Feeling lost

Identityincrisis

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Excuse the long post, I need to get my thoughts down on paper and maybe get other’s perspectives. I know ultimately I am the only one who can make the decision but right now my head is a jumble

I recently, 5 weeks ago, lost my 8 yr old horse. I’d had him since he was 3 and backed him myself. He was a nightmare, he was aggressive, anxious, bolshy, spent more time on his back legs than on 4 (in hand) he wouldn’t tie up, he wouldn’t load (got Richard Maxwell in the end). He was pretty good to ride and I enjoyed that side of him.

Unfortunately on his first trailer journey, after RM had been, we weren’t even 2 minutes into the journey when he went under the breast bar, bent it up into a V and smashed the sides of my trailer, I found him ‘Supermanning’ under the bar with a fore leg over extended. That was the beginning of 2 ½ years of intermittent lameness. I half killed myself rehabbing him with in-hand walks through Winter. Unfortunately the time came in April where it was clear he wasn’t going to stay sound enough even to be a light hack. He’d also developed a huge aversion to even the lightest of traffic, putting me in ditches, through hedges, gates and trees at even the most considerate of drivers. Being a very hot headed horse he wasn’t a pleasure to have around and definitely ‘needed a job’ to keep his brain busy.

Between my injuries, caused by him, and his injuries, I only really rode him for a year of the 5 years I owned him. My horse before him was retired for 4 years before PTS so I feel I haven’t had a riding horse for a long time, I’ve only been an unpaid vet :D don’t get me wrong, I know this goes hand in hand with horse ownership and sometimes you’re dealt a shitty hand but I don’t know what to do now.

My life has recently flipped completely, I met my partner and fell in love, moved in together, got a dog, moved my horse to a new livery (I’d been at the previous yard 19 years!) all in 8 months. Now I have no horse and I’m not sure if getting another straight away is the right thing. I’m tired of horses and have completely forgotten the joy and love they can bring. Is getting a new one the right way to remember that? I feel lost with nothing to do with my spare time, the usual things of gym, walking etc just aren’t filling enough time

I handed my box notice in yesterday and I’m starting to regret it already. I like the stable in particular as I’m not a social butterfly and this stable is hidden around a corner and I can avoid the inevitable bitching that happens.

Coffee and cakes all round if you made it that far, and all thoughts welcome!
 

southerncomfort

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I think I understand.

I lost my horse of a lifetime recently. The last few months of her life were very, very hard. She was old and unwell and by the time she was PTS I almost felt like I'd been her carer.

At the moment I can't decide if i want another or not. I keep flip flopping between thinking I'd really like another of my own (currently doing the donkey work for daughters ponies), to not having the energy or inclination to look at a single advert.

Is it too late to rescind your notice on your stable? Because you sound like you need a bit more time to work out where horses fit in to your new life. You don't sound ready to completely give up and I think you are worried that if you take a complete break, you'll never get that part of your life back.
 

Midlifecrisis

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A lot has happened in recent months.. I would wait and see how Life settles down. Give yourself a chance to catch your breath. If you can perhaps hang on to the stable for a while. It may not take long before the genuine longing for a horsey companion comes back bu t don’t rush back into ownership just because you have “time to kill”. After my mare died it took a couple of months for the longing to return...
 

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I'm sorry for your loss OP, he sounded like a challenging horse buy saying goodbye to any animal you love is heartbreaking despite it clearly being the right thing to do in your case.
I personally think you need more time before owning another horse but perhaps a loan or share of a sane , easy to manage horse would fill the hole . You still get your pony fix but it's not so full on which leaves you time to develop and enjoy your new relationship and dog. Perhaps you could also look at dog related activities?
Does your new partner have any thoughts on the subject?
 

Pinkvboots

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You have had a rough run of it and understandably it can really put you off buying another, but yet at the same time you feel like you really miss having a horse, I know exactly how you feel been there myself a few times, I think I would find a horse to share for a bit or do you have any friends that have horses that maybe you could be involved with on a regular basis?
 

