Girlfriend upset about no horse

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mr2nut

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Hi guys/gals. My girlfriend used to have a thoroughbred horse and was part of her life for around 8 years. She recently (last year) gave her up as she was around £17k in debt, but to also live with me. She now owes tons of money but said if it wasn't for me she'd still be getting into debt now and still paying for her with imaginary money.

Now as an animal lover I realise it's hard, I lost 2 dogs and 2 dogs in the past but they didn't involve money that simply wasn't there in the first place. I feel like she always wants to get 'her' back and that her life isn't filled properly with just me.

Bit of a weird soppy post I know but do you think she's just been childish and trying to live a dream she simply cannot afford? Recently my father has just got into horses due to his wife so now she's jealous of them and I get the impression she hates them having them which makes me feel really bad etc.

Thoughts on this please. Strange first post but figured you people would be the best to ask.
 
TBH I would be gutted if i had to give up my horses and it would make me even worse if my oh parents suddenly got into horses, so no i dont think she is being childish, horses become part of your family so giving them up must hurt like hell....
 
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TBH I would be gutted if i had to give up my horses and it would make me even worse if my oh parents suddenly got into horses, so no i dont think she is being childish, horses become part of your family so giving them up must hurt like hell....

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I would be the same...

Horses are more like a lifestyle than a hobby. Agree a share would be a good idea.

I really feel for her, her heart must be broken!
 
Oh god, no she's not being childish- I can't imagine not having my horse I would be miserable. I was horse free for a few months last year and was lost and yes prob jealous of others who still had their horses. Could she not become involved with your fathers horses? Not as good i know and she may not want this but just a thought.
 
When I moved counties with OH, I nearly had to make that decision (to be honest horse would have won). OH made some big sacrifices to ensure my horse could come with us, he would have hated for me to not have the horse. He knows how depressed and grumpy I get without the pony!
If I had got rid of him and then OHs parents had decided to get into horses, I would have felt sick with jealousy.
So no I don't think she is being childish, but you are being very nice in thinking of her.
 
Welcome to the forum.

Well I'm afraid that if your girlfriend got into debt it was because of buying and doing things she could not afford. Most not all people with horses have to give up other things to keep a horse. The old veiw that if you owned a horse you were well off I'm afraid is quite the opposite nowdays.

At least if your girlfriend is clearing her debts she will see that onced cleared she can again look at either sharing or loaning a horse. I would imagine that to get into £17K debt as you say she was spending money that she did not have. A hard lesson that seems to be quite ripe in the younger generation today. I've always lived by if you can't afford to pay outright now then what makes you think you can afford it tomorrow. Wait till you can. Do not take on debt. I don't even have a credit card.
 
I'm afraid I think the opposite. I do think she needs to look at her priorities. I wouldn't necessarily call it childish, but if the money isn't there then she basically needs to get a grip, sort her debts and finances out and see the light at the end of tunnel once she has sorted herself out - another horse!

I'm saying that as someone who has had to sort her priorities out. I'm pregnant with our 2nd and we can't possibly afford livery fees whilst I'm on mat leave and we need the money from selling my horse to fund my mat leave.

I will get another, I just have to be patient for 2 or 3 years once we've not got two lots of childcare fees to fork out for.

I've involved myself more in my SiL's yard and will even more so once baby is here.

Could you speak to your Father and ask him if she can get involved with theirs?
 
Nooooo!!! She isn't being childish. Horses are in the blood once you have been bitten by the bug, I had a very nasty fall but still came back to horses after a couple of years break from riding and owning. Sympathise with your gf very much as I am currently horseless but popping for a riding lesson twice per week which keeps me happy until I graduate and am no longer a skint student
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It must be very hard for her to have given up her horse but it is great that you are sensitive enough to this to have recognised how much she misses horses and riding. Maybe treat her to a riding lesson for her birthday or something to give her some time in the saddle?
 
Welcome to the forum
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Sorry to be harsh but yes, I definitely think your girlfriend is being childish. In Jan 2007 I bought my dream eventer following my divorce - he was (is) 100% perfect, everything I wanted in a horse, and I loved him to bits.

In February 2008 I recognised that, now I was single, the money just wasnt adding up - so I sold him. It was incredibly hard to deal with, he was totally my horse of a lifetime, but at the end of the day I had bills and rent to pay. If I had kept him I would have gone into a downward spiral of debt which I would never have got out of.

Giving up a horse IS giving up a lifestyle, not just an animal, but sometimes it has to be done. Once your GF has paid off her debts then she can think and plan again how she can afford to have a horse.

