Hovis_and_SidsMum
Well-Known Member
Dear Diary
Is there any place worse than the dog house? Because I think Im being sent there. I have visions of living in some sort of rabbit hutch with a bunch of cheesed off chickens or something. Mum is SO not amused with me, I mean like seriously peeved I always know how annoyed mum is due to the length of time she can say rude words to me without pausing for breath. Last nights tirade was so long I feared I was going to have to give her mouth to mouth when shed finished. Which, as she is my mum, would be wrong.......
Anyway to the beginning. Mums leg still has a big hole in it (and boy do I know about it) so Dad worked me over the weekend. Which meant a lot of work rather than the poncing about Mum lets me get away with. None the less mum was pleased with my forwardness Ha! Mum you try letting dad get on you with his strong legs and spurs and see how forward you are. On seconds thoughts dont, Im having images a young boy doesnt need in his head.............. Yuck!!
On Monday mum led me out first before Hot Stepper and in her words I rooted to the spot (interspersed with a few choice adjectives). No I didnt. I froze, listening intently like a big gun dog, all senses tuned in to the danger in the stubble field. Now according to mother there is nothing in the stubble field but I know differently. I can sense them. Billy says I might have ESP, I have no idea what ESP is so should I be worried? Is it catching? Maybe it means Extra Super Powers? Ive always fancied a big red cape with a big H on the back, although I draw the line at tight fitting trunks though.....
Anyway despite mum not believing me and dragging me to the field like a large hairy sack of potatoes I knew the danger was there and proceeded to show the lurking baddies what a power house I am by running up and down, high kicking and making the ground shake. It must be noted here that Hot Stepper was no use at all and just stood looking at me gormlessly. Situation normal really....
So the next day mum lunged me and then made me walk in the stubble field of suspiciousness. I have to say I was none too keen on this idea and so once again showed the lurking bad guys that a) I can stand very still, b) I can jump about and have more moves than the karate kid on speed and c) I could pretend they werent there. I mixed these moves up a bit which seemed to confuse mum so Im hoping its confused the bad people too. Mind you it doesnt take much to confuse mum..........
I think sensing that lunging had been a disaster mum decided the next day to ride me. Well ride might be pushing it as an accurate description. She couldnt do her boot up past the hole in her leg and rising trot seemed to make her yelp and swear a great deal so it was more a case of I trotted round whilst she bounced about on my back attempting sitting trot (and that Carl Nester bloke mum isnt). Bouncing I have to say with her boot undone, resulting in us looking like wed escaped from the local Chav centre on day release. The shame.........
The good news is that this experience made mums leg even worse (cue more moaning) and so Ive had the last day or so off. Until last night. When mum decided to lunge me in the DARK (well the school lights were on but theyre not good enough when were next to the field of suspiciousness). Ha! Not blinking likely mother.
To say we had a clash of opinions is like saying it drizzled a bit when that Noah bloke built the Ark. We fell out. Big time. Last night I was being sold, then given away, then made into hamburgers and then finally as I wasnt even good enough for hamburgers I was being minced into dog food. Do you think she was a little upset?!! My mother and father certainly werent married and if my brain got any bigger Id be able to aspire to be an amoeba whats an amoeba?
Anyway she didnt go as far as to not give me any tea but I swear that was only because she had witnesses. I did kiss her lots this morning which seemed to make her happy until I stopped for a snog with Frilly on the way out of the door. Frilly snogged me like I was the last gelding on earth (hubba hubba) then screamed very loudly in my face, I wet myself, leapt six foot in the air and may have sort of flattened mother on the way back down. Last seen hobbling into the distance muttering about her own insanity for keeping horses and, unknowingly, wearing my breakfast down her back, mother didnt seem too pleased. What do you think the odds are of getting carrots in my tea tonight?
Is there any place worse than the dog house? Because I think Im being sent there. I have visions of living in some sort of rabbit hutch with a bunch of cheesed off chickens or something. Mum is SO not amused with me, I mean like seriously peeved I always know how annoyed mum is due to the length of time she can say rude words to me without pausing for breath. Last nights tirade was so long I feared I was going to have to give her mouth to mouth when shed finished. Which, as she is my mum, would be wrong.......
Anyway to the beginning. Mums leg still has a big hole in it (and boy do I know about it) so Dad worked me over the weekend. Which meant a lot of work rather than the poncing about Mum lets me get away with. None the less mum was pleased with my forwardness Ha! Mum you try letting dad get on you with his strong legs and spurs and see how forward you are. On seconds thoughts dont, Im having images a young boy doesnt need in his head.............. Yuck!!
On Monday mum led me out first before Hot Stepper and in her words I rooted to the spot (interspersed with a few choice adjectives). No I didnt. I froze, listening intently like a big gun dog, all senses tuned in to the danger in the stubble field. Now according to mother there is nothing in the stubble field but I know differently. I can sense them. Billy says I might have ESP, I have no idea what ESP is so should I be worried? Is it catching? Maybe it means Extra Super Powers? Ive always fancied a big red cape with a big H on the back, although I draw the line at tight fitting trunks though.....
Anyway despite mum not believing me and dragging me to the field like a large hairy sack of potatoes I knew the danger was there and proceeded to show the lurking baddies what a power house I am by running up and down, high kicking and making the ground shake. It must be noted here that Hot Stepper was no use at all and just stood looking at me gormlessly. Situation normal really....
So the next day mum lunged me and then made me walk in the stubble field of suspiciousness. I have to say I was none too keen on this idea and so once again showed the lurking bad guys that a) I can stand very still, b) I can jump about and have more moves than the karate kid on speed and c) I could pretend they werent there. I mixed these moves up a bit which seemed to confuse mum so Im hoping its confused the bad people too. Mind you it doesnt take much to confuse mum..........
I think sensing that lunging had been a disaster mum decided the next day to ride me. Well ride might be pushing it as an accurate description. She couldnt do her boot up past the hole in her leg and rising trot seemed to make her yelp and swear a great deal so it was more a case of I trotted round whilst she bounced about on my back attempting sitting trot (and that Carl Nester bloke mum isnt). Bouncing I have to say with her boot undone, resulting in us looking like wed escaped from the local Chav centre on day release. The shame.........
The good news is that this experience made mums leg even worse (cue more moaning) and so Ive had the last day or so off. Until last night. When mum decided to lunge me in the DARK (well the school lights were on but theyre not good enough when were next to the field of suspiciousness). Ha! Not blinking likely mother.
To say we had a clash of opinions is like saying it drizzled a bit when that Noah bloke built the Ark. We fell out. Big time. Last night I was being sold, then given away, then made into hamburgers and then finally as I wasnt even good enough for hamburgers I was being minced into dog food. Do you think she was a little upset?!! My mother and father certainly werent married and if my brain got any bigger Id be able to aspire to be an amoeba whats an amoeba?
Anyway she didnt go as far as to not give me any tea but I swear that was only because she had witnesses. I did kiss her lots this morning which seemed to make her happy until I stopped for a snog with Frilly on the way out of the door. Frilly snogged me like I was the last gelding on earth (hubba hubba) then screamed very loudly in my face, I wet myself, leapt six foot in the air and may have sort of flattened mother on the way back down. Last seen hobbling into the distance muttering about her own insanity for keeping horses and, unknowingly, wearing my breakfast down her back, mother didnt seem too pleased. What do you think the odds are of getting carrots in my tea tonight?
