Having a confidence crisis... Please help!

[rose bud]

The background is.... I have had two bad experiences this year with horses that i have bought which although were sold as bombproof happy hackers, and were very well behaved to start with turned out not to be. One bucked and was very nappy and the other was very spooky and had a major problem with tractors (tried to jump the nearest hedge with me on)
I have now got a lovely cob mare who is described as a dope on a rope but the problem is, i am nervous!
I have ridden her out once (with company) in the week that i have had her and she was fine. I am only able to ride at weekends over the winter but the previous owners assured me she would be fine with that.
My problem is that i should be looking forward to riding her but i'm not, i'm nervous that things although they are good at the moment, will go wrong!
Help, what should i do??

 

[lara b]

Once your confidence is dented it is tricky to get back but it WILL come!

Take the pressure off yourself and give it time, have little goals together that you feel comfortable with i.e today we are going to practice some ground work, tomorrow we are going to ride around the yard (with someone around), next week we may want to wander up the road... do as much as you can with company around (get them to natter to you, it will help you relax and is safer), and don't be afraid to sing!!

Also if possible get someone else to ride your mare in front of you and take a video that you can watch it over at home and see how quiet she is.

Best of luck, your new mare sounds lovely and I really hope you can get to enjoy her, we all have wobbles but it's worth it once you have built a bond together and learn to trust again

 

[JGC]

I think you could safely say that the only thing that I am an expert in when it comes to horses is losing my nerve!

My advice would be first, don't worry, it happens to most of us at some point - and I'm not just saying that to make you feel better - it really does.

Second, get people around you. Either ride out in company or get someone to come with you on foot or on a bike. If you need someone to take you on a lead rein, do it! I've been riding for twenty years and my OH still has to lead me sometimes when I feel nervous. It doesn't matter, whatever makes you feel confident. Take your time and your confidence will come, don't force it. One day, you'll wake up and you'll feel like doing a bit more and then a bit more, and so on.

Third, get some rescue remedy. Lastly, try to ride early in the day - if you wait til later, you'll probably start dwelling on things that could happen and wind yourself up (that's what I do, in any case).

This is your hobby, there's no pressure, take you time. You're not alone!

Hope that helps

 

[maggiesmum]

I see 2 ways of dealing with the nerves.. either find a therapist of some kind, maybe NLP to help change the thought patterns you've associated with riding OR you can attempt to do it by yourself - take the pressure off, its your horse therefore you don't have to ride her if you don't want to, forcing yourself to get on will only heighten the nerves.
Just be with her, get to know her and build up some mutual trust, go out for a walk in hand - do you have access to a school? Go and play some games with her..
I lost some confidence with my TB a few years ago after a particularly bad fall (wasn't his fault it turned out to be pain related but it still bloody hurt) since then I do lots of ground work and bonding exercises as well as riding and I find it far more beneficial than always having to get on board. Could you get a friend to ride her and you go along either on foot or on a bicycle to see that she's trustworthy? It might be an idea to get a friend with a steady horse lined up ready to accompany you on your rides too - someone who'll be sympathetic and will be happy to go at your pace.
There is no rush, take your time and do what you feel you can - one day you'll just be ready to get on.

 

[rose bud]

Thankyou for your replies!
I'm so glad its not just me!
This is a bit of a case of third time lucky with owning a horse and i think i am putting myself under pressure to make it work.
Also, because she is a new mare i feel like i should be riding her more as the last two that i had needed a lot of exercise and i'm scared that she will start being naughty if i don't work her more.
I think i am putting myself under pressure thinking 'i must ride her at the weekend' (as i work full time in the week) and actually, its making me not want to. The winter weather doesn't help either!
I feel like i will have failed if i don't ride her at the weekend but maybe we need so time bonding, and maybe i could lead her out for walks to see how she is?

 

[JGC]

That sounds like a really good idea! It will give you time to bond and enjoy yourselves together - it wouldn't be any more exercise for her if you were on her back anyway.

I didn't get on my mare this morning as she's been a bit naughty this week. I've been beating myself up about not getting on, but actually, we did a lunge session with some poles for the first time and she learned not to canter round like a mad thing and leap over them, but to walk and trot over them calmly. Plus she'd obviously worked herself harder than with me sitting on her too scared to trot properly or canter.

So I've decided to give myself a break and you should too

 

[arizonahoney]

If you can't ride during the week, are you able to do some groundwork with her then? And can someone else ride / lunge / exercise her in the week?

You might look into getting an RStor...I have heard good things about them.

