Feelings of guilt and hopelessness

J

JACQSZOO

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This post is a bit pointless really. I'm feeling really down in the dumps and I feel like a really bad owner.
As many of you know, my mother who lives in Spain has been very ill with stomach cancer. Her operation to remove her stomach was a success but she is not improving as we had hoped. She is wasting away in front of our eyes. We always expected a huge weight loss but she is still losing weight and theres nothing left of her as it is. She weighs 47Kg which is 3Kg more than my 11 year old son, shes 5'8" and looks like a POW. She just isnt eating. Yesterday for example she had half a piece of toast and half a cupasoup. My father is in bits. I've never seen my dad cry until the last couple of months and now he can't talk to me without breaking down. I am so worried about them both and its breaking my heart being so far away. At the weekend I suggested that she come home. The aftercare and support over here is far better than in Spain and I'm hoping that being able to talk to people with similar problems will help. So, after her next hospital appointment my dad is sending her to live with me.
I've struggled this winter, struggled like I never have before. I'm sure the weather isnt helping. I had planned for Georgie to go on full livery when my mum comes home, at least until I know where we are and what we are doing, but last night I was so depressed, battling the wind, rain and mud that I asked my YO to put him on full livery four days a week (the days I work) and part livery on my 3 days off. The relief I felt was unbeleivable. And I feel terrible. If I feel this releived at not having to go to the yard perhaps I should sell him. I've never, in the 25 years I've owned horses not done them myself. The guilt I feel is cruicifying me. Its not like I work full time, I do 24 hours a week over 4 days, I finish work at 3pm so compared to a lot of you I am already at an advantage. I just feel like I'm being a lazy madam for even thinking of putting him on full livery when I am perfectly capable of doing him myself. I just dont know what to do.
 
Don't you dare feel guilty. Things happen, at the moment your priorities are different, put him on full livery all week if you need to or maybe give him a holiday? You can pick up again in the spring, when there's more time and less rain...
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hopefully.

Hope everything turns out alright...

Hug
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EC
 
You are NOT aq bad owner and your are not selfish - you shouldn't be feeling guilty.

Your horse will be absolutely fine on full livery for a few days a week.

You have a lot going on at the moment and you need time for yourself and for your mother and father.

DON'T stress about your horse - it is better that he is on full livery than if you are struggling to do him properly.

I really hope there is some improvement for your mother and that your father can come to terms with what is happening. If she comes home will he come too?

Big hugs to you all. You're doing the best you can.
 
RE your mum- i think its great she is coming home to a caring daughter like you (((HEALING VIBES)))
Re horse: i think you are being practical not selfish and please dont sell your horse. It makes perfect sense (if you can afford it) to have the horse on full livery on the days when you are stretched. He will appreciate being part of the yard routine rather than have his mum rushing/stressing around him. Means the other 3 days you can spend QUALITY time together.
 
[ QUOTE ]
You are NOT aq bad owner and your are not selfish - you shouldn't be feeling guilty.

Your horse will be absolutely fine on full livery for a few days a week.

You have a lot going on at the moment and you need time for yourself and for your mother and father.

DON'T stress about your horse - it is better that he is on full livery than if you are struggling to do him properly.

I really hope there is some improvement for your mother and that your father can come to terms with what is happening. If she comes home will he come too?

Big hugs to you all. You're doing the best you can.

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At the moment the plan is for him to bring her home, she wouldnt manage the journey alone and then him to go back after a couple of days. Whether he will or not is another matter entirely. Personally I don't think he will want to leave her. They live in a very isolated area and leaving the house unattened is a real worry for them. They also have two dogs, which their immediate neighbour will look after for a while. Neither of them want to come back here full time unfortunately.
 
Don't feel guilty AT ALL. You obviously have a lot of other stuff going on at the moment, sounds as if life is pretty tough for you, and making the decision to put your horse on full livery means he gets the care he needs and you have one less pressure on you to worry about.

Choosing to pay for full livery is the right thing to do. the WRONG thing to do would be to just not bother going to see him for days on end leaving him standing knee deep in his own sh*t and relying on the instinctive kindness of other DIYers to give him hay and water. Now that is lazy and selfish... and I've seen it happen. I think you are being extremely responsible and sensible. Good luck [[[[hugs]]]
 
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RE your mum- i think its great she is coming home to a caring daughter like you (((HEALING VIBES)))
Re horse: i think you are being practical not selfish and please dont sell your horse. It makes perfect sense (if you can afford it) to have the horse on full livery on the days when you are stretched. He will appreciate being part of the yard routine rather than have his mum rushing/stressing around him. Means the other 3 days you can spend QUALITY time together.

