Horses for dummies...your complete guide to horse ownership.

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Agent XXX999

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So I am thinking of writing a book with the above title.

Maybe you could all help?

Chapter one...buying the horse.

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Now, when buying a horse, it is good to take someone with you who knows a little more than your nothing. This is almost expected, however, the likelyhood is that you wont listen and talk yourself into buying an entirely unsuitable horse...or you will listen and they will talk you into buying a very unsuitable horse with promises of lessons and all the help you can get - providing you keep it on livery at her/her friends/his sisters yard for an extortionate amount.
When looking at the horse, you should check it has the basics (four legs/four feet/head/tail etc) and it walks in a straight line. You should go in the stable with it - it is not good at this point if you get bitten or kicked I suggest you leave. On the same note, if the horse is skinny and miserable, at least make sure it can be ridden before you feel so sorry for it and buy it.
Hands should be run down the limbs - nooone will know that you dont know what you are doing, but as handy hint would be that if the limbs feel hot (remember the horse is a living animal so should feel warmer than a rocking horse...) it is not a good thing, nor are lumps (unless you are at a joint, this is normal) or if you pull your hand away and there is blood on it (see above point about sympathy votes)
Questions should be asked of the present owner, that you will forget the answers too, but ask anyway - is he good in traffic...is he good in company...what is he like at competitions (!!!! a long way off, you need to learn to ride him first!) what does he eat (probably best avoided if he is skin and bone...) The seller will, of course, answer any question with a positive..therefore meaning that asking them in the first place is a bit pointless, seeing as though you are unlikely to get a straight answer.

The horse should then be tacked up and mounted by the seller. Watch for things such as whether the horse is limping, or if when it stands up on its back legs the seller laughs and says that is a trick they taught him. When you have seen the horse walk/trot/canter/jump, get on it yourself, and do the same. Dont worry - you will never, ever make the horse go as well as the owner. Even if they say you are doing well, their mind will be full of how they do it better....its best to block this out of your mind.

So long as you dont fall off, dismount, and ask if the horse is open to vetting (this is an extention of the aforementioned running hands down the limbs, it costs considerably more though...and is not entirely reliable) if yes, and if you like the horse...arrange for a vetting. If no, walk away, and repeat proccess.....
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Do you think they would publish it?
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OK - chapter 2

when you get you're new horse home

Before he arrives get hold of every possible horse equipment catalogue and browse rigorously. Buy colour co-ordinated gear for you and the nag - in the latest fashion colour

a pink or blue bit looks particularly nice wiht a pink girth and spangled saddlecloth with matching red and blue jodhpurs, yellow jacket and green hat cover

don't forget he'll need boots to protect those legs from getting hot - purple is a nice colour

get your friend/yo/mate to organise a stable and field. If you look at the fields before the horse arrives and some of the barbed wire puts a tear in your new yellow coat - ask the YO - if they say the spikes are for decoration and that the fence lines sagging is to help hang the xmas lights on - that's probably OK.

brushes - you'll need lots of them as the seem to grow legs and run away regularly - colour co-ordinated is good - blue and silver seem to be fashionable - so get a matching leadrope and headcollar

stopping your new horse - brakes are essential - don't forget to combine your new pink or blue bit with a nice orange webbing bridle - that will look great on a nice chestnut (chestnut is a sort of orange coloured horse).

body protectors - you should wear one when you ride but if your new horse showed you his teeth when you were trying him out it might be good to wear it in the stable as well

shoes - your new boy will need these - but they only come in a nice silver colour. They cost as much as a cheap pair of trainers but whilst it sounds cute to have them jingling along as the horse walks that really means you need to have them replace by a farrier - not that you should sing along to the clanking and clinking.

farrier - he's the large burly chap with an anvil and several hammers

do not upset the farrier - he's much bigger than you.
when your new horse kicks him he might be offended and not come back

ifyou see the farrier pick up your horses leg and hang on tight as it stands on it's back legs then your horse is not practicing circus tricks. He should be told off

go and get your carrot stick and wave it at your horse to make him stand still for the nice farrier.
 
If your farrier swears at your horse, do not suggest that he try natural farriership. Especially if it's raining. He will not be amused?

Also - reference chapter one, and taken from real life experiences, aka project horse. If the owner says s/he can't be a8sed/does not have time/ etc to bring the horse in from the field so could you please buy it from 300 yards - s/he is er lying?
 
If you can buy your new horse's tack from the previous owner that is good because then you will know it fits. If your Yo, instructor, or other liveries try to tell you that it needs adjusting or refitting, just ignore them. they are probably jealous. However you must take off the browband and noseband and replace with pink diamonte versions immediately. ask the nice lady in the tack shop if she has any sprays and lotions she can sell you. These make grooming last longer so you may have a good excuse not to ride.
 
When you start riding your new horse and he bucks/rears/rolls to throw you off, dont listen to people who tell you to get his back/tack and teeth checked, after all that money could be better spent on the latest training aid of natural horsemanship package. His bad behaviour is clearly just because you havent joined up with him, nothing to do with your riding or any pain.

When the silly people finally bully you into getting him checked out physically, and all his problems are addressed, and he still wont behave, takes off, doesnt listen, there is no way this is down to your riding or constant jabbing in the mouth. Why do you need lessons if you have your own horse afterall! No point in paying someone for lessons when you have a horse, instead invest this money in level 2 of the natural horsemanship programme you are already on.
 
At this stage, it may be as well to take some lessons in looking down on and pitying those less bright than yourself. There are, for example, an amazing number of people about, who have been riding successfully for absolute years, with no multi-coloured gizmos, not the first clue about how to let down their hair or pick up their pension or whatever it is, and not so much as a shredded carrier bag on the end of their schooling whip.
Obviously, now you have a horse of your own, this would be a good time to let them in on all the secrets you have learned in the last month or two. Try to tell them authoritatively, and don't stand any nonsense.
You may be surprised that this type of old campaigner, who might express their unwillingness to 'join up' by swearing into a chipped coffee mug which smells vaguely of Neatsfoot Oil, and generally avoiding you in future. Do not be deterred, and do buy them a nice book about your preferred method for Christmas. So much nicer than a bottle of wine or a box of choccies.
 
Chapter 4 Your first show
Now that you have all the pink and blue equipment, you need to take your horse to somewhere that people will see him. To mingle with the best society, Gatcombe, and Badminton are advisable. If you have a fondness for alcohol and strangers, Hartpury may be suitable. At this stage it should be noted that the attractive 'features' of Badminton are not garden decorations, no, you and your mount are intended to jump them....at this stage, Parelli and your NH trainer may run out of appropriate uses of carrot sticks etc, and you may find they become very busy with other clients.
But don't worry - you don't have to actually jump the fences...as long as Dobbin aka 'Flying Wonderhorse IV' is withdrawn due to lameness. Then, with your new found friends Jonty and Lucretia Quinn-Robinson, you will be able to walk around the course (dressed in full sparkly new riding regalia) and discuss how you would have jumped them...where you would have placed your carrot stick.
(Note: Over is the preferred route, not under, through or past.)
To be continued....
S
 
Chapter 5 - your first hack

After 6 weeks of not breaking out a trot in the arena, you suddenly decide to be brave and go hacking (that's when you actually leave the yard and ride in big wide open spaces (ideal for your horse to make an absolute mockery of you as a so called rider).

After kitting you and the horse out in head to toe reflective kit, enough to rival Blackpool's alluminations at Christmas AND New year, you eagerly walk towards the yard entrance.

One foot past the gate and your horse turns in a 19hh dressage ponce which you had no idea existed and think it's rather good fun to trot sideways down the road. HAHA, you're mistaken, this is only the tip of the ice berg.

You make it just to the bridleway/open field/farmland just. This is after nearly denting the local vet's car, narrowly avoiding the group of kids out from the local RS, who incidently are riding a damn sight better than you ever will, and somehow finding that your horse seems to like jumping shadows, puddles, twigs, rubbish and everything else that you cant see.

Now this is the time to remember that although the previous owners said the horse was traffic proof, they actually meant that it likes to play ball with minis. Oh and added to this, your horse hasn't been ridden on grass for 4 years (the last time someone dared to hack it out). Grass to a horse indicated 1 of 2 things - either to eat it or to go as fast as it can whilst ignoring the rider on board.

You also suddenly remember that the advert said ex-racehorse - which you innocently thought that it never got through training and didn't race. WRONG, this means your horse either walks or gallops. Nothing inbetween. You brace yourself as you ask for trot, ok, it's fine - horse is a bit keen but you're ok just.

Whooshhhhh - you have has suddenly veered 45 degrees to the right to avoid a phesant. You re-right yourself in the saddle whilst at the same time, wishing you had something to hold on to (haha serves you right for solo combing that mane!). Whilst this happens, you somehow boot your horse in the ribs and you're away.

Horse is having fun, you're not. Realising the true meaning of forward going. After taking you 20 laps of the field to slow down just to a canter, you're cursing that left wing hippie NH lady on your yard for saying that every horse only needs to be ridden in a loose ring snaffle and a cavesson.

As you passage your way home, f'ing and blinding, you remember on page 68 of the Rideaway catologue all those different shiny metal things. You make a mental note to ask your friend what a waterford is (in your ignorance thinking, it's the name of a water jump on the local xc course) and whether it would be suitable for your turbo charged 15hh tb.
 
chapter 6 - feeding your charge......

