Horse dysmorphia ... If there is such a thing

[Switchthehorse]

That's basically the best way to describe it, like humans who have body dysmorphia and so think they are fat when they are skinny etc. not to make light of that condition but I think I have a similar thing with my horse and I, anyone know any cures or feel the same?

Basically I have a lovely horse who ain't easy but she's not terrible either. Have had her for over six years and brought her on gradually and it has been gradual due to various illnesses etc. my problem is I am never pleased with our work, it always feels hopeless, people will say 'she looked good' and my immediate response is 'it was terrible, she wouldn't bend, she was really heavy in the hand etc etc' when jumping I feel embarrassed I am a terrible rider and everyone is doing better than me. I hate riding in the school with other people and often give up because i feel so crap. Even watching videos back I just see my pone and me bumbling around on top, I can't see improvement and I can't see what other people see (which apparently on occasion isn't too shabby at all!)

I don't do it for compliments and these days I try really hard if anything nice is said just to say 'thanks' and trot on! Trouble is I spend a lot of time either feeling rubbish or getting cross with her because we can't do something and then having terrible guilt!

To put this into perspective this isn't teenage angst, I am close to 40, outgoing and confident, capable business woman etc. we compete at novice stressage and jump a bit, but I just feel so inferior! But only when it comes to me and the pone! And inferior to EVERYONE!!

How do you man up and see the positives!? Any tips?

 

[gingernut81]

Unfortunately I can't give any advice but I will be watching this thread closely as I think I have the same problem. Been riding for over 20 years, backed and brought on a couple of youngsters - both of which are doing fabulously with their new homes but I feel I am rubbish at riding and not capable of simple schooling exercises!

 

[Jazzy B]

Your poor horse - get a grip!

 

[cobgoblin]

Chill out ! This is your hobby and you are supposed to enjoy it. The more you relax, the better the horse will go and the better you will ride. Laugh at your mistakes, everyone makes them.

 

[SusieT]

have you had this with previous horses?
It sounds like you may not really like your horses-is it time for an upgrade (And would you be happy with an upgrade int erms of increased management?)

 

[Switchthehorse]

Just to confirm horse does not get beaten or mistreated in any way, I am not that much of a nutter

And no I don't need an upgrade, I actually have an amazing pone I just want to fulfil her potential and feel like I am not doing that or her justice. And I am sure that makes me sound overhorsed.. Hard to explain without knowing me or her but I am not that either.. And before a comment comes along about buying horses too good etc she isn't that either! Just struck lucky at a dealer!

 

[blitznbobs]

That's not dysmorphia it's perfectionism...

 

[luckyoldme]

I felt very inferior at first amongst the horseworld. Im a succsesfull buisinesswoman too. In my forties too . I only wantec a hack but was very stupid and went to the worst dealer ever and bought a doped up tb. I had a hell of a time with him . A few of the horsey experts would have sorted him for me in five minutes if only they had five minutes. Most of them had a good laugh behind my back. I kept the horse and gradually sorted him. He is a dream come true now...a good faithfull hack. Do i feel inferior now? Im bloody sure i dont. I look at my horse and still can t belive he is mine. My horse makes me feel that every day. Do you honestly think that many of those people feel like that every day?
Sorry rant over

 

[Dusty M Yeti]

We are all our own worst critics! Try to believe what others are telling you when they compliment your work.

 

[be positive]

I would suggest finding a good trainer, someone who's opinions you really respect and have a few confidence building lessons, it sounds to me as if you are really in a rut not truly knowing whether things are improving or not and need a few constructive lessons to get you thinking more positively, having a realistic aim is also a good idea, something that you feel is possible within a sensible time frame such as doing some elems which could give you a sense of achievement, don't set your sights to high or set yourself up to "fail" just a good boost to make you realise that you can do well and that compliments are genuine if given.

 

[Equi]

Put it this way, are you aiming for the olympics? If not - chill out! I suggest getting a few lessons, and accepting that what they say is a professional opinion. Your going to drive your poor horse insane if nothing is good enough.. i'm sure she tries her heart out.

 

[Goldenstar]

I have seen this issue in others .
I think the best way to approach it is two pronged .
The first thing is is work regularly with only one trainer who works to a high standard and will oversee your development in a structured way .
The second thing is that in highly driven successful people I feel this type of thinking is a bit of a mental luxury away from their 'other world ' .
If it's annoying you change it .
So never allow your self negative thoughts when somebody says something nice say thanks she's a very clever girl .
I recommend you read that winning feeling by Jane Savoie a book that helps me a lot at one point.
It's a book principally about setting goals for competing but it does help you see what negative thinking does and why we do it.
You can change the way you view things pretty easily your mind is an adaptable tool.

 

[AdorableAlice]

If you ever have to face a real crisis you will soon realise that there are much greater things to worry about than worrying about what other people think of you.

Just enjoy your horses, you never know what is around the corner and life is far too short to be a perfectionist or to strive for the impossible. I don't give a stuff what people think of me as long as I remain polite and kind to others and enjoy what I am capable of.

 

[Aspire]

What you are describing is amazingly commonplace. It's also part of the good old British tradition of tearing ourselves down before anyone else does it for us. It is actually quite destructive. At the eventers convention one of the top trainers there said he had stopped asking new students to 'tell him about their horse and their partnership" because he said all he got was a list of faults and flaws. He said what he now asked was "tell me three things you like about your horse and your partnership, and one thing you feel you need to work on today". He said riders found that amazingly difficult to do. Training takes time. It takes 10,000 correct repetitions to develop muscle memory, that's for both you and the horse. There is nothing wrong with training hard but you also need to train S.M.A.R.T ie set goals which are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timely. So keep a diary. Break your goals down into 12 weekly bites. At the end of each training session acknowledge in writing what went well, how you're progressing, and exercises you intend to focus on to help develop towards that goal. It helps keep the whole thing real and assists you to measure progression. It's all too easy to forget that 6 months ago canter right was hit and miss, when now we are focused on the fact that the return from a medium canter is unbalanced and we often break during the transition witching the pace.
Jane Savoies book is excellent, as is The Chimp Paradox by Steve Peters. Good luck.

 

[Booboos]

This has nothing to do with the horse, it's a reflection of your own negative self image. To an extent everyone does it and at one end of the scale it's good to be critical of oneself as it leads to self-improvement. There is also a cultural element, i.e. how much your culture values self-promotion and self-belief, or sees them as arrogance and rudeness. However, what you describe sounds extreme and you may want to talk to someone about it. Have you ever had any counselling about your self-image? Maybe an appointment with your GP would help who could suggest other sources of help.

 

[MischievousDeity]

This is my first post, thought i'd throw myself in where i saw something i could relate to!

I used to feel this way, until about August last year i was negative, negative, negative ALL the time. So i got an instructor, not your average shouty one, a nice, calm instructor who constantly builds me and my horse up and tells us how well we're doing, every week i end my lesson feeling amazing and i can now school without getting upset and i'm quite happy if people watch me, I have things to work on etc. it's helped my confidence so much! Now when people give me a compliment it sticks with me and i feel really happy rather than embarrased and thinking they're saying it 'to make me feel better'