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Another thing I feel guilty about. OH never complains about how much I spend on the horses but at the end of the day it is money that could be spent elsewhere.
 
You are NOT a bad owner...A bad owner would not bother making provisions for Georgie and just not bother turning up...You are having a very hard time of it at the moment and you know Georgie will be given the best of care..TBH horses dont really care who feeds/grooms/mucks out or indeed turns them out as long as someone does it
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Dont feel bad you are a VERY GOOD owner ((((Hugs)))) to you and your family

Mxx
 
I agree you shouldn't be feeling guilty about putting your horse on full livery, you are going through a very harsh time at the moment with your mother.
I know what it is like to feel as bad as you, I lost my mum and dad within 8 months of each other, and it is so hard to deal with!
I was lucky I had people around me that helped and if it wasn't for them I would never of managed.
Like you I started to beat myself up and wonder if I should keep my horse etc.
But you should definitley keep going as it gives you relief from your daily pressures, even if it's a hug and a chat with your horse.
 
[ QUOTE ]
Don't feel guilty AT ALL. You obviously have a lot of other stuff going on at the moment, sounds as if life is pretty tough for you, and making the decision to put your horse on full livery means he gets the care he needs and you have one less pressure on you to worry about.

Choosing to pay for full livery is the right thing to do. the WRONG thing to do would be to just not bother going to see him for days on end leaving him standing knee deep in his own sh*t and relying on the instinctive kindness of other DIYers to give him hay and water. Now that is lazy and selfish... and I've seen it happen. I think you are being extremely responsible and sensible. Good luck [[[[hugs]]]

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That was part of the problem too TBH. I finish work at 3pm and always make it a priority to get up to the yard asap. The horses are just hanging round the gate from 3ish onwards. My friend who moved to the yard with me works full time and often doesnt get to the yard till 7pm. I have never been able to leave her horse out on his own. So I would end up bringing him in and its just got to much. Last night was the final straw. I had told her about my plans for when mum came home. She asked me what time I was going to the yard and then said she was going to see a friend straight from work at 5pm. I got off the phone to her and burst into tears. Once again she would expect me to bring her horse in and made sure he had haylage so she could wander down later and not worry. I never get a thanks, its just expected that I will. Don't get me wrong, she is very good and if I can't get down for whatever reason she would do Georgie for me no questions asked and our arrangment has always worked well, but right now I can't cope with any extra hassle. She goes away next week for a week then again two weeks later for another week. I would have done her horse for her but I just can't face it at the moment. Hence why I told her about putting Georgie on full livery .
 
This person should have her bum kicked.
She should take responsiblity for her own horse after you explained what you are going through.
Just tell her you just can't cope with your own at the moment, let alone anyone else's.
 
[ QUOTE ]
This person should have her bum kicked.
She should take responsiblity for her own horse after you explained what you are going through.
Just tell her you just can't cope with your own at the moment, let alone anyone else's.

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Its not like that honestly. We have always worked as a team. But because I am at the yard earlier then I have always bought them in. I just get annoyed when she could be there and makes plans to do something else. I don't have that luxury. I don't want Georgie standing knee deep in mud at the gate till she gets down at 7pm so I either do him myself or get the YO to do him. Because its so wet I'm going to keep him in for the next few days. She has the day off this morning and has gone down and will skip him out and chuck him some haylage so I dont have to go down till later on. As I said it has always worked well for both of us but right now I can't cope.
 
What an amazing story - and don't you dare feel guilty!! You are doing so much for your mum (and dad too) and sounds like this plan is good for everyone - and OH will support you and your financial decisions because he obviously cares v much.....

We all go thru tough times and have to make the best of it - OH knows why you are doing what you are doing (it is incredibly selfless and kind to take mum in and juggle everything) and that's what makes you the person you are.

