Feeling so frustrated and upset :(

Gallop_Away

Gallop_Away

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Really starting to wonder why I bother having my horses. Its nothing they've done. They are all angels. But my lack of confidence is starting to affect me that I honestly wonder about just giving up.
I have always been a nervous rider. Ever since i started as a teenager. I had a few nasty falls which didnt help, and a few years ago had a nasty experience with a bolter. Since them my confidence is incredibly fragile. Just when I feel Im getting somewhere I get shot straight back down.
I got my mare just over a year ago and she has proven to be a sensible girl. My confidence has built up hacking around at home and I was really feeling like I was getting somewhere.
Ive always wanted to go hunting and there was a meet at our livery yard today which i knew would be quiet. As we left however she got a little excited and started jig jogging a little and pulling. Nothing huge or dangerous but it immediately set off my nerves and we had barely made it down the road 5 miniutes before I couldnt handle it anymore and had to turn back.
Im so frustrated and angry with myself. I saw everyone else including my partner come back a few hours later after really enjoying themselves and it really hurt. I so want to be able to do these things but my nerves just wont let me.
Really dont know what to do. Have tried private lessons and still dont feel like its working. Feel so low right now :(
 
Nerves get to all of us from time to time - although in no way to I underestimate how bad you feel. Especially right now. But know that you are not alone and there are things you can do.

You could try a sports psychologist or NLP practitioner. There are those who specialize in rider confidence. I don't know where you are in the UK but there are also ridden confidence courses at the center for horseback combat which are very well reviewed (no fighting!) There are books and on line courses. Private lessons are fine - but this is more about how you feel than how you ride.

It isn't easy. Its horrible. And I know you feel like you are the only one who feels this way. But you are not. Facing it is a brave step. Wanting to do something about it is braver. Whether that does turn out to be taking a break from horses, or going to see someone, or whatever else. Its a step.
 
I honestly wouldn't do it if it made me that unhappy. There is no shame at all, there are so many other things you could be doing and enjoy. I have suffered with nerves an anxiety not due to horses but I know the feeling and it's horrible. I would no way put myself through that willingly. Your hobby should be your escape not stress you out.
 
It can be really hard if your confidence gets a knock especially with the bolting. But you need for your own sake to take a step back and analyse what happened without all the emotion. Don't beat yourself up, it does absolutely nothing to help your situation and is a waste of energy. Just relax, move on, learn from it and work out a plan to get you to your goal of hunting.

What kind of hacking did you do as practice? There is a world of difference bettwen happy hacking/arena work and a hunt. So maybe you might have made the right call that it was a step too far for you at the moment. Have you been out in groups of horses before cantering in field and if so, were you happy with your brakes and control then? have you schooled a lot cross country with a group of horses so you know how your horse handles ditches and waiting at fences.

Maybe the issue was that you took too big a step between hacking at home and a hunt. Then when something happened (the jogging) your nerves went haywire and you had a huge reaction to them. Your nerves are just your body going into protection mode. You had bad experiences with bolting before, so when your horse jogged, all that happened was you were afraid you would lose control. You probably did the right thing in that case to go home, especially if you werent confident you had full brakes & control .

What you need to do is break down any possible situations that could occur out hunting that would make you nervous
- horse jogging
- horse not stopping after gallops
- horse not standing still
- horse not waiting in line for fences
etc

and then practice these in controlled situations like xc clinics or with someone on a ride out.

If you were to break things down into smaller steps towards your goal then your confidence will improve. Why not start doing the shorter routes of endurance ride outs or le trec, that way you can get into the countryside, in a group experience, get used to open fields and get your confidence up gradually at a slow pace. Go with someone, and start trotting and cantering when you feel confident to. Gradually put yourself into trickier situations and gain the trust in your horse that you have control of the situation and are confident you can stop, steer etc. Once you have grown that confidence then try a few fun-rides and see how you get on.

But take the emotion out of it, everyone has nerves and there are techniques to learn to manage them. I completely lost my nerves after a really bad fall and found this book brilliant

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Schooling-Problems-Solved-Revolutionize-Neuro-linguistic/dp/0851317863

I also got hypnotherapy, which was amazing and worked brilliantl to get me going again!
 
