Have horses and don't want kids?

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lara b

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Following on from the other thread about delaying starting a family, it made me think about how many of my friends are in a similar position to myself:

Good career, have a horse, got a husband..don't want kids..ever! And we are all 30 plus so don't think we will be changing our minds soon, fortunately our husbands all seem to be happy with that!

Anyone else in this position? Do you think we have used up our maternal instincts on our horses!:D
 
lara b said:
Anyone else in this position? Do you think we have used up our maternal instincts on our horses!:D
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Very interesting theory! Or maybe we are using our horses to satisfy our maternal instinct?? Maybe we are maternal and want to have kids but we're not conciously aware of it because our motherly instincts are being satisifed by our horses?
I think that life is great in your 30's and having a horsey lifestyle makes it even greater and that's why starting a family for us is such a daunting thing!
 
I came to horses only recently (had a pony as a child) and had other upheavals in the last few years aswell which have given my mental attitude rather a battering, but although I used to want children so very much, for the last couple of years I really could take them or leave them - which I don't think is quite the right frame of mind!! I don't know if it is because I am reluctant to take a break with my mare or because I just can't see them fitting into my life.

I have moved to a new area and don't know anyone here so don't really have a local peer group to compare myself too. My friends are all non horsey and non of them have children either (despite almost all being in long term relationships or married). We are all in our early 30s. Are we an odd bunch or do we reflect what others are choosing? ie sticking with the life we already have and like rather than risk a big change (along with, I hear, an amazing amount of extra happiness!) and have children?

Although I do think my girls allow me to dote and be maternal towards something I love and that requires care, I don't think they have used up the amount I have to offer as I would happily add to our little herd with a filly, just not a mini person!!
 
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My desire for children didn't kick in until I was late 30's - real last chance saloon!

I think a lot of horsey women do use their maternal instincts on their horses, but its not always a good thing. I've met many a childless woman in their 40s/50s who baby their horses too much, I just look at them and think "You should have had a child!" It worries me, as I'm 42, no kids and don't want to end up like that! Luckily I have a stepson to use up my maternal urges on!
 
Honey08 said:
My desire for children didn't kick in until I was late 30's - real last chance saloon!

I think a lot of horsey women do use their maternal instincts on their horses, but its not always a good thing. I've met many a childless woman in their 40s/50s who baby their horses too much, I just look at them and think "You should have had a child!" It worries me, as I'm 42, no kids and don't want to end up like that! Luckily I have a stepson to use up my maternal urges on!
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Very true.

I worry that while I am in my early 30s (all being well!) I have the luxary of choice, should I leave it too late (whenever that might be) then I worry that the lack of choice would lead me to find I would have wanted children. Such a big decision that I want to be totally sure about it to suit my stupidly analytical and logical mind, but can you ever do that with children. Do I live in cloud cookoo land and does no one actually plan 100% and totally want children, or is there a bit more of would not like not to have them/it's what settled couples do at this age?
 
Must admit personally it's not that I find starting having a family daunting as much as that I just don't want children (never have), for me personally the perceived negatives out way the perceived positives.

I also have non-horsey friends making the same decision, perhaps a sign of the times? Certainly we don't seem to get any family pressure thankfully (in fact my in laws jokingly refer to the cat and horse as their 'grandkids' as my husband’s sister decided against having kids too!).

Anyway must admit all 3 of my closest friends and me do treat our horses a bit like kids (talk about them a lot, buy them stuff, go to 'parties' together!), oh well at least the horses will never 'flee the nest'! :) Although don't suppose they will be looking after us in our dotage either ;)
 
I don't think the horse makes you lose your maternal instincts, I think that modern young women have been bought up to believe they can have a life of their own, they do not have to be a slave to a man, they can earn their own money and make their own life choices. Part of those choices is whether to have a child, or not. Contraception was pretty rubbish when my Mum was young, women had second rate jobs and expected their husbands to be the bread winners and make all the decisions. They had kids young, because they had sex and so it just "happened", most of them stopped having sex after 2 kids.

