day then half towards shoes and £15 per day where jobs only on my one weekend day. Would you consider £20 a day plus half towards shoes extortion? I mean in my opinion, horses are extortion and if someone is learning the costs, or doesn't want the full costs would be fine. The benefits would be no jobs, yard has small indoor, outdoor incl. full set of jumps and decent hacking.

I think you need to see what the current cost is around you. I am currently sharing because my youngster is still growing up. To be honest I get a little annoyed when someone advertises for an experienced, reliable and knowledgable person to help them with their horse and then charges a lot. Yes the sharer is benefitting from the use of the horse but they also have responsibility for the care and, since I'm assuming from what you said about your horse earlier you will look for someone experienced, it will have taken them a while to gain the skills to ride the horse/care for it etc. The owner is also benefitting in these situations and that in itself has worth.

 

[AShetlandBitMeOnce]

I've heard of the 5am club, i swear no matter what I do I can never make it out of bed before 8am!! No matter how many alarms I try lol. Or it will work for a week then I get bored and go back to my old routine. I'm fine once I'm up, it's just the initial getting out of bed.

Podcasts have been interesting recently. There was a certain one about '24 hours in a day' and as tone deaf as it was, for someone who does need a kick up the bum to get up earlier (lasted a week), start going to the gym (we're on week 2) and put a bit more effort into career it was slightly inspirational, and I am very fortunate to have these hours in the day to be able to use them in this way, so currently trying to make the most of these hours whilst they last!

Diary of a CEO Joe Wickes & Jimmy Carr were good ones if you haven't listened already.

It's not actually remotely about getting up at 5am, it has a much wider context than that.
Is the 24 hour interview the Molly Mae one? Because if so it's interesting that found that motivational, as it just made me so angry, I thought it was a load of sh*te.

 

[laura_nash]

Honestly, I don’t think you can do both on one ‘ordinary’ salary and that’s what it may come to. Juggling a child and horse and work may well mean you get pushed off the treadmill anyway, it’s not just about the money, it’s the time.

We just about managed for 3 years on my salary (OH was a stay at home dad). We only managed because we had already paid off the mortgage by flipping homes though. Plus I got full pay for the whole maternity leave if I promised to come back full-time afterwards. Horse was on DIY on a farm very locally (could walk to yard).

It was tough time-wise and financially. We could afford the day to day, but couldn't save anything to cover one off costs.

Not sure if we could have kept going like that through to school age, as it is we made a fairly extreme life change instead (ps you can also have a kid and horse(s) on a single 'ordinary' salary if you move to rural Ireland and buy a semi-derelict smallholding that takes 5 years to get livable).

 

[Deltofe2493]

It's not actually remotely about getting up at 5am, it has a much wider context than that.
Is the 24 hour interview the Molly Mae one? Because if so it's interesting that found that motivational, as it just made me so angry, I thought it was a load of sh*te.

lol I just read the advertisement and it said about take control of your mornings!

it was. Why I see it as motivational is because I am your average joe, living with parents, good job(s) and income and the luxury of horse. So what she said has made me appreciate the time I do have and to use it wisely. Not just sit on my phone scrolling through social media or tik tok!

however it does make me angry cause I’ve worked and do work hard to keep this all afloat. I do wish sometimes my Friday night didn’t revolve around pulling pints and small talk but what can you do.

I saw today it is reported she gets paid 400k monthly just from pretty little thing!! At 22!!!!!

the fix your focus podcast was good to, and the ‘be here now’ concept.

 

[Flamenco]

A few years ago I owned my dream horse and swore I'd never sell him. However once I had my son, my dream changed it was now all about my son not the horse. I sold him towards the end of mat leave.

In hindsight I wish I'd listened to everyone and sold him whilst I was pregnant and saved the time and money. Everyone on the yard warned me this would happen I didn't believe them.

I'm back to work part time and there's no way I'd have time to work, spend as much time as I'd like with my son and have a horse. You only have limited time, you choose how you spend it. For me its all about time with my son. I don't want to work full time and put him in nursery (paying a fortune and missing him growing up) to afford a horse, but I guess other people may feel differently.