There other solutions than having your own horse - as others have said, sharing is a great and MUCH cheaper option
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I am incredibly, incredibly lucky because I was approached by an owner who was paying someone to ride her horse because she didnt have time to do so - we now have a mutually beneficial arrangement, I get free riding, she gets her horse exercised for free! And believe me, I think how lucky I am to have found that every single day
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Very sorry, I have waffled on, but I have been there and done that, and have lived with the consequences
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Can understand why she is upset not having a horse if they are in her blood but she obviously can't afford one so why doesn't she help your dad and his wife in return for riding. Even if she can't ride she'll be able to get her scratch and sniff which might help her feel better
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My horse died last year after a harrowing illness & I was totally lost without him, so I can understand how your g/f feels. However... horses are expensive & in order to afford mine, I've had to work my a**e off, doing prof exams instead of going out enjoying myself, doing a further degree & really pulling out all the stops at work to claw my way high enough up the career ladder.

We also don't go on holiday & I only have new clothes when I've worn something until it's falling apart & I can't mend it.

If she's serious about getting another horse in a few years, she needs to understand that she's got to buckle down, earn some money & clear her debts. In the meantime, would she be able to ride or help with your parents' horses to help with the cravings, as other people have suggested?

I don't mean to sound harsh, but if she wants a horse, she needs to be able to fund it. My horse's illness cost £6k, so we had to pay the £1k over the insurance co limit and I'd have felt awful if we'd had to stop treatment because we didn't have the money. With horses, you really do need a financial cushion in case something happens.
 
Sorry if this sounds harsh.This is meant to be a positive post,about taking responsility and then moving on. Your gf will not feel at peace unless she takes full responsibility for the position she got herself into and moves on.

Her horse was her responsibilty,she got herself into financial problems and had to part with it.Sad end of that chapter really.She needs to lose the resentment and face up to the situation she got herself into.She is lucky she got a (hopefully)good home for her horse. And to be jealous of your father and his wife is pretty selfish.It's easy to be resentful and jealous of others, much harder to be happy for them and see how much pleasure their horses bring them.If she genuinely loves horses why doesn't she offer to help your Father with theirs or volunteer at a horse sanctuary? You shouldn't feel bad at all, you sound very supportive.

Hope your gf can see it's not about what we can get out of horses all the time, it's about what we can give to them...the local horse sanctuary would love her help I'm sure, and she would feel much better helping unfortunate horses than being resentful for something of her own doing.

Hope she can move on, and love and be around horses even if they aren't her own.Especially when they aren't her own,takes a loving person to care that much.Maybe it's something you can do together,helping with rescue horses gives you so much more back than you put in
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I've got my 3(I'm far from rich but they are my priority.Can't remember the last time I bought anything new for myself
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) but still help out at the sanctuary when I can.I'm not Mother Teresa lol, I just love horses in general, not only my own
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Hope this has helped look at things a different way even just a little?
 

I think she is being incredibly childish! She got herself into debt, so she had to make drastic cutbacks to get herself out of debt. That's life! We can't have it all our own way! She is still in debt (again her own fault) and is jealous and 'hateful' of others because they have a horse and she doesn't? Good grief.
 
Welcome to the forum.

I don't think your gf is being childish and I can understand how bereft she must feel without her horse, but surely she needs to think about her priorities? I dreamt of owning a horse for 30yrs, but waited until I knew I could really afford to keep one, and however much I love my boy my family would always come first and I couldn't get into serious debt over him. I make sure he is fully insured and save all of my money each month for the unexpected so hopefully we will always be alright.

I really hope your gf can sort things out, and others have said there are ways to be with horses without owning.
 
Yes she is 100% selfish and needs to get real - her fault she got into debt so it her problem

If she misses that much she can always pay 20 quid for a hack at a local riding school once a month or have a lesson every now and again.

Sounds like she needs a rite kick up the arse - she is obvoulsly jealous and bitter about the dad getting into horses - maybe if she were a bit more positive she could join in the family's new found equine fun!

Dont give in and let her get one and skank you out of money - if she wants one tell her to get another job or get on with paying her debt !!

I feel for you - if she is always saying stuff like her life isnt full with just you - thats not on - tell her to Pi$$ off!!

Im a single person and pay for everything myself - I nearly had to sell my pony a few months back as I just couldnt afford - but I went out and got a better job with a better wage and now I can thanks god - but its as easy as that - if you want one you have to work bl00dy hard to keep one x
 
I can understand that she feels awful, and the resentment of others that have got horses, as others have said it's a way of life not just a hobby, but it is an expensive one, and most people aren't lucky enough to be able to afford it without making sacrifices. I had a while with no horse, and I will never be doing that again! I couldn't be without my boy, and no matter what my cicumstances were I would do anything but sell, but people have different priorities, and it's irresponsible to get into such debt in the first place, so the way I see it, it was her own doing and she should have really learnt her lesson from it. There are plenty of ways of being around horses without having to own one, there's lots of people around in need of a helping hand with their horses.
 
