Hovis' Friday diary

[Hovis_and_SidsMum]

Dear diary
My name is Hovis and I am very bendy. I am not only bendy but OFFICIALLY bendy. Funky back woman says so so it is fact. Anyway more on that in a minute.
The weekend saw me being looked after by boss lady Sarah as mum and dad went o see Uncle John and Aunty Mary. This was my kind of weekend – no work, lots of food and a bit of fuss. Bliss!
Mum came home on Sunday and took me in the school much to my disgust. As a result I perhaps did make a bit of a fuss about bending, yielding and stretching my neck so far down I was brushing my bristles in the ménage. Cue mum leaping off, announcing she thought I had hurt myself and bustling me back to my stable. Result thought I!
Alas not.
Yesterday mum came to get me in from the field so I looked forward to an evening of eating and playing “who can bottom burb the loudest” with Billy and Tom. No. Mother had other ideas… Boss lady Sarah arrived much to my confusion and proceeded to teach mother. What this translated to is “beasted mother and I around the ménage for the best part of an hour til we were nearly dead”. Lord almighty the woman is pure evilness. She has legs of iron, insists on outlines, big flashy trots and none of my usual mince along as I feel like moves. I was leg yielding, circling, spiralling, transitions and generally getting dizzy to the point I nearly flung myself on the ground and prayed for HIM to arrive (evil army man). I then discovered that this seemingly nice, small, petite lady with a lovely sleek mane and the soft voice trained HIM. She taught Evil Army Man when he was small. I am DOOMED. If she taught EAM all he knows then I am in BIG trouble. Mum has now decided that I will have flat lessons with Evil Boss lady every week and jumping lessons with Evil Army Man once a month. I am going to DIE. My young life is about to be cut short as I wilt away from over working and not enough food. Someone call Horseline immediately.
Anyway after yesterdays performance mother was last seen muttering “injured my arse” – which I’m not sure how she managed because all she did was sit on it?- and stomping about.
This morning it became clear as funky nice back lady came. Funky nice back lady is lovely and says all sorts of nice things about me but today I went off her when she proceeded to praise mum for my weight. EXCUSE ME? I am so undernourished I am positively wasting away and you are PRAISING my mother? I thought the woman was a professional but clearly not…
Anyway after much wriggling and stretching she did announce I’d pulled the joint near my poll (HA! Told you mother) but it wasn’t serious. Bugger. No sick note for me then. She then proceeded to use my neck, body and legs as some sort of elaborate stress toy and try to tie me in knots. This is when it was commented I am officially very flexible and bendy. Cue more praise to mother. How it is down to her I can get my legs into positions Darcy Bussell would envy is beyond me. Anyway apparently I am lovely (I know), the right weight (I beg to differ), very bendy (why thank you) and a credit to mothers management (baloney I think she just wanted a tip. I’ve got one for you love – don’t backcomb your hair will fall out).
Anyway to get over the stress of all this bending mum took me for a hack with Aunty C and Billy. On funky back womans advice we only walked and trotted and it was very nice. Apart from the stream of very large tractors, the bin lorries, the wheelie bins oh and the man in a lawnmower with a balloon attached whistling over our heads….. I did manage to keep my wetting myself to a mere tremble and so arrived back in the yard in one piece and firmly back in mums good books. So I am back in my field munching the meagre rations of grass mother allows me and plotting how to get out of my evil boss lady / evil army man predicament. Any ideas? Please?

 

[FanyDuChamp]

Fantastic Hovis! You always put a smile on my face.

hi
I am Captain, your Evil Boss Lady sounds like the one who sometimes gives Elizabeth and me lessons. I have never worked so hard in my life amid shouts of engage from behind and you are not a giraffe, bend, bend , bend that is I hear from her! For gawd's sake if I bend any more my nose will touch my tail! The woman wants too much work, no sauntering allowed with her can't relax or have a blast round the arena. If I want to go across the arena why do I have to go sideways I ask you? Could you please keep her with you from now on? Sack of carrots on the way if you manage to make her *disappear*
From
Captain

FDC

 

[Faro]

I have an idea how you can get out of the EBL/EAM predicament... Make your way to London. Pretend to be a bus. There is a distinct lack of Bendy Buses in London at the moment, so you're bound to be well rewarded! I would suggest making your home somewhere like Hyde Park where a) there is grass and b) there will be loads of visitors who will be bound to have lots of edible treats for you.

 

[Apercrumbie]

Hi Hovis, my name is Byron and I wanted to tell you that I know how you feel about Evil Boss Lady! However, I devised a cunning and devious plan to get out of hard work. Wind up a horse in your field so they kick you on the leg, rub it in the dirt so it gets infected and then the nice man vet has to come out! Two days later, make sure you get an abcess in a different hoof and hey presto! You're out of work for at least two months and when you get back into work Mum will have spent so much on the nice man vet bills that she won't be able to afford lessons with evil boss lady! It worked like a treat for me. Unfortunately, it was very painful and I had to stay in my pyjamas in my stable for a month, but itwas definitely worth it because I got lots of cuddles every day
Byron

 

[Fazzie]

Brilliant as always

 

[sadiedeb]

My boys would like to know who won the "loudest bottom burp" competition, in their field it's definately Abe!

 

[Gilbey]

Thankyou Hovis....I think I love you!!

 

[DW Team]

Thank you Hovis Brill as aways brightens up my Fridays

 

[tasteofchristmaschaos]

Dear Hovis,
My name is Fella and your diary makes me feel very lucky indeed. My mum doesn't make me do any of this school work business. She says looking at the same 4 corners is very boring and I agree. Sand doesn't taste nice, and I need snacks at least every 10 mins or I will keel over from starvation! Instead she likes to take me out places. I LOVE this. I especially like it when we find cow parsley. Nom nom nom!
One day I think we should have a bend-off Hovis. My mum and her friends laugh because I can chew my own private parts. She finds it very funny. I don't know how other horses get by not being able to do it. If you got an itch you would have to scratch it with your hoof. Ouch!
Maybe evil boss lady will go on holiday soon, that would give you a break. I will keep my hooves crossed for that. I think if mum tried to make me do sideways stuff I would fall on the floor from laughing. What a silly idea!
Fella.