grief at death of someone elses horse

[skint.spotty]

Feel a bit petty posting this but wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation, recently found out that a mare I shared for a period of time had to be euthanised after colicking severely. I feel sick just writing it, I feel sick at the thought that I'll never see her again but also really angry at myself, I need to pull myself together ffs, she wasn't mine. But my grief is honestly all-encompassing right now, I keep thinking things would be better if I were to join her, I feel guilty even at the thought of going to see my own right now because I should be grateful I still have them.

 

[SpotsandBays]

You shared her, yes she wasn’t yours on paper but she was yours on the days you spent with her! It’s definitely ok to feel upset by this, regardless of whether you owned her or not. You lost a dear friend.
I would suggest taking a look at the help available through this link:

Friends at the End | The British Horse Society

www.bhs.org.uk

 

[meleeka]

You don’t have to own something to grieve for it. Be kind to yourself and things will feel less raw eventually.

 

[Barton Bounty]

Its not silly, it is a natural feeling from person with emotion.

 

[PinkvSantaboots]

It's very normal I've worked on loads of yards and known lots of horses seen lots pts and they all get to you one way or another, I've got close to many and have been upset when they are gone cried my eyes out even.

So just be kind to yourself x

 

[Sealine]

Please don't be angry with yourself. In the past I have grieved for many horses I never owned. Just because I didn't own them didn't make losing them any easier. Go and spend time with your horses and please be kind to yourself.

Take care x

 

[NinjaPony]

I had a double whammy gut punch when the owner of the mare I shared died, and then the mare herself died just before the funeral (from colic). It just felt so horribly unfair and I’d been planning on visiting her after the funeral as a way of feeling closer to her owner, who had been devoted to her. Please allow yourself to grieve, it’s not only our own horses we get attached to.

 

[OrangeAndLemon]

Just a word of caution.

I lost my horse suddenly to colic when he was just 12. I was broken and my friends were amazing. A lot had shared his journey. One person who had ridden him a couple of times for me, but who I didn't trust with him so was only allowed to ride him with an instructor present (for his sake) made a huge thing of it on social media, she made it look like she'd lost her horse and that was a little difficult for me; seeing people offer condolences to her. It felt like she was taking him away from me a bit.

I'm not saying you shouldn't grieve or be broken but this is a shared experience for you and the owner, don't exclude them. Share memories and tears with them. They may offer some items (shoes etc) but don't ask, wait to be offered.

 

[YoLaTango]

I’m sorry for your loss! This must be very hard.

I KNOW that we do in fact own our horses - we are responsible for them etc. But there is another sense that we don’t own them. I don’t own the relationships my horse has with others. I know if he died, many people would be affected. Just like if a person dies, many people are affected. Not always, but sometimes it takes a village to care for a horse. When the worst happens, it’s ok for the villagers to be sad too.

 

[Red-1]

Us 'owning' then is a purely human construct.

You are most lucky when one owns you, and that has nothing to do with a piece of paper.

I am sorry for your loss.

 

[Poppy+MrDarcy]

Just because she wasn't yours it doesn't mean you don't share a part in the grief. You obviously loved this horse, and loaning is just the same as owning to the horse. I'm very sorry to hear the loss xx

 

[wispagold]

So sorry for your loss. I was really upset and shed many tears when my best friends pony was pts. I was bit shocked by how upset i was. But he was part of my childhood and it really felt like the end of an era. He was a very special pony. I sent both my best friend and her mum a rose plant and card. I have a photo of the 4 of us (my best friend on our ponies) up in my house.

 

[dreamcometrue]

She must have been a very special horse to you. I hope your own horses can help you to work through your sadness x

 

[FinnishLapphund]

Grief can be complicated, and complex. And you don't even have to know the person/pet who has died in real life to experience some type of grief. Some time ago I cried when I found out that the HHO:er Penny Less had died, even though I've never met her, and knew her cancer was quickly reaching its end stage. Mainly because I genuinely liked her, but to some part probably also because I can easily see myself in her situation one day, living alone, and worrying about what to do with my pets if I knew my death wasn't far away.

Sometimes I cry when reading a post on HHO after someone have lost a horse/dog/cat/other pet which I've never met. Sometimes it's because the HHO:er wrote something I felt was really touching, sometimes it's perhaps because it reminds me about losing one of my own pets (or a person if it's about a human).
It has occasionally happened that I've continued feeling sad, melancholic for up to hours afterwards.

The first times it happened I felt like an idiot crying over someone I've only read about online, and telling myself to get a grip of myself. But now I just accept that my emotions are what they are, sometimes I get sad hearing about sad things, and as long as I don't get trapped into letting those feelings stay around for too long, there's nothing wrong with it.