Firstly take a deep breath and congratulate yourself on actually planning and setting out to go hunting! No small thing! OK, so it didn't go completely to plan but it's a start.

Do you have any riding clubs, associations nearby? I know that we have a few round here that run pleasure rides. Maybe you and your partner could have a go at one of those. I love them, there's no pressure and you can just amble around somewhere new without thinking that you are out of your comfort zone. That could be your first step, do some quiet ones, then some bigger ones and maybe aim to do some quiet autumn hunting next season? Or how about having a go at Le Trec??

Don't be too hard on yourself, confidence is a funny thing. I'm dreading what state mine will be after sustaining horrible injuries to my arm in a fall in the summer but deep down we love it too much to just give up. Sometimes you can't go forwards so go sideways and try something new.
 
Did you maybe push yourself a little too far going hunting. I'm a little nervous sometimes and for that reason wouldn't hunt, as much as I'd love to. You need to be kind to yourself, and work within your comfort zone, setting yourself up to succeed. You have nothing to prove to anyone so done think you have to do more than you're comfortable with. I have had a session (and will have more) with a sports psychologist specialising in riding and she's helped me enormously. I highly recommend that or a NLP practitioner. You can improve your confidence but you need to deal with it properly. You'll get there !
 
Everyone has ups and downs, and I can completely relate to the issues you're facing at the moment OP.
I was crippled by fear, felt sick at the thought of riding, a bag of nerves, a complete disaster. It's taken me about a year of plugging away at my issues to feel reasonably confident in most situations. I used a NLP practitioner, found a really patient instructor and a forgiving horse (but not a dobbin horse - who forced me to ride properly and not just be a passenger).
I found consistency was the key - and I still find if I don't ride for a few days I feel a bit 'eek!' but I now have the tools to deal with it.
I also wrote everything down, so I could track my progress, and it has helped to look back and see how much I've improved. The whole thing is still a massive work in progress and I have a way to go, but I am much improved on where I was a year ago and I will keep going.
Happy to talk any experiences etc. through with you if you want to PM me.
 
Thank you all so much for being so understanding. I dont want to give up my horses. Spending time with them makes me so happy and relaxed. Its just the riding that I struggle with. But when we do have a good ride its brilliant and I feel on top of the world after a good gallop. I recently felt brave enough to ride my partners thoroughbred who can be fiesty when he wants to be. I did it though, and felt amazing afterwards. Yet a few weeks later Im back to square one.
I do a lot of off road hacking and have cantered my horses in large groups, I do struggle going down steep hills but ive been practising doing it to.
Its honestly nothing my horses have done. Its all in my head. My horse stops when I ask, stands, and is usually fine in big groups going fast or slow. It is literally all in my head and my fear of what COULD happen. Its so frustrating.
Very interested in more info regarding sports psychologist though. Does anyone have any info about how to find a local one?
 
from wat you describe then you are well able for what you want to achieve and its just a mental issue holding you back - a sports psychologist and nlp practicioner would definitely sort you out!
 
It sounds like you've been doing very well but then perhaps overfaced yourself a little..?

I wonder whether it would be worth doing a couple of low key fun rides first to build your confidence up.

I totally sympathise as I too lost my confidence after being bolted with twice in a few months. I found small steps and repetition were key and also building up trust gradually between me and my mare.
 
Firstly, is your horse an experienced hunter? If not, then you need to wait until next season,, spend the summer doing pleasure rides and start at the end of August with Autumn hunting. Make sure your horse is NOT too fit! A big mistake that a lot of people make.

To be honest, even if your horse is an experienced hunter, if it hasn't been out for a long time (ie in the year that you have owned it) then it is only reasonable to expect a bit of excitement on the part of your horse first time out. Maybe putting an experienced friend on top for the first few times would pay dividends in order to settle your horse?

Finally, asking a horse to hunt from his own stable is quite another thing to unboxing and trotting a mile or two to the meet to take the edge of him! Last season my then five year old had an absolute ball at a lawn meet where he is kept. His field buddy (being ridden by someone else) started it and it soon deteriorated into a 'who can buck the highest/squeal the loudest/rid themselves of their jockey soonest' contest! Fortunately, neither succeeded, but it was a close shave.

