Help me please!

H

Hovis_and_SidsMum

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Someone rescue me please!
Its hovis here and I'm desperate. I need help. My mother has flipped and i'm scared for my safety. Will someone please kidnap me?
In recent weekend my mother has been talking about something called a walk and trot test which she wanted us to do. Now I don't pay her a lot of attention although I have worked well on my "really mum thats facinating" expression which seems to go down well when she's waffling inane garbage to me.
Anyway yesterday she got someone to give me a hair cut. I fear I look really stupid as when she tells me i look gorgeous i usually look like a girl. The fit mare opposite hasn't looked at me once so i think i look like a schmuck.
But worst was last night. She took me to do some schooling and since it was drizzling I thought I'd be behave myself really well so I could go in quicker. The lads and I had a headcollar chucking game lined up for later so the faster i got rid of her the better.
Anyway she made me do this walking and troting thing and I think I have made a HUGE mistake. I did it really well so now i have to go to something called a dressage test at the weekend. I didn't know what that was so I asked one of the old dudes in the barn and they say its what girlie horses do and its really poncy. WTF? I am a MAN. All big and chunky and very very manly! I can't do something poncy. Thats like asking a rugby player to do dancing or something.
How do I get out of it? Someone please help me!! Can I come and live with one of you?
 
Oh Hovis....don't be so soppy. You'll love going out to a party....think of all the fit mares you'll pull, especially now you've had a smart new hair cut. And just think, if you're a really good boy at the party your Mum will spoil you rotten and maybe let you go for a wicked blat on your next hack.

But if you really insist............I'll send a box to snaffle you back to Herfordshire you gorgeous beastie xxx
 
Ha Ha that's brilliant. Just gotta hope she makes it worth your while Hovis. I never go to any shows without a huge bag of carrots which are given to my mare every time she comes out of the ring so she thinks it's great!
 
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Thats like asking a rugby player to do dancing or something.

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But Hovis, look how well the rugby players do on Strictly Come Dancing???

A good dancer always makes the ladies swoon. Why do you think John Travolta was so popular??????
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Hovis, Hovis, Hovis, Since my feeder has started taking me to parties to dance, the fillys cannot get enough of me!!!! With my tail & head held high us lesser mortals can show those flashy stallions a thing or two!!!!!
 
Hi Hovis, I am Scotty the black stallion in the bottom left picture, next to me is Macbeth, next to Macbeth is my mate Spirit (he is all man, as he and his wife are have a baby next year) so we are 3 other men doing the poncing around thing.

Dressage can seem a bit girly, but there is a plus side. If you are the only manly man amonst all the others, then you might just get to play with all the girls that are there and believe me they are gorgeous. Just look at this one, talk about pole dancing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKQgTiqhPbw

God they are so supple, just imagine!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm getting hot under this stable rug, must quickly stick my head in my water bucket, ahhhhh that's betters.

As I was saying..................

You get loads of people watching you and telling you just how handsome and athletic you are. The other good thing is, you only have to behave for about 5 -6 minutes then get loads of fuss and treats.

So give it a go, we are all having a ball at our parties
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One other piece of advise, keep your mouth shut, head down and flick those toes, it has them all over you afterwards, its fantastic!!!!!!
 
Oh Hovis! ( I can't believe I am going to say this!!! )
Don't worry yourself..........The boys under the saddle are big,glossy and all,all man - it's the one's on top that occasionally get it wrong!
 
Hovis

Look words of advice from Donkey here...you have got it so wrong, do everything your mother asks of you, but so slowly and with big heavy sighs. make her use your legs, you can't really feel it can you - remember in this stupid test she can't use a whip so you are quite safe. However word of advice - do excell at the halt - you have about 10 seconds to rest the back leg and have a nice doze before shuffling off again. -

When you get home and she turns you back out with your mates do remember to trot or canter off with as much energy as you can so you appear to be floating.

As for the clip - think of it as the latest blokey hair cut - better than a mullet any day
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Love Donks
 
poor Hovis, you should use my dad's ploy when it comes to making someone a cup of tea. Firstly, look very despondent at being asked, then make it so awful that you never get asked to do it again.

