Horse vs partner

[Astara92]

Soo.. I have been with my partner for 8 years and we have a 5 year old child together, I had a horse before I met him but he used to live out so it didn't take up to much time out of my life but I have had my new more for around 4 years now and she lives in and I spend a lot more time up the yard and feel like I am enjoying her so much more! My partner absolutely hates it to the point he moans at me every single day. I go up once in the morning to muck out and also in the evening to bring in and maybe ride if I have time. I don't ride much purely coz I don't want to annoy my partner. He thinks I put the horse before him and keeps saying I have no time for him but this is totally untrue, I'm always home by the time he gets home from work and in the summer we are away every weekend doing his hobby (motorbikes) so I dont spend hardly any time with my horse during summer time. He has now said that the horse is making to much of a wedge in our relationship and its basically I either loan her or sell her coz he cannot be with someone who has horses anymore and it's making him unhappy.
So I know what you are all going so say... Ditch him ? and yes I totally wish I could but it's so hard when you have been with someone so long and have a family that I don't want to lose but I also am never going to sell my horse!

I'm so stuck! Help

 

[teddypops]

Tell him to grow up and that you are entitled to a hobby as much as he is entitled to his. Although I definitely wouldn’t be with someone who tried to force me to do anything, no matter how long we had been together.

 

[Chuffy99]

Is he also selling the motorcycles?

 

[Caol Ila]

Have you told him that you’re definitely not selling the horse until he sells his motorbikes?

 

[Astara92]

Is he also selling the motorcycles?

No ? he reckons they don't take up any of his time and he can put them in the garage and forgot about them but the horse is a life style and not a hobby.

 

[Squeak]

What an incredibly hard situation to be put in. We are always going to be biased on here to the keep the horse view and it does sound like it's a bit unfair when he also has a time consuming hobby.

Is everything else in the relationship good? I wonder if it's worth putting the horse on fully livery or grass livery or something for a month and being able to be around 24/7 and see what the outcome is. One month on full livery should hopefully be doable cost wise and it might just give you a chance to see if he's still unhappy and other things come up in the relationship or if there was a justifiable reason that it's not working with the horse and then going forwards you could find a sharer or something.

If a child wasn't involved it would be a lot easier to just say pick the horse but I do wonder if a month would be worth a try just so you know you tried.

 

[Clodagh]

My husband dislikes horses, they cost time and money, they are a tie and hard work and they trash his fields (farmer). He would never have asked me to give them up. I never asked him to stop his hobbies.
I am normally anti the dump him comments on here ? but I think maybe you need to see if you can come to an arrangement that makes you both happy.
What would he regard as acceptable?
Maybe even use a mediator to help .
Compromise is both ways, but certainly not all from you.

 

[Astara92]

What an incredibly hard situation to be put in. We are always going to be biased on here to the keep the horse view and it does sound like it's a bit unfair when he also has a time consuming hobby.

Is everything else in the relationship good? I wonder if it's worth putting the horse on fully livery or grass livery or something for a month and being able to be around 24/7 and see what the outcome is. One month on full livery should hopefully be doable cost wise and it might just give you a chance to see if he's still unhappy and other things come up in the relationship or if there was a justifiable reason that it's not working with the horse and then going forwards you could find a sharer or something.

If a child wasn't involved it would be a lot easier to just say pick the horse but I do wonder if a month would be worth a try just so you know you tried.

I think this could be a good idea! We do also have some other issues in our relationship but he reckons it all stems from the horse but I don't believe it! I just feel he blames everything on my and the horse because it takes the heat of what he is like.

 

[Astara92]

My husband dislikes horses, they cost time and money, they are a tie and hard work and they trash his fields (farmer). He would never have asked me to give them up. I never asked him to stop his hobbies.
I am normally anti the dump him comments on here ? but I think maybe you need to see if you can come to an arrangement that makes you both happy.
What would he regard as acceptable?
Maybe even use a mediator to help .
Compromise is both ways, but certainly not all from you.

Well I mentioned about a sharer and he's answer was in so many words NO. Hes not a horsey person what so ever and just basically doesn't want to have a life with me if I have the horse.
It's such a horrible situation because I do love him but I'm starting to hate him for trying to make me choose. He reckons all horse people are odd and end up single coz their partners can't deal with them ??

 

[Esmae]

Tell him to grow up and that you are entitled to a hobby as much as he is entitled to his. Although I definitely wouldn’t be with someone who tried to force me to do anything, no matter how long we had been together.

This completely.

 

[YorksG]

If he has motorbikes, then I very much doubt that the only time he spends with them is when he rides them! The horse sounds to be what he's focused on, maybe to take the focus off other things that are wrong with the relationship. How much time does he spend with his child and do you work?

