Feeling responsibility but not affection towards horse.

cblover

cblover

Well-Known Member
Joined
1 October 2009
Messages
1,887
Visit site
If I told you the above, what would you say? I prefer not to go into too much detail but suffice to say I'm having concerns about one of the horses I own. I feel such responsibility for him but not sure we're a perfect match.

I feel very positive about him one minute and very confused the next. I've a mountain of auto immune conditions going on and it affects my energy levels. I've been through every possible 'what should I do' scenario and I genuinely don't know what would be best.

I'm not keen on the bonding word, but there has to be a level of affection/love between horse and owner......I'm not sure I have it with him. I do care very much about his welfare...in fact whats best for him come before what is best for me. Any words of advice?
 
You are not required to "love" every horse you know. As a former pro trainer I have ridden many, many horses that did nothing for me whatsoever, and even the odd one that I actively disliked; like to think I rode them all with equal attention and care. I have also loved a few, not all of them my own, and I can't really say that they were necessarily any more successful than the others. In fact my most successful competition horse I really didn't like at all, but he was "the business" in the arena and taught me an awful lot. When I REALLY like 'em I tend not to ride them much, actually :-)
 
How many horses do you own? Do you enjoy riding this horse? Why don't you think you click?

I own a lot of horses and I like them all but I have much closer relationships with some than I do others.
 
cblover said:
If I told you the above, what would you say? I prefer not to go into too much detail but suffice to say I'm having concerns about one of the horses I own. I feel such responsibility for him but not sure we're a perfect match.

I feel very positive about him one minute and very confused the next. I've a mountain of auto immune conditions going on and it affects my energy levels. I've been through every possible 'what should I do' scenario and I genuinely don't know what would be best.

I'm not keen on the bonding word, but there has to be a level of affection/love between horse and owner......
Click to expand...
At least, a level of affection/love from owner to horse, which can never be reciprocated to or on the same level - which I am sure you know, but is worth bearing in mind. It can take a lot of "work" (patience and effort) to forge any kind of emotional bond with a horse.

I'm not sure I have it with him. I do care very much about his welfare...in fact whats best for him come before what is best for me. Any words of advice?
Click to expand...
Give it time? Sometimes it is "love at first sight". More often these feeling take a while to develop. How long have you had your horse?
 
I own three. One is my horse of a life time, I owe her everything and she will be with me forever. One is a companion and the one in question is a three yr old that I have owned since a baby. I just seem to have no time to do any of them justice. He's a genuine young lad who thrives on praise and just needs to know you're his friend and he can depend on you. Maybe because he's not backed yet? I just don't want to do anything I might regret. If I was to go out and choose from a field full of horses, if he was there I'd choose him for his type and looks. He's exactly my type of horse, this is why it's so odd for me to feel this way.
 
Maybe you should let him go out on loan while you think about it. If he's not actually with you, you may be able to approach thinking about things in a different light.

Friend of mine is in a similar position. She bought the type of horse that she has always set her heart on and know that he has been broken in he's turning into a bit more of a handful than expected. Although she loves him dearly, he's really not what she had always hoped for and she's thinking of selling.
 
Okay well if it helps you any, I have youngsters going right through the range. The foals we all feel a strong attachment to at the moment as they are little babies. The older youngsters were babies once and as such they had the same care and attention and were doted upon also at that time. Some of my older youngsters I have a real affection for, a couple I feel nothing for them. Or at least I didn't until fairly recently I've started to have a bit of a liking for one of my 2 year olds who's really just been 'here' ticking over. As a foal we all adored him as he was such a fab little guy but then they grew up and lost his character somewhat, or at least all the character he had as a teeny baby. Now he's two he is becoming quietly affectionate again and I'm starting to see his potential as being a really great horse for someone. Now I don't know whether this has any bearing on anything, but his mother died a few months ago and she really was one of the equine loves of my life. He is starting to really look like her and he does some of the things she used to do and I'm noticing them. It could also be due to one of my other 2 year olds is just the most fantastic filly that she has overshadowed him for the past year or so. I don't know but I do think that if I was you I wouldn't make any rash decisions until you've backed this horse and see whether once you're riding him if you find a connection there. You've put in a lot of time raising this horse, you know everything that's happened to him and that counts for an awful lot.
 
I would miss him if he wasn't with me. He's a big chunk of a boy and very babyish for his age. This whole 'not sure what to do' is new to me. I'm used to having solid and positive feelings about my horses......he's different for some reason. I know he has lots to teach me and I'm listening, plus I'd feel a great sense of achievement if I back and educate him but with low energy levels and doubts I'm wondering if it would be better for him to continue his life and education with someone else. The thing that freaks me out is the thought of selling him and loosing the right to keep him safe for the rest of his life once he goes.
 
Do you spend time with him other than when stuff needs doing? If your determined to want to keep him for the rest of his life then how about spending some low energy time with him? If when you're feeling a bit under the weather how about just sitting with him in his stable or field and reading a book, just having some chill out time. If he wants to he'll come and see what you're up to and maybe even stay with you for a bit, and maybe you'll start to become better friends if you both feel that there is no pressure.

