Finances - living together

paddy555

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But have things not moved on since the days of mothers being given an allowance, or 'pin money' to do things? I do not feel unloved, or demeaned, by having my own bank account. Surely it is what suits different people? Would be odd if we were all identical in our lifestyles, hopes and aspirations.

Of course it is what suits each couple. It was merely a comment. Not everyone in a marriage feels the need to control their own money, some of us are happy to share. My mum didn't have pin money she dealt with the financial side whilst dad went to work.
 

meleeka

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I have a relative that has a separate bank account to her OH. When she wasn’t working because she was looking after their small children, he paid an allowance into her account and paid the bills out of his. Her allowance was expected to cover food, child expenses, her car expenses etc, but wasn’t enough for any ‘extras’ such as Christmas, birthdays. He had plenty of money left over for his hobbies though and to me that seemed unacceptable. That’s not being a team at all!

Another relative used to pay half of everything exactly (although why she had to pay half the food when he eats a lot more I don’t know). Her OH earnt a lot more. Now they have kids she also gets an allowance. while her OH spends his disposable income exactly as he likes, she also doesn’t have any spare. I remember when she couldn’t afford nursery over what the government pays for, even though it was clear her child would benefit from starting slightly earlier, while the OH was up the pub with his mates most weekends.

I don’t think it matters how you choose to bank or devide the bills but there shouldn’t be a lack of generosity on either side if you are a team imo.
 
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MotherOfChickens

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have to agree MOC I don't forsee that me and OH will end up with a joint account just because we are different - I am employed, he is self employed, it's probably something that we will keep separate for ease of accounting as much as anything else etc but I definitely see us having a shared life and shared expectations together until one or other of us dies :eek:
Like a PP he buys scrap and tractors, I have horses... he sponsors said horses generously and I just ignore the tractor thing ;) different strokes & all that.

my parents have a joint account... and think we are weird. but I think theirs came out of necessity, mum was the main breadwinner and they were exceedingly poor so having one pot probably made decisions really simple.

quite, my mum was also the main bread winner and dad was given pin money from the joint account lol! OH os also self employed, I am not. People can have a joint account or not, its not about controlling our own money as much as me buying too many ducks with his ;) (JOKE! although I would buy ducks..)
 

cbmcts

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We have a joint 'house' account for bills that we put equal amounts in. The rest stays in our own accounts. Generally he earns more than me - he's older, more established in his career, does a lot of overtime. I'm younger, have career changed twice in the last few years and I'm not interested in working 60 hour weeks as standard! I would feel bad if he had to subsidise my choices. I'm a spender, he's a saver so this way avoids arguments and anyone feeling hard done by! He paid for his kids and I paid for my animals. He is actually very generous and will always offer to pay and/or loan with no expectation of being paid back if he thinks that i may be struggling. Pride very rarely allows me to accept though.

In saying that, we're not married, no children. If we had children and one of us had cut hours/stepped back from a career to raise a family, that would be completely different. Then I would expect joint finances and both partners to have equal access to all funds.

OP

Talk to your OH about what he thinks about money before you move in. Finances can be a huge source of friction between couples so it is really important that you can talk openly and honestly and get this sorted. In a relationship no one should feel unequal or unable to voice any subject or you will both struggle,
 

Muddywellies

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I would not suggest opening a joint account initially. If this happens your credit files will both be linked and if either of you have a poorer credit score than the other they can drag down the other's score.

This may not be an issue initially but if anything were to happen to you guys and you were to try and get credit in the future this could make things difficult.

This

We didn't set up a joint account till we were married.
 

Bertolie

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My OH and i have a joint account into which our salaries are paid. All bills come out of the account, including all horse bills. I deal with all the finances, hubby can't be bothered with it although he does have access to the account and online banking. We also have a separate joint savings account. If he wants to buy something he does although will usually ask if we can afford it first! Similary if I want to buy something, l do. As long as all bills are paid and money put into savings each month then he doesn't care what the money gets spent on and we dont have a set amount each we can spend.
 

Trinket12

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When we first moved in together we talked about what our current outgoings were, and worked out approx. what it would look like combined we then set a budget. We opened a joint account to pay rent, utilities and groceries and keep separate accounts for our own spending. When we bought a place together we got a line of credit that has a credit card, we use that for big purchases (appliances etc.) and we have a Visa that is joint that we use for things like booking holidays.

The OH earns a fair bit more than me, but I have always insisted on a 50/50 split. I don't have a horse, but its in the works. The husband also doesn't really understand the expense, so when the time comes we will need a good chat about it😁

Everyone has their own process, you have to work out whats best for you two. I think the key is to be open and honest when you talk, listen to his concerns (if any) and be honest about how you're feeling about the changes.
 
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blitznbobs

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We have always worked with a joint and separate bank accounts before we had kids hubby did another degree and I kept him during this time - best investment I’ll ever make... now I work minimally because of my husbands travel schedule and young kids so he ‘keeps all of us”in the manner that I’ve always wished to become accustomed... I don’t see the money I get from him as ‘an allowance” but more a return on investment... but he isn’t mean in any shape or form and gets that looking after kids is not a picnic... and I get to do my ponies as much as like in school hours... but we still have separate bank accounts it works for us.. but if I ever want anything Big we discuss whether we can afford it or not jointly and buy accordingly equally if he wants something big we do the same.
 

pinkypug1

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my hubby pays all the household bills I pay childcare and the keep of my horses. If I run out of money I take it from his wallet... I always say ‘his is mine and mine is mine’ thankfully he earns a substantial amount more than me and he’s very easy going 😉
 

twiggy2

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I am a saver, it makes me feel safe to have a financial safety net. My husband spent everything in his account and was always in the red.
Current partner is also a spender but it's in tools and items to generate more money.
I don't want the stress if sharing finances with him, he encourages me to spend on things I want which is great but I need to know I have money behind me and hr does not have that need. Household expenses are shared though.
 

Dubsie

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I've done it before now whereby total of household bills, including food and some for savings (towards holidays etc) comes out from 1 joint account and you both pay in but the amount you pay is split in the same ratio as your earnings after tax. So if he brings home 1.5 x the amount you do, you pay into the joint account in the ratio 2:3 so if total outgoings = £2K then you pay 800 he pays 1200. This leaves you each with the same proportion of spendable income left from your monthly wages after your outgoings.
However I can see some will say this isn't fair....you really need to discuss and agree first!
 

Fred66

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Firstly sit down and discuss it. he must have an idea of what you are like and has asked you to share with him as you are, so just ironing things out before you move in will stop resentments before they have time to start

Have and idea what might be fair. If you are moving in with him and he owns the house then to keep it clean don't contribute to the mortgage as such but pay a "rent" contribution. This keeps it clean if you split but also means you are acknowledging your responsibility to pay for accommodation and the upkeep of it.

Maybe have a joint account to pay for other household bills such as food, rates, utilities etc.

Then when it comes to going out say "I'm sorry but I put a side so much per month for socialising, and l do intend to stick to this, otherwise I could end up getting into a mess" then if you say in the middle of the month "I'm sorry I can't afford to go out this week but don't let that stop you" it is up to him to either offer to pick up the bill, go on his own or not stay in with you.
 

Identityincrisis

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Thanks everyone.

For all I'd like to share everything, he was very open at the weekend about his finances and they're a bit of a mess! I helped his see where he is overspending, got a few savings in straight away for him and left him with an action plan, it is up to him if he follows through!

We discussed splitting bills but didn't finish it, I find talking about money awkward! I will keep our accounts separate so I can save and he can do as he pleases :D
 
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