Has anyone here decide/may decide between children and horses?

[LankyDoodle]

Hi,
I absolutely adore children - I'm a qualified teacher and have also worked as a nanny. My first degree was child orientated and I've always had what people call an afinity with children. When friends or colleagues have babies etc, I get a bit clucky and get pangs for them. I go through stages every 6 months or so of thinking of nothing but children.

However, deep down, I knew that although people can make it work alongside horses, our lifestyles would probably not allow it. We always told ourselves that we'd have a baby and still have the horses.

Then my mare died (9 days ago). It's put a whole new perspective on life and made me face up to my true feelings and not the ones brought on by hormones. Children are gorgeous and I love them, in a work sphere, but we wouldn't be able to just pack up the horses in the trailer and spend half our lives in Cornwall like we do now. Joint, day-long hacks would be out most of the time. Baby would come first for a few years and the horses would lose out for a bit, although then the kids could probably get involved. I ask myself if I want to give up the easy-come, easy-go lifestyle where the horses and other animals come first. We are really big time into our animals, especially the horses, and the answer has been no, we wouldn't want to give up our lifestyle, which is unfair on any potential children.

I look into my future and see myself lonely, but then realise that's not an excuse to have children; it's an excuse not to have them. We will probably still foster, maybe adopt a child/children, as that's always been a plan of ours.

Funny really, but it's taken losing my mare to make me face up to my feelings properly, although I always knew it wouldn't work

Our friends in Cornwall also chose to not have children, remaining DINKs. They are happy and through this choice have been able to live a life they could only have dreamt of with children in tow.

So has anyone else chosen between horses and children? Quite seriously, even if you're not big into competing? Or does anyone else thing they might choose? I'm just all up in the air at the moment and not sure whether I'm doing the right thing.

 

[Maisy]

Unfortunately (maybe the wrong word really) I didnt think about all that before I had mine!!

I am looking forward to a time when they are old enough so I can do all that again!!

I have to say that I am lucky to have my mum pretty close, so she has them so I can hunt etc.....

 

[showjumpinglover]

if you realy want kids then why don't you have one when you are ready and then get a new horse? (thats if you don't have another horse)

just an idea- sorry not much help

 

[Wooleysmum]

I have been reading your posts, so sorry, I am lucky, my laminitic is still here. You are very brave, and bereaved. I can understand you are rethinking your life plans. You have had a terrible time. I know girls who do horses and children, I was one! i am a teacher, two grown up kids, one darling cob. Its a difficult and very personal decision, and whatever decision you make it will be the right one, and not done in haste. Horses, children, dogs, they all need a dedicated parent, which you are.

 

[LankyDoodle]

Hi showjumpinglover,
Yes we still have our gelding hehe. I think it's sadly got to a point where we are saying we'd rather get another horse (several months down the line when we are over it).

wooleysmum, what a lovely thing to say, you've made me cry hehe

Thank you.x

Maisy it sounds like you have a great balance

 

[Spyda]

Well, I've got 4 of each (kids AND horses). And my eldest child is only 10. (Plus, 4 ferrets, 6 cats, 1 dog and a bunch of tropical fish!!!)

When they are very young and not yet at school, I think whether it works depends on whether or not you've got family to help you. In summer I can take the horses out after the kids are in bed and my husband minds them. Same at the weekend.

If Daddy's not available or wants to come along, the kids come along too. I keep them away from the horses - we have a big mowed field directly in front of the stable block so the boys can kick a ball about and play safely whilst I get on with stable and grooming chores. If it's raining, we are lucky enough to have a DVD player in the car for them to keep occupied. They bring books and games along too sometimes when the weather's nasty. Once the horses are turned out the kids happily help out with stable chores. My 4 year old's favorite job is sweeping the yard!!

If I want to take one of the horses out during the day, then my parents live 5 minutes away (both retired) and they will have the boys for an hour or two. Luckily they are happy to do so, too.

Mind you, my youngst starts school this September. Don't know what I am going to do with myself :/

 

[mintaka04]

Hi Hunny,
so sorry you have lost your mare. This is a tough time for you and not the time to be trying to make big life-changing decisions!
One should never presume, but I get the idea that you are not quite at that stage of life where it's now or never for the children.

If you are so fond of kids, I would say that you would probably regret not making the choice to have them. Sure they are a lot of work, but you are only young once.
Horses will always be there for the buying!

You need to make your own decisions on this one, but I would say that right now <font color="red"> </font> is probably not the time.

