Help!!

[Willowthebee2017]

I've posted before about trying to leave a full loan, I have told the loaner and she managed to persuade me to stay for another 2 weeks I have now told her end of Nov I'm done but she is really guilty tripping me saying she'll make money out the horse one way whether it's making her a broodmare if she can't full loan her again. What do I do I can't let her do that but I can't stay any longer.

 

[Willowthebee2017]

I forgot to add that she has 6 other horse and keep saying she is struggling to muck them all out but doesn't want to sell them she's a hoarder

 

[poiuytrewq]

Why are you wanting to end it? Sorry I missed your last post.
She is guilt tripping you and it’s not your problem. Give her a date and walk away. I’m sure she will find someone else to loan the horse, she’s being a bit of a bit** and that’s not fair.

 

[The Xmas Furry]

Pay till the end of the month tomorrow if you haven't already, and don't return.

 

[Willowthebee2017]

The yard is a mess and the loaner expects everyone to help her with horses and she has disappeared off to Blackpool for a weekend without finding cover and I was left to look after her 6 + my loan horse, she is turning it onto me and I dont know If she'll let me go that easy... well I know she won't

 

[poiuytrewq]

The yard is a mess and the loaner expects everyone to help her with horses and she has disappeared off to Blackpool for a weekend without finding cover and I was left to look after her 6 + my loan horse, she is turning it onto me and I dont know If she'll let me go that easy... well I know she won't

Ah ok, so as above pay what you need to, give a date and don’t return.
She’s using you as free labour and taking the p.
She can’t stop you from leaving, I know stuff like this can be tough but find an owner who appreciates you.

 

[nagblagger]

Maybe invoice her for the work you do above and beyond your loan agreement - she will soon let you go!

 

[Firefly9410]

She cannot force you to stay. If she is guilt tripping you successfully you need to understand that that is your problem. She does not actually have mental powers over you.

You need to read up on assertiveness. The broken record technique would work here. You just repeat yourself over and over again. No matter what she says, you say you are leaving at the end of the month. It is a statement not a conversation. If she asks who will do Tuesday, you say you are leaving at the end of the month. If she says she cannot cope without your money and the horse will starve, you say you are leaving at the end of the month. You get the picture?

Tied up with assertiveness is you need to learn about responsibility. You are confused about your rights and responsibilities and her rights and responsibilities. What happens to the horse after the loan is not your responsibility. You have no right to any say over what happens to the horse. You need to accept this.

I do understand how you feel having been in similar circumstances, where it is heartbreaking to return a horse to an owner you know will mistreat it. It is why I stopped loaning and bought my own.

Your other options are to see if she would sell the horse to you, then you can keep, sell, loan or put to sleep, as you see fit. As the new owner you can make these choices. She would be likely to ask a price higher than market value since she knows of your attachment to this horse. If you choose this option, one way or another you can expect to lose money, it will just be a question of how much. Buying and selling on for a profit probably will not happen. Know that any money you give her is likely not to be spent on caring for her current horses better but is likely to be spent on purchasing a new horse.

You cannot control others lives. You cannot fix this situation for these horses or any other she may purchase in future, but you can extract yourself from the situation, have no further involvement in it and save your own sanity by not having to see the way the horses get treated. All you can do if the situation is bad enough is to contact horse welfare agencies and report her for abuse or neglect. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but these are your options.

 

[Willowthebee2017]

If I do that then I know that

She cannot force you to stay. If she is guilt tripping you successfully you need to understand that that is your problem. She does not actually have mental powers over you.

You need to read up on assertiveness. The broken record technique would work here. You just repeat yourself over and over again. No matter what she says, you say you are leaving at the end of the month. It is a statement not a conversation. If she asks who will do Tuesday, you say you are leaving at the end of the month. If she says she cannot cope without your money and the horse will starve, you say you are leaving at the end of the month. You get the picture?

Tied up with assertiveness is you need to learn about responsibility. You are confused about your rights and responsibilities and her rights and responsibilities. What happens to the horse after the loan is not your responsibility. You have no right to any say over what happens to the horse. You need to accept this.

I do understand how you feel having been in similar circumstances, where it is heartbreaking to return a horse to an owner you know will mistreat it. It is why I stopped loaning and bought my own.

Your other options are to see if she would sell the horse to you, then you can keep, sell, loan or put to sleep, as you see fit. As the new owner you can make these choices. She would be likely to ask a price higher than market value since she knows of your attachment to this horse. If you choose this option, one way or another you can expect to lose money, it will just be a question of how much. Buying and selling on for a profit probably will not happen. Know that any money you give her is likely not to be spent on caring for her current horses better but is likely to be spent on purchasing a new horse.

