Hovis_and_SidsMum
Well-Known Member
Dear diary
What is horsemart? Apparently earlier this week I was going to be on it for a pound. Is it like a ride or something? I don’t like it when mum uses terms I don’t understand – it makes me feel thick.
Anyway I have a feeling this horsemart thing isn’t a nice place because mum did say it between gritted teeth after smacking me with a lead rope and generally displaying her disgust at me. She was in a right tetch. Tetchy tetchy tetchy.
As I reported last week I hadn’t exactly been dying of enthusiasm to go out with Billy on Fridays hack. This was due to it pouring down with rain and generally being so horrible no one else with any brains was out in it. But mum in her wisdom decided I was “off”. So gave me the weekend off and a load more food. I know usually when mum gets it wrong I laugh at her blondness but on this occasion I was quite happy with her misdiagnosis.
As she was away on Monday and working late on Tuesday my weekend off turned into 4 days off which was even better. It between times she’d also decided that I was getting cold, wet and fed up being out at night so has started bringing me in. Cool! Haynets, a HUGE comfy bed and some decent sleep. Bliss.
Bliss however came to an end on Wednesday when mother appeared in her riding gear. Work it appeared was starting again. It was very windy though so after some deliberation mother decided to lunge me. Which was fine. Apart from the fact I didn’t want to lunge. So I didn’t. What followed was 40 minutes of beast vs blonde, woman vs the power of my shoulder, mother vs the forces of nature (i.e. I can pull her over if I try) and my will power vs mothers. I don’t LIKE running round in circles so I pulled every stunt I could think of. And trust me I could think of a few. I haven’t seen mum so red in the face since she flashed her knickers to the crowd at the kids show jumping day. She was NOT happy. But you know sometimes when you know even if you back peddle swiftly you’re still going to be in the poo? So it’s not worth the back peddling you may as well accept you’re in the poo? Yep – that’s where I was. When mother finally put me away she was dripping with sweat, I was dripping with sweat and between gritted teeth she announced I was going on horsemart for a pound (see earlier question). Apparently the only reason she wanted a pound was to make clear I was not on loan and so when whoever took me realised what a large bottom hole I was they didn’t bring me back. She did seem to like calling me a large bottom hole which I found very offensive. So Wednesday night I went to bed with a very meagre tea (with no carrots in it) and no goodnight kiss. You’d have to be Stevie Wonder not to have seen mum was a bit miffed.
So yesterday, having spent a night pondering my options, I decided that the swiftest way to avoid this horsemart thing was to behave. Which I did. Perfectly. 40 minutes of reasonable schooling in which I reluctantly fantasised about being Boglands Quaver (my dressage name to make me sound like that Moorland Dorito bloke) and mother pretended she can ride, appeared to do the trick and she was all smiles. Even more so today after I was very brave out hacking. We saw several tractors but I held my nerve and only shook a tiny amount. We had a lovely canter down a long grassy verge and then I was extremely brave down the brief section of A road we have to go on to get home. Why do you call them A roads? Of course it’s a road. That’s quite clear. That’s like calling me Mr. A Horse. Weird. That’s what you humans are sometimes. Plain weird.
We did meet a very large tractor with a big trailer on, on the way home and I briefly shook like a leaf and dropped back onto my haunches ready to spring into flight. Then decided that felt far too much like hard work so didn’t. This appeared to please mother greatly.
She is however refusing to clip me yet so the combination of the loooonnnngggg hack and the warmness did mean I was sweating like a lizard in a microwave by the time I got back. So mum bathed me. In that coconut smelling stuff. I smell like a girl. Why can’t I have that big cat stuff that dad wears – ok he may smell like a muskrat’s gym sock but at least it’s not girly. As I walked back to my field Frilly threw herself to the floor and started waving her legs about. Mum said that it was due to me smelling so nice. Yeah right! Knowing my luck she’s allergic to coconuts.......
Anyway if any of you see mum at the party at Bransby on Sunday go and say hello. It’ll make her feel all important and happy, which in turn means I might get Sunday night off and some carrots. So do it for me? Please? Laters.......