 

[rowan666]

Kids are expensive, save yourself some money and get another horse.. alternatively as already suggested prepare now by finding a reliable sharer/part loaner who could hopefully up their role for a while once you hit your last trimester and baby is still young and once you have your own place look around for a closer and cheaper livery. It is true that there is never a right time to have kids but we either make it work or prepare to full loan/sell if it does get too much and you can always pick horses up again down the line

 

[AShetlandBitMeOnce]

lol I just read the advertisement and it said about take control of your mornings!

it was. Why I see it as motivational is because I am your average joe, living with parents, good job(s) and income and the luxury of horse. So what she said has made me appreciate the time I do have and to use it wisely. Not just sit on my phone scrolling through social media or tik tok!

however it does make me angry cause I’ve worked and do work hard to keep this all afloat. I do wish sometimes my Friday night didn’t revolve around pulling pints and small talk but what can you do.

I saw today it is reported she gets paid 400k monthly just from pretty little thing!! At 22!!!!!

the fix your focus podcast was good to, and the ‘be here now’ concept.

Yes, and she was handed that job due to appearing on Love Island and having a clever media team.. It's not due to years and years of hard work as she would make out.

I can see where you're coming from but it's just clap trap. Beyonce can hire a nanny, work when she pleases, has drivers, PA's, chefs, a personal trainer and probably a gym/pool etc in her house. She she doesn't remotely have the same 24 hours in a day as a Nurse who is a single mother of one doing 12 hours shifts 6 days a week and has a 25 mile commute; and for that nurse who looks at Molly Mae and suffers from comparing herself to other people, it's just another unrealistic expectation peddled out by a naive young girl, that will make her feel hopeless, useless and inadequate. Molly has had everything handed to her on a plate, she's been launched to crazy levels of fame and success just by chilling in the sun for 4 weeks and being filmed doing so, I don't think she said it maliciously for a seond, she is just clearly incredibly naive.

 

[honetpot]

I think having children is all, about compromise, and it's the mother who does most of it. I had a discussion at work with a mum who was perhaps thirty years younger than me, and really not much has moved on since I had my children. I was very fortunate that although I had a horse it was on permanent loan to me, I had never competed, I never had expectations, and I had a series of as and when needed jobs, that fitted around child care, so I just turned the horse away through two pregnancies, and then by then he was too geriatric to ride.
We have always put money in to property, so after the children that comes first, and anything is just what ever we could afford, so a string of very cheap ponies, old banger cars, and caravan holidays with the kids. Nothing is ever perfect, and the best gift you can give to a child is time, sometimes I think my children may have thought I gave them too much at the time.
I say having children is like a car crash, you have seen the pictures, but until you have one the reality is far more dramatic. You have to a life that is never going to be perfect, tidy or your own. You have to share everything, you go not where without thinking, can I be back, is there enough...., you end up with an audience when you go to the loo, think of an anxious opinionated dog, that is constantly at your heels. If they are quiet they are either asleep, or raiding you makeup and expensive perfume
What you do get is wonderful memories, and in away get to relive your childhood, thought your children's eyes.

 

[Crazy_cat_lady]

I know I will not be able to afford babies and horses. OH has already been very understanding of the horse and put in more house deposit and covers more costs than me each month, he does however earn a lot more and I had the horse before I met him

Horse is 24, with cushings and had lived at the same yard almost all his life and doesn't cope well with change. I wouldn't pass him on. A lot of non horsey people say "what about a sanctuary" they just don't understand.

I'm 32 this year. If I ever get a ring on my finger and get married, I'm at the stage of my life where I need to decide when to start trying for a baby, as I'd like one.

I am well aware I cannot afford the horse and children.

 

[AmyMay]

We can’t always have it all. In fact rarely. If you’re saving for a deposit, and ultimately to start a family - £600 goes a long way.

 

[Cutgrass]

I think having children is all, about compromise, and it's the mother who does most of it. I had a discussion at work with a mum who was perhaps thirty years younger than me, and really not much has moved on since I had my children. I was very fortunate that although I had a horse it was on permanent loan to me, I had never competed, I never had expectations, and I had a series of as and when needed jobs, that fitted around child care, so I just turned the horse away through two pregnancies, and then by then he was too geriatric to ride.
We have always put money in to property, so after the children that comes first, and anything is just what ever we could afford, so a string of very cheap ponies, old banger cars, and caravan holidays with the kids. Nothing is ever perfect, and the best gift you can give to a child is time, sometimes I think my children may have thought I gave them too much at the time.
I say having children is like a car crash, you have seen the pictures, but until you have one the reality is far more dramatic. You have to a life that is never going to be perfect, tidy or your own. You have to share everything, you go not where without thinking, can I be back, is there enough...., you end up with an audience when you go to the loo, think of an anxious opinionated dog, that is constantly at your heels. If they are quiet they are either asleep, or raiding you makeup and expensive perfume
What you do get is wonderful memories, and in away get to relive your childhood, thought your children's eyes.

