Grief, anger, and second-guessing

[JaneLA]

Hello, all!

I'm writing from Los Angeles, and this is my first post - I put my elderly mare down three weeks ago today and I'm still so terribly stuck in the grief and the what-ifs and the guilt - she was a senior school horse (laminitic/totally rotated in right front) who I adopted when she was approximately 24/25 years old. I had her for six years and managed to keep her pretty sound through good shoeing and weight management. She was an absolute joy. But after her last shoeing, she came up a little lame in the left front. With some Bute and light exercise it seemed to improve (the farrier came back out to check for a hot nail, or any other issue, and found nothing). Then shortly thereafter her next door neighbor, to whom she was deeply attached, left abruptly (hours notice) due to the owner's dispute with management. My horse is exceptionally herd bound and was terribly upset. We tried moving her, we tried putting a new horse in the empty stall, light sedation, nothing worked - her pacing was incessant. And this pacing must have exacerbated whatever was brewing in that left foot. The vet came and took blood (normal), x-rays (no rotation, but did see severe arthritis in the left front, bone on bone). We attempted, over three days, to give her a chance to heal and managed her pain. But she grew worse more pained, and thanks to putting more weight on her rotated right front, she ended up being severely lame in both. At nearly roughly 31/32 years old, I made the decision to have her euthanized. And I'm still heartsick over it. The process wasn't smooth (the vet tech yelling "quit!" at her when she struggled, hitting her head on the stall bars on her collapse) and I'm still racked with questions about what I could have done better. How did it go so badly so quickly? How do I get over the anger of the next door neighbor giving me no notice, the unprofessional final euthanasia process? I know she was quite elderly, and as a sleep crasher, I'm grateful I never had to find her prone or broken in her stall one morning. I'm also grateful she never has to face another cold, wet winter. But I'm just bereft and angry and could really use some wise thoughts from experienced owners. Her name was Flo, and I loved her.

 

[Meowy Catkin]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. RIP Flo.

When I read your post, I couldn't see a single thing that you did wrong. You managed her issues for 6 years with success. When an unexpected event happened, you made steps to ease the situation (moving stable, new companion, sedation) and you got the vet involved when she needed one. I would have done exactly this too.

The vet tech was not professional but that was not your fault.
Her usual horse buddy left and this was not your fault.
You are a good owner who loved their horse and did their best right to the very end.

Sometimes we do all we can and we still end up with a dead horse. I had it happen with my TB who had to be euthanized due to colic. It is heartbreaking. Grief is a very individual thing and three weeks is not a long time.

You clearly loved her dearly, that is a beautiful photo of you both.

 

[JaneLA]

Thank you so much for your kind reply, Meowy - I really appreciate it - I hate so much that Flo had to experience the loss of her friend, and then be barked at in her last minute of fear - I can hardly bear to think of it - she deserved so much better - I pray she understood and is at peace, and I also hope that I can be forgiving in time - thank you again!

 

[HashRouge]

I just want to second what Meowy Catkin said. You did your absolute best for your horse and looked after her so well, but sometimes events are just beyond our control. I hope you can forgive yourself over time, because you didn't do anything wrong and there is no reason for you to feel guilty. The reason you do is because you are clearly a very caring owner xx

 

[Ample Prosecco]

Echo all the above. You gave your gorgeous horse a wonderful life in her twighlight years.
If only every older horse could be so lucky. There was nothing more you could have done. I am so very sorry for your loss. X

 

[JackFrost]

Meowy has said it all. A horse over 30 years is not getting younger, the difficulties only get worse and harder to manage. And yes, as you say, winter is coming on and there were no easy alternatives. It is so hard, even with the ones that go peacefully. It might be worth remembering that grief is messy and difficult, the psychologists say that anger, denial, regret and so on are all normal parts of what is a process that we go through each on our own way until we find peace. I think most of us on this forum will be sure that Flo is safe now and free from her pain, and that one day you may hope to be back with her again. I think you have been a responsible owner and a true friend to Flo. xxx

 

[PinkvSantaboots]

I am so sorry for your loss but I think with most pts the guilt feeling is just what goes with it, I have had 2 pts and felt terribly guilty although I knew I couldn't have done anything else.

You honestly had no other option and she lived a lovely long life it's a good age to get to, all I can say is it can take time but it does get easier I promise just be kind yourself and try to think of all the lovely times you had together.

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

I am so sorry for your loss. As MC says you really couldn't have done anything differently. Some people around you and your horse could have done things differently but there was nothing you could have done to influence that. Ty to take comfort from the fact that you gave your horse a lovely, happy last few years. and concentrate on your good memories of spending time with her. I have a Flo too.

 

[Leafcutter]

No one could have done more, if only all older horses could have an owner like you, the world would be a much better place. It will get easier with time, and you will be able to remember the great times you had together with pleasure. Please take care of yourself now, you are a wonderful owner and she was very lucky to have you.

 

[IrishMilo]

I understand your feelings of guilt and sadness - they're totally normal. However, you did nothing wrong and everything right. The vet was cruel and unprofessional but you never could have prevented that - you didn't ask for him to behave that way and had you known he was going to you would have asked for someone else.

Your mare is now at peace and no longer suffering. Arthritis was never going to get better so you did the kind thing and put her out of her pain.

