Horse out on loan - what would you do?

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Kittykins

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Bit of a long post due to the backstory, but I need help making a decision:

A few years ago a friend of mine had a really lovely but slightly quirky mare. I hacked the mare out a few times and really enjoyed her, so when my friend said that she wasn't getting on with her at all and wanted to sell quickly, I bought her.

Although I've been riding since I was quite young, what I didn't take into account was that for most of the last decade my riding experience has been limited to hacks on the Ashdown forest so I'm rather out of practice when it comes to schooling. And the mare turned out to be greener than I'd thought. As a result, she started acting up (nothing dangerous, she just becomes very stubborn) and I started losing my confidence - and at the same time my job suddenly became a lot more demanding. Feeling rather overwhelmed by it all, I loaned her out to a very nice girl who has been bringing her on. They get on very well (they both like jumping, which I'm less keen on), and she has asked whether I'd be willing to sell.

Since then I've quit my demanding job and had a baby. I'll be getting back to work in a few months but working from home, so work will be much less demanding from now on.

A few weeks ago I visited the mare just to say hello to her and it got me thinking: in a year or so when the baby is a little older I'd really like to get back into riding properly.

As I see it, my options are either to a) sell the mare to the girl who is loaning her and buy a schoolmaster or b) ask for the mare back. But I can't decide which to do.

On the one hand, she gets on very well with the loaner and has settled into the stables there. They do a fair amount of jumping together which she enjoys. She can also be a bit quirky - for example she tried to jump all three steps in one leap when her loaner took her cross country training recently, which I think I would find difficult to cope with.

On the other hand, she's not a dangerous horse, she just needs an assertive rider. As this is something I need to work on, it would be a good challenge for me, particularly if I had regular lessons (which I would). She also has beautiful paces as she's a well bred warmblood and would do well at dressage, which is what I enjoy.

It's slightly complicated by the fact that the girl who has her has been having a really hard time with her other horse so has found that the mare has really kept her spirits up, so I feel rather mean taking her back! On the other hand, she is my horse...

Don't know what to do! Hot chocolate and biscuits for anyone who's make it this far :)
 
I'd sell and get something more suitable.
Why do you think you may click with the mare now, when you didn't previously?
 
You need to go with your gut, not your heart or your head. Don't try and talk yourself into this mare. Is the horse happy and fulfilled? How brave are you?

What does your gut say? If it says get her back then get her back...

x
 
I think it's great that things have worked out so well with the loaner and that if you can you should take the opportunity. Honestly I don't think having a baby will improve things and different horse could be the answer, doesn't have to be a schoolmaster, just maybe a horse that gets on better with what you want to do. You know the mare will be going to a good home and enjoying her life and being fulfilled, you just have to be prepared to let her go which I know is hard, but she will be happy and I'm sure the loaner will stay in contact with you :-)
 
MrsMozart said:
Sell her to the girl.

Find a horse that suits you better.

When your babe arrived, you may find that you're less prone to taking risks.
Click to expand...

This ^^

Take a look at the records of top class female eventers other than Mary King - who rode an Olympics 5 months pregnant, so clearly doesn't have the same sense of responsibility to her children as others do. I think Mary is the only one who competed at the same level ever again once they had children.

It seems quite clear that the responsibility of having children makes a lot of women more cautious, so you'd probably be better off with a steadier horse.
 
I agree with the others. It seems a shame to unsettle the horse so i would sell her. If you took her back and it didn't work out you might struggle to find such a nice loan home for her again.
 
I would also say sell her to the girl, they sound like they are very compatible and have a good time together.

My main reason for this is that timewise, once baby comes, the last thing you need is a mare you find quirky. You would be much better with something easy you can get on and not worry about.
Plus you may feel an awful lot more risk aversive once you have a child to prioritise.
I know its hard but I think this option is easier and it sounds like you will still be able to keep in touch with your mare.
Best wishes
 
quirky said:
Why do you think you may click with the mare now, when you didn't previously?
Click to expand...

I guess what's changed is my frame of mind. Before I was expecting that I still rode at the same level I reached ten years ago, and that she was an easy ride. This time around I'd have more realistic expectations.

I sort of feel like I gave up too easily last time and ought to get on with learning to be a more assertive rider. On the other hand, why make life more difficult than it has to be?

Thanks for all the opinions, sounds like the consensus is that I should sell, which is what I'd been thinking lately too.
 
I'd recommend selling her as it sounds like she has a good home. You will probably find that now you are a mum you will be less confident (due to having responsibilities) not more, and may feel less like tackling her challenging behaviour. Good luck. :)
 
I agree with all the above too - your mare is settled and happy so sell her to the girl and get yourself something else. You won't want to take any risks once you have a child to think about. My theory is - I can't afford to fall off anymore! Best of luck!
 