This brought a tear to my eye. So lovely and so true. You've captured the highs and lows of having children, especially young children, so well.

 

[rowan666]

I think having children is all, about compromise, and it's the mother who does most of it. I had a discussion at work with a mum who was perhaps thirty years younger than me, and really not much has moved on since I had my children. I was very fortunate that although I had a horse it was on permanent loan to me, I had never competed, I never had expectations, and I had a series of as and when needed jobs, that fitted around child care, so I just turned the horse away through two pregnancies, and then by then he was too geriatric to ride.
We have always put money in to property, so after the children that comes first, and anything is just what ever we could afford, so a string of very cheap ponies, old banger cars, and caravan holidays with the kids. Nothing is ever perfect, and the best gift you can give to a child is time, sometimes I think my children may have thought I gave them too much at the time.
I say having children is like a car crash, you have seen the pictures, but until you have one the reality is far more dramatic. You have to a life that is never going to be perfect, tidy or your own. You have to share everything, you go not where without thinking, can I be back, is there enough...., you end up with an audience when you go to the loo, think of an anxious opinionated dog, that is constantly at your heels. If they are quiet they are either asleep, or raiding you makeup and expensive perfume
What you do get is wonderful memories, and in away get to relive your childhood, thought your children's eyes.

I love this post, I think it perfectly sums up family life for a lot of us ❤

 

[luckyoldme]

Good god.
Literally what seems like yesterday I was like the op. I can remember older folk telling me to make the most of it and the time would pass too quickly without wishing it away.
I was just thinking of posting the same to the op.
It's official . I'm a dinosaur.

 

[Winters100]

I've heard of the 5am club, i swear no matter what I do I can never make it out of bed before 8am!! .

If you have children, animals, a house and a career to manage, then trust me this will change. You start to view those hours before anyone else is up as absolutely golden, when you can get things done without interruption. I am very rarely up later than 5am, and I consider 6am a lie in - in my 20s I would not have expected this.

If you want to have children do take care not to leave it too late, as it does become more difficult to have a successful pregnancy later in life. Also be realistic, while children and horses are absolutely manageable I don't think that I would like to do it on a tight budget. Money does not solve everything, but a lack of it can be very difficult indeed. Do remember that relationships need time and attention just as much as children and horses do. It may be an unfashionable view, but I don't think it is reasonable to expect our partners to be happy if our lives are children, work, horses, and all they see of us is a wave goodbye as we leave them to childcare while we run off to the horses.

There is never a perfect time to have children, but you do need to be able to accept that your life will be turned upside down, and that your wants will become secondary to their needs. Honetpot describes it perfectly - you start off with all these ideas about how it should or will be, but later you realise that you have to compromise in just about every aspect of your life.

Think carefully, but not too much, and good luck.

 

[Midlifecrisis]

I can empathise..I was back at work when daughter was 8 weeks old and in Far East buying trip when she was 12 weeks…it’s tough but if one ”wants it all” being on the hamster wheel may be necessary for a while.

 

[Deltofe2493]

Kids are expensive, save yourself some money and get another horse.. alternatively as already suggested prepare now by finding a reliable sharer/part loaner who could hopefully up their role for a while once you hit your last trimester and baby is still young and once you have your own place look around for a closer and cheaper livery. It is true that there is never a right time to have kids but we either make it work or prepare to full loan/sell if it does get too much and you can always pick horses up again down the line

brilliant!

Yes, I know I will be prepared to make it work. Sharer would definitiely be the best option and thinking about it, as much as it kills me, I love horsey and would be the best thing for her.

Plus OH has his hobbies like fishing and he's got a jazzy car which he takes and goes to various different meets etc, mainly in summer, which I wouldn't expect him to give up when the time comes.

 

[Deltofe2493]

If you have children, animals, a house and a career to manage, then trust me this will change. You start to view those hours before anyone else is up as absolutely golden, when you can get things done without interruption. I am very rarely up later than 5am, and I consider 6am a lie in - in my 20s I would not have expected this.