 

[The Fuzzy Furry]

My husband has bikes, I used to road ride too.
He knew what he was getting into when we met, but 10 years down the line had a hissy fit.
I said to him, he only had to repeat that again and I'd happily pack his bags for him.....
I do accommodate a bit, in that I spend much more time at the yard when he's working, I ride early at weekends if we are going out etc, but he knows that live single horsepower needs looking after at least twice a day all year round.
I have my own yard and no help, so very occasionally he might come with me to a comp, I no longer go racing tho, 10 to 11 long weekends a year between March and October is too expensive to get horse cover regularly. That's when I plan my long days horsing.
However, my daughter is much older and left home 17 years ago.
Good luck!

 

[PaulineW]

Tough situation. What was his reasoning for shooting down the sharer idea? Unless you are equally keen on the motorbikes I think it’s hugely unfair to expect you to give up your hobby for his. Horses came into your life before he did, so it’s not a recent change.

I’d counter his argument with the fact that your weekends are taken up with his hobby, and you don’t complain about that, etc.

Sudden thought: could he be trying to break up with you by making it your fault?? Seems like a lot of negativity coming from him.

 

[Surbie]

I really feel for you, and it's really hard when you have a child to consider too. More than half the horsey women I know are married with children (I am in that age bracket) and most of their husbands aren't horsey. So it can work.

It does sound like you have other things going on, it's not just about horses. A month on full livery, if your yard offers that, is a really good suggestion, but honestly I would worry about being with someone who is so anti what is your passion, resents the time you spend on it and tries to control that. It's toxic and it has an impact on every other area of your life.

This sentence of yours is really telling: 'Hes not a horsey person what so ever and just basically doesn't want to have a life with me if I have the horse.'

I hope you can find a compromise that works for both of you, but if I were you I would also take some time to consider what other options there are, as preparation in case it isn't possible.

 

[Astara92]

If he has motorbikes, then I very much doubt that the only time he spends with them is when he rides them! The horse sounds to be what he's focused on, maybe to take the focus off other things that are wrong with the relationship. How much time does he spend with his child and do you work?

He spends lot more time with the bikes than he makes out. He doesn't spend a lot of time with our child as he runs his own business but that's still no excuse. Yes I also work and basically bring our child up as a single parent and my little one loves coming up the stables with me helping out.

 

[Astara92]

Tough situation. What was his reasoning for shooting down the sharer idea? Unless you are equally keen on the motorbikes I think it’s hugely unfair to expect you to give up your hobby for his. Horses came into your life before he did, so it’s not a recent change.

I’d counter his argument with the fact that your weekends are taken up with his hobby, and you don’t complain about that, etc.

Sudden thought: could he be trying to break up with you by making it your fault?? Seems like a lot of negativity coming from him.

He didn't want me to get a sharer because he thinks the horse will still be on my mind and I won't be able to settle. He thinks that everytine we go away and do something that the horse is on my mind and he's totally wrong! When we go away my father or my friends look after her so I know she's in good hands. I just feel like it's his excuse to have a moan at me. So yeah, he doesn't want me to have sharer because the horse will still be on my mind. He said he feels awful making me choose between him and the horse but this is how he feels and he can't help it.

 

[Goldenstar]

Sometimes in life you reach a cross roads and you are there now .
A responsible man struggling with the time you spend on your horse would sit down and have an adult talk .
Because people can and do have horses and keep it completely separate from their family life .
There are loads of tricks that can be deployed to keep non horsey partners happy .
However my gut feeling is this is about control and if was not the horse it will be something else so I not going to bother discussing how you might alleviate the stress.
Don’t rush but have a serious talk to yourself about want you want and need to be happy .
Then make a plan take time and execute it .
I have said on here so many times everybody needs a slush fund, keepy back is what a friends granny who introduced me to concept when I was young called it .
I did not understand then but as grew up I saw what she was telling us was true .

 

[Goldenstar]

After my sensible reply I will add tell him to do one .

 

[ycbm]

He said he feels awful making me choose between him and the horse but this is how he feels and he can't help it.

There are two children in your marriage then?

Call his bluff, you say you are bringing up your child as a single parent anyway, so tell him in that case you choose the horse and see what he says then.
.

 

[PapaverFollis]

He sounds like a controlling ****. If he's not willing to compromise and consider seeing how it is with a sharer then he's just trying to control you. Tell him that the line is here and he can choose whether to accept it or not. Does he want you to be sitting at home waiting for him, looking pretty with the dinner on the table?

 

[McFluff]

I really feel for you. What a tough situation to be in.
my personal view is that a relationship shouldn’t feel that hard, yes, there will always be compromises, but neither person should be forced to give up something that is their passion.
it sounds like you have tried to look at compromise (a sharer), but it sounds like he’s not meeting you halfway. it also sounds like your child is easy amd goes with you, so he’s not even being left holding the baby.
none of us are in your shoes, but in my experience, it sounds like there are more fundamental issues here. Selling your horse will just make you resent him amd is unlikely to lead to happy ever after.
I couldn’t stay with someone who didn’t want me to be happy. My OH isn’t horsey but fully supports my hobby (actually think he enjoys time to spend on his without guilt).
Perhaps suggest going for counselling before either of you take any drastic action.
Good luck.