 

[JaneLA]

Dear kind people -
Your messages are everything I've been needing and more. I've received love and sympathy from non-horse friends here and of course have been grateful, but what I was craving was the opinions of true horse people, those who understand the delicate dance of equine medical care and the particular grief and guilt that comes from losing one of these magnificent souls. I couldn't be more grateful to each of you. I wish you all and your beautiful beasts much health, longevity, and joy. If my heart should heal and I get back into ownership one day, I'll be sure to share my new friend with you here. Be safe, be happy. XOXO Jenny and dearest, dearest Flo

 

[Meowy Catkin]

Thanks Jenny. I'm glad that we were able to help you, even just a tiny bit, during this heartbreaking time. I wish you all the best for the future.

 

[EllenJay]

I lost my old boy on 31st October - so it's only been 2.5 weeks. Even though I knew it was the only thing I could do and he went very peacefully, I still feel terrible sadness and guilt that I couldn't do more. I had him for over 20 years and he was in happy retirement for the last 6 years.

Be kind to yourself, you did your very best for your girl and you can't do more than that.

Thinking of you xx

 

[JackFrost]

When i look at that photo of the two of you together, I see a horse that KNOWS she is loved, and has taken your love into her heart. x

 

[Quigleyandme]

I’m so sorry for your loss but I think you acted in Flo’s best interests and you did so promptly and that is as much as we can do for our loved ones.

 

[rextherobber]

How lovely of you for doing all that you did for Flo, she had the best love and care in her twilight years - that picture is just beautiful! If it would help, write to the vet tech, tell them how you feel about their attitude, maybe make them think twice about how they act when they are in that situation again? All the things you are worrying about are things that you had no control over, the things you were responsible for, you did flawlessly. You acted promptly and compassionately, you were there with her. I heard this today, " grief is love in another form." and it's true...

 

[Trouper]

Despite the (inevitable) ending you write a lovely story and I am so sorry you are feeling so lost. It is just a mark of how much you cared about her and she knew this. When you feel able, I too would have a calm but firm conversation with the vet/practice about the way things were handled at the end. The vet may have been anxious about the situation but they have a duty of care for you as well as the horse on these occasions and the behaviour was not appropriate.
Then - when you feel even more able - look for another. An empty stable and a wonderful, caring owner need to be matched up to another horse in need of all that love!!!!!!

 

[Bearsmum]

So sorry to read this, it made my eyes leak, however you gave your mare a fabulous last few years & there aren't that many people who would take on & care for a horse of that age with known health conditions, so you should be proud of yourself, her passing was not your fault, you did everything a caring owner should & the attending vet was less than professional , again nothing you could have control over, though I might be temped now to write a stern letter to the practice manager in hope they change their ways should they ever be faced with a similar situation in the future.
Please give yourself time and space to grieve it is still early days
Love & hugs

 

[brighteyes]

The natural death of a horse is rarely a peaceful, quick affair with an easy progression. Many domesticated horses also experience difficult and traumatic periods in the immediate run-up, through absolutely no fault of our own. All we can do is know we did our absolute best for them under the (awful and devastating) circumstances. You did far more than that, stepping in for her hardest years and making them good ones. We often beat ourselves up over the failure to make it all right and this is entirely unreasonable when our very best just couldn't be enough.

Some react (unpredictably) adversely to the sedation but this is more of an unconscious 'fight' than terror and the call to quit might have been one of safety for the vets. The hardest part is it being seared in your memory and I agree, this will be horrible for you as a last image. Try to counter it with a reality check and list the over and above things you did for her.

I am not trying to be insensitive here, but when I lost my beautiful girl very suddenly last year, I went straight out to find another who needed me...

So sorry for your loss. Writing it down and explaining it hopefully helped you come more to terms with things.

 

[JaneLA]

An embarrassment of riches, these comments. I've read and re-read them all, again and again, and they have brought tremendous solace and insight. I wish I could do something for you all in return! I can't tell you what a salve your thoughtful words and advice have been, truly. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, to each of you. I feel like I know you, and can feel your compassion for me and my precious old girl across the miles. You're a brilliant group. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

 

[JaneLA]

I will continue to hold a good thought for you and your horses, past and present - you're part of Flo's story now.

 

[JaneLA]

 

[Regandal]

Flo is beautiful, and so well loved. Take care x

 

[Archangel]

Flo was so beautiful, one of those horses you instantly take to, and such a lucky girl to have found you in her later years.

Having had a few horses now through the whole of their long lives (one I saw into the world and then finally saw her out of it), what they all need in their later years (probably all their lives actually) is a guardian angel at their side and that what you were to Flo.

 

[Goldenstar]

Ah lucky Flo to have found you at the last years of her life .
Try not to dwell on the last week it’s a moment in her life .
Every time it comes into your head do something to distract it .
Trust me these feeling will pass .

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

An embarrassment of riches, these comments. I've read and re-read them all, again and again, and they have brought tremendous solace and insight. I wish I could do something for you all in return! I can't tell you what a salve your thoughtful words and advice have been, truly. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, to each of you. I feel like I know you, and can feel your compassion for me and my precious old girl across the miles. You're a brilliant group. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You are more than welcome. We all empathise with you because we have been there at some time or another, or we know that we have it to come. I usually do try to post on similar threads because I know how much comfort it gave me to read the comments when I posted after a completely unforeseen emergency pts several years ago.

 

[misst]

She was beautiful and your love for her shines through. It never goes away but it does get better and the good memories outweight the bad. take your time, grieve your own way and never let anyone tell you she was "only" a horse. Run free Flo. x