Ref. friend with horse at the yard - oh yes! bet we've all been there, too.....pls don't get upset - it is NOT your responsiblity....I know, I know.....you bring horse in because you can't leave him out there, but it she must step up to the mark now. I was in a similar situation last year and my whole world was falling in on me and certain people just continued to take take take until I was on my knees, and still nothing changed. Some people are like that. It is NOT your problem, not your fault and not your responsiblity.....

Good luck with your mum and I am sure that your horse will be perfectly happy in his familiar environment and seeing you for some quality time - I have yet to meet a horse that is moaning because "she never writes, she never phones...." etc etc etc!!!! they want their routine and their dinner.....!

Good luck
 
I am so sorry to hear about your mum. it must be truly awful for all of you. I also think you are being very responsible in accepting your limitations at this point, and putting Georgie on full livery. When your mum comes over, you're going to want to spend a fair bit of time with her, so knowing that Georgie is being properly looked after should be a great weight off your mind.

Don't forget to take care of yourself in the midst of all this - you will be no good to either your parents or Georgie if you fret yourself into illness.
 
I'm afraid I was'nt a very good friend last night. I left him out on his own. Its the first time I have ever done it and I felt guilty for that too. I just seem to spend my whole time feeling guilty at the moment. Guilty because I have been so far from mum. Guilty because my dad is not coping and I have'nt been able to to help. Guilty because I have'nt been enjoying Georgie. Guilty because my son never sees me because I am at work or at the yard. Guilty because I have bad feelings about my friend. Guilty because I can't cope with seeing to Georige every day. Guilty because putting him on full livery will cost us more.
 
Cant believe im reading this, you poor thing :*(

Your horse will be fine. Indeed if hes having time off also while hes on full livery, he will probably enjoy the break.

Hes at the yard hes always known, with a YO hes always known looking after him. While i do tend to humanise animals in regards to their feelings, one thing im pretty sure of is that they have little to no concept of time. Sure they have a body clock that kicks in and tells them when to neigh for food and when to be ready to come in... but i think they're clueless about how long since they've last seen "mum".

Full livery is often beneficial as it allows them a good, solid routine that cant be effected by outside factors; such as you getting stuck in traffic and being late.

You absolutly shouldnt feel guilty about having him on full livery. Hell, Ive used full livery for years and i dont even work.

The situation with your mum must be devastating and theres nothing more i can say than others have but honestly, your horse will be fine. And YOU will feel better and have more enthusiasm as spring comes and the weather starts to dry up. In the grand scheme of things... your horse being on full livery and even off work for a while wont matter at all.
 
Give yourself a break! You sound like you are going through so much at the moment - it will do you good not to have to look after the horse all on yor own - you should have done it before from the sounds of things.

Regarding the money being better spent elsewhere - I'd say most of us on here are in the same situation! Don't feel guilty for it - I can't image you spend a lot on yourself in other areas at the moment.

I really hope your mum gets better, it must be heartbreaking to see her go through this. Hold on tight and you'll come through this {{hugs}}
 
Thank you everyone. I admit I am spent. I have'nt really cried over mum until this morning and my dad TBH. I was trying to be strong for everyone and I know the next few weeks will be make or break time and at the moment it looks like break time.
Being so far away from them has made it seem like its happening to someone else. I've been over to see them several times in the last few months. When I go over it gives her a boost so I see her on her better days and I've been kidding myself. She has far more bad days than good. It only really hit home at the weekend. Dads best friend and his wife are/were going to see them for a few days at the beginning of February and at the weekend my dad asked me to go and see them and ask them not to come. He could'nt ask them himself because he finds it difficult to explain without breaking down. It would be so good for my dad to see his mate, he's one of those rare people who has the ability to make even the most withdrawn person feel better. I went and saw his friend, explained the situation and we came up with a plan. Rather than staying with my parents as originally intended they would stay in a hotel and would go and see them as and when they were upto it. I told my dad of this and he cried and cried. He is over the moon that they are still going to go but he wont have the added pressure of feeding/entertaining them and my mum wont be embarrassed as she suffers from something called "dumping" - whatever little bit she does eat often goes straight through her without warning and understandably this upsets her a great deal. I'm hoping that Eddie will boost my dads spirits.
Its all been a bit surreal, I have felt so in control until the weekend. It has almost like its been someone else that its been happening too. It has suddenly hit me that I am probably going to lose my mother and if things carry on my father too.
 