 

[Velcrobum]

He sounds like a controlling ****. If he's not willing to compromise and consider seeing how it is with a sharer then he's just trying to control you. Tell him that the line is here and he can choose whether to accept it or not. Does he want you to be sitting at home waiting for him, looking pretty with the dinner on the table?

My thoughts exactly. His behaviour mirrors the behaviour of my ex-fiance. Did not have a horse then but had a career albeit in NHS and he was jealous that I was working and living 35 miles away. I dumped him as it was toxic then got stalked.............

 

[Arzada]

He said he feels awful making me choose between him and the horse but this is how he feels and he can't help it.

This works both ways doesn't it? I couldn't choose him. It's not him or the horse. It's letting him bully and control you or the horse. If you choose to split from him tell him you also feel awful but it's how you feel and you can't help it.

 

[Petalpoos]

if you can, try and go away for a few days on your own and think all this through, without any pressure. You have said that there are other issues, even if your OH does think they are all down to the horse, but that is not likely. Consider that you could end up giving up your horse and then your relationship ends anyway. He certainly sounds way too controlling to me, are you giving him ultimatums on how to run his life? I suspect you are now both on your way down the slippery slope and whatever you do will only delay the inevitable outcome.

As I said at the beginning of this, taking some time away from all the day to day stress so you can concentrate on the possible outcomes is, in my experience, very helpful in allowing you to see what the answer should be.

Good luck.

 

[splashgirl45]

i would put the horse on full livery for a month and during that time make sure that you decide what YOU want. then sit down and tell him what you want him to do during that month, maybe spend more time with your child, take you and child out for the day to something like the zoo or or a long weekend away just the three of you..decide what sort of things you would like and see what happens. i feel he is trying to control you too much and wonder how he would respond if you said he had to decide between you and motorbikes, so he needs to sell the bikes and get a car for transport instead...i am afraid that if someone gave me that sort of ultimatum i would be ending the relationship but i dont have children so cant know how that would be different. whatever you do it needs sorting out one way or another, good luck

 

[AmyMay]

Get a sharer - it’s your horse after all - say for two days a week.

And have a sit down chat with him about how to go forward with your relationship.

It’s really healthy to have separate interests, and he must recognise this due to his own hobby.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

Well I mentioned about a sharer and he's answer was in so many words NO. Hes not a horsey person what so ever and just basically doesn't want to have a life with me if I have the horse.
It's such a horrible situation because I do love him but I'm starting to hate him for trying to make me choose. He reckons all horse people are odd and end up single coz their partners can't deal with them ??

To be quite honest that sounds as if he is looking for an excuse to blame you for ending the relationship. 'Oh she wouldn't give up the horse for me, so I had to leave'. There are plenty of horse people with partners, some people even have horsey partners but other couples make it work, when only one of them has a horse. How does your horse impinge on time you would spend with him, if you didn't have her? Does your having a horse affect the time you can spend with your child?



ETA, How dare he presume to tell you what you can think about when you are on holiday? This definitely sounds like co-ersive, controlling behaviour. Nip it in the bud, quick!

 

[teddypops]

To be quite honest that sounds as if he is looking for an excuse to blame you for ending the relationship. 'Oh she wouldn't give up the horse for me, so I had to leave'. There are plenty of horse people with partners, some people even have horsey partners but other couples make it work, when only one of them has a horse. How does your horse impinge on time you would spend with him, if you didn't have her? Does your having a horse affect the time you can spend with your child?

I agree, I think he is looking to end the relationship and wants to blame something so he doesn’t look like the bad guy.

 

[Velcrobum]

Sudden thought: could he be trying to break up with you by making it your fault?? Seems like a lot of negativity coming from him.

Nail on head!!

 

[Astara92]

To be quite honest that sounds as if he is looking for an excuse to blame you for ending the relationship. 'Oh she wouldn't give up the horse for me, so I had to leave'. There are plenty of horse people with partners, some people even have horsey partners but other couples make it work, when only one of them has a horse. How does your horse impinge on time you would spend with him, if you didn't have her? Does your having a horse affect the time you can spend with your child?



ETA, How dare he presume to tell you what you can think about when you are on holiday? This definitely sounds like co-ersive, controlling behaviour. Nip it in the bud, quick!

It doesn't effect time tkme I spend with him as I finish work earlier than him so I go and see to the horse before he finishes, sometimes I'm home an hour after he is because I may ride but I'm never late as I get my little boy ready for bed at 6.30 and also when I go up the farm my little one either comes with me of my father has him so he has no reason to moan!