Hovis sunday diary (he was too tired to write on friday!!)

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Hovis_and_SidsMum

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Dear diary
I am sorry that I didn’t write on Friday – I was too exhausted to even put hoof to keyboard. It is only now, several days later than I am able to summon the energy to tell you about my horrific experience.
I am traumatised and quite possibly in need of therapy. I need massages from a bevy of fit mares just to be able to walk without it hurting. Any offers?!
Anyway as I told you all last week this was the week of the “army man”. Well appearances can be quite deceptive – when he arrived he seemed rather nice, he gave me a pat, said he liked the look of me and seemed very harmless. In fact as mum and I warmed up and he said he thought I was a cool dude I actually thought I could like the man. Mum got off me, he got on, he asked me to canter a few times, said I was lovely and got off. Great thought I – that’s easy now I can go and eat some hay whilst poof bags gets a work out. Oh no! How wrong was I? That was just for starters!
An HOUR and a HALF later I was dripping sweat, aching all over, being made to collect (what’s wrong with full tilt GO!?), put my head in a poncy position, having to jump raised poles, normal poles then a jump! I seriously went off him when it started to rain and he didn’t seem to think that meant it was time to stop.
Mum was being all bossy and smacking me on the bum with a whip instead of letting me mooch along in walk, pulling me up when we cantered on the wrong leg and generally being a total teachers pet. Like she does that when he’s not there!
The only saving grace was I didn’t have to do any star jumps but seriously after an hour I’d have gratefully done them if that meant we were finished. I have a feeling he’s saving them till next time. Yeah he might have said I was a seriously cool dude but he had better adjust his idea of what we do in lessons if he wants to be my friend. Crikey – I haven’t sweat that hard since fit mare wriggled out of her rug in front of me last winter.
Omar had to be ridden by him this week too and he was NOT impressed. Army man made him jump and hack out on his own – poof bags nearly pooed himself and they had a right argument in the car park. If army man wasn’t so evil I might have found the image of Omar rearing up and throwing a totally ineffective hissy fit whilst he held the reins in one hand and smoked a cigarette quite funny. Poof bags came back white and exhausted and NOT happy cos army man said I have more stamina than him. I seriously wish he had said that in front of fit mare.
So all in all I am not happy and since he has been mum has been a right bossy mare. If this is what its going to be like I might have to leave home. She went out today and “treated herself” to a pair of Springer spaniel stirrups to help her ride for longer. Humpf. How a dog helps matters I have no idea but no doubt this is a new dastardly idea from “GI Just No Fun”.
Oh yeah will someone tell me what is wrong with being on the “wrong leg”? Eh? I have four of them and as long as I’m going forwards what does it matter which one is in front of the other one? God some people are just SO fussy.
 
Just think what fit mare will think of you, when you are all buffed up through your training!
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Dear Hovis,

you have all my sympathy..... I know what you mean about instructors - I think they call them as I have someone similar. Infact I thought I had retired as I have spent the last 8 weeks mooching around my field, you can imagine my horror when I was dressed up and taken to the school on Monday. I really made sure mum knew my displeasure.

Any way, think of the experiences as getting even fitter for fit mare. I will try and get mum to send you one of my carrots to cheer you up.

Ru
 
Hi Hovis!!
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It must be something in the air or the time of year or something - my mum has been a total cow this weekend too
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!! She already has those spaniel irons and I tell you no good comes of them!!

She said I had to work extra hard this weekend as we had both ahd 5 days off - I mean as if 5 days is a holiday
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!! - I can't believe what she made me do today!! After making me work hard in the school - is obsessed with bending to the left
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- she made me go down the drive on my own
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!! Well I wasn't having any of that so I showed her all my best spins - even tried to rear (I am a cob so not very good at them) and tried to run back home but very annoyingly she just sat there and laughed
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- even when I went backwards into the hedge and jumped forwards when a big thorn stabbed me in the bum!!!

Can we run away together??!!

Inca xxx
 
Ha! Mum thought he was great. She said he hid his horror at her awful riding quite well. She is so easily swayed. Dad likes him too. Omar and I are thinking of putting ourselves up for adoption.
 