It's really easy these days to fall into the trap of feeling like you must be doing things with your horse because everyone else is and that can lead to stress and feeling as you are now. It's really not good for anyone to feel like that all of the time - equally it's a mindset that is difficult to be rid of, but please don't feel that you need to be like everyone else. You don't need to be rushing about trying to do everything at once (I'm guilty of that one and it drives me and my boys nuts).So take a step back, chill out a bit around your horse, tell everyone else to s*d off and just go with what feels OK to you and just do what you have time for. Happy days could just be round the corner.
 
Last edited:
I don't ' love ' my cob .i don't like cobs I knew I do not like cobs when I got him but he was well trained to do the job so I bought him.
I adore my TB his nickname is the child because he's so pampered he try's less hard than cob but I adore him and am not bothered about cob I love my kwpn and my ID is a much loved friend.
Sometimes I feel a bit sorry for cob he's a real trier but he always will be 'the cob'
However he lives on a very nice yard with lots of labour so they get lots of time spent on them he has nice turn out horse pals ( although he's turned out alone) never knows what not have what a horse needs so really I think he's doing ok.
You don't ' love' every horse you own some just do a job.
 
If it's any comfort, I know exactly how you feel, even down to the autoimmune issues and the fact my boy is 3 too.. I keep half heartedly putting him up for sale, but never quite get there, although sometimes really regret not selling him to one lady who was quite interested.
 
I have an auto immune disease too and very much dislike one of the horses in my care - though not owned by me I look after her pretty much full time. I tend to only do the necessities with her, ie I don't ride her as I have my own to ride. I'd never ever give her any less care - but I certainly don't give her much in the way of affection. And I certainly don't go out of my way for her. If she doesn't catch to have her fly mask put on/off, rug on/off or to come in for a feed or something then tough, I'm not chasing her round the field!

With my disease I feel like I just physically don't have enough energy to give her if I don't HAVE to, the little energy I have is far too precious! It's different with my own horse, and I'm 100% sure if I owned this horse I would sell her.
It may sound really heartless and horrible to some people but I totally get where you're coming from!
 
cblover said:
I own three. One is my horse of a life time, I owe her everything and she will be with me forever. One is a companion and the one in question is a three yr old that I have owned since a baby. I just seem to have no time to do any of them justice. He's a genuine young lad who thrives on praise and just needs to know you're his friend and he can depend on you. Maybe because he's not backed yet? I just don't want to do anything I might regret. If I was to go out and choose from a field full of horses, if he was there I'd choose him for his type and looks. He's exactly my type of horse, this is why it's so odd for me to feel this way.
Click to expand...

I can understand these feelings.

I had a horse (well I still have him but he's old and retired now), that I fell for immediately. It was love at first sight. He was a cheeky blighter and certainly not perfect but in my eyes was the best.

The I bought a 2yo. I bought him with my sensible head on and he fitted the description of what I wanted to buy. I liked him, but never loved him. I thought it was because I was comparing him to my old boy and that I was being unfair. I plugged on with the youngster - he had many fans who couldn't understand why I wasn't that bothered about him. Eventually I sold him as a 6/7yo and it was definitely the right decision.

I replaced him with a very smart horse - who I liked significantly more!! The horse was a saint and I feel a strong sense of responsibility towards him and like him a lot. But still not the same as the old boy. I had been thinking that it was something I wasn't going to replicate.

Then a chestnut mare rocked up on loan. She hit that spot / hole that the old boy had left ... which has at times choaked me up a bit becuase I genuinely didn't realise how different the right horses can make you feel.
 
It's ok. You don't have to love every horse, it just doesn't work like that. Anymore than you have to fall in love with everyone you date, or like everyone you work with, or get on with all your family.

Maybe give it some more time if you really want to keep him around, and see what develops, or bite the bullet and sell him. I bet he would be the apple of someone else's eye and I'm sure that would be lovely for him.

We have one that I just don't get. I don't dislike her, I just don't 'like' her, and logically I know she possibly the 'best' horse we have and a lot of other knowledgable people think shes the mutts nuts and would bite our hands off for her if we offered her for sale. But I just can't feel much for her. That's how it goes sometimes.
 
I go through phases with my horse and even the pet pony who is a total poppet most of the time, I tend to feel more detached when I am doing more chores and not really doing anything with them, and sometimes my ridden horse especially can be quite aloof if we haven't been riding or doing anything much. I find the key is quite simply to do stuff with them whether it is riding, going for a walkies or I find giving them a bath and general preen is quite nice. I think it needs to be one on one with each horse too rather than all of the horses together. I spend so much time just looking at them that eventually we need to interact or they'll forget what I look like when I'm not bending down shovelling poo!
 
Thanks everyone, I'm glad it's not just me. I've spent some time with him tonight and we've had a lovely groom and ground work session. He was great.....as always. It's me with the issue.

I think having a body that you know is failing and letting you down eats away at your confidence. My reactions are much slower which I get concerned about with a young horse but tonight was a pleasure.
 
