Horse vs partner

Melody Grey

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14 April 2014
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I speak from bitter experience when I say that a child growing up with a parent who is an addict can be a lifelong damaging experience. Your OH needs professional help with this, not moulding you into their support.

It sounds like you and your son need to step away (at least for a while) to give Dad the opportunity to sort himself out. He needs to want that first for himself and then for you guys.

Really wishing you all luck. x
 

Goldenstar

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You poor thing ,in my family my Aunt was an alcoholic so I have seen close to what addicts do to those around him .
My advice to all in this situation is to save yourself my Aunt has been dead a long time but the ripples of damage still run through her family and deeply affected my father whose is dead now .
You have a child you have to jump ship in my view and make a home for him and yourself
What your partner is after is an enabler and little helper to keep him on the road so to speak he will have you taking ownership of his problem before you know it .

Please do some thinking and then confide in a friend or your family .
We are here to dump on if you are not ready to confide in those close to you ,that’s hard because once you say it it can’t be unsaid .
 

cbmcts

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Do you mind me asking how old both of you are? If this is your first/only long term relationship, you may not know any different about what is normal or reasonable.

When you're parents or starting out in life, sometimes you have to make sacrifices to get ahead for financial, safety or time reasons. That's fair enough sometimes but they should be shared sacrifices and for good reasons...not jealousy/a need to control.

It sounds like the horse is a bit of a red herring. He has his own demons and thinks, consciously or otherwise that by controlling what you do and where you go, who you spend time with etc, he can make himself feel better. That is unfair and unreasonable and if you concede on this point, I suspect you will still be in the wrong. I think it's AL Anon who has the mantra that " You did not cause (the addiction), you cannot cure them, only they can make the change for the better. He is the only person who can make himself happy.

As an old and cynical bird, I'd start making plans to get out of this relationship. If he sorts himself out, there is nothing to say that you can't rekindle the relationship and/or effectively jointly parent your child. Remember that you and your son are also entitled to seek happiness, even if he perceives doing so as causing him unhappiness. His rights don't trump yours.
 

J&S

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I think you need an exit plan for yourself and your son. I do not know which substance he is abusing/using but what ever it is, this can lead to very unpredictable and erratic behaviour. Please take care and do not escalate the situation
unwittingly. I hope that you have friends and/or family who you can turn to.
 
Joined
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You poor thing ,in my family my Aunt was an alcoholic so I have seen close to what addicts do to those around him .
My advice to all in this situation is to save yourself my Aunt has been dead a long time but the ripples of damage still run through her family and deeply affected my father whose is dead now .
You have a child you have to jump ship in my view and make a home for him and yourself
What your partner is after is an enabler and little helper to keep him on the road so to speak he will have you taking ownership of his problem before you know it .

Please do some thinking and then confide in a friend or your family .
We are here to dump on if you are not ready to confide in those close to you ,that’s hard because once you say it it can’t be unsaid .
Thank you so much for your reply! And yes it is so hard for the family who is involved with an addict. You lose who you are and have to question things you do because you always want to do rite by your partner but they are not in the rite frame of mind.
 

Red-1

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Recently bought into cob culture.
I am very sad for the situation you find yourself in. I agree that getting rid of the horse won't solve it. I would, possibly, have a sharer, just to take some of the load in that department while you sort the rest out. I believe you have a tough road ahead, but that it can have a happy ending. I would focus on the happy ending, it will help navigate the bumpy road.

Something has to change, that much is obvious. I have seen a couple of threads on here, where the question has started innocuously enough, but then the true scale of the problem is brought into focus by an outsider's viewpoint. I am sure that your OH is very convincing. Often, people in your situation have no idea how the situation is really playing out, until it is brought into focus. He initiated one change, now you have seen some viewpoints from outsiders, I suspect you too will want to initiate some different change.

I have a concern: when things start to change, some people who have been controlling will re-double their efforts. That could mean being unpleasant, threats re money, saying it is all your fault in a guilt trip. It could even mean he lashes out. Sometimes people lash out, then say that it is your fault. It would not be your fault.

What kind of support network do you have? Family? Friends? It may help to confide in a trusted person, who knows you IRL. Do you have access to funds?

I would say, stay strong. There is light at the end of the tunnel. He may have done you a favour by adding this one demand that led you to seek alternate viewpoints, even if there is a rocky road between here and now, and where you would like to be.
 

Pearlsasinger

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Thank you so much for your reply! And yes it is so hard for the family who is involved with an addict. You lose who you are and have to question things you do because you always want to do rite by your partner but they are not in the rite frame of mind.