I also think that a lot of women without hobbies or interests, often have children because they have nothing else to do with their time. I know so many people who say, well we got married, we have a nice house and two cars, we have had the long haul holidays, and our friends had a child, so we thought we better have one. THEN they complain about how their life is ruined because of their children, and these are the MEN I work with !
 
Having children would ruin my life. The only way I would consider it is if money were no object and I wouldn't have to compromise what i want to do with my life to accommodate children into it. Plus I love horses and horse riding, and I really don't like young children.

I suppose if i didn't have horses and hadn't found some other obsession to take over my life, I might have had nothing better to do than breed, but I can't see it really.
 
Never wanted kids, even as a young girl I just knew it wasn't for me. I've got 6 dogs all who are rescued and it always makes me laugh when people say they are 'child substitutes'...ummm nooo they are dogs actually!! :rolleyes:

I adore my horse, my dogs, my life and my freedom and I readily admit I'm far too selfish to give any or all of those up for the sake of anyone.

I know quiet a few couples who have chosen a financially secure life without kids, they enjoy long holidays and nice houses. It's certainly not a unusual life style choice anymore.
 
Not the same thing at all. But I came into horses AFTER I had my kids. My son is now 26 I love him dearly and wouldn't swap him for the world.

BUT

If I were to be young and feel how I do about my horsey life I would not want kids.
I have even told my son not to have kids yet as I am not ready to be a grandma. It has nothing to do with feeling old, just means I would have to find time for a grandchild. Time that I am not ready to give up
My friends daughter has just had her 3rd and they are all over the moon, friend is very maternal and spoils grand children rotten. They are all she talks about and it drives me potty

I know when my son does have kids I will adore them but I just don't want it yet :p
 
Well I was 27 happy with partner and three horses, my life revolved round my precious equines and I had no intention of having kids. I then fell pregnant by mistake (hormone issues and pill probs) and life changed. I then miscarried the twins. A switch had been turned on and I had no babies to show for it. I had always said I dont want kids and then it became the obsession in our lives. After three years we decided to get a dog instead :o Then I fell pregnant and had my son then my daughter followed a year and a half later. It was ,for me, the best thing that could have happened. I kept my ponies who have all since died and we now have 5 ponies which are the kids. I drive the outgrown shetland but am unable to ride but get utmost pleasure from being with the kids and their ponies. When they were young it was b hard work but that stage doesnt last long really and then they can join you in your passion. I am lucky that both kids are keen horsepeople and ride far better than I ever did :D
 
I have never and will never want kids, havent got a maternal bone in my body and it will stay that way lol, OH feels the same. I`ve never been a fan of children even when my friends are all having them it doesnt sway me one bit. i`m happy with my horses and dogs :)
IMO babies/kids :

Eat alot,
cry
scream
have tantrums
give you abuse when they`re older, make you worry
majority of women have to be cut when giving birth (my best friend had a baby a week ago and still cant sit down)
I`m fat enough without putting on another 2 stone +
I`m selfish and like my sleep too much
Stretch marks
I`m a D cup now and they annoy me as it is I couldnt cope with bigger boobs :D
 
Would love to have everything kids my 4 horses etc but time plays a huge part in it plus i would need ivf to have children have applied to become a foster parent as that is a inbetween way of having everything as i know i could be a great parent and give children the chance plus would still keep all my horses.
 
i definitely fit the profile! it's not that i never wanted children, i love them, but everyone says that there's a 'biological clock' that goes off, and mine never has. i'm still waiting... maybe mine's faulty, and it'll go off when i'm 80. ;) ;)
 
lara b said:
Must admit personally it's not that I find starting having a family daunting as much as that I just don't want children (never have), for me personally the perceived negatives out way the perceived positives.
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Agree with this entirely, I'm now 42 and have never wanted kids. I'm not vinegar-breasted, I like children, but I don't want my own.
 
kerilli said:
i definitely fit the profile! it's not that i never wanted children, i love them, but everyone says that there's a 'biological clock' that goes off, and mine never has. i'm still waiting... maybe mine's faulty, and it'll go off when i'm 80. ;) ;)
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That's what I am waiting on too! Do you think that people really do have a ping and then feel that they want kids, or is it just what people do at a certain stage in their lives? The timer seems to be dodgy with my friends too (or perhaps just too quiet for us to hear over having fun!). I don't want to expect to feel strongly, only to leave it too late, to then find that alot of people don't have a v strong pull for children and I have been waiting for something that rarely happens!
 
I have 2 son who is almost 14, he is from my previous marraige....and I'd love another...! I'm 38, have horses and other animals too...never really thought about it the way you all are. I'd make my life-style fit, it's what you do, isn't it? Because life changes......and you have to accept that.

Won't be having another though, as OH is a few years old than me and has grandkids! :D

So I have accepted that time is running out, and it is doubtful I'll ever have another child....

But thats life.....

:D
 
It would be really interesting to hear from ladies in their late 40's or 50's who had the same attitude in early 30's to see if they regret it now or not. Well I would be interested anyway :)
I am now mid 30 and have a 3 yr old; never had a maternal bone in my body and wouldn't change but it has been hard to manage both horses and motherhood. Having an OH with very flexible hrs etc has helped. Another one is requested but it is very difficult to give up on everything horse related again. Horse women are selfish with their bodies :) I just hope I don't regret it.
 
Just posted a long reply on the other thread which has helped get some of my feelings out given a recent convo with OH.

In a nutshell, I don't want kids, even if you took away the stuff that normally terrifies people i.e. pain of labour and pregnancy. I just do not want them. I also have other issues which scare me [eating disorder] and it is this plus OH's recent change of view that is causing me a few problems. :(

It also annoys me when people assume that because I have a horse, I will want kids. Why? I'm perfectly happy just having my horse and OH to share my time and nothing else there to take my time from them away from me.
 
I want kids about as much as my non-horsey friends want a horse!!

Never say never but I'm pushing 32 and have felt pretty indifferent to the whole thing since I was a kid. I don't "mother" my horses (I actually dislike it when people refer to me as the animals' "mum", I always say "I'm not their mum, I didn't s**g their father and give birth to them!"). They're pets and a hobby!

If the worst happened and I fell pregnant then I'd just get on with it I suppose but that's not going to happen.
 
I've think I've made an observation, that there are probably not many other sports or hobbies that bring people together, with such a high proportion of 30+ woman taking part who don't have kids.

I've probably explained that really badly :o, but go to any big yard, or a competition (particularly midweek aff. dressage), and there'll be plenty of 30+ ladies without children. So far, I too am adding to the statistic :p
 
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jsr said:
Never wanted kids, even as a young girl I just knew it wasn't for me. I've got 6 dogs all who are rescued and it always makes me laugh when people say they are 'child substitutes'...ummm nooo they are dogs actually!! :rolleyes:

I adore my horse, my dogs, my life and my freedom and I readily admit I'm far too selfish to give any or all of those up for the sake of anyone.

I know quiet a few couples who have chosen a financially secure life without kids, they enjoy long holidays and nice houses. It's certainly not a unusual life style choice anymore.
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^^^^ This ^^^^

I also never wanted kids as a child, and I still don't want them now (am 30 in August... gulp).

Most of my friends don't want kids either (the non horsey ones as well) - Like someone else said, perhaps a sign of the times?!

I love my freedom, horses and holidays far too much, so perhaps I'm also too selfish?! :D ... Oh well, I'm happy as larry!! lol!
 
Misinterpreted said:
I've think I've made an observation, that there are probably not many other sports or hobbies that bring people together, with such a high proportion of 30+ woman taking part who don't have kids.