I can kind of relate to this, I got a new horse last year. I did really like him and enjoyed spending time with him but felt he wasn't my mare who I had sadly retired.

He was unbroken and due to various reasons it took a while to break him.

I finally broke him in January and I can honestly say it wasnt until a few months later when we started doing more, going out to shows etc that I'm really starting to adore this little horse!!

Don't let it stress you out, wait til he is broken an see if your feelings change then. If they don't then it's not a crime, some horses we just don't click with
 
Oh bless you - I also feel the same about my new horse! I feel that some days we just don't connect and have to stop myself comparing him to my old cob that was like my best friend.

The difficult thing is that everyone who meets my new one loves him - he is beautiful and talented, and my instructor keeps saying how much better he will be for me than the cob........

Fortunately I do not have any health issues (touch wood) but also like you lack time to bring this one on and some days feel like he just a chore and an added expense.

I have decided to keep him through the winter - we hunt and he is meant to be a good hunter, so am hoping we bond on the hunting field. If not he will be up for sale in the spring.
 
I felt like this about our home bred filly... she never did anything wrong, but I never trusted or loved her. We backed her ourselves by hacking her out from home with my husband on my old boy, and me on the lead rein, and whenever we went out I was always thinking that I wanted to be riding the old boy. Rising five we swopped her for a weanling colt, who we still have. The person who had her moved her on straight away and doesn't have contact details (yeah, right) so I can only hope she's okay, and I did write my email address and a little note in her passport. I felt bad that I brought her into this world and didn't keep her, BUT I've never missed her, it is bliss to have the three boys.
 
not just you. I had to have my horse PTS in March, loved him to bits. Now have a loan horse who is doing everything I wanted- he's reliable, uncomplicated, I am back hacking, schooling and jumping and he's nannying a youngster. He gets the best of care but will be quite glad when he goes back in October. Don't want to keep him longer (loan was always for 6 months but have been offered him long term) and I wouldnt buy him if he was up for sale.
 
Your story is why I would never breed a foal or by a really young horse - I'm too scared that I would get it to riding age, sit on it and not like it! Good luck!
 
I'd say that I felt this way for my young boy Ben for 2 1/2 years of owning him, then my mare was PTS, and I bonded literally in that instant.. The weirdest thing ever, but my god, I'm so glad I had him. It's a totally different bond, not as core deep as I had with ebony, but still incredibly strong and I absolutely would not be without him. Sometimes something has to give before another thing can happen.
 
Sounds to me like you are externalising your own anxietys regarding your health and future. Its hard to bond with a horse (or human for that matter )when you dont know what state you will be in ,in six months time ,let alone six years. My own outlook on life has completely changed since my Xcountry fall last year. I can not envisage life without my horse,yet I do know that now he is by most normal standards,too much for me. It also terrifies me that by keeping him ,I might be ruining his future .When he is older ,and if I cant ride ,will I be able to find him a good home if I cant support us both. If Bob the notacob and I had not bonded so well ,I would have sold him ,because of my fears for the future. The point is that all this would have had nothing to do with the horse and everything to do with me.Incidentaly Bob has helped me no end towards recovery, I owe him a lot now. I am not sure how much of this is relevant to your situation but I hope it helps,even if only to show you that the rest of us also have these sorts of issues.
 
I totally agree that the concerns are about me and not my horse. I know I have the knowledge to educate him correctly but physical ability is what concerns me. I am on new medication so fingers crossed. I'd also feel guilty for letting him down without giving it my best shot, which is why I'm not rushing into anything. Such a hard decision to make.
 
Mike007 said:
Sounds to me like you are externalising your own anxietys regarding your health and future. Its hard to bond with a horse (or human for that matter )when you dont know what state you will be in ,in six months time ,let alone six years. My own outlook on life has completely changed since my Xcountry fall last year. I can not envisage life without my horse,yet I do know that now he is by most normal standards,too much for me. It also terrifies me that by keeping him ,I might be ruining his future .When he is older ,and if I cant ride ,will I be able to find him a good home if I cant support us both. If Bob the notacob and I had not bonded so well ,I would have sold him ,because of my fears for the future. The point is that all this would have had nothing to do with the horse and everything to do with me.Incidentaly Bob has helped me no end towards recovery, I owe him a lot now. I am not sure how much of this is relevant to your situation but I hope it helps,even if only to show you that the rest of us also have these sorts of issues.
Click to expand...

Fabulous advice.
You have just described me ! I had a potentially life threatening/changing condition, from which happily Ive made amazing progress, but the knowledge of my own vulnerability has changed me and my outlook on life. I have agonised over all the same things and eventually concluded that he is happy and well looked after and my friend.
The anxieties i felt during my illness and recovery made me question my capabilities as an owner and made it difficult to "love" him as his natural behaviour and my physical limits were often in conflict.
 
Horse addict- you are describing how I feel to a tee. I hope things go well for you. My boy is not the problem, it's me. I sometimes think I have so much emotion wrapped up in him, rather than not enough. Even talking about it here has made me feel better and more optimistic about things. I've done some groundwork with him and already have an improved outlook about him. He deserves the best.....I just hope that's me!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top