Help! Riding instructor is (not intentionally) destroying my confidence!

[Chiefbigcheeks]

Hi,

Just wondered if anyone else experienced similar situation and how did you handle it? I'll try to keep the long story short..


.. After a riding accident I lost all my confidence to the point that I would shake every the time I was going to canter a horse. Then I found a new yard and a brilliant riding instructor who was willing to work with me to get my confidence back. I have worked with him exclusively for the last 4 months, and all my anxiety and fear disappeared! I'm so excited to progress with my riding again!

Now the problem is, that my RI still keeps treating me as the scared and anxious rider I used to be when we first met. And I am worried that I'm going to internalize the thigs he says to me, which will damage my mindset and confidence again. To give you just a few examples:

• During private lessons, when we are trying new exercises and I don't get things right after 2nd or 3rd try, he says things like "You're not succeeding because of your confidence issues" or "You don't ride with intention because you are scared".

• Everytime he's trying to give me some tips he would always use phrases like "riders like you with no confidence find XYZ helpful..."

• So last time I attended a group lesson with him and when some other girl made a mistake, he started giving her feedback that her ride didn't go well and then he used 'my (past) situation' as a bad example (even though I did great in the lesson): "Look Ms XYZ here, she's got confidence issues and can't ride horses with intention. That's why your horses won't listen to you".

I feel this is totally unnecessary as I am way past my confidence struggles and I found my "can-do mindset" again. I even told him that confidence is not the problem anymore and somtimes the only thing I really need is more time, and try a couple more times to perform what he asks for. But the following day, he would say the same BS to me again and again!

It is his comments that sometimes make me feel incompetent, and I leave the yard thinking "I am really useless bad rider and nobody likes me" kinda things..

Otherwise he is an excellent instructor very knowledgable about dressage training, and I feel I could learn so much more from him!!!! I like his methods and not sure if I can find another instructor as good. -- But I just can't stand the comments anymore as I feel it is starting to hold me back as he is unknowingly planting into my head that I have fear of riding/ confidence issues etc. I was really upset when he started labeling me like this in front of other riders too!!

So what would you do?! Would you change RI or yard because of this?

Thank you for reading!!

XX

 

[Gloi]

Start using your newly found confidence to stand up to him. If he says something that puts you down or you disagree with tell him so. You may find you get a better relationship but if not then start looking for someone else.

 

[JGC]

Honestly, the words we hear about ourselves are so important. If you hear over and over that you're scared or whatever, you will start to believe it. Either you ask him to stop referring to with these terms or you stop lessons with him. I saw this on FB earlier and thought of your post:

https://www.facebook.com/528593990487968/posts/5026018310745491

 

[Vodkagirly]

Not all instructors suit you all the time. There are certain instructors that I find amazing but I have be I the right mindset to benefit from there instruction. Another instructor, I don't find as inspiring but I benefit from lessons no matter what my mind set is.
So I pick n choose depending on what I need

 

[Chiefbigcheeks]

Start using your newly found confidence to stand up to him. If he says something that puts you down or you disagree with tell him so. You may find you get a better relationship but if not then start looking for someone else.

Thank you! Appreciate your advice! ?? I've already told him a couple of times, but he always does the same thing in the next lesson. It seems that he just labelled me in his mind as "the anxious one". I will try to talk to him again and see if things will change ??‍

 

[Chiefbigcheeks]

Honestly, the words we hear about ourselves are so important. If you hear over and over that you're scared or whatever, you will start to believe it. Either you ask him to stop referring to with these terms or you stop lessons with him. I saw this on FB earlier and thought of your post:

https://www.facebook.com/528593990487968/posts/5026018310745491

Agreed! It is so true that we believe what we hear about ourselves!! That's exactly why I'm considering finding another RI if this doesn't stop. Although I really respect the guy and appreciate that he helped me to get my confidence back at the first place.
Powerful post! Thank you for sharing! ?