MyBoyChe

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Can you withdraw your notice on the box? I would carry on paying for it for the next couple of months and see how you feel in a week or two. You need a little bit of time to let the dust settle, you are either going to really miss the whole horsey side of life, the good and the bad, or you are going to be kicking up your heels at the freedom. If you find youre missing it you at least still have your favourite box on the yard to fill and can either look for a loan/share or a new purchase
 

Tarragon

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I would also keep the stable for a bit longer. Sometimes, the horse finds you rather than you actively looking for a horse :)
 

SpringArising

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It sounds like you've had a really crappy time and it's understandable that you want a break. But don't underestimate how happy a good horse could make you.

The horse before the one I have now completely sucked the joy out of it all for me. Sounded a bit similar to yours; he was a pain in the arse at the best of times and I had a few nasty accidents with him (and a tonne of other near-misses).

I got rid of him and was on the edge about whether to get something else or not, but I'm SO glad I did. I found my 'horse soulmate' (eurgh!) and genuinely can't think of life without him in it. He's everything I've ever wanted in a horse and he reminded me that horses are actually fun and enjoyable.
 

wills_91

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Maybe withdraw notice and pay to hold for another couple or months if you can afford to?

I lost my horse last September. I have not set foot on the yard since and although I miss her/horses I don't feel another one is right for me just now.
 

hopscotch bandit

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Excuse the long post, I need to get my thoughts down on paper and maybe get other’s perspectives. I know ultimately I am the only one who can make the decision but right now my head is a jumble

I recently, 5 weeks ago, lost my 8 yr old horse. I’d had him since he was 3 and backed him myself. He was a nightmare, he was aggressive, anxious, bolshy, spent more time on his back legs than on 4 (in hand) he wouldn’t tie up, he wouldn’t load (got Richard Maxwell in the end). He was pretty good to ride and I enjoyed that side of him.

Unfortunately on his first trailer journey, after RM had been, we weren’t even 2 minutes into the journey when he went under the breast bar, bent it up into a V and smashed the sides of my trailer, I found him ‘Supermanning’ under the bar with a fore leg over extended. That was the beginning of 2 ½ years of intermittent lameness. I half killed myself rehabbing him with in-hand walks through Winter. Unfortunately the time came in April where it was clear he wasn’t going to stay sound enough even to be a light hack. He’d also developed a huge aversion to even the lightest of traffic, putting me in ditches, through hedges, gates and trees at even the most considerate of drivers. Being a very hot headed horse he wasn’t a pleasure to have around and definitely ‘needed a job’ to keep his brain busy.

Between my injuries, caused by him, and his injuries, I only really rode him for a year of the 5 years I owned him. My horse before him was retired for 4 years before PTS so I feel I haven’t had a riding horse for a long time, I’ve only been an unpaid vet :D don’t get me wrong, I know this goes hand in hand with horse ownership and sometimes you’re dealt a shitty hand but I don’t know what to do now.

My life has recently flipped completely, I met my partner and fell in love, moved in together, got a dog, moved my horse to a new livery (I’d been at the previous yard 19 years!) all in 8 months. Now I have no horse and I’m not sure if getting another straight away is the right thing. I’m tired of horses and have completely forgotten the joy and love they can bring. Is getting a new one the right way to remember that? I feel lost with nothing to do with my spare time, the usual things of gym, walking etc just aren’t filling enough time

I handed my box notice in yesterday and I’m starting to regret it already. I like the stable in particular as I’m not a social butterfly and this stable is hidden around a corner and I can avoid the inevitable bitching that happens.

Coffee and cakes all round if you made it that far, and all thoughts welcome!
Keep your stable, offer to pay the YO a nominal rent every week/month until you have decided what to do, like really decided what to do.
If I were you I would see if there isn't something you can work out with someone at the yard to see if you can ride their horse in a share type situation.
But don't do as a friend did on losing her first special horse and go out and buy the first thing you see to help ease the pain. Because in the long run this can only be a recipe for disaster.
 

HeyMich

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Can you see if there is another horse at your yard available for share/loan? That would keep you busy, but not have all the financial and emotional ties associated with buying/owning another horse.

ETA - going against all the other posters above, I'd give up your stable for now. Another one will come up in time, and it gives you a bit of breathing space with no financial cost!
 