You will know in your own heart how you feel.
As you have seen from replies on here, having a family doesn't neccesarily mean giving up on life!

best wishes
x

 

[H's mum]

Believe me when I say that you would feel completely different once you had a baby of your own - if you're naturally maternal (which by the sounds of it you are) you're half way there - I wasn't maternal at all before I had my little boy but once born EVERYTHING changed - I still enjoy my horse and riding and my baby fits in with the yard and everything else - you make it work if that's what you want to do - Can I be rude and ask you how old you are?
Kate x

 

[Meadon]

I often feel the same. I love children but can't see myself having them. But then I'm single at the mo and if I found the right man I might feel differently.

I don't compete or anything, my horse means the world to me. I'm not a broody person but quite happy to help with friend's children. I'm the opposite with my horse though and fuss around her lol!

Very sorry you have lost your horse xx

 

[the watcher]

There is a middle way, but it involves nannies or au pairs, I managed a baby, full time shift work AND a horse.

 

[Jingleballs]

I got in to riding much later than may people I know - I didn't start until I was 22/23 and I'm now 26 and have owned my own horse for 9 months. If I'd started riding earlier and had years and years of spending time with my horse I would probably be more inclined to start thinking about kids in the next 5-10 years but now I'm not so sure. I'm putting of the decision until I reach 35 so I have some time to decide!! I want to have fun with my boy first - get out and show, improve my riding and just generally enjoy him to the max!

My Y/O who's a couple of years younger than me has a 11 month old "surprise" baby - she loves her baby but misses being able to just get up and go with her horse - now she needs to arrange babysitters and plan things in advance and you can see how much she misses it - I don't want to miss out on my hobby for a child as I don't want to end up resenting the child for not allowing me to do what I want to do.

I'm just going to wait and see how things pan out!

 

[Ellies_mum2]

I gave up riding when I started having my family and now umpteen years later have gone back to riding. My youngest is 7 now and is going to start having lessons himself this summer

I shall be able to ride this summer, not as much as maybe I would like, but have to sort sitter etc first

Its a case of organisation I think to allow you to have the best of both worlds

 

[SO1]

I think horses are a good contraceptive!! I am in my mid 30's and still single - having a horse is time consuming and I find it hard to meet men who understand that and will put up with the amount of time I spend with mine!

I don't know how old you are but if you love kids and don't have any you may regret it later on when you suddenly realize it is too late.

I do think it is important for children to feel wanted and loved and for parents to make time for them. If you have supportive family or the income to pay for help either with the kids or the horses then that I think makes life easier. I guess the time of home help you would need would be one of those nannies who also could help with the horses. I thinking having a children is demanding and time consuming especially if you work full time and have to do all the domestic chores plus the horsey ones. Some of my friends have had kids and say it is exhausting working full time and looking after the children esp when they are young.

If you don't yearn for your own children to continue your genes then perhaps you could foster older children who are more independent and may be able to enjoy spending time helping with the horses and riding themselves and an older child won't require nappy changing and feeding throughout the night
etc

 

[Nickijem]

Crikey Carrie that post could almost have been written by me!
I am also a teacher and I had to re-evaluate my life when I tragically lost my gelding last year. I was 39 at the time and my husband said that now we haven't got a horse, we could start thinking about children.
It made me realise that if it came to a choice - I would choose horses every time. I realised that there is no way I could afford both, nor could I give up enough time to have both.
Luckily my husband isn't keen on having children so we decided not to.
I bought a new horse knowing that now, at the age of 40, I will probably never have children but I know I have thought about it a lot and I have made the right decision!

 

[PurplePickle]

Well myself and hubby have had this convo a few times and more recently. Ive always told him I will not give up the horses, now we have moved back near my parents we do have a better support network so this is more feasible and although he doesnt understand my horseyness to that degree he knows I wont give up without a fight.

I had to give up one because we were getting married last year and only recently got another to go with my outgrown pony.

We have decided to go for it on the understanding that he does the horses for the short term and we possibly get a sharer . However the main best bit is that I work for myself so can (I really hope) fit it all in.

I am glad though this topics come up, so many non horsey people cannot understand how we could possibly even think about fitting horses in instead or as well as children.

 

[custard]

This is a tricky one to answer as never wanted children, still don't and made the decision about the age of 12! All I'd say is don't do anything rash.

As someone else pointed out you have had a bereavement every bit as painful as losing a close friend or relative and when people are under duress, as you are at present, they make life changing decisions in a hurry for some reason.

Don't leave it too late as you clearly love kids but leave the dust to settle a bit after your loss, you don't have to make the decision right this minute.