Just because she no longer has her horse, it does not been she has to give up horses or not have them in her life.

There are plenty of people out there that would love someone who is experienced, good rider, mature person to help them with their horses, be it daily chores or help exercising, or helping out at a local riding school, livery yard on weekends...the list is endless! but they wont come to her, she needs to ask about, or advertise. Sitting at home mulling over the past and watching your family members enjoy a hobby and love for horses that she once had, along with the pressure of getting on top of things money wise will not help.

If you ask me, getting her back into horses will not only cheer her up, it will no doubt help her feel more self motivated and driven, which will help her towards working hard to clear her dept.

Basically, from a girls point of view...... sit her down, have a nice chat, tell her you love her and that you want her to be happy, you understand the sacrifice she made selling her horse, that it was hard but it was the right thing to do at the time, in time she may be able to buy her own again once she is more financially stable etc but in the meantime you'd like to see her still enjoy her hobby because its something she loves etc etc

I'm sure after she's had a few days to think about it she'll realise your right and she'll do something about it and of course...thank you for helping sorting her head out.

Don't recommend her helping your mum/dad unless they really do get on really well, otherwise it could lead to more headaches!

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I gave up my Welsh Cob stallion because I couldn't afford to keep him any more. I was miserable and put on 8st through comfort eating trying to fill the gap without him (thankfully lost it all again now). It helped to wreck my marriage because I was a miserable cow!!! But I knew and still know that I will not get into debt for a horse. I have been lucky enough to ride for other people for the last 5 years and I suggest thats what your girlfriend should do. Its hard work, can be disappointing but at least I had horses in my life. I've never had money problems as I live within my means and I've had three jobs before now to keep what I have. But now I'm in a position to have one of my own again and I can't find one!!! So your girlfriend needs to sort out her priorities, there are other ways to having a horse. It is a way of life and there is something missing when life is without a horse of some sort. You will not fill that gaping hole so don't try to, but push your girlfriend to find a way of working for rides.
 
Plenty of people have horses without getting into 17k of debt. In fact its hard to see why you would get into that amount of debt just from a horse, unless it was for serious vets bills not covered by insurance or she was a serious competition rider at a high level. I don't think its the horses that cause debt, its the attitude to life and the debt might come from anything. Likewise, I don't see why someone needs necessarily to be in debt just because they are not living with someone - I think she needs to take responsibility for her own life.

Its perfectly possible to be involved with horses quite cheaply - good reliable sharers are in great demand and if she is a decent rider and can do some schooling, she might even get a share for free. Some people even manage to make money out of horses - I avoided student debt due to the money I made working with and riding horses during my university holidays, and I didn't do any training or have any qualifications with horses, just my experience and willingness to work and ride and learn.

I don't see why she would be jealous of your father's horses. Why does'nt she get involved? If she doesn't want to, then thats her problem, if they don't want her to then she could get involved with someone else's horses. I know if I could find a reliable helper, they would get free riding and be most welcome to come along to shows and events.

OK, this type of involvement may not involve the luxury horsebox, top ready trained showjumper or top livery yard, but its certainly possible to be involved with horses for relatively little outlay. Or it might involve the top trained shlwjumper eventually, but she may have to do the training herself! Whats more important to her, the doing and being with horses or the acquisition of nice things?

I don't know her, and perhaps have totally the wrong impression, but from what you write, it sounds as if she is trying to make you feel guilty so that you will go out and fund her hobby, rather than her having to fund it herself. In which case, you may find that its never-ending.
 
Things you should do: DON'T buy her a horse, fund one, or be a 'guarantor' for one. If it went wrong, you could be left with it whilst she vanishes over the horizon. Besides, an adult shouldn't ask, or expect, another to fund their dreams.

Things she should do: Get her debt paid off before she contemplates making such a chronically expensive purchase. If she buys a horse now, the headway she makes into paying off her debt will be hugely diminished, or even reversed.

Like HH said, getting into £17k of debt takes some real effort. She needs to tackle her spending-habit first. If she insists that she wants to buy a horse now, make it clear that you will be in no way responsible for it. If she can wait till she's paid off her debt, give her lots of support, since it'll take a few years which will probably feel like a prison sentence for her. Meanwhile, as others have said, suggest that she gets involved with local yards, sharing, lessons and whatnot. If she really wants to do horsey things until she can have her own again, owners are crying out for help.
 