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Hollychops

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As others have said, if you can, keep your stable and give yourself time to decide what to do. Do you have a horsey friend that will let you help and maybe ride so regain your mojo?
I lost my mare 2 1/2 years ago and am saving for another. i did say i didnt want another as she was my horse of a lifetime, but with time i have changed my mind and will be looking next year hopefully.

Give yourself time and dont beat yourself up for not knowing what you want. Only you can decide that when the time is right. x
 

indie1282

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Keep your stable, offer to pay the YO a nominal rent every week/month until you have decided what to do

You cant offer a 'nominal' amount to the YO. You will need to pay the full amount as you probably know already.

But I would keep the stable for 3 months ( if you can afford to ) and see how you feel. I know you say you have nothing to do at the moment but things change very quickly! Sorry for the loss of your horse xx
 

tiahatti

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You have been through a lot & have been a horse owner for a long time. As others have said, can you keep the stable for a little longer? Have you thought about a couple of lessons? Maybe just having a ride or flatwork lesson would give you an idea of how you feel about riding?
 

LaurenBay

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I understand where you are coming from. I lost my Horse of a lifetime in Nov. My life changed dramatically that year anyway, like you I fell in love and moved in with my partner and his child. I became a full time step mum. When I lost my Horse, I was looking at other adverts right away, BUT I cannot deny the extra money was great and made me think twice about rushing to buy another. I did miss my Horsey fix though so I started to share, with the idea that I could always look for another Horse later in life. We also got the Dog, between housework, the dog, share Horse, step mum duties and spending time with OH. The share is working amazingly, I now don't want another Horse. I have saved so much money to plan for a future, enjoyed some me time (I forgot what else I liked to do before the Horse)
 

Identityincrisis

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Thank you all for your replies.

Tiahatti - I had said to myself I was going to have some lessons again, I loved my lessons, but had stopped them due to lack of horse power! Thank you for reminding me.

I think I will contact the YO and apologise profusely and ask to keep my stable for the time being. I will be saving money not buying bedding, feed, hay etc.

My OH is very pro me getting another horse although I have warned him about my ability to 'lose time' at the yard.

A loan horse is a very good suggestion as I feel I need a quieter horse right now but long term my needs may change.

It's my family who aren't being understanding, I've been horsey for 32 years and owned them for 18 yrs so I'd say it wasn't a passing phase, yet they are suggesting I should give it all up.
 

MyBoyChe

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IC, my own family would have dearly loved me to give up horses, my parents never approved even though I started lessons aged 5 (an auntie took me) and I always craved my own horse. Bought my first aged 16 when I started working and now, in my 50s, have my horse of a lifetime, supported by my OH who agrees I am a much nicer person when accompanied by the faint whiff of horse! Sounds like your OH understands you well. Definitely try and hang on to that stable in the short term and see how you feel in a week or two x
 

hopscotch bandit

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You cant offer a 'nominal' amount to the YO. You will need to pay the full amount as you probably know already.

But I would keep the stable for 3 months ( if you can afford to ) and see how you feel. I know you say you have nothing to do at the moment but things change very quickly! Sorry for the loss of your horse xx
Gosh we can keep ours for £20 per week until we find another horse if we are in the unfortunate situation of ever losing one at our yard. That's a shame.
 

dogatemysalad

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It's emotionally and physically exhausting caring for a horse with a disability and/or challenging behaviour. It's only been 5 weeks which is a very short time in which to come bouncing back with optimism and positivity.
If you keep your stable, you'll feel pressured into buying a new horse before you're ready. Sometimes it's good to have time to breathe and focus on other stuff. You could possibly get involved with a friends horse or just spend the livery money on riding lessons until you're lured back into ownership.
I love the fact that your partner is very supportive of you owning a horse, it makes life so much easier. I'm really sorry about the loss of your boy, he was lucky to have you.
 

Pearlsasinger

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You have all my sympathy! I lost 3 'too young' in a row. Then I bought an 18 yr old and lost her too, to Cushings at 23. She had been fabulous during that time though. I had bought a young cob while I still had the old girl but we keep ours at home, so the decisions are a bit different.

You have had a lot of life changes in the last few months and have been putting a lot of effort into your horse for a long time - when that suddenly stops, there is a void which it takes some time to get used to/fill.