 

[lara b]

Thankyou for your replies!
I'm so glad its not just me!
This is a bit of a case of third time lucky with owning a horse and i think i am putting myself under pressure to make it work.
Also, because she is a new mare i feel like i should be riding her more as the last two that i had needed a lot of exercise and i'm scared that she will start being naughty if i don't work her more.
I think i am putting myself under pressure thinking 'i must ride her at the weekend' (as i work full time in the week) and actually, its making me not want to. The winter weather doesn't help either!
I feel like i will have failed if i don't ride her at the weekend but maybe we need so time bonding, and maybe i could lead her out for walks to see how she is?

Yes, spend time with her, do ground work to 'move her feet' anything that puts you in charge will build both your confidence and her confidence in you. Plus by doing stuff with her (which doesn't have to include riding, could be lunging or long reining or just simple ground work) you should stop her getting bored.

Don't feel too guilty if you don't feel ready to ride yet, plenty of horses don't get ridden due to weather or injury but at the same time challange your fears a little bit at a time so that you still move forwards. For the time being when you do ride stick to riding in company and enjoy!

If you are worried about it, ask someone else to ride her a couple of times in the week to keep her ticking over, but there are horses out there who really don't care if they are ridden or not so hopefully yours is one of these and happy to take things at your pace.

 

[canteron]

A week isn't long for a horse to settle in - give the horse and yourself lots of time and in this weather I would say that you should really forgive yourself if you don't ride. The time you spend getting to know your horse will be time really well spent in the long run.

As a matter of interest, have you tried clicker training? I am not a dedicated fan but I think it is something else fun to do with your horse and teaches you so much about the importance of timing in training/riding.

I used a really good book by Alexander Kurkland but there is heaps of good information/resource on here about clicker training if you do a search.

Good luck.

 

[summerguest]

Agree with others lunging and ground work will give her some exercise and help you bond. Have you got a friend who could ride her? if you see her ridden and not putting a foot wrong it will give you the confidence to have a go. Trust and confidence take time to rebuild, do what you feel comfortable doing and give yourself little challenges to push yourself out of your comfort zone every now and then so that your confidence can grow. GOOD LUCK

 

[Niddlynoo]

I'm in the same situation regarding nerves. As others have said its supposed to be fun! There is no law that states you must ride as often as possible, so give yourself a break and get to know your new horse first.

Good luck xx

 

[maree t]

I know how you feel. Make up some small and easily acheivable goals for the next few weeks while you get to know her. A little word of caution about too much lunging and getting other people to ride her is watch she doesnt get too fit . If she is very fit and you havent been riding she will get a lot fitter than you. She sounds like the sort that isnt going to rev up anyway if she isnt worked hard during the week. Try doing in hand pole work in walk which gives you time with her without too much fitness work. Have you looked at the horse agility site it might give you ideas of things that yo can do with her and have some fun while you get to know her.

 

[Cornish on the Cob]

I am going through EXACTLY what you are atm. 2 bad experiences, then bought my Cob, was riding OK then BOOM! Confidence dropped as she suddenly got fitter, along with windy weather etc. Was beating myself up over it, was going to sell or loan her, then 2 days ago I suddenly thought "why am I putting myself through this"? I decided to turn her away for winter. I still bring her in in the mornings to feed and groom her and I have decided to just enjoy her for a couple of months and the bond that is developing is amazing!

I have a friend to ride her once a week to keep her ticking over and we are going to do some long reining to keep her traffic training up, but basically I'm not going to pressure myself to ride and I had a huge feeling of relief when I made that decision. In the spring, I will get my RI to come over and start from scratch with me and her. Don't beat yourself up cos I've learnt not to anymore. Good luck! x

 

[OWLIE185]

It always takes me two years to get used to a horse and feel that I am in complete control and that we are both in tune with each other. I agree little steps are the best. My horse is only ridden at weekends in the Winter and is completely fine with this arrangement.

 

[Jazzy B]

I've been there/am there too having had bad experience with previous loan horse. Pretty much as others say on here spend time doing loads of ground work and brushing her make sure you have company to go out until you feel happier about it all and if you don't feel like riding don't just enjoy being with her. Think since got my boy have spent more time messing around from the ground then ever with any previous horse. We jumped out in the woods on Sunday for the ever it was brilliant know still got long way to go but feeling a lot better than I did a few months ago! You'll get there!

 

[rose bud]

I am going through EXACTLY what you are atm. 2 bad experiences, then bought my Cob, was riding OK then BOOM! Confidence dropped as she suddenly got fitter, along with windy weather etc. Was beating myself up over it, was going to sell or loan her, then 2 days ago I suddenly thought "why am I putting myself through this"? I decided to turn her away for winter. I still bring her in in the mornings to feed and groom her and I have decided to just enjoy her for a couple of months and the bond that is developing is amazing!

