I know exactly how You feel as do many others. It’s the most horrific decision any owner can make but also the kindest. The days running up to having my Tilly pts were the hardest, especially seeing her in the field happy the day before. But she was up to her eyeballs on pain relief and just so poorly, even the vet said on the morning she was pts that her pedal bones were almost through the sole. I just wish so badly I could have saved her and that’s what really hurts my heart.
I still have nightmares about her going, but I needed to be with her until the end as she had been with me every step of the way through some pretty crap times. I owed that much to her.
you’ll have good and bad days, but it’s normal. My girl parted with me in may and I still find myself crippled with sorrow some days, like today. I still expect to see her face over the door when I drive on the yard, it’s hard. I even stopped in my tracks last weekend at a show as there was a pony identical to her there, it really set me back. I’m even contemplating moving yards just for a fresh start away from the bad memories and sad times.
please be kind to yourself, you ended his suffering and that shows what a wonderful owner you are, though it is hard to see for yourself I know that.