You need to stack the odds in your favour to succeed - hopefully the above will have given you some pointers/things to consider before your next outing.

Good luck and enjoy!
 
Maybe a few steps in one go , have you been out for a fast hack with a group. I would backtrack and make this your big goal with lots of small steps in between plus be proud of yourself for trying.
 
There doesn't seem to be much consistency to your nerves. For example you felt almost up to going hunting, will canter out with others, but worry about riding down hills!

Do you have an instructor who is sympathetic but also a bit pushy? It sounds like you want to do it but stop yourself. What you need to do is feel scared but do it anyway, five times over!

Don't put yourself in a position where you'll fail though. There's a difference between being able to do something but being scared, or not being able to do something which is the reason why you're scared, IYSWIM!
 
SpringArising said:
There doesn't seem to be much consistency to your nerves. For example you felt almost up to going hunting, will canter out with others, but worry about riding down hills!

Do you have an instructor who is sympathetic but also a bit pushy? It sounds like you want to do it but stop yourself. What you need to do is feel scared but do it anyway, five times over!

Don't put yourself in a position where you'll fail though. There's a difference between being able to do something but being scared, or not being able to do something which is the reason why you're scared, IYSWIM!
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Exactly its the stupid things that set me off. I was bolted with down a very steep hill where the horse almost fell. Hence my dislike of riding down hills.
Im happy cantering in large groups as its on the flat or uphill and my horses know where we canter and when to go and stop. Yet my mare jig jogging made me panic because i didnt feel I could stop.
I do try and push myself when I feel its something I can do but am just feeling scared, but when it gets to the point where my nervous have totally taken over like today I know theres no point trying to push myself.
 
Norhing to add really that hasn't already been said, I am a nervous nellie following a trip in an air ambulance and three weeks In Hospital nearly ten years ago now but still feel it when control is questionable. True bolting is the scariest thing so don't trivialise how you feel and tell yourself you are being silly-you aren't!!

Breaking it down is a good method, plan where you want to be and look at the small steps you can make to get there. I've found a friend with the same aspirations helps as you can support each other. I've gone from strictly hacking only to riding club clinics, jumping, dressage etc (low level mind) with support from friends and a very good instructor.

Most of all there is no pressure, if I am having a bad day there is no shame in going for a walking only hack. Good luck!!
 
One of the worst things about it is hearing how great a day they all had. Even kids managed to go over me and I'm 26! I just felt so stupid and embarrassed :(

I have another gelding who is bombproof in ever sense of the word but he's been out of work a few months. Hes a true confidence giver though. Ive jumped on him myself when he hasnt been ridden for a while and hes never put a foot wrong. My yard owner who I always trust for advice has suggested I need to try and get out more on him and not just my usual hacking route. We have some beautiful routes through the forests and mountains but Ive always been very nervous as its lots of hills, but its something I desperately want to achieve.
 
Gallop_Away said:
One of the worst things about it is hearing how great a day they all had. Even kids managed to go over me and I'm 26! I just felt so stupid and embarrassed :(
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I definitely wouldn't be embarrassed that the kids went and you didn't! Most kids aren't scared of anything!! They have no sense of danger ha! I'm the same age as you and I definitely have less confidence then when i was a kid/teenager

I don't have much more advice to give, other people have said it all really. Definitely look at speaking to someone about it, i'm sure that would help you lots :)

Hunting is quite a daunting thing so maybe, like the others have said, focus on going on pleasure rides and doing a bit of XC - I don't know if i would ever be brave enough to go hunting so well done you for even trying!!

If your gelding really is a confidence giver maybe try jumping on him for a bit. Swapping and changing between horses might give you a bit more confidence anyway (even if they're both safe neddies).