You cannot control others lives. You cannot fix this situation for these horses or any other she may purchase in future, but you can extract yourself from the situation, have no further involvement in it and save your own sanity by not having to see the way the horses get treated. All you can do if the situation is bad enough is to contact horse welfare agencies and report her for abuse or neglect. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but these are your options.

I know what you mea and Its always something ive had problems with assertiveness and I am easily guilt triped into things. I have a learning disability which the loaner knows and it does cause confusion of what is my responsibility and her responsibility, I've asked to move her to another yard that I used to ride at and she has said no and as for buying she would sell her for 3,500 and no less, leaving is my last option this loan has out me off loaning for a long time but I now know what I need to do and I need to stick to it.

 

[HorseMaid]

Crikey, this person is taking advantage of you!

- you are not her slave and you don't have to do what she tells you
- you have the right to walk away at any time
- the horse is her responsibility not yours, it's not your problem that she can't look after them

You need to put yourself first in this situation, she is taking the mickey! I cannot imagine trying to force someone to continue with a loan, or trying to make them beholden to me. You've mentioned you have a LD which makes you vulnerable, which she knows - get yourself out of there!

 

[AmyMay]

If you have a learning difficulty, who is your advocate?

Please do as suggested above - pay the money until the end of November and leave immediately. You are being coerced.

Where in the country are you based, perhaps a member on here may be in a position to help you.

 

[Winters100]

For your own sake you need to walk away from this. Maybe you have a friend or relative who can support you in telling her firmly that as of the end of the month you will no longer be involved. Do not be afraid to ask for help, the situation is not going to improve and you are not being treated fairly. Good luck.

 

[Elf On A Shelf]

I know it is hard when you love the horse but it is in your best interests to walk away and never look back. Choose to live in ignorant bliss that the horse found a new loaner and is having a happy life. Give yourself a break over winter then look for a new loan in spring with someone who won't turn you into their personal slave.

Get someone to help you draft up an email/message stating that you are terminating your agreement on X date. If she persists on harassing and guilt tripping you then send her an itemised bill of everything you do with her other horses and request payment by X date. Stick to your guns. On the final day of your loan, when you leave the yard for the last time block her number on your phone and her presence on any social media you have. She can not get to you again that way.

 

[the_sophies]

Wow! Seven horses to do and you get to pay her for the privilege!

I just want to say to you...at the moment this mare means so much to you, she has a bit of your heart and this is why the owner is able to take advantage of you. You sound like a nice girl, I don't mean to patronise but horses come in and out of our lives, usually when we need them as much as they need us. I am sure that (as much as you don't want to hear this now) there will be other horses, other loans that will make you happy...this mare belongs to this lady and is her responsibility, let her deal with it. You have to end the loan and actively look for something just for you ? good luck

 

[SantaVera]

Walk away and if theres a future welfare issue call whw

 

[Christmascinnamoncookie]

Either buy the horse and move it if you can or walk away. Just keep repeating that you will finish on 'date' then go. This is not your responsibility. Don't be guilty, be firm.

 

[Willowthebee2017]

Hi everyone thank you for all the advice and your concern, the lady is still trying her hardest to keep me but I'm sticking by I'm leaving and I've also found an advert she has posted on Facebook group the 13 cob needing a confident rider is my full loan horse she doesn't know I know this yet, and she has also decided to move yard cause she is feeling everyone is bullying her when they're just saying she can't keep doing what's she is doing.

 

[The Xmas Furry]

Hi everyone thank you for all the advice and your concern, the lady is still trying her hardest to keep me but I'm sticking by I'm leaving and I've also found an advert she has posted on Facebook group the 13 cob needing a confident rider is my full loan horse she doesn't know I know this yet, and she has also decided to move yard cause she is feeling everyone is bullying her when they're just saying she can't keep doing what's she is doing.

I'd edit your post and remove the attachment asap.

Well done for sticking to your guns on this, hope you find an equally pleasant mount to ride elsewhere soon

 

[Willowthebee2017]

I'd edit your post and remove the attachment asap.

Well done for sticking to your guns on this, hope you find an equally pleasant mount to ride elsewhere soon

Thank you and thank you for the edit advice I wasn't thinking when I posted the picture

 

[Squeak]

Just catching up with this post, it sounds like you're doing the right thing by getting out of the loan agreeement.

Re buying the horse, depending on her age and history etc. 3.5k isn't a lot for a horse at the moment as prices are so high. If you are attached to the horse and would genuinely be thinking of buying one in the near future it might be worth having a think about it again and looking at what else is for sale and how she compares pricewise.