Dearest Darling Hovis,

If I may call you that? I feel really quite forward, but I have read so many of your diary entries that I feel I know you already.

I really do hope you will forgive me. My name is The Dizzy Blonde and I'm 16.2hh, long legged, chestnut, with needless to say, a blonde mane and tail. All in all I'm pretty fit really, at least in the more important sense of the word. At least, this is what I am told by my many admirers.

I think your army man must be related to my Mama's latest instructor! Most fortunately for me, Mama wimped out of yesterday's lesson, but I hear on the grape vine that she has rearranged for next Saturday! I mean, really! Well, we can't be having that now can we, so today, when Mama was least expecting it, I did my 'I have an Owie' walk. Mama was too busy trying to get me 'using my bum' (no idea what she means about that! If she means my deriere then I do use it, but not for what I think she meant it for!); fortunately Friend of Mama's noticed and Mama got off. I did feel a bit mean when I saw her crying, but by then it was too late.

So, Hovis dearest, you have my deepest sympathies. But do tell me, do - how do you deal with yourself if you make your Mama cry? I need to make her smile, she is much more free with the minty things with holes in when she's happy, and I like the minty things very much indeed.

With loving felicitations,

Dizzy x
 
I just HAVE to say I love Hovis's diary so much! I am in stitches with laughter...please write a book...and the reply from the Dizzy one is a bonus treat! THANK YOU!
 
Hi Hovis, I think you should come and live with me.

Today I went for my first hack in three months all I did was walk down the bridleway with my friend Goldie and she stuffed me full of polo's and said I was a star!

I've walked down the bridleway millions of times and I didn't see what all the fuss was about; it wasn't exactly hard work.

She then said something about me making a staying sound but I don't know what a staying sound sounds like. I tried sniffing Pepper next door and making a stallion sound but she wasn't impressed so I don't think it's the same thing.

Yours confusededly.

Fudge
 
Hi Hovis, I definately think there is something in the air this weekend, My mum Appeared on friday after i'd not seen hide nor hair of her in two weeks nd my grandad had been looking after me coz mum apparently had something called 'Piglet Flu' (I hope its not catching), anyway she said my mud pack had to go nd when she started getting rid of it i showed my unhappiness by waving my feet at her, nd got the biggest clump of my life!! my ears are still ringing from all her shouting, apparently i'm a 'complete arse***, nd a horrible, evil nasty retard' watever that is???
So i share ur pain mate, hope she backs off.
Buzz
 
Dear Hovis,

you have my complete sympathy! When we went for a lesson with the scary chicken flap man yesterday, he yelled at the Carrot Lady to make me do the thing where your bum goes in a circle around your front legs not only the right way round, but also the left way round, which is much harder! I don't get why that matters, either: in both cases, you end up facing the same way, so why can't I go round the easy way?

I'd advise, though, just to do as he says, so that he stops yelling.

Carrots,
the Spooky Pony
 
Hi my old mate

I am in a bit of a subdued mood today, I don't know why, but it probably has something to do with the fact that my mummy can't ride me at the moment. We have fabulous times together and go exploring. I never go in a horsey school or anything, we just go into the forest and play hide and seekey with the deeries and rabbits. My mum stops and lets me eat while she has a rest cos she says her bum hurts.

I love my mummy but she doesn't come to see me very often at the moment. I was a bit of a naughty boy a long time ago in Februaryary and bucked her off. I broked her bone in her collar and she had to have an operation. I feel quite bad because she keeps asking me why I did it and I don't know, just felt like it at the time. I was sooooo pleased to see her I got a bit escited.

Have you tried that buccking thingy? That way she might not ride you for a while too and army man might go away, just a thought.

Catch up with you soon

Archie xxx
 
Harry says" I told you to stand on his toe! He is good though I'll give him that, he really got you to fall for the nice guy thing, saying you were a dude, sweet move that. No star jumps or squat thrusts? He must be saving those for later. If you hear the word beasting, he means he is going to let a big lion into the school, so run away as quick as you can, oh and stand on his toe as well. Good luck H, you're going to need it."
 
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