Hovis_and_SidsMum
Well-Known Member
Dear diary
I am leaving home. I have decided that I can't cope anymore and so have packed all my things into a hankie and am about to head out to the road to londonium to see if I can hitch a lift.
The reason for my departure began last week.......
As I think I told you I upset mum on my hack last week by bobbing off with her at mach 10, well ever since I swear she's just being trying to get back at me. On sunday mum decided that the sore patch behind my knee had got much worse and as I wouldn't let her look at it (its MY sore patch I can do what I like) she was going to call the vet.
Sure enough on monday Herman the German vet came out with a new lady I'd not seen before. Mr German needle man listened to what mum had to say about my leg and said to the lady "Dis horse vill let you do anysink to heem". On hearing this I had a sudden flash back to the invasion of my manly parts and decided that swiftly dispatching said vet via a quick kick to the head was the best course of action. In fairness it was only a warning shot but he moved out of the way pretty quick and decided to "sedate" me.
OMG. That sedation stuff is cool! My legs went all wobbly and I decided to have a lie down. This resulted in mum squarking and trying to prop me up - a bit stupid when I'm a fair bit bigger than her. Anyway between her and Herman they kept me upright and I stood admiring the pretty coloured butterflys flying past inside my head and ignored what they were doing to me. BIG mistake. HUGE! When I finally came back down to earth they had PLUCKED me! I have a vast patch of feather missing..... I look like an owl with alopecia.....I have my very own crop circle behind my knees.....from the air if i lie down airplanes will think I have a landing strip up the back of my legs. My life is over.
Added to which mum has to put this horrible cream on my legs every day which I'm not too keen on. Look what happened last time she went near the back of my legs - the future of my feather depends on me keeping her OFF my legs. Admittedly she clings on pretty tight and does express herself so very fluently...
Anyway it doesn't appear to have put Dolly off but then thats because I cunningly only graze with my head towards her thus not letting her see the mass destruction behind my knees. Shes getting quite smoochy and yesterday mum was fuming when I refused to stop canoodling with Dolly and go to the gate. Huuummmm lets think why mum - fit bird,giving me a nuzzle behind my ears or my psycotic mother yielding a pot of cream and a pair of sissors. I know I am thick set but this doesn't mean I am thick.
Anyway Evil army Man is coming later so that will just complete my week. How am I supposed to jump when mother has clipped off parts of my feathers? I am about to be beasted around the school when I should be in bereavement counselling for my bouffant. How can I, the Destroyer, both woo the ladies and wow the crowds when I look like i have mange?
So before he comes I am legging it - I would just hide in dollys rug bin but I tried fitting in there the other day and just because I can't see my mum doesn't apparently mean she can't see me. Damn it.
So dear diary I am left with no choice, to save my feathers, man hood and whats left of my reputation I am running away.
Now if someone could just give me directions from the wind turbine at the end of the road to London I'll be on my way....
I am leaving home. I have decided that I can't cope anymore and so have packed all my things into a hankie and am about to head out to the road to londonium to see if I can hitch a lift.
The reason for my departure began last week.......
As I think I told you I upset mum on my hack last week by bobbing off with her at mach 10, well ever since I swear she's just being trying to get back at me. On sunday mum decided that the sore patch behind my knee had got much worse and as I wouldn't let her look at it (its MY sore patch I can do what I like) she was going to call the vet.
Sure enough on monday Herman the German vet came out with a new lady I'd not seen before. Mr German needle man listened to what mum had to say about my leg and said to the lady "Dis horse vill let you do anysink to heem". On hearing this I had a sudden flash back to the invasion of my manly parts and decided that swiftly dispatching said vet via a quick kick to the head was the best course of action. In fairness it was only a warning shot but he moved out of the way pretty quick and decided to "sedate" me.
OMG. That sedation stuff is cool! My legs went all wobbly and I decided to have a lie down. This resulted in mum squarking and trying to prop me up - a bit stupid when I'm a fair bit bigger than her. Anyway between her and Herman they kept me upright and I stood admiring the pretty coloured butterflys flying past inside my head and ignored what they were doing to me. BIG mistake. HUGE! When I finally came back down to earth they had PLUCKED me! I have a vast patch of feather missing..... I look like an owl with alopecia.....I have my very own crop circle behind my knees.....from the air if i lie down airplanes will think I have a landing strip up the back of my legs. My life is over.
Added to which mum has to put this horrible cream on my legs every day which I'm not too keen on. Look what happened last time she went near the back of my legs - the future of my feather depends on me keeping her OFF my legs. Admittedly she clings on pretty tight and does express herself so very fluently...
Anyway it doesn't appear to have put Dolly off but then thats because I cunningly only graze with my head towards her thus not letting her see the mass destruction behind my knees. Shes getting quite smoochy and yesterday mum was fuming when I refused to stop canoodling with Dolly and go to the gate. Huuummmm lets think why mum - fit bird,giving me a nuzzle behind my ears or my psycotic mother yielding a pot of cream and a pair of sissors. I know I am thick set but this doesn't mean I am thick.
Anyway Evil army Man is coming later so that will just complete my week. How am I supposed to jump when mother has clipped off parts of my feathers? I am about to be beasted around the school when I should be in bereavement counselling for my bouffant. How can I, the Destroyer, both woo the ladies and wow the crowds when I look like i have mange?
So before he comes I am legging it - I would just hide in dollys rug bin but I tried fitting in there the other day and just because I can't see my mum doesn't apparently mean she can't see me. Damn it.
So dear diary I am left with no choice, to save my feathers, man hood and whats left of my reputation I am running away.
Now if someone could just give me directions from the wind turbine at the end of the road to London I'll be on my way....