You must concentrate on your parents. By putting Georgie on full livery you have ensured that he is safe & well, getting fed & watered and is cared for. That is what a good owner does. We are all aware of how time & money consuming horses are but sometimes your horsie needs to take a back seat and you need to work on other aspects of your life.

Please don't feel guilty you can only stretch yourself so far and you don't want to make yourself ill either. I really hope things get better for you.
 
(((((BIG HUGS)))))

I think you need to have a good cry; wail and yell and howl at the unfairness of it all, scream, throw things and beat the crap out of a pillow or two. Just go for it and then when you stop you will feel so much better. Then you'll need a hot scented bath and whatever you do to make you feel pampered.

The person who's really been left out of your "guilt trip" is you. You do need to look after yourself. My plan would be:

Have a HUGE cry to get most of that out of the way.
Speak to YO about Georgie going full livery full time.
Speak to friend and arrange to go for rides / meet up at a regular time.
Give OH a big hug for being there and supporting your decisions.
Spend time you would have spent mucking out etc with your son and OH.

You've been, and are being, a fantastic daughter and obviously a tower of strength to your parents. Look after yourself so that when they come over you are fit and able to take the pressure off them.

Best wishes
 
please dont feel bad or guilty!!! Horses DO NOT THINK LIKE HUMANS as long as horses basic needs are provided, like food, shelter etc, horse wont give a stuff!!!

We all need some time out occasionally!!

This year (and I dont have the emotional things to deal with that you do) has been the first year I really felt like throwing in the towel with horses altogether, partly because of all the rain and partly as I am just finding this winter particularly crap!!! Not getting time to ride due to the weather doesnt help, and also commitments at work and at home are more than usual.

Put horsey on livery with clear head that you need some time out to spend with your mum who clearly needs her family around her.

Horsey will be fine and welcome you with open arms when you are able, will probably enjoy the attention from other people and just tell yourself its temporary!!

My old horse is currently on loan to local MFH, I felt a bit bad as I miss him, but does he miss me?? NO!! He is charging around the countryside several times a week having a ball! - probably getting ridden more than i have ever managed, still his same old self. He is there until the end of March and I have to say its been a godsend having him elsewhere and having one less to muck out.

Funnily enough his stable is currently housing my partners horse that we sold who needed to be kept in and new owner didnt have a stable, so in a funny way its all worked out.

Good luck with your mum, hugs xx
 
Please dont feel bad
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Stress is THE most exhausting thing...you need all your strength atm for yourself and your family. Its not forever and your horse, I'm sure, will be well looked after.

(((((HUGE POSITIVE VIBES)))))) for you and your Mother

xx
 
Jinglejacq, have just read this thread and feel so helpless. I can understand totally what you are feeling and can identify with many of the reasons you are feeling guilty.

This is a period of change and it is unsettling, but things will get better. You will feel happier about your parents once home and that situation will run its course. I am sure your OH and your child will be fine. Your horse will definitely be fine, don't even think if selling him. Let things run as they are and hold your nerve. I know it's hard but its better not to make decisions when you are stressed out and feeling terrible.

Sending lots of love and hugs and so hope you feel a little better soon.
 
Don't feel guilty - you're making sure ur horse gets well looked after!! It's (obviously) a v stressful time for u - taking this bit of time befiore ur parents come might let u take a little break and give a bit more time to relax.
I really hope things start to get better for u soon ((((HUGS)))) x
 
You need some support as well - you can't deal with a situation like this and still carry on with the rest of your life as normal. Leave your horse on full livery, or see if you can get someone to help you/share if you are worried about the money. Take the time to spend with your parents and look after yourself - your horse will still be there when things are better - which they will be again
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Are there any support groups or anything you can contact? It really sounds like you need someone to talk to and if people have been in a similar situation it can help because you know you are not the only one feeling how you do - helps you to not feel so guilty (because you really shouldn't). You may find you could get advice on how to cope as well. I hope things improve for you soon
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I can't really add much to what has been said, but huge hugs and thoughts to you, you sound incredibly strong through it all.

If we didn't feel guilt we would be bad owners, you are doing the absolute right thing xx
 
I echo all the above sentiments. My parents also live in Spain with some health issues so can understand how you are feeling. Full livery seems a good option, I know the money could be spent elsewhere, but this is an important issue and frees up your time. Hope things get better for you soon. xx
 
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