 

[Chiefbigcheeks]

Not all instructors suit you all the time. There are certain instructors that I find amazing but I have be I the right mindset to benefit from there instruction. Another instructor, I don't find as inspiring but I benefit from lessons no matter what my mind set is.
So I pick n choose depending on what I need

Good point! Maybe trying some lessons with an instructor who doesn't know about my history/the accident would be helpful.. ?

 

[eahotson]

Thank you! Appreciate your advice! ?? I've already told him a couple of times, but he always does the same thing in the next lesson. It seems that he just labelled me in his mind as "the anxious one". I will try to talk to him again and see if things will change ??‍

You could try making a joke of it, especially in group lessons.If you want to pass a comment or ask a question always preface it with "As the nervous one" One example could be you know "As the nervous one" does it matter if I don't always get the correct lead in canter? " As "The nervous One" does it matter if I don't rise on the correct diagnol in trot? Make up things if you like.He will get the message eventually.

 

[ycbm]

He says "Look Ms XYZ here, she's got confidence issues and can't ride horses with intention. That's why your horses won't listen to you

That is bang out of order!
.

 

[Trouper]

Think I would be having a conversation (off the horse) with him and pointing out that "thanks to his excellent instruction over the past few months, I now feel that I have all my confidence back so am not feeling at all nervous. However, his constant reference back to the past is now not helpful so could we please move on"

I would just add that sometimes what we feel internally is not what other see,so it might be interesting to challenge him on whether he actually sees any nervousness still in your riding??

 

[Reacher]

Are you allowed to use a different instructor at your yard?
You could try a very direct talk with him pointing out he is now undermining you and giving specific examples but he might not take it well so you could end up needing to look for a new instructor anyway.

I’ve stayed with instructors who were not helping me for too long and I know how frustrating it is - I am sure there are other good instructors available if you ask around.

 

[Equi]

Call him out in the moment rather than wait for a conversation. Either right before your lesson or if he says a comment pull him up on it.

 

[GreyMane]

You could try making a joke of it, especially in group lessons.If you want to pass a comment or ask a question always preface it with "As the nervous one" One example could be you know "As the nervous one" does it matter if I don't always get the correct lead in canter? " As "The nervous One" does it matter if I don't rise on the correct diagnol in trot? Make up things if you like.He will get the message eventually.

Hmm, I would not do this. The OP wants to move on from this unhelpful label. Defining herself this way, even in jest, will be counterproductive, especially when instructor has already been asked to change their language and has ignored the request. She needs to be assertive, not pin a target on herself in front of a group.

 

[ArklePig]

Is it possible you've outgrown him? I had a massive confidence loss recently and my instructor never ever refers to it at all in a negative way. He focuses on what I've achieved.
We talked it all out, agreed a way forward and seems now he pushes me just as much as I can take. He would never ever say 'you have no confidence' or similar, and I'd be upset if he did. Using you as an example like that to other students is out of order and I'd be moving on.

 

[SEL]

Hmm, I would not do this. The OP wants to move on from this unhelpful label. Defining herself this way, even in jest, will be counterproductive, especially when instructor has already been asked to change their language and has ignored the request. She needs to be assertive, not pin a target on herself in front of a group.

Actually sometimes the jokey approach really does work with people who are too thick skinned to get the point - I have successfully used this approach with a number of colleagues over the years 'as the woman in the room obviously I should be making the tea then' - and watch all the men jump to the teapot
'blondes like me obviously shouldn't be speaking up with their opinion' - oh, please let us know what you think?

It really does work with a certain type of [male] person. I think because it makes them realise they are acting insensitively. It also doesn't make me feel at all inferior for being a blonde female.

 

[blackislegirl]

As far as I am concerned, an instructor/trainer/coach should leave you feeling good at the end of a lesson, pleased with what you and your horse have achieved. If they don't, then don't use them again. Luckily I have nearly always cone across really good trainers, but I remember one RC jumping session where I was left feeling really dispirited. Some of our committee were watching and heard and were not happy. They didn't book her again.