Im abit of both here:

I am in a LOT of debt (17k is a drop in the ocean!) partly because i was screwed over by a dealer, partly because my car got written off and partly from my lifestyle which was nothing to do with horses and partly from my OH trying a new career which meant i had to fund him over a year which ended up going on credit as it wasnt possible to do it.

Now, i have 4 horses (god help, the last one was not supposed to happen!) in order to fund my herd my mum officially took ownership of my yearling and hence pays her livery plus shes in love with her!
I also work 3 jobs, am VERY tight with my money and almost begrudged buying myself a pair of jeans yesterday because they cost £40.00 even though i havent bought myself anything in months and my last pair have been stitched to oblivion!
My OH treats us to meals out and in return i'll suprise him with a cooked dinner when hes had a hard day at work.

I am also funding myself through Uni to do my social work degree whilst working my 3 jobs. Fortunatley my jobs pay very well as i am self employed but i still have to do it.

These are the sacrifices i make- my OH understands and doesnt complain about me working all hours- our time together is special when we can get it and neither of us would change the way it is.

Within a few years my mums yearling will be on loan (shes too small @13hh) my mare will be for my mum to start to ride and my new baby will be my new project.

Nonetheless, i have a hard 3years slog at Uni and i will not complain or be moody about my choice of lifestyle (horses) nor my choice of career (uni)

Theese are MY choices and i make the sacrifices that go with it.
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Perhaps your GF might have taken on an extra job if it meant she could move in with you and keep her horse?
I know for a fact i am willing to work my ar*e off if i need to and i have no issues or complaints doing so.
 
I fully agree with what you've said but she says that i'll never understand how it feels and that she had to give up her girl to be with me as if I should be impressed with?! I'd give up my car hobby to be with her so I don't see why she thinks that way.

I'm probably making her seem more moany than she is, she gets like this when she sees other people with their horses etc and it's because her horse was a right cow and she doesnt think the new owners will have kept her or treat her right.
 
I appreciate all the replies, thanks people. I do personally think it was childish to keep putting stuff on credit cards that she KNEW she couldnt afford all along. When she was in 5k debt surely thats a sign that it will get worse and that eventually you'll be forced to sell up? I believe that the longer you leave it the worse it gets too.

I think she has been spoilt by letting her stay at her fathers house in his stable over the years. I think family members should have realised that at 20 she could nowhere NEAR afford to keep a thoroughbred with a dodgy leg that couldn't be riden much anyway.

I am a very supportive b/f and love her to bits and would do anything to help support it, providing the cash was litterally flowing in and was spare to help her. I have my own hobbies that I would love to do more such as buying a Ferrari F40, but I know it's not possible so I don't bother doing it for that reason. I have a debit card and wouldn't have a credit card given. I even pay for everything cash and the only debt I have is my mortgage but I see that as an investment.

Like people have said, she should have realised early on and not made it worse by getting to love her more and keeping her putting off the inevitable. Now she has 5 years of paying pretty much every bit of spare cash for no reason but for lining an already-rich bank mans pocket while we now struggle to do anything we like.

I refuse to give her any of my money and spend it on either the house (in which case she is lucky) or to fund my own hobbies. Some may see this as selfish, but I believe she should sort her own debt out as much as i'd like to help.
 
She is trying a guilt trip - is £17ks worth of debt not the reason she had to sell her horse!

Why should you use your money to give her something that she can't have at the moment through her own stupidity. I certainly wouldn't expect my husband to fund my horse - I have a full time job - and he wouldn't expect me to fund his football etc.

As I've said before, I've had to sell my horse for financial reasons. Yes I'm gutted, but I know that in 3 years time my situation will be different, toddler and bump will be older. I'm certainly not going to sulk because most of my hubbies family have horses - I'm going to get involved that way and thank my lucky stars that I'll have a range of horses to ride at no cost to me.

Your GF needs to learn a lesson and it looks as though its going to be the hard way.
 
I know what your saying but I aren't dumping her lol. I'm making her pay off her debts and she will be good with money once it's done, she has learnt her lesson the hard way and owes around 350quid each month which keeps her skint. After 5 years she'll be so pissed off she'll never do it again and if she does, well then I really will re-think what I think of her.

The thing that guts me is the fact that if she didn't have this debt we would be very well off and I could go to Florida holidays and do a lot more things which is annoying but I guess i'll only be 27 once her debt is gone and she'll only be 31.

She said she wouldn't have changed the debt she was in and would have kept going if it wasn't for me. I appreciate what she gave up but in my eyes she should have realised it was stupid from the start, instead of racking up daft bills and making it worse for herself AND the horse by getting more and more used to her instead of facing up to the facts that she couldn't afford her.
 
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