 

[Highstep]

Im mid 20's- my friends are starting to get married (I have spent a fortune on wedding gifts this year! arghh) and now have my firends babies springing up around me me.

I work full time in London and commute and have horses on DIY with some bring in assistnace in the winter/ yard manager helps out a couple of times a week. I could have part/full livery but I like to keep control on DIY- at the mo with horses I have no time not even really for a bf! and I dont really miss not having a bf - Sometimes I feel like a sado -esp when I go out as a third wheel or am ina group of loved up friends but I love my horses and sometimes spend whole weekends doing nothing else. When I had BF (of 3 years until this year) I resented him because I would have to rush doing the horses to go do stuff with him.

Until recenetly babies were not on the agenda and I found myself really disliking kids-esp on the train into work and on the way home.

But I went to see my grandma whos in a care home shes 90 and has dementia and more recently a couple of strokes. It makes me quite sad when I go there but made me think the other day that we are all part of the circle of life and that I would want to carry on my blood and my family -turned round my way of thinking- think kids maybe on my agenda now but will have to include little JA ponies

.

 

[quirky]

I have two children (6 and 2) and manage to ride as much as I like as my husband isn't horsey and is quite happy to do bath and bed whilst I ride in the evening. He brings the kids to shows and they love it but don't really come down the yard that much.
I never wanted children and finally succumbed in my early 30's whilst my pony was off with laminitis, couldn't ride, so had a baby instead. Glad I did as I wouldn't be without them now, they make my life complete.
There is an older divorcee down my yard who rents a house and when we discussed her buying, she said "There's no point as she has no children to leave it to, so she might as well rent". I found that quite a poignant (sp) statement.

 

[badgerdog]

I work with kids and I love their company but I'm not sure I would want one full time. I have strong ideas about how chlildren should be cared for and brought up and I'm not sure I could match my ideals. I know that if I had children I couldn't devote as much time to my horses. I really enjoy my life and I don't think I want to change it.
I'm now 45 so it's a bit late in the day to change my mind now. I occasionally have regrets about not having them, especially at Christmas, but as the advert says 'they not just for Christmas!'
I know people say that you completely change your outlook when you have a baby and I believe them but as I've never been that maternal it seems a bit of a risk.
I see so many women, who seem stressed out and say they have no 'me time', and so many who can't wait for the holidays to be over so they can send their kids back to school.
Only you can make the decision, you still have plenty of time left and you will know in your heart if it's the right one.

 

[LankyDoodle]

Thank you for lots of brilliant replies

I am really grateful.

I am 25 in October so still a baby, but I have been married a while and my husband is 34 in September. Earlier this year we discussed having a baby next year, meaning we'd be 26 and 35 when our first was born. Like I say, I go through stages every 6 months or so of feeling clucky, but that's hormonal and not my real emotions. Every day (usualy... I mean when I am not thinking about my dead mare or the builder who has just done us over and gone bankrupt) I wake up and thank God for my life - I don't currently have a job as teaching jobs are in short supply round here, but I am supply teaching (which I can only do for 4 terms), my husband has a very well paid job doing something he loves (making bespoke kitchens as a carpenter/joiner), we have cats, a giant rabbit and horses (well just the 1 for now), we can take off to Cornwall for weekends, bank holidays and weeks/fortnights away with the horses in our lovely Equitrekl trailer being towed by our beautiful Kia Sorento. We can decide at 5 minutes' notice that we're going to the pub for food tonight as we can't be bothered to cook. We can go and see elderly relatives whenever we like. We go shopping together.

I know life doesn't end when you have children as I've been a nanny for a long time. I personally would never have an au pair, not least because it is not legal to leave them with sole care of children under a certain age. I can balance things and have experience of doing so - I had 3 horses to care for at one point, plus my other animals, husband, house, full time degree, commuting and full time work! I am sure I could balance things again, but I would still lose out on some of the things I cherish. I also, like the last poster, have big ideals on how children should be brought up, which I know can't always be stuck to in reality. I had a pretty rubbish upbringing and want my child to have the best of everything so that I can change the pattern, so the thought they'd have to share me with horses is also a bit worrying because I do spend a large proportion of my time with horses!

I also see mothers in town who struggle round with three children, a pushchair and an armfull of shopping and, while I know that's not true of most mums, it just scares me to death! To be doing that instead of galloping across foredown on Bodmin Moor on a Saturday morning - it would break me I think!

So yes, for now, I think it's definitely too early to say. It does scare me that in my dotage I won't have any children to see etc. Also, my husband is an only child and his father was the only boy ahead of him, so if we don't have a child, the family name will end at my husband which is quite sad... still not a reason, though.