I just want to say good luck and don't be too down on yourself, so many people suffer with confidence you're not alone :) xx
 
Just wanted to drop you a note to say don't be too hard on yourself. My confidence goes up and down as well - sometimes I want to head out on a fast hack, then on another occasion I ended up turning round and going home 20 minutes into my first sponsored ride because my pony was wired and I was petrified. Horses are supposed to be fun and we are supposed to enjoy ourselves, but sometimes we can push ourselves too far. To my mind you did well just starting the hunt (I've never been brave enough!) Baby steps :) xx
 
Gallop_Away said:
Exactly its the stupid things that set me off. I was bolted with down a very steep hill where the horse almost fell. Hence my dislike of riding down hills.
Im happy cantering in large groups as its on the flat or uphill and my horses know where we canter and when to go and stop. Yet my mare jig jogging made me panic because i didnt feel I could stop.
I do try and push myself when I feel its something I can do but am just feeling scared, but when it gets to the point where my nervous have totally taken over like today I know theres no point trying to push myself.
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I think it's more common than people realise to have completely inconsistent fears.
When I lost my bottle on a severe rodeo-er (that ended up being retired due to its exploits, even though physical issues could not be found), I was happy to ride it around on concrete in walk, but the thought of walking it in a soft and safe manège terrified me.

OP, I feel you may have over faced yourself a bit too quickly. Could you go on some fun/farm rides with a small group first?
 
Gallop_Away said:
Really starting to wonder why I bother having my horses. Its nothing they've done. They are all angels. But my lack of confidence is starting to affect me that I honestly wonder about just giving up.
I have always been a nervous rider. Ever since i started as a teenager. I had a few nasty falls which didnt help, and a few years ago had a nasty experience with a bolter. Since them my confidence is incredibly fragile. Just when I feel Im getting somewhere I get shot straight back down.
I got my mare just over a year ago and she has proven to be a sensible girl. My confidence has built up hacking around at home and I was really feeling like I was getting somewhere.
Ive always wanted to go hunting and there was a meet at our livery yard today which i knew would be quiet. As we left however she got a little excited and started jig jogging a little and pulling. Nothing huge or dangerous but it immediately set off my nerves and we had barely made it down the road 5 miniutes before I couldnt handle it anymore and had to turn back.
Im so frustrated and angry with myself. I saw everyone else including my partner come back a few hours later after really enjoying themselves and it really hurt. I so want to be able to do these things but my nerves just wont let me.
Really dont know what to do. Have tried private lessons and still dont feel like its working. Feel so low right now :(
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Be kind to youself, if it was your horse that had bad ridden experiences in the past and was nervous with new things you'd empathise and care about her more than anything, so afford yourself the same love! We are but animals too, we were born to keep ourselves out of danger. Push yourself a little at a time then reward and praise yourself after. I'd barely have entertained the notion of going myself!
Maybe break yourself into it like you would a nervous horse at shows. Go to watch. Take pictures. Have a mooch around on a friends chilled horse and then pop off again. Let a friend take her and after she's settled have a little play. Small steps and kindness <3 Since I thought of myself this way I've stopped being so hard on myself for being nervous :)
 
Thank you all so much for being so kind. Everyone on my yard including my other half is so confident I feel like no one really understands my feelings. Nice to know Im not alone xx
 
Well, riding isnt compulsory, nor is hunting. you can always own a horse and hack it or not ride at all. Just have it as a pet. Don't be so hard on yourself, take a deep breath , take a step away and reassess your goals.
 
SaddleUpSin said:
Be kind to youself, if it was your horse that had bad ridden experiences in the past and was nervous with new things you'd empathise and care about her more than anything, so afford yourself the same love! We are but animals too, we were born to keep ourselves out of danger. Push yourself a little at a time then reward and praise yourself after. I'd barely have entertained the notion of going myself!
Maybe break yourself into it like you would a nervous horse at shows. Go to watch. Take pictures. Have a mooch around on a friends chilled horse and then pop off again. Let a friend take her and after she's settled have a little play. Small steps and kindness <3 Since I thought of myself this way I've stopped being so hard on myself for being nervous :)
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Honestly Ive never thought of it that way before. Yes youre right id have all the time and sympathy in the world if it were one of my horses. Its difficult not to feel frustrated with myself though :(
 
Downton Dame said:
Well, riding isnt compulsory, nor is hunting. you can always own a horse and hack it or not ride at all. Just have it as a pet. Don't be so hard on yourself, take a deep breath , take a step away and reassess your goals.
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I know but its something Ive always wanted to do. I do love riding. Theres nothing I love more than a good hoon around the fields. It just feels like my nerves are holding me back from progressing and doing things I want to do
 
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