full time job, ageing parents and horses, not a good mix!

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thespanishmane

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Anyone else out there with the same?

I'm finding doing a full time job (which I dont like!) looking after two horses, on DIY livery and two elderly parents (mother and mother in law) a real strain. As we all know the light is going in the evening, so not much time to ride, just poo pick, water, check rugs etc. Husband not a great deal of help either as not always 'well' as he had major op last year. Poor m-in-law in and out of hosp as she has terminal ovarian cancer (lives 35 miles away) and my mother (fit but demanding and living 50 miles away) always on the moan that she doesnt see anyone (oh boy, she lives in a wonderful retirement appartment in Woodbridge, has visitors every day, but of course never sees anyone!)

I supppose I am just having a moan, but would love to spend more time with the neds, they are both doing well with their limited riding and schooling and I would love to take them to comps more, but everything else seems to take priority! Weekends are spent dealing with one or both parents, who (especially mine) say 'I know you are busy, but could you just.....' AAAGGHHH!

I sometimes feel I'm a bit wicked...........but oh to have some time!:(
 
You sound a very caring and responsible person. Take a little more time out to be with your horses and don't feel guilty. It will make all your problems just a little eaisier to cope with if you have a bit more time to unwind.
 
Try doing one horse (soon another ex racer to add to my one), a dog, full time work and full time uni!

I kid, I understand how difficult it is for you though, but try and have some down time with the neds, its the only thing that can keep me sane at the moment :)
 
I cant really offer any advice other than to say i know how you feel.
I run my own business with one horse on diy and my mum who was widowed a year ago. I spend all my time feeling guilty ... im guilty at work for not being with mam, guilty with nag because im not at work.... .
all i can do is sympathise!
 
I really sympathise, its exhausting.
I had 2 years of being the main carer for my mum with dementia, three horses and bringing up a young grandchild, and being the 'could-you-just-?-' person to the kids and 7 other grandchildren.

Mum would call at 5am and ask me to bring some milk and cigarettes, after having poured 6 pints down the sink and hidden 100 cigarettes somewhere. Aaaargh !

Hang on in there and even though it seems impossible, keep some time for yourself. If you wear yourself out, those who depend on you will be really stuck.

BTW, used to live in Woodbridge, I miss it very much, its so lovely.
 
Just had OH dianosed with terminal cancer, so am in a bad place right now.Also have 3 horses so am worried about what will happen to them whilst I am caring for OH. So feel for you. Can only say that horses are the only thing keeping me going at the mo, so stick with it .
 
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It is very tough. I am in similar sit,father in law v ill,my mum in and out of hospital,high pressure part time sales job where I haven't hit target this year mostly down to stress of home life so not concentrating- could loose job cos of it,teenage daughter on crutches and probably facing surgery and long rehab. Husband self employed and very limited work with ecconomic downturn so finances taken battering. Have long term health issus myself too.
We Have 2 horses,but have resorted to getting sharer for one with daughter out of action. TOUCH WOOD,its been working out well,as reponsible teenager comes and rides in exchange for doing jobs like poo picking,cleaning hens out etc. Leaving me some time to enjoy my hobby.
If you can consider this as an option,it could help your valuable time with horses be spent enjoying them and not just doing the hard work.
By the way, my mum says she knows where she is on my list of priorities " its the horses,your daughter,cats,husband,work,hens,hamster,the garden worms and then me!"
I have to laugh it off,as am on verge of not coping as is,but I can't spread myself more thinly so do not take it to heart!
Alma,so sorry to hear about your husband. Consider someone sharing or helping as the arrangement I have really helps lighten my load while allowing me time out to enjoy the horses.
 
It's exhausting but worth it. I'm lucky that although my parents are elderly and my dad is terminally ill they dont need 'looking after' as such - I go up every night after the horses mainly because I want to spend time with them. Before when we were nursing my grandad I was so tired I think I was in a sleep like state for the last week or so towards the end!
 
Get as much help as you can from social services, just to get the essentials done will let you relax and enjoy your life a bit more.
Is it possible to get some moral support with the horses, I used to muck out sometimes for a lady friend who was affected, she never asked for help, I just felt it would help her out, and she had a lovely pony.
There are loads of people who just like to be involved with horses but can't commit as an owner or sharer.
 
Thespanishmare and the others in the same position, I feel for you! Alma, I'm so very sorry to hear about your OH.

My 89 year old mum lives 350 miles away and I'm the only family in the UK. I was down there last weekend and she was ok, frail but coping. Yesterday though she felt very unwell and said her heart was all over the place. Of course I want to go, but its darn hard. Its so far and I run a business. If I'm not here it quickly grinds to a halt. I can't run it from where she is (its a manufacturing business, so without someone sorting out what machinists need to make, despatching orders, ordering fabric, invoicing etc etc it stops).

Also 2 horses at home. Just so difficult, you feel pulled in every direction!

I suppose its a little comforting to hear others are in the same boat, but wish none of us had the problem!
 
Your not alone, my father passed away 11 years ago, mum has since had cancer and many other problems all medical, it's tough but having my boy gives me an outlet, I spend a lot of time caring and feel a lot of the time that there are simply not enough hours n the day, it's good to hear others are the same, juggling work partners parents and horses.
Alma very sorry to hear about your OH I hope you are getting support.
 
Oh it does sound really tough. I think there have been very suggestions on here. I can't offer much in the way of advice for your terminally ill MIL but I can with dealing with selfish mothers!. I found that the more I gave, the more was taken so ended up having to be very firm that I would do x at x time. In my case our relationship has gone so badly downhill that it no longer an issue but it wasn't until I stood upto her that it got better. Just accept that if you spent every spare waking hour with her it would not be enough. Talk to the rest of your family so they all spread the "burden" and take responsibility. Ringfence some time with your horses to keep you sane!
 
Luci07 said:
I found that the more I gave, the more was taken so ended up having to be very firm that I would do x at x time. In my case our relationship has gone so badly downhill that it no longer an issue but it wasn't until I stood upto her that it got better.
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It is horrible when other people steal your time, the only thing you can try and do is manage it. Luci07 has a point IMO that if you don't try and manage your mothers expectations you will just get resentful and it will end up in a mess. If possibly try and structure the times you see her (for example, first and third saturday of every month and one lunch) and then ring her 2 times a week, set evenings, set times. This I think gives security to the elderly and then give her things to talk to her friends about in the meantime.

I found with my rather lovely but very strong minded mum that when I didn't spend so much time with her a year or so after she was widowed it actually encouraged her to make friends with other people and now she doesn't really have time to see me!!!
 
A big thank you to everyone for all the messages - as many of you have said you are in the same boat too! I am sure we often think we are the only ones. I work in a psychiatric hospital dealing with folks with dementia so my heart goes out to anyone with family members who are suffering.
 
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