However, on the plus size, as mentioned before, think of your new found muscles, glossy coat, come hither paces for the ladies, it won't be all bad
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Amber wants me to tell Hovis that he should give it a go, she is fed up of seeing either all girls or weedy blokes at parties, give her a real man with muscles anyday (I have to say she is a bit of a tart, but does take a shine to the chunkier types
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Hovis, This is Warrior here. My human made me do this walking and trotting thing last Saturday too. It wasn't too bad at all, except that she put some stuff on my mane and tail which made me smell like a girl. Well, I didn't like that and because I felt so ashamed of the smell I couldn't bear to show myself off to the ladies. I spent most of the time calling my mates for some back-up, just to prove to those girls (some of whom were quite attractive) that I'm not really a poof, but it seemed my field mates hadn't come to this new place with me, so couldn't bolster my confidence. So, being a little intimidated at the circumstances, I just couldn't bring myself to be my normal forward going self.

Still, Mum says the judge wrote that I was an "attractive, obedient horse". Well, of course, I totally agree with the attractive bit - but as for the obedient? I was trying my best not to be obedient, the fence at the edge of the showing-off place provided a wonderful excuse to bend my neck in the wrong direction and to cut off as many corners as I possibly could.

But it seems that all of my efforts were in vain, because I suspect that my human may have plans to do this to me again. It's not fair though - when Faro goes out to an endurance ride (which he tells me he thoroughly enjoys) he doesn't have to go smelling like a girl. So why should I?

Warrior
 
Dearest Hovis,

Well, apparently I am down for the same thing at Christmas and so is my little mate Stinky. Apparently we are going to try fancy dress pairs – huh, going to see about that - I don't do pink fairy stuff.

I have been told by Stinky that the great wise Clydesdale Cairo gave him the following tips for dressage.

Use your nose - stick it out as far as you can - create your own unique "outline".

Coming down the centre line - you are 16.3 and 780 k, the squirt on top is under 5' with tiny little fat legs - you can wobble anywhere you like whilst she frantically tries to keep you straight with stumps that don't go round you.

And the finale - at the final halt, refuse to stop, set your jaw whilst squirts pulls and cries whoa, walk to the Judge's table and eat his sarnie whilst (luckily) he collapses with laughter.

You think you have it bad? This weekend I was subjected to horrid cold things on my back and am now BBH1 (Big Bear’s Horse) – they didn’t even buy me my own unique number but put the old wise man’s one on me.

Your loving Clydesdale mare, Farra xxx
 
Hi Hovis,

Sidney here.... shh don't tell mum I have the laptop as she has already had to take it away from me due to my fondness of a Forum that helps me find all new things to stop work....however, I digress...

These 'ere parties are fun, you get to socialise with all new people and get to hear about new tricks to try on your human. My mum gets so flustered, especially when we don't load, that we all have a giggle at winding her up. I enjoy the days out and change of scenery and have decided that 4 minutes of concentration is worth the cuddles, socialiseing and carrots... AND the best thing the rest of the day OFF.

I don't tend to end up smelling funny either Mum only tends to use baby shampoo (I must me due for a dowsing soon) and the detangler doesn't smell all that bad.... actually that reminds me I must get mum to cut my mane again it is getting a little long...... will never get to chat the ladies up with this scuffy long mop.

Right on that note I am off to look at the TB injury hotline to see if there is any thing else I can upset my human with, although I am sure I have got a bout of lameness due
 
Hi Hovis,

Ruby here.... I have managed to nick the laptop of Sidney, before we look at the TB injury help line.

I did one of these walk trot tests the other day and it turned out to be quite fun...... met lots of new people and a rather nice lad too...... turned out that I got to meet him again at a XC ( what is that all about) schooling day...... *sigh* I hope I meet him again....

so see it isn't all that bad.
 
Hi Hovis, Thumper here. The old bat was talking to me about this last night (wish you really hadn't brought it up, old man).

Anyway my ploy to put her off is to do my usual in the School - basically frighten the life out of her. Works every time - to the extent she rarely takes me in there. In fact last time, I threatened to jump out. What a muppet, she absolutely pooed herself........ Needed a stiff gin afterwards I can tell you!

Righto got to go, got some ladies to talk to........
 
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