I have a friend to ride her once a week to keep her ticking over and we are going to do some long reining to keep her traffic training up, but basically I'm not going to pressure myself to ride and I had a huge feeling of relief when I made that decision. In the spring, I will get my RI to come over and start from scratch with me and her. Don't beat yourself up cos I've learnt not to anymore. Good luck! x

Thankyou for your reply!
I have been thinking about not riding over the winter but had been feeling guilty about it so its really good to know that someone else is doing it!
Tbh i don't really want to ride when the weather is windy/ bad incase we have have a bad experience (eg, spooking etc) as this would really knock my confidence with her even further, its already pretty non existant!
I think maybe it would be wise to use the winter to get to know each other and bond and if i feel like riding on a nice winters day and if i don't i won't.
Like you say i could always get an instructor out in spring to help me.
I just hope that when the old owners said "you could not ride her for 6 months and she would be exactly the same" they were right!

 

[Kenzo]

Just do short hacks to start with so you both learn to gain each others trust.

Hack out with someone either on foot, bike or on a horse.

Get someone else to ride her while you go on the bike, sounds strange but it will boost your confidence knowing that she behaving herself when she is being ridden by someone else, once you’ve seen her out a quite a bit (or take it in turns) you’ll soon learn if she has any tricks up her sleeve or is hopefully as good as gold.

It’s normal for a horse to have a settling in period and they are bound to look at things when hacking in a new area, but don’t put this down to her being silly or comparing her to the other horses you’ve had misfortune with, so give her time to get used to her new hackings areas.

Remember there is nothing wrong with having a few nerves, or lacking in confidence, it’s what’s protects us and keeps us alive, if we all had nerves of steel and had no fear to use our common sense then we’d all spend half our time in A&E! so it’s not always a bad thing.

Just try to do things in a logical order, so your brain can process the probabilities of what could happen, when I say this, I mean spend some time in the school/field first to build up more confidence or take a bit of freshness out of her before you go out on a hack (even if she’s not the type, it will still help you to think you’ve done it just in case) which again will boost your confidence. Walk her out in hand so she can potter about with you at her side, again this will help you see how she reacts to situations without the stress of you being on board.

Only ride when you feel really up for it, if you’re feeling a little pressured or nervous then do something else rather than riding out, music tends to help rev you up for stuff, so bob one of your favourite tunes on in the car before you arrive at the yard to get you into the spirit of things.

Good Luck

 

[Sandylou]

I too have been there and still have the odd wobble from time to time now!
The best advice I was ever given was to take the pressure off of myself and to spend lots of time with my boy on the ground doing anything from grooming, trimming, talking, etc to lungeing, long reining and leading out in hand.....over the past year things have gone from strength to strength.
A good support system is mega important and to gain just that I had to move yards twice in 6 months! I have gained an amazing and supportive friend in my YM (knew her as a fellow livery before but I wouldn't say we were friends before I moved to her yard) and my instructor is so understanding and patient and a real diamond. My instructor spent most of my lessons on board and that helped loads to see that he behaved and any hiccups were purely because he was green. I still have lessons as often as possible as they help me to realise how far we've progressed and obviously to give me new things to work on and progress further still.
Where are you OP? Maybe someone on here could offer some help and support in person.
Might also be worth talking to Jo Cooper - www.equestrianconfidence.com
I know it seems impossible now but things will get better. Take your time, there's no rush and enjoy what you do.
Good Luck x

 

[Spotsrock]

I set targets, for example both Beau and I lost our nerve jumping this year following her injury so we started at 65 cm again.

I set targets of once I got a double clear I would start doing 75cm as well. once double clear in that I would stop doing 65 as a comfort blanket. We are now enjoying 75 and doing my first 85 in 2 years this sunday (with 75 first as my comfort blanket!) Once I've been round 85 double clear twice I'll drop 75's and try to start doing 95s again.

If I have a fall and either of us loses confidence as a result, we can pick up the lower class for a couple of trips out.

It's a plan, it's subject to changes in length depending how our nerves go, eg if one of us bottles it we won't get a double clear so will not move forward until we are both ready (more so Beau than me as she looks after me well when I am nervous and she is confident!)

The best thing I did when I lost my nerve generally with my other horse, was get a job riding out for a local race yard. I had to do it or I didn't earn and my redundancy money wouldn't have lasted while I got another job, got to feed the horses somehow!! Also bottling it would have made me look a complete D*** infront of a lot of people so I got on with it. Found a fab little horse and enjoyed it despite his bucking and jogging and general cheekiness.

Good luck

 

[maggiesmum]

I have been thinking about not riding over the winter but had been feeling guilty about it so its really good to know that someone else is doing it!

Have a think about why you feel guilty, do you feel pressured by other people at the yard, is it a partner or family member making comments about having a horse and not riding, or is it because you feel that you have a horse therefore you should be riding? The chances are that your mare won't give 2 hoots whether you ride her or not, horses don't have ambitions to go round badminton or even for a hack round the block, they just take it as it comes and deal with each moment as it happens. You have nothing to prove and all the time in the world so enjoy every moment together.