Can you spend some time with horses slightly differently, for now; maybe volunteering with RDA, who are always looking out for horsey people, or at RC shows etc, or even an urban farm/Donkey Sanctuary type place? Lessons will be good way to keep your skills going for now, until you decide what you really want to do.


Your OH sounds like a keeper - there are loads of people wishing that they had such a supportive partner!
 

Orchard14

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You cant offer a 'nominal' amount to the YO. You will need to pay the full amount as you probably know already.

This depends entirely on the yard. At ours, when someone loses a horse we are given a month to decide whether we want to keep the stable, if yes he gives us up to 3 months free rent to find another and he holds the stable for you. He's very sympathetic to things like this and not bothered about the money.

I can't advise you OP because I've never been in this situation, having grown up around horses and owned them all my life I simply couldn't imagine, or want to imagine, a life without them so I'd be straight back on the horse market. I hope you get yourself sorted even if you can't make the decision right now.
 

indie1282

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This depends entirely on the yard. At ours, when someone loses a horse we are given a month to decide whether we want to keep the stable, if yes he gives us up to 3 months free rent to find another and he holds the stable for you. He's very sympathetic to things like this and not bothered about the money.

You are very lucky to have 3 months free livery. I dont know many yard owners who would be so kind :)
 

indie1282

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Gosh we can keep ours for £20 per week until we find another horse if we are in the unfortunate situation of ever losing one at our yard. That's a shame.

What's a shame?

Hopefully the OP will be able to arrange something suitable with her YO to give her time to process what she would like to do.
 

tiahatti

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It's my family who aren't being understanding, I've been horsey for 32 years and owned them for 18 yrs so I'd say it wasn't a passing phase, yet they are suggesting I should give it all up.
They have seen the tough times you have had. Perhaps they don't want to see you hurt again. You could explain that you are going to take things slowly, maybe lessons, loaning, etc.
 

ozpoz

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I’d keep the stable for a while if it is your space and you need time to decide what you want to do. I can understand your family too, if they have seen you through years of injuries. I’m sorry for your loss - give yourself some time before you make any decisions. X
 

Palindrome

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I would give up the stable and find a share horse, to go out riding without the commitments, plus lessons either on the share horse or a schoolmaster.
 

Orchard14

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You are very lucky to have 3 months free livery. I dont know many yard owners who would be so kind :)

Yes we are lucky but it makes sense. He would much rather lose a few ££ and have a peaceful yard than have to bring someone new in who might disturb it.
 

pixie27

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Sorry to hear you’ve had such a rough time recently. Personally, I’d let the box go and look at having lessons or a part loan/share.

Within 6 months I lost/had to retire my two young horses and was desperately searching for a new one. Kept a hold of my box, spent all day combing through ads and drove my friends mad. I felt totally lost without them and felt like a huge part of my identity had disappeared.

However it’s now 6 months down the line and I’ve taken a step back. I’ve stopped looking, I gave up the box and I’ve spent some of my horse fund on two decent holidays this summer. My confidence had gone down a lot due to tricky horses and not having ridden in a long time, so I’ve started having lessons again and will potentially look for a share. I know that whatever I buy now is unlikely to suit me once my confidence is back. And ultimately, I’ve lost the love for it - horses, for the last year - just meant heartache, bills, sadness and horrible decisions.

Having this time off has meant I can reevaluate what part they play in my life and let me save up a bit too. I’ve realised I lean too much on them, and without wanting to sound super cheesy, it’s felt like I’ve got to know myself a bit better.

Also, as soon as you give the box up - you’ll find the perfect horse!
 

Summit

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Can you withdraw your notice on the box? I would carry on paying for it for the next couple of months and see how you feel in a week or two. You need a little bit of time to let the dust settle, you are either going to really miss the whole horsey side of life, the good and the bad, or you are going to be kicking up your heels at the freedom. If you find youre missing it you at least still have your favourite box on the yard to fill and can either look for a loan/share or a new purchase

Exactly this...
 

Identityincrisis

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Thank you all for taking the time to reply, you did help.

I've retracted my notice on the box and feel much more relaxed already, as I said it really was in the perfect location for an unsociable sort and yard bitchiness really affects my pleasure.

I'm just going to take my time and not put any pressure on myself to 'fill the box', and enjoy a bit of spare time
 
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