Since having children,I have,(much to my own disappointment!) become much more risk-avoiding. You either do or don't but as someone pointed out above,it's rare not to. My first thought on reading your post was that learning to cope with her quirkiness and/or 'become a more confident rider' may well in reality be less of a 'challenge' and more of a trauma! Don't do it-horse and loaner sound happy,there are too many sales/loan horror stories about and when time is precious you need to make sure you are enjoying it all,not enduring some of it/having to psyche yourself up or talk yourself into doing stuff you don't really enjoy. Plenty of horses out there with nice DR paces,so find your new partner,suited to you&your life:) Don't know if if makes sense(and others may disagree) but I think that whilst confidence can be 'boosted', it can't really be 'learnt'. Much better to have a horse that you are confident in to start with. Your mare may get quirkier/take the mick and lessen your confidence if she feels you aren't
entirely confident on her? Good luck in whatever you do tho :)
 
you don't need to become a more assertive rider
you need to become a more confident rider
and your gut (and your brain) are telling you that this horse will do the opposite for you.

i find an awful lot of my (usually female) clients are way to hard on themselves
their self talk is not to be such a wimp
when in fact they are being realistic about
1 - their ability
2 - the risks

starting off with telling yourself to be more assertive is creating a battle of wills
confidence in your riding will bring your horse confidence in you

its a relationship you need, not a war
 
Think of it this way, if you take the mare back and it doesn't work out what are you going to do? I doubt the loaner will take her back again. Whereas now she is settled the loaner loves her and you know she will have a very good life with this girl. If you took her back and ended up having to sell her then you won't know where she will end up
 
Juggling a horse, a toddler and a job, even part time, is tough and you will struggle for time and feel pulled in different directions. Get a horse that makes your life easy, who doesn't mind a few days off when you are busy and who u can lead toddler around in even if u haven't time to ride yourself. The last thing you will want is a project or challenging horse who makes DEMANDS on your time. Speaking from experience here, I parted with my sweet but green 5 year old and kept my lively, fun but experienced, stable 15 yr old haflinger. Best decision I ever made as daughter and I enjoy him together but I also have lots of fun on him when I get a few hours off.
 
They are obviously getting on well and have bonded by the sounds of it, I would sell her and let both have a good time while they can, your talking a couple of years at least before getting back into it, I think it would be mean to take her back, there will be lots of horse's for sale when your ready to get back into it.
 
I think you'd be mad to do anything other than sell her to be honest.

Taking her back for the sake of trying to prove a point is quite likely to lead to distress for both you and the mare.

There's an outside chance it could work out well, but if you lost your confidence with her before there's a fairly good chance it could happen again unless she has undergone a radical personality change.

With the loaner she is happy and the loaner is happy and you can get something that suits what you want to do.

If you take her back you risk losing your confidence again, and the horse going downhill as well until she would become much more difficult for you to sell (and find the right home for!)
 
Like everyone else I would sell the mare and get something else. I got myself a 3 year old on loan when my mare got PTS it was a disaster and juggling a 4 year daughter into the equation was just a nightmare! Now have 11 year old whose an absolute sweetie my daughter can sit on him, help brush him and helps lead him in from the field we get to have fun with him together which is lovely!
 
Have just re-read your original post OP.

Basically my feeling is if its not broke don't fix it. You couldn't deal with the mare when you had her before, she didn't really suit you if being honest, and the girl loaning her seems to get on with her OK and even is prepared to buy!

So personally I'd sell PDQ to get closure so you're never in the position to have her back again and and then move on and look for something else which WILL suit you better.

Life's too short to end up with a horse that plainly isn't right for you heh.
 
labruyere said:
i find an awful lot of my (usually female) clients are way to hard on themselves
their self talk is not to be such a wimp
when in fact they are being realistic about
1 - their ability
2 - the risks

starting off with telling yourself to be more assertive is creating a battle of wills
confidence in your riding will bring your horse confidence in you
Click to expand...

What a revelation! I never thought of it that way.

You're absolutely right. I need to build up my confidence, not challenge myself more.

Thank you all guys. I know that the sensible thing to do is sell her, but was feeling like I'd be giving in if I did. But you are right, the best thing to do is leave the horse where she's happy.

Really nice to hear from those of you who involve your children in looking after the horses - I hope to be doing the same in a few years time :)
 
:) Well put it like this if you didn't get on with your mare in the first place and now she is settled in a nice home with somebody that is able to get on with her, surely it would be best for all interests to let the person buy her, it would be a shame to break up a good partnership, so I really think it would be better for you to go and find a more suitable horse for you and let the person buy your mare !
 
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