Hovis' friday diary

[Hovis_and_SidsMum]

Dear diary
I am writing this from within a kennel. I believe that’s where dogs live and I am in the dog house. Big time. I shall explain why in a minute.
Last Friday all was well with the world, the sun was shining, I was naked, eating grass, hanging out with fancy pants and trying to ogle the girl in the next field without being too obvious. When a car came down the drive. HIS car. I had prayed with all my heart that when we moved Evil Army Man wouldn’t know where we had gone so thus couldn’t come and beast us silly. Drat it though the man found us and made me spend an hour prancing about like some queen dressage pansy with my head on my chest, CARRYING my own head. Someone report the man to the RSPCA. I have a BIG head. It’s heavy. I shouldn’t be made to carry it – that’s what mums are for. She in fairness was puffing and blowing like she was doing something difficult so he made her get off. Now to those of you who have never met EAM all I can tell you is that when he stride towards you and puts his foot in a stirrup its time to start praying. Needless to say I am no feathery fool so instantly I decided that carrying my own head wasn’t so bad after all and proceeded to do my best impression of the dressage fairies I have seen at competitions. Mum starting using all sorts of rude words but whether they were aimed at EAM or me I’m not sure…….. maybe both of us?
Then he made her take me down the road on our OWN. The man is a sadist. I love my mum dearly but seriously she is no use to me fighting one of those big tractor things. Luckily we didn’t see any so all was ok but it was a close run thing.
Then all weekend mum practised what EAM had shown her. Not content with ruining my Friday he ruined my weekend too. Seriously mum is turning into a right teachers pet. To compensate Dad did take me for a quick hack and we had a great yeehaa canter up a track. That was fun. The rest of the weekend sucked.
Wednesday night dad took me in the school and made me do lots of boring transitions including trot to canter. So I got my own back and refused to go on the correct leg. This went on for a while until I realised I was in danger of missing tea if I didn’t play ball so then showed him I can do it when I feel like it.
That’s another thing. All the other people at our place are being made to stay out at night. Do you think their mums don’t love them? I’d FREEZE if I had to stay out at night and there’s no way I am sleeping with fancy pants to stay warm. Sod Darwins theory of intelligent beasts staying alive – I’d rather be extinct than wake up cuddling Pride, with him slobbering in my ear. Mum says when the weather is a bit warmer we can stay out if we want. Ha! Not bleeding likely mother. I like my bed and my PJs and my hay and having some “me” time away from his lordship.
Anyway yesterday morning I was roused out of my bed by Mum and Aunty Sarah. Aunty Sarah took Pride and Dad took me to keep them company on a little hack. This is apparently because I am “sensible”. Yeah. About that…….. Now I swear I was not scared as that would be unmanly, I was concerned the tractor driver was lost so I was trying to show him the way. So to do that I HAD to take both my front feet off the floor…. and spin round to point……..
Dad is not amused, Mum is not amused, Aunty Sarah seemed to think it was very funny. Dad did suggest he was amazed that I could get my front feet off the ground in the first place, even if it was only a little tiny bit. So if you never hear from me again I have not escaped from the dog house. Can someone please smuggle me a carrot as I think the likelihood of me getting any in my tea tonight are something akin to zero………

 

[poodle20]

Excellent as usual. Brightens up my Friday's.

 

[Theresa_F]

Dearest Hovis,

Your EVM sounds a look like my evil Aunty Sarah. She comes round every few weeks and gets onboard and that girl has legs of iron. She can now get me walking and trotting along with my head coming down and my neck rounding and using my bum, ha but my canter is still all my own though I can do a 20 m circle without too much trouble.

Even worse, she then gets one of the teens on me and shows them all her evil ways.

Fat mummy only had stumpy little legs, so I can often ignore her and she is till too weak and puny to make me on if I don't want to be nice.

We can't go out until May at night, and then freedom from the stable until October. I would love to come and keep you warm and snuggled up at night if you fancy it.

Lots of love

Farra Clydesdale

PS: Mummy honestly thinks I may end up a grey sabino - my bum is more grey than ginger at the moment where my coat is changing. She has been grooming me like mad this week, but she had chemo yesterday so I know she will not be up to 15 minutes hard grooming at a time for a week.

 

[Katie__Connie]

Hi Hovis
My mum is obsessed with this carrying your own head mallarky at the moment too! Way too much hard work for my liking She says her and me are both a bit rubbish at this dressage thing I just want to jump anyway
Poor you in the dog house! ***smuggles in lots of carrots***
Topsy.

 

[Angua2]

Hi Hovis,

I think there is something in the air, as my mum has been on about my head too, I don't know what my mums problem is as I don't make her hold my head at all I just stick it up in the air, as a TB should. Now she is mumbling about my bum being in the next county... I am not sure how that works as it is definatly attached to the rest of me and I am here!! I must be getting something wrong as I was trussed up like a chicken last night (oh what is is she calls it... a powa?).

Lots of Love

Ru

 

[spookypony]

Dear Hovis and all the others,

it must be a conspiracy! ! We had to do shapes for the Pole Lady yesterday, and evey time I put my head down and started gnawing on the metal thing in my mouth, I got called "good boy". What is up with that?

Hovis, I have to say I don't understand why you don't want to be outside at night time. Wouldn't you rather eat fresh grass than hay? I like hay, it's really good, but fresh green grass beats it every time!

Anyway, please have some of my carrots, if you don't get any in your supper!

Carrots,
the Spooky Pony

 

[eahotson]

Brilliant as ever Hovis.P.S Does the EAM know what you call him?

 

[Slinkyunicorn]

Its those 'plan' things I tried to warn you all about. It must be some sort of spring sale in one of things they called shops as all owners seem to have one at the moment - pah!! They are such bloody sheep...........

When my mum makes me do the carry your own head thing I find it helps if you become very bendy and walk sideways in a different direction - give it a whirl chaps!!

Pony nuts for you all,

The Big Grey Lump