Remember that he has to want to give up the substance for any progress to be made, he is unlikely to want to make changes if you enable him to carry on as he is doing. You would be doing him a favour by removing yourself and your child from the current situation and standing firm. If/when he gets himself sorted out you could reconsider, if you want to, or at least encourage your child to have a relationship with his Dad.
Please do be careful if you do decide to leave, just go, then ask your Dad, or a male friend to go back with you to collect your belongings at a time when OH is less likely to be at home, leaving the child in a safe place. He won't give up his control easily.
 

nutjob

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Giving up your horse also means you give up friends and acquaintances at the yard who can tell you that HIS behaviour is weird and controlling. It's just like persuading you to give up your job or to cut off contact with your family. Having an exit strategy is a good idea, you don't need to use it if you can work things out but have an idea of where you could go in an emergency and some form of financial independence. I lived with an alcoholic stepfather and eventually had to leave the house with my mother in the middle of the night with just the clothes we were wearing.
 

DabDab

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Tbh OP I would sell your horse given what you have said about substance abuse. There will be other horses but your son has no options in this situation, and whether you stay with his father or leave him there will be a tricky road to travel in the immediate future.

No you shouldn't have to sell your horse, but sometimes we find ourselves in situations that require sacrifices to sort out, and you have had a child with this man.

Like others have suggested, it sounds like you need to do something to give yourself some thinking space so that you can work out what you want, whether the relationship is worth trying to save, or how to best extract yourself if not, and how to best protect your son. All massively difficult stuff but I'm sure you can do this. All the best xx
 

Abi90

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OP, I don’t want to hijack your thread but this sounds very similar to my situation except without the child.

my husband has never liked my horse and has always guilt tripped me for the time and money I have spent on them, everything is a compromise to what he wants down to money and what we eat, it is his way and I just follow. He’s not an alcoholic in the typical sense but he drinks far too much far too often, and when he does he is horrible to me. He never prioritises me and his Mum and sister always come first (he went on the drink with them 2 weeks after I nearly died coming off a horse and was left helpless at home with a broken collar bone, hand and head injury and still doesn’t see the problem).

I have struggled with this for 4 years and then thought I had met someone new, turns out he wasn’t that interested but it gave me the clarity to see that I shouldn’t be putting up with this and I’m making plans to end it.

I just wanted to say that I feel for you and you aren’t alone
 

Pearlsasinger

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Only because it’s a bit difficult to leave. I pay for the house and we work together currently until Christmas. I can’t leave because I pay for the house and if I kick him out it will have massive repercussions at work

Afair (forgive me if I am thinking of the wrong poster), you are in the forces? Have you considered speaking to someone in authority about your housing situation? I cannot believe that personnel are forced to stay in unhappy relationships because rehousing someone would be awkward.
 

Abi90

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Afair (forgive me if I am thinking of the wrong poster), you are in the forces? Have you considered speaking to someone in authority about your housing situation? I cannot believe that personnel are forced to stay in unhappy relationships because rehousing someone would be awkward.
You are correct, he could move into the mess but I still have to physically kick him out
 

Abi90

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If you/he will be moving anyway at Christmas, I can see your reasoning but otherwise, as we say in our family; 'Oh dear, never mind, shame about his luck'! I don't suppose the mess is that bad a place to live.
Speaking to the Padres this week to see what I can do. I have support.

I don’t hate him and I’m not unhappy all the time, but I don’t like who he is when he’s drunk and he’s drunk a lot. We don’t have kids, our house is rented to someone else so we’re no tied too much.

I’m only 31, plenty of time to find someone better
 

wills_91

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Abi90 if he drinks to much and to often then he is an alcoholic. I hope you can get your situation sorted ASAP.

Op - another here who grew up with a father with a substance abuse problem. Please please try and remove your son from this situation. Your partner needs help but he needs to want to help himself first.
 

Sossigpoker

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14 September 2020
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He sounds really immature!
My partner of 10 years isn't horsey but he doesn't begrudge me the time I spend with my horse and he actually cried when I had my old horse PTS!
He can see how much my horse helps me mentally and physically and it gets me out of the house to socialise (I'm not a very social person normally ). Why would a loving partner want to deny you something that brings you joy ?
 

vannersrus

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8 January 2011
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Please check out the effect ACEs ( adverse childhood experiences) have on young children being brought up in toxic relationships. Your child would be best out of it as would you- I agree with the suggestions about finding a sharer or even a full loan for a while whilst you concentrate on sorting a safe place for both of you. Stay strong !
 
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