 

[Muddywellies]

Your instructor will always see you as the nervous one and is now holding you back. Time for a new instructor who is going allow you and encourage you to progress.

 

[LegOn]

My instructor is someone who has seen me through my lows and praised me at my highs!

And even though she knows the struggles I've had, each lesson is its own new start if you get me - she doesnt allow me take my 'issues' into the lesson with me each time & will always focus on what is going on now & how to progress - we have all heard the phrase 'ride the horse on the day' because we all know they can pull out strong, fresh, grumpy, tired or any other number of emotions! Well the same applies to the rider - teach the rider on the day.

I would definitely have an 'off the horse' chat with him but play to his strengths and say that now that he has brought you past your issues, you feel you are a different rider so you would like him to teach you as if you were a new client. You are putting all the past issues behind you and closing the chapter, taking all you have learnt from him & bringing it with you but now you want to build on it without having to constantly refer your past. He should understand that! To be honest, he is probably referring to your past issues to show people how far you have come & how far he has brought you, in order to prove his own skills to other riders - it sounds like it could be a bit of an ego thing for him, you are his project & he wants to prove how much he can fix you! You need to tell him you are fixed, now you want to excel!

 

[teapot]

Time for an honest chat - there's a time and a place for comments like that - and if not receptive, find another coach

 

[Rumtytum]

Good point! Maybe trying some lessons with an instructor who doesn't know about my history/the accident would be helpful.. ?

Great idea! Go for it ?

 

[Rusky]

I would move on. The partnership has been good for you up to now but you're ready for a more positive experience. Just thank him very much, say how much you've improved and give him credit for getting you this far, so that you leave on good terms.

 

[Grajo]

If it doesn't work out with the current instructor, it is always best to have a new, fresh instructor, or change Stables if you have another nearby. It is the same for all professional tennis players, football managers etc.

As you do not want to be reminded of your recent riding accident.

Good luck

 

[MissTyc]

Back when I did a lot of freelance teaching, I mostly worked within a confidence coaching framework with anxious/nervous riders, but it can be difficult to move past that relationships once confidence is restored. What I found really helpful, as an instructor, was to send my "kids" (who were all much older then me) off to clinics with other instructors to now find their feet. For my business, there was no lack of anxious riders to work with so I didn't go hungry if they opted to move on. Some of my clients stayed with me anyway because we got on very well, they enjoyed their lessons and things stays productive and they continued improving in their riding with me; others slowly weaned off as they realised there was this big wide world they were no longer afraid of. Many of those STILL send me updates, 10 years later, send me photos of them jumping and hunting, and "can you imagine" ... and I always say: of course I can imagine because I always knew you would shine. So from the instructor perspective, I agree with all the advice you've had - it might be time to move on and that doesn't need to be on bad terms and it doesn't mean he's a bad instructor. In fact, it means he's done a great job of preparing you for the next stage of your riding but now you need to figure out what the stage actually looks like.

 

[Cob Life]

I didn’t realise how much my previous instructor damaged my confidence until I had a lesson last week with a new instructor who I was honest with.

we took it back to where I need to be, and we’re not rushing anything and it’s made a huge difference to how I feel in the saddle and how I ride

 

[MiJodsR2BlinkinTite]

Your instructor will always see you as the nervous one and is now holding you back. Time for a new instructor who is going allow you and encourage you to progress.

^^ I agree with this. Yes there are some excellent strategies and advice on things you could say to this instructor, but at the end of the day it sounds very much like it is time you moved on to someone who can take you to the next level.

Instruction isn't cheap! and should be productive and you should feel that you are benefitting from the sessions; you shouldn't have to go in there prepared to do psychological warfare for goodness sake!

Move on would be my advice. This guy sounds like a control freak and whatever you say or do he will continue to pigeon-hole you and hold you back from achieving your potential.