You did know this horse, and even though it wasn't yesterday, you've spent hours loving her, and taking care of her. And now she's gone. But feeling that you don't have the right to mourn her because she wasn't yours, feeling angry at yourself for grieving over her, now I'm no grief expert, but I'm sure that trying to repress your grief too much only makes it even more difficult to handle.

To me it sounds completely normal that the grief have made you feel guilty at the thought of going to see your own horses, and that you're thinking that you "should" be grateful that you still have them. But if you hadn't thought, and felt that way, that would've also been normal.

However, the part where you say "I keep thinking things would be better if I were to join her"... Oh no, no @skint.spotty , that's no good thoughts.

If you're in Britain I think the number to Samaritans is 116 123 , but there's also other helplines you can call, and get to talk to someone about how you're feeling.
You could of course also post again here on HHO. Or PM me, though I'd probably be rubbish at saying the right things, I'm better at posting memes, but I could always give it a try if there's something you don't want to talk about on the open forum.

{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}

 

[J&S]

I was, and still am, very sad when i had a phone call about a month ago to say the big, Irish cob/Hunter/Eventer I rode for 5 years had been put to sleep. His owner's son is a very good local Equine vet and so he had had his family with him. I did cry and spent the evening looking at lovely photos of him, his family also dedicated a FB page to him with fabulous photos. I will always remember him as he was to me, friend but not "family".
Outside are my family horses, I am more attached to them than ever since his passing. Nothing is forever, treasure what you have now and be happy with the memories after they have gone.

 

[Griffin]

Grief is just love that has lost its person or animal. To me it's completely natural to be sad about an animal that you have cared about, irrespective of whether they were yours.

 

[vmac66]

My freind at the yard where I keep my horse lost her 2 oldies within 5 days of each other. I burst into tears when told about the 2nd horse going, partly for what my freind was going through but also as i knew and cared about her horses. Freind also looked after a 3rd oldie that belonged to someone else. Horse was pts today, I'm feeling so sad for freind and the horses she has lost. They will be missed .

 

[suestowford]

The Blue Cross run a bereavement support line, the number is 0800 096 6606, if you need to talk to someone about this. They could help you navigate your loss.

 

[Above the snowline]

I think feeling angry is part of the suffering grief causes us. You absolutely should not feel guilty. You loved her and it’s only right that you are very sad. Be kind to yourself and feel no shame in crying and having mixed emotions. Grief is like the sea - sometimes out of nowhere a huge wave of grief will hit you, other waves will be smaller. Gradually your waves of grief will reduce but they will never completely go. You are a normal human being with normal feelings. The fact that you didn’t own her makes no difference. Go and hug your horses - they will understand.

 

[Snowfilly]

I’ve grieved for many horses I’ve never owned. What’s ownership but a piece of paper after all?

Ones I’ve worked with, ones friends and family have had, ones at riding schools and livery yards I’ve known, even a bay mare who lived on a path I walked the dogs on regularly and saw a few times a week. I loved them, and then they were gone. It’s natural to be sad.

 

[throwawayaccount]

This is completely normal so please don’t feel worried /angry at yourself

My gelding was pts a few years ago, and one of my best friends shared him for a period of time / would always help out with him. She grew up riding him and when he died it destroyed her, affected her exams etc

Hugs xx

 

[ILuvCowparsely]

Feel a bit petty posting this but wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation, recently found out that a mare I shared for a period of time had to be euthanised after colicking severely. I feel sick just writing it, I feel sick at the thought that I'll never see her again but also really angry at myself, I need to pull myself together ffs, she wasn't mine. But my grief is honestly all-encompassing right now, I keep thinking things would be better if I were to join her, I feel guilty even at the thought of going to see my own right now because I should be grateful I still have them.

Grief is never understood by others, as everyone grieves in their own way/ Doesn't matter that she wasn't yours, you loved her and were attached to her and that is what counts.

I lost 3 to colic, it is never easy, be kind to yourself and don't hold back, this is a time your grief can be support by your horse. I cried so many times on my boy's neck when his mum was pts. When i lost him to colic in August 22. I felt so empty, even now I do as he was a link to my mare and was part of her.

 

[Laura44]

I bought my own girl six months ago, but the mare I used to loan is on the same yard and is 26 or so - I know for a fact that when the time comes for her, I will be in pieces. It makes me snuffly to even think about it now. I dread the day. She isn't mine, but I owe that horse so much, it's going to be a testing time when it does come.