..........because you are now too scared to ride the thing you guilt feed it instead, hell if it's had hard feed you musn't ride it for an hour, and oh dear how convienient you won't have time to ride it at all.....so off you go to annoy the feed merchant! make sure that you ask for something that doesn't actually exist, by an unknown company, for example hobson's and dobson's cool hooves, this will cause the feed merchant to roll their eyes and think "oh christ here we go again" really argue your point that you bought that product in that store last week - after all you have known horse feed exists for all of 6 weeks the merchant has been in business years so obviously you know best!
you will need at least six separate bags of feed for your charge (more if it was thin when you bought it) make sure you colour co-ordinate the bags, and a multitude of supplements - the prettier the tub the better it will work - a calmer is very important as it will transform your mental dutch warmblood to a quiet plod overnight, even if you are feeding him on racehorse mix.
while at the feed merchants have a look at the for sale boards, as you are now an experienced horseman you will need a second horse now!!!!
 
Chapter 7 - the wonder that is NH/Parelli

Now that your turbo charged, overfed, under worked steed is banging door the stable door, you remember the article you came across in Your Horse entitled "Natural Horsemanship - the answer to all your problems". Aha you think, your new steed must have problems.

You dig out the article and read it eagerly noting down key points and helpful handy hints.

Firstly, you fork out hundreds of pounds in order to get a dvd, a gloried schooling whip (aptly named carrot stick because durrrr it's orange!) and a large rubber ball which you'd normally find being used in your local gym.

Secondly - you open the stable door for horse to bolt into the arena. You can now start to join up. As your horse canters around the arena thinking this is fun - I'm being exercised without her riding me, you eagerly try to get the horse to lower its head and chew its lips (just like in the Horse Whisperer). Your horse however is thinking **** this!

Thirdly - after 4 days of standing in the arena, the horse finally comes within 3 feet of you. Congratulations, you've now joined up. Time to get that schooling whip, whoops I mean carrot stick out.

Fourthly: as you use the carrot stick to desensitize your horse over whatever it is is frightened of (it's not btw, stop feeding it oats and learn how to ride!) the horse becomes very wary of you waving stuff around as though you were landing a plane

to be continued.........
 
Chapter 7 - Time for a change.

Well, Parelli's not working, seventeen different feeds aren't working, there must be something wrong with the yard.
At this point, the best thing to do is fall out with someone in a big way. That blonde tart with the Irish Horse is your best bet, she's short on patience and doesn't suffer fools gladly. What you *could* do is start trying to convert her to NH. If that fails, you could try to chat up her bloke, or as a last resort, you could borrow her leather tendon boots and somehow manage to break all the straps.

Obviously, the yard management is not what it should be, and no one seems able to help you with your horse, so blaming the falling out with the blonde one, you start looking for another yard.

You probably want one with a round pen, and at this stage, I would suggest a very charismatic (aka : expensive) professional, preferably actually calling themselves a horse whisperer.

Don't be surprised to find that this yard is expensive. After all, everyone here respects the horse. They are all bedded only on shredded copies of The Ecologist and The Guardian. One small point, don't mention hunting on this yard. Not that you were going to. You will find that every member of this yard abhors 'hunting with dogs' (never mind hounds).

On the upside, there is loads of free time in the school, as everyone else is also waiting for the right time to ride.
 
Chapter 8 - asking the experts

Having exhausted the possibilities of natural horsemanship, corrective farriery, expensive osteopaths, horse dentists and feeding, you decide it is time to call in the experts.

Unfortunately Monty Roberts isn’t back in the country for another 6 months and the Pat Parreli conference costs about the same to attend as 3 months livery so you are left with the option of asking your YO, talking to the other liveries, or going online. Seeing as how you have fallen out with your YO when she ‘abused your horse’ (gave him a sharp yank on the headcollar) when she was turning him out – you’ve explained that when he tries to pull away she should ask him to yield his hindquarters for 20mins but she said she didn’t have time – and the other livery owners are all sadistic horse abusers (that 17yr old showjumper girl actually rides in SPURS !!!!!!), you log onto an internet forum. Never mind that these people know nothing about you, have never seen you ride, and never met your horse – surely they are best placed to act as sole help whilst you totally reschool your horse.

You carefully type the problems you are having with you new horse and wait breathlessly for replies. 10mins later you have 7 replies all saying that the horse is clearly in pain and you need to get his teeth/back/saddle fit checked. Upon informing people you have already tried this route, you receive another 3 replies from people suggesting you get a second opinion on the above, one containing a horrific story about a pony who past a vetting and then started bucking wildly and eventually turned out to have a plastic bag stuck under the skin of his leg. Feeling slightly sick, you turn the monitor off and go and have a quiet lie down.

Later, feeling brave, you check the post again. Another 6 replies!!!!!!!! Feeling a renewed sense of hope you quickly scan the page. There are 3 posts from other Natural Horsemanship people telling you that it is no wonder you are having problems if you have only done 6wks of groundwork with your horse and maybe if you don’t have the patience to bond with your horse, horses aren’t for you. Following that are 2 posts from people disagreeing with the NH posts but not adding any suggestions of their own. One person tells you (in capital letters) to sell the horse and go back to having riding lessons. You feel like crying and turn off the computer. Maybe you will have to go and talk to the YO after all.

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