I've probably explained that really badly :o, but go to any big yard, or a competition (particularly midweek aff. dressage), and there'll be plenty of 30+ ladies without children. So far, I too am adding to the statistic :p
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On our yard most of the owners have children, albeit mainly grown up or teenage kids. I am one of the only ones without. .....

Have said for years I'd rather have a horse than a baby and don't feel any urge to reproduce (neither does OH) despite a fair number of our friends having babies at the moment. However I'm in my 30s now and have started to worry that I might regret not having had children once it is too late. However I don't think that is a good enough reason to do it, the planet is over populated enough as it is!
 
This is a really interesting thread. I think that having children must change your life so much that you've got to REALLY want to do it. So many people seem to have children just because that's the next box on the list to tick (car, house, marriage then kids, for example).

I'm nearly 34 and keep wondering if one day I'll wake up with this sudden maternal feeling and decide I can't live without having a child, but it's not happened yet. To be quite honest I think the older you get the more selfish you get about preserving your lifestyle and of course a child would completely change that. Luckily my husband feels the same.

My only concern is that - like a couple of other have said - getting to be "too old" and suddenly wishing that I'd had a child after all. Also, I love my family and getting together for a meal etc and I worry that when my parents are gone that there's no next generation to carry that on. However, like I said before, the burning desire isn't there for me at the moment and it would need to be before I considered going down the child route.
 
kerilli said:
i definitely fit the profile! it's not that i never wanted children, i love them, but everyone says that there's a 'biological clock' that goes off, and mine never has. i'm still waiting... maybe mine's faulty, and it'll go off when i'm 80. ;) ;)
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Snap! Mine almost pinged a few years back, but I ended up getting divorced instead :p :D I put it down to a faulty timer ;) :p My OH has a son he sees twice a month so that enough for me to contend with thank you very much :)
 
Well Im in my 60s now and have never wanted children. I do worry a bit about being alone and lonely when Im even older, but many people who are in homes etc have children that they never see and also many peoples children live far away from them so they dont see them often. I have no attraction at all to babies, but like children when they are a bit older and "human" and you can have a conversation with them.
 
I had my kids quite young so now Im in my 30s they are teenagers and dont need me anymore!!;)

Had I got my dogs and horse younger I doubt I would have had kids!! especially experiencing life with two teenagers!!:D
 
lara b said:
Following on from the other thread about delaying starting a family, it made me think about how many of my friends are in a similar position to myself:

Good career, have a horse, got a husband..don't want kids..ever! And we are all 30 plus so don't think we will be changing our minds soon, fortunately our husbands all seem to be happy with that!

Anyone else in this position? Do you think we have used up our maternal instincts on our horses!:D
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Yep I'm 42 and have never wanted kids, my husband is happy with that, my nephews live next door, its quite good cos I can send them back when they start squarking lol
 
If my OH had wanted them, then we would probably have had kids, he is approaching 40, so in my mind getting past it, and and I am 34 this year. If I get to 35/36 and no kids, then that is it, I would not have them past that age, as I feel I don't want them having aged parents - OH would be 61/62 when they were 20. I sometimes feel a bit broody when I see a cute baby, but in all honesty, I love my life the way it is. We have a dog, a horse and freedom. We could not continue financially the way we are if we had kids, the horse would have to go, and I get more pleasure out of owning a horse then a child could give me I'm sure. I sound selfish, and lots of women are having babies at work, but I just don't seem to have the same maternal feelings as they do. They all bring their babies in to show them off, and everyone crowds around to goo goo at them, but I am just not bothered. I am sure I will regret it later in life when I have no family left, but as someone else said, you could have kids and they move miles away and never see them anyway.
 
I'm 51 now never wanted kids and not upset about the fact I will never have any. Quite happy with my pony and the dogs, which are not substitute kids.
 
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