If you want to have children do take care not to leave it too late, as it does become more difficult to have a successful pregnancy later in life. Also be realistic, while children and horses are absolutely manageable I don't think that I would like to do it on a tight budget. Money does not solve everything, but a lack of it can be very difficult indeed. Do remember that relationships need time and attention just as much as children and horses do. It may be an unfashionable view, but I don't think it is reasonable to expect our partners to be happy if our lives are children, work, horses, and all they see of us is a wave goodbye as we leave them to childcare while we run off to the horses.

There is never a perfect time to have children, but you do need to be able to accept that your life will be turned upside down, and that your wants will become secondary to their needs. Honetpot describes it perfectly - you start off with all these ideas about how it should or will be, but later you realise that you have to compromise in just about every aspect of your life.

Think carefully, but not too much, and good luck.

My OH parents are up 5.30 every morning!! When I do manage to get up early I absolutely love it, it is golden as you say. And that's me without any responsibilities!

 

[Deltofe2493]

Yes, and she was handed that job due to appearing on Love Island and having a clever media team.. It's not due to years and years of hard work as she would make out.

I can see where you're coming from but it's just clap trap. Beyonce can hire a nanny, work when she pleases, has drivers, PA's, chefs, a personal trainer and probably a gym/pool etc in her house. She she doesn't remotely have the same 24 hours in a day as a Nurse who is a single mother of one doing 12 hours shifts 6 days a week and has a 25 mile commute; and for that nurse who looks at Molly Mae and suffers from comparing herself to other people, it's just another unrealistic expectation peddled out by a naive young girl, that will make her feel hopeless, useless and inadequate. Molly has had everything handed to her on a plate, she's been launched to crazy levels of fame and success just by chilling in the sun for 4 weeks and being filmed doing so, I don't think she said it maliciously for a seond, she is just clearly incredibly naive.

Yeah I agree, Molly made out like she's some kind of business entrepreneur when she's only been in the field for a few years and mum and dad would have supported her financially.

I think if any of us had the same resources as Beyonce we would all be the best versions of ourselves.

 

[Widgeon]

A few years ago I owned my dream horse and swore I'd never sell him. However once I had my son, my dream changed it was now all about my son not the horse. I sold him towards the end of mat leave. In hindsight I wish I'd listened to everyone and sold him whilst I was pregnant and saved the time and money. Everyone on the yard warned me this would happen I didn't believe them..

Ohh....this doesn't HAVE to be true, a good friend has a full time office job (WFH though), a horse and a 16 month old. I would hate to see her nursery and livery fees but they manage it, and she seems considerably more happy and relaxed than a lot of new parents I know. I'm sure that for her having her "pony time" has made things easier. Everyone is different, from what I can see I don't think anyone can predict in advance how their feelings are going to change when a baby arrives. I think you'd just have to try it and see OP, if a baby and horse is too much, THEN sell the horse. Surely that's better than selling and regretting it for years.

 

[Tarragon]

I did juggle working full time, with a family of 3 just 4 years between the oldest and youngest and had my ponies.... and looking back at it now, I also don't know how I managed. And that was with a husband who worked away from home in London during the week for the first 7 years.
I have always said that it is not until you have children that you are actually in your top gear, but at each other stage in your life, you think you are working your hardest. The school children doing their o levels think they are working hard, until their A-levels, then same again until Degree, then same again until own your own house and a career and then finally, at warp speed when you have children! You mostly manage ;-)
My ponies became my bolt hole and my sanity for me. I have never been competitive so keeping hairy ponies that didn't mind whether they were ridden or not were my sanctuary. It was my time I could hand crying baby over to husband and stand in a field with my ponies for 30 minutes. This probably explains why, despite having 3 girls, none of them caught the pony-mad bug! It wasn't encouraged

 

[Tarragon]

Plus, it is worth adding that having babies NEVER goes to plan - even if you are the best project manager in the world. It starts to go awry as soon as you make those birthing plans while pregnant with your first - and doesn't get any better!!

 

[Nasicus]

You know, you don't have to have kids.
Do you really want them, or do you just think that's what you have to do next according to the prescribed Lifescript™ ?

Embrace the DINK Life! (Double Income No Kids)

 

[LaurenBay]

I would start saving now for baby, then went you are on Mat leave you can use these savings to live off. £600 per month got me no where, I also get £56 per month child support. But it doesn't go very far.

I would also look for a sharer before you try for a baby. Hard sharers are hard to come by (but they are out there) going rate round here is £10 per day.