What is horsemart? Apparently earlier this week I was going to be on it for a pound. Is it like a ride or something? I don’t like it when mum uses terms I don’t understand – it makes me feel thick.
Anyway I have a feeling this horsemart thing isn’t a nice place because mum did say it between gritted teeth after smacking me with a lead rope and generally displaying her disgust at me. She was in a right tetch. Tetchy tetchy tetchy.
As I reported last week I hadn’t exactly been dying of enthusiasm to go out with Billy on Fridays hack. This was due to it pouring down with rain and generally being so horrible no one else with any brains was out in it. But mum in her wisdom decided I was “off”. So gave me the weekend off and a load more food. I know usually when mum gets it wrong I laugh at her blondness but on this occasion I was quite happy with her misdiagnosis.
As she was away on Monday and working late on Tuesday my weekend off turned into 4 days off which was even better. It between times she’d also decided that I was getting cold, wet and fed up being out at night so has started bringing me in. Cool! Haynets, a HUGE comfy bed and some decent sleep. Bliss.
Bliss however came to an end on Wednesday when mother appeared in her riding gear. Work it appeared was starting again. It was very windy though so after some deliberation mother decided to lunge me. Which was fine. Apart from the fact I didn’t want to lunge. So I didn’t. What followed was 40 minutes of beast vs blonde, woman vs the power of my shoulder, mother vs the forces of nature (i.e. I can pull her over if I try) and my will power vs mothers. I don’t LIKE running round in circles so I pulled every stunt I could think of. And trust me I could think of a few. I haven’t seen mum so red in the face since she flashed her knickers to the crowd at the kids show jumping day. She was NOT happy. But you know sometimes when you know even if you back peddle swiftly you’re still going to be in the poo? So it’s not worth the back peddling you may as well accept you’re in the poo? Yep – that’s where I was. When mother finally put me away she was dripping with sweat, I was dripping with sweat and between gritted teeth she announced I was going on horsemart for a pound (see earlier question). Apparently the only reason she wanted a pound was to make clear I was not on loan and so when whoever took me realised what a large bottom hole I was they didn’t bring me back. She did seem to like calling me a large bottom hole which I found very offensive. So Wednesday night I went to bed with a very meagre tea (with no carrots in it) and no goodnight kiss. You’d have to be Stevie Wonder not to have seen mum was a bit miffed.
So yesterday, having spent a night pondering my options, I decided that the swiftest way to avoid this horsemart thing was to behave. Which I did. Perfectly. 40 minutes of reasonable schooling in which I reluctantly fantasised about being Boglands Quaver (my dressage name to make me sound like that Moorland Dorito bloke) and mother pretended she can ride, appeared to do the trick and she was all smiles. Even more so today after I was very brave out hacking. We saw several tractors but I held my nerve and only shook a tiny amount. We had a lovely canter down a long grassy verge and then I was extremely brave down the brief section of A road we have to go on to get home. Why do you call them A roads? Of course it’s a road. That’s quite clear. That’s like calling me Mr. A Horse. Weird. That’s what you humans are sometimes. Plain weird.
We did meet a very large tractor with a big trailer on, on the way home and I briefly shook like a leaf and dropped back onto my haunches ready to spring into flight. Then decided that felt far too much like hard work so didn’t. This appeared to please mother greatly.
She is however refusing to clip me yet so the combination of the loooonnnngggg hack and the warmness did mean I was sweating like a lizard in a microwave by the time I got back. So mum bathed me. In that coconut smelling stuff. I smell like a girl. Why can’t I have that big cat stuff that dad wears – ok he may smell like a muskrat’s gym sock but at least it’s not girly. As I walked back to my field Frilly threw herself to the floor and started waving her legs about. Mum said that it was due to me smelling so nice. Yeah right! Knowing my luck she’s allergic to coconuts.......
Anyway if any of you see mum at the party at Bransby on Sunday go and say hello. It’ll make her feel all important and happy, which in turn means I might get Sunday night off and some carrots. So do it for me? Please? Laters.......
Last edited:
