Hovis_and_SidsMum
Well-Known Member
Dear diary
Please can you arrange delivery of food rations and carrots to:
Casa del fido
In deep doo doo lane
Smacked Bottom
Ooopshire
HE2 3LP
The reason for this request is simple - I think I'm going to be staying there for a while....
I was doing so well this week, after accidentally flattening Dad and very nearly EAM at last weeks jumping clinic I have made such an effort to regain my halo.
On wednesday I didn't pass comment on being asked to do trotting poles for 30 minutes nor refuse to wind in and out of upturned buckets - although this did make me wonder once again about my mothers mental health?
Yesterday I cantered very nicely for mum whilst we worked on correct strike offs and using the corners of the school ensure we could execute good turns into jumps. I didn't even throw a hissy when mum put the pole we were cantering over in the wrong place so i had to execute a turn Darcey Bussell would have been proud of just to get there.
So all in all mum was happy with me, I was on bestest behaviour giving lots of cuddles and generally being my utterly adorable self.
Then this morning I let myself down - AGAIN. Dammit I wish i would learn but I just forget myself and then whoops i did it it again I'm back residing with the pooch.
We went out for a hack with Billy and Aunty C and had several nice trots down the country lanes in the sunshine saying hi to a few nice ladies and generally being Bad Boys out cruisng the hood. Then we cut back across stubble fields and mum and Aunty C decided to have a canter. Well I had been waiting for this like rudolf waits for christmas, I am feeling very well at the moment - i have lots of lovely grass, Dolly is fancying me, I have a new aerodynamic haircut, the sun is shing and all is right with the world. So its not my fault that when asked to step up a pace I leap forward to comply, put my head down (to achieve greater streamlinedness) and GO!!
Apparently mother doesn't see it that way and after I realised that we were no longer going in a straight line and the sound of the wind whistling past my ears was being interspersed by a voice yelling about my dodgy parentage I suspected all was not well. Admittedly it did take a while for any of this to register but when you are travelling at the speed of sound understanding what "whoa, you big fat, hair arsed little git" means is some what tricky. I did pull up enentually to see what the noise was about and to suggest to mother that her circling me was silly as mach 5 is only achievable in a straight line. Something I tried to demonstrate when we tried to carry on in trot across the rest of the field....
I then was trotted all the way home whilst being informed of the many ways mother was planning on introducing me to my maker. Top of the list was feeding me through one of the carrot sorting machines on the farm - apparently she thinks Hovis batons and Hovis and Swede could be the new thing on the sunday dinner table. Personally I think she may have got a bash on the head from one of her large girl saddle bags whilst we were running.....
Anyway the next cunning plan is to take me out for a canter on one of the tracks where they can wedge me behind Billy to force me to canter in an "appropriate manner" - AKA so slowly i look like a dressage Diva with a broom up my bum.
Whats wrong with warp speed? Mums being taking that confidence stuff, she likes going fast now so I was merely showing her where the turbo button is - I mean you don't own a ferrari because its fuel economic and ditto you don't have a Destroyer to ponce. If I wanted to go slowly enough to count the blades of grass I'd WALK.
So here I reside in the dog house, shunned because of my amazing speed and power, punished for being living proof big boys can run at any time (not just when there's a half price sale at Carrots 4 U) and outcast for failing to understand that high speed questioning of who Dad was is not mums idea of small talk.
Life SUCKS.
PS Will somone please send me a carrot in the post as i doubt I'll be getting any for a while?
PPS Does anyone who likes going v v v v v v v fast want to let me come and stay at thiers until mum calms down?
Please can you arrange delivery of food rations and carrots to:
Casa del fido
In deep doo doo lane
Smacked Bottom
Ooopshire
HE2 3LP
The reason for this request is simple - I think I'm going to be staying there for a while....
I was doing so well this week, after accidentally flattening Dad and very nearly EAM at last weeks jumping clinic I have made such an effort to regain my halo.
On wednesday I didn't pass comment on being asked to do trotting poles for 30 minutes nor refuse to wind in and out of upturned buckets - although this did make me wonder once again about my mothers mental health?
Yesterday I cantered very nicely for mum whilst we worked on correct strike offs and using the corners of the school ensure we could execute good turns into jumps. I didn't even throw a hissy when mum put the pole we were cantering over in the wrong place so i had to execute a turn Darcey Bussell would have been proud of just to get there.
So all in all mum was happy with me, I was on bestest behaviour giving lots of cuddles and generally being my utterly adorable self.
Then this morning I let myself down - AGAIN. Dammit I wish i would learn but I just forget myself and then whoops i did it it again I'm back residing with the pooch.
We went out for a hack with Billy and Aunty C and had several nice trots down the country lanes in the sunshine saying hi to a few nice ladies and generally being Bad Boys out cruisng the hood. Then we cut back across stubble fields and mum and Aunty C decided to have a canter. Well I had been waiting for this like rudolf waits for christmas, I am feeling very well at the moment - i have lots of lovely grass, Dolly is fancying me, I have a new aerodynamic haircut, the sun is shing and all is right with the world. So its not my fault that when asked to step up a pace I leap forward to comply, put my head down (to achieve greater streamlinedness) and GO!!
Apparently mother doesn't see it that way and after I realised that we were no longer going in a straight line and the sound of the wind whistling past my ears was being interspersed by a voice yelling about my dodgy parentage I suspected all was not well. Admittedly it did take a while for any of this to register but when you are travelling at the speed of sound understanding what "whoa, you big fat, hair arsed little git" means is some what tricky. I did pull up enentually to see what the noise was about and to suggest to mother that her circling me was silly as mach 5 is only achievable in a straight line. Something I tried to demonstrate when we tried to carry on in trot across the rest of the field....
I then was trotted all the way home whilst being informed of the many ways mother was planning on introducing me to my maker. Top of the list was feeding me through one of the carrot sorting machines on the farm - apparently she thinks Hovis batons and Hovis and Swede could be the new thing on the sunday dinner table. Personally I think she may have got a bash on the head from one of her large girl saddle bags whilst we were running.....
Anyway the next cunning plan is to take me out for a canter on one of the tracks where they can wedge me behind Billy to force me to canter in an "appropriate manner" - AKA so slowly i look like a dressage Diva with a broom up my bum.
Whats wrong with warp speed? Mums being taking that confidence stuff, she likes going fast now so I was merely showing her where the turbo button is - I mean you don't own a ferrari because its fuel economic and ditto you don't have a Destroyer to ponce. If I wanted to go slowly enough to count the blades of grass I'd WALK.
So here I reside in the dog house, shunned because of my amazing speed and power, punished for being living proof big boys can run at any time (not just when there's a half price sale at Carrots 4 U) and outcast for failing to understand that high speed questioning of who Dad was is not mums idea of small talk.
Life SUCKS.
PS Will somone please send me a carrot in the post as i doubt I'll be getting any for a while?
PPS Does anyone who likes going v v v v v v v fast want to let me come and stay at thiers until mum calms down?
I've put a carrot in a envelope with a first class stamp on it so should reach you tomorrow (or